swellmomma Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 GRRR! okay a vent for a moment. Austin has a recently new friend (like within the last 6 weeks). He is 13 and has a lot more freedoms than my son (who just turned 11). In the beginning they spent about 50% time playing at my house and 50% at his, until I found out that in the 50% they spent at his house they were on webcams with girls, making prank calls, and playing video games like grand theft auto for HOURS at a time. Then I found out that the parents regularily(as in everytime the boys were there) would go out for a while (anywhere from 30 minutes to 4 hours) leaving the boys home alone. No wonder they were into all this trouble. So instead of making ds end the friendship because he only has 2 friends including this kid, I said they had to play at my house only where I can supervise and most of the time I make them play outside getting some fresh air and exercise. The problem with this though is the boy started coming at 9am before breakfast on the weekends, staying fro breakfast, and lunch, and not leaving until dinner. His parents refuse to give him a key and would leave and lock the house while he was at my place so he was locked out. We have been struggling in the last few weeks with groceries because of the cost of the kids extracurric registrations. I don't really have enough food to be feeding an extra kid (who eats more than me) for 2-3 meals a day every day(the week before school started he ate with us EVERYDAY), but I won't make a kid go hungry either. It was driving me nuts but I knew the boys were behaving and well supervised while they were here. Fast forward to yesterday evening. Hunter was sick, so I told the boys they had to play at the friend's house. I reminded both boys that if the parents left Austin had to come home, I even a sent a boardgame they enjoy here so they would stay off the video games. When Austin wasn't home at his set time I phoned over there only to find out the parents left within minutes of Austin getting there. His friend told the mom Austin had to leave then, and she said "Don't be stupid, you are old enough to watch him, just don't tell his mom" WTF! So the boys continued to play without adults there, and again went to get ont eh webcam with friend's girlfriend etc. Austin is grounded today because he did not come home when the parents left AND because he was 45 minutes late for curfew. BUT what on earth are these parents thinking telling the boys to lie to me and to hang out without adult supervision? I told both boys last night that Austin (and Ceilidh because they have left dd with their 15 yr old dd as well without telling me) that they can only play at my house period. HOWEVER, that then causes problems with our budget, and if kids are sick etc. Austin does not make friends easily, like I said he only has 2 and it has taken years for him to make those ones. I don't want to end this friendship BUT I am so furious that his parents would a) disrespect my wishes about my son and adult supervision, b) tell the boys to lie to me about it and c) take advantage of when her son is at my place(last Sunday we came in from a walk with this boy to find a message from his folks on our phone saying "Going to Costco, coor is locked, will call when he can come home" This was right before lunch and they didn't call until 7 that night so he had breakfast, lunch and dinner with us that night. I went hungry because I had to give him my portions as there was not even enough food to stretch that day. Thank goodness my parents bought us a bit to get through to next week when I get paid. But how rude of the parents to assume I can afford to feed their child every meal of everyday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 You need to talk to the parents. Keep it short and sweet. But just let them know that you will be sending him home for EACH AND EVERY meal. Let them know also that you just cannot just be available whenever they wish to just leave, that sometimes you have responsibilities to attend to also. Anytime that they need to leave, it needs to be discussed so this kid can go home or stay based on whether or not you can commit. These are simple respectful boundaries. You are not being unreasonable. Stand up for yourself and your family :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Wow, the nerve of those people! They will call YOU when THEIR OWN son can come home??? I hate confrontation but it sounds like these parents need some talking to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 I understand about not wanting to end the friendship for your son, but I think you should set some boundaries on exactly when he can come over and how long he can stay. If his parents lock him out, I know it sounds harsh, but it really isn't your responsibility. They may just be taking advantage of you because you have watched him in the past. I would put an end to it. If they are the kind of people who would say, "We'll call when he can come home.", they are going to need some tough love. How dare they not ask you if it's all right. And I would gently tell the young man that meal time is a time to discuss family matters, and that he will have to go home. I have a 13 y/o nephew, and he is old enough to understand that. He is old enough to keep himself occupied in his own yard, too, if the parents have locked him out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 OMG the boy and his sister just showed up and my home will be a safe haven for them anyday after what I just found out. There was more to last night than the boys told me last night. The sister has a bruise on her cheek, so I offhandedly asked what happened. Apparently whiel my ds was there she called her brother a fat A$$ and her mom slapped her repeatedly across the face until her lip bled and she got this bruise, and that is why they left for the night. My kids will NEVER again step foot in that house, those kids can come here anytime, and I just left a message for CPS to call me to report this. Here I was upset about their stupidity when it is much much mroe going on. Off to talk to the kids some more and get a bigger picture of this whole thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 My daughter had a friend who lived across the street from us who would show up at 10am and within minutes of being over ask my daughter if they could have a snack. My daughter being the gracious host would throw the cabinets wide open. Then there was lunch and dinner. I would ask her if her parents wanted to know where she was. She would always say no. At some point I would make her call or go back across the street. It got to the point I told my daughter they had to leave after lunch to go outside or go to her house. I was not going to feed her every meal. I definitely noticed that the food was dwindling quicker than usual with one more person to feed. I did not encourage the friendship and eventually it fizzled (much to my relief). My daughter also had another friend and both the parents worked. The nanny was at home but would disappear into another room. And my daughter would come home and tell me about you tube and talking on yahoo messenger, etc. I put an end to her going over there when the parents were not home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 My post does not apply after your update. Did your son witness this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Well, that changes everything. No wonder the kid is always at your house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Wow. :grouphug:, first of all. Two things come to mind. First, I understand your ds has troubles making friends (so does mine, so I can easily imagine myself in this very situation), but I would consider the major maturity and age difference in boys at these ages. Its not like the difference between 8 and 10 or even the difference between 13 and 15. Big changes happen for boys across the board at this age. Maybe this new kid just isn't a good "fit" for your ds right now. Talking to girls (you mention 13 yr old has a girlfriend?) on webcams...I would so not be okay with it. If he's directly disobeying you already, what good is going to come of the relationship? 11 year old boys are so impressionable. Second, if you think the friendship can be maintained, you HAVE TO talk to the parents. Thier behavior is sheer craziness. Are they homeschoolers, too, or does this boy have school during the weekdays? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 OMG the boy and his sister just showed up and my home will be a safe haven for them anyday after what I just found out. There was more to last night than the boys told me last night. The sister has a bruise on her cheek, so I offhandedly asked what happened. Apparently whiel my ds was there she called her brother a fat A$$ and her mom slapped her repeatedly across the face until her lip bled and she got this bruise, and that is why they left for the night. My kids will NEVER again step foot in that house, those kids can come here anytime, and I just left a message for CPS to call me to report this. Here I was upset about their stupidity when it is much much mroe going on. Off to talk to the kids some more and get a bigger picture of this whole thing. Oh dear. Well, that changes things. That's terrible. You definitely did the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 (edited) Tell the friend to bring over food from his house and not tell his parents. Whoops, I just read your update too, poor kids. Edited September 12, 2009 by Remudamom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 OMG the boy and his sister just showed up and my home will be a safe haven for them anyday after what I just found out. There was more to last night than the boys told me last night. The sister has a bruise on her cheek, so I offhandedly asked what happened. Apparently whiel my ds was there she called her brother a fat A$$ and her mom slapped her repeatedly across the face until her lip bled and she got this bruise, and that is why they left for the night. My kids will NEVER again step foot in that house, those kids can come here anytime, and I just left a message for CPS to call me to report this. Here I was upset about their stupidity when it is much much mroe going on. Off to talk to the kids some more and get a bigger picture of this whole thing. :glare::glare::glare: There are no words. :glare::glare::glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 :( This is terrible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 My kids will NEVER again step foot in that house, those kids can come here anytime, and I just left a message for CPS to call me to report this. You're doing the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsMe Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 You're doing the right thing. :iagree::iagree: And not to make light, but I agree with the pp about having the kid bring the food over to your house.:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSHS Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 That's terrible. :grouphug:, for you & all the kids. I agree with remudamom, tell the kids to bring over something to eat and if their parents ask you just say it was so they were having the food they like & you didn't want to be giving them food you wasn't sure they'd eat. Keep us updated on what happens. More hugs for good measure. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Did you take a pic?? WOW! parents all make mistakes... but that's beyond a mistake. That's just crazy! I wonder if the Mom realizes what she did. Carrie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeannie in NJ Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 I agree with you about letting the boy and his sister spend time at your house, anything to make them feel welcome when things are bad at their house. One suggestion regarding the food, buy lots of store brand dry pasta, cook up a bunch, maybe flavor it with a little butter and salt. A little pasta goes a long ways Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BabyBre Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Wow! What flooring, apalling behavior! My first instinct is to think of this poor boy who has got to at least be happy he can find a safe, caring environment in your home. On the surface, kids love having no limits placed on them, but limits are an expression of the concern of their parents and this boy's parents seem to have none! Inside, I bet he's very envious of your son for the safe, loving environment he has at home. How sad. No, he's not your financial responsibility, but is it your moral responsibility to make sure he's not being neglected? If you know of a child who is being exposed to harmful things (like unrestricted access to girls and the internet at the age of 13), is it your duty to do something? Incredibly, it's not as widely accepted that these things are dangerous as it is with other things, like drug use or leaving very young children home alone. My personal opinion is that they are just as dangerous. I guess you need to decide how you feel about it and act according to your conscience, pushing aside (however difficult it may be to do so) your frustration over his parents' rudeness and irresponsibility. I understand you're financially burdened, but it is a noble thing to help a child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BabyBre Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 OMG the boy and his sister just showed up and my home will be a safe haven for them anyday after what I just found out. There was more to last night than the boys told me last night. The sister has a bruise on her cheek, so I offhandedly asked what happened. Apparently whiel my ds was there she called her brother a fat A$$ and her mom slapped her repeatedly across the face until her lip bled and she got this bruise, and that is why they left for the night. My kids will NEVER again step foot in that house, those kids can come here anytime, and I just left a message for CPS to call me to report this. Here I was upset about their stupidity when it is much much mroe going on. Off to talk to the kids some more and get a bigger picture of this whole thing. OMG! I didn't read all the posts before posting above. I believe it IS your duty because there is most certainly something more than just neglect going on here! You're absolutely doing the right thing. Who protects children if their own parents don't? :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moni Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 (edited) I don't want to end this friendship. I would want to. Those kinds of parents are everywhere....sigh.... I trust she's pretty happy with the great gig she has going with you! Don't worry, she's likely Very Resourceful. ;) She knows you'll eventually cut ties with her family. In fact, I'm pretty sure she has her Next Possibility in mind already! The boy will be well fed and hanging out with someone else. :seeya: Edited September 13, 2009 by Moni Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 WTF indeed?!? I agree that you did the right thing in calling CPS after reading your second post. Those poor kids. I'm glad that you are going to keep letting them come around your house. :grouphug: I would probably ask them to bring a snack or sandwich with them when they came but I would also try to squeeze a few cheap carbs into my budget to stretch meals when they are around like rice, oatmeal, cheap bread, ramen noodles... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mo2 Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 You're absolutely doing the right thing. Who protects children if their own parents don't? :iagree: And I don't think it would be terribly rude of you to say, "Oh, we don't have enough (whatever) to go around, but I would be happy to make you a peanut butter sandiwch (or mac and cheese or something else easy and cheap). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 OMG the boy and his sister just showed up and my home will be a safe haven for them anyday after what I just found out. There was more to last night than the boys told me last night. The sister has a bruise on her cheek, so I offhandedly asked what happened. Apparently whiel my ds was there she called her brother a fat A$$ and her mom slapped her repeatedly across the face until her lip bled and she got this bruise, and that is why they left for the night. My kids will NEVER again step foot in that house, those kids can come here anytime, and I just left a message for CPS to call me to report this. Here I was upset about their stupidity when it is much much mroe going on. Off to talk to the kids some more and get a bigger picture of this whole thing. :grouphug: You really are a swell momma :) Continue to set a good example to them. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted September 13, 2009 Author Share Posted September 13, 2009 Thanks everyone. After an appalling night last night with this boy, I had to tell him he was no longer welcome her no matter what is going on, though his sister is still welcome anytime she wants. At the end of the night I told the boys it was time to clean up their mess(they emptied my shed to make a clubhouse I told them to put everything back in) and that the boy and girl could not stay for supper as there simply wasn't enough. The boy had a fit, attacked my 6 yr old (he is 13 but weighs more than me, I believe he told me once he was 190ish lbs), and refused to clean up. When I told him he needed to help or not come back he start cussing at me and carrying on like a fool. The yard did get cleaned up and as we were saying goodbye, dd brought his bike out to him nd accidentally dropped it. He chased her down the block and attacked her. At that time I told him to leave and not return until he learned to behave himself, he said to me "Do you think I give a rat's *&^ what you say?" So friendship done, over, kaput. Before I even told my ds it was over, he said "Wow mom he really crossed the line, and you were always nice to him, I guess he is not someone I want to be friends with." The sister stayed for another hour, before heading home. I am still reporting what I know to CPS, but unfortunately for the safety of my children I can not provide him a safe place here. As for the food issue, I was using pasta to feed everyone, but my cupboards were so bare I literally was feeding the kids canned tomato soup for breakfast and plain pasta for all other meals. We never get down this low but between the ex shorting me on child support, all 4 kids b-days and fall registration costs it has been a tough hit to the grocery budget. The deep freeze is empty, the fridge was nearly empty, the pantry was almost empty. I just needed to get through till this Tuesday and had the menu planned with exact portions based on what we had, by adding him in the mix there simply wasn't enough to go around so I skipped meals until my family stepped in an bought a little bit. The kids had no idea that things were that tight, they just thought I was treating them to their favorites for the week. Thankfully this was the first time in 8 years things ever got that tight and will hopefully not do so again. I still won't let a kid go hungry when I can hand over my portion, I would rather skip a meal than watch a kid do so kwim, no matter who the kid is. Out of all of it the silver lining is that someone cared enough in all of this to notice these kids being mistreated and to get them help. Despite having to end the friendship my son is understanding why it had to end, and also has seen that you can step up and help someone without needing to be their best friend. My hope is that as our new activities for the year start up he will make some more friends from the kinds of families I want him associating with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BabyBre Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Oh, I'm so sorry for all involved that it turned out this way. That poor boy certainly does seem to be a product of his environment. You need to protect your family. You're a good egg, swellmomma! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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