Am I a terrible mom? Making son do something he doesn't want.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I signed ds13 up for math club with a very well-run local homeschool math club. They have done very well in state competitions against public and private schooled kids. He is very unhappy with me.

 

Ds is a good kid who doesn't have many friends - or I should say - any friends. He has acquaintances - kids from our homeschool science club and book club, but no one that he could call up and say "Hey, let's do this." He has some sensory issues, which had impeded his social development (avoidance, plus auditory issues making communication more difficult.) Most of these are under control, but his evaluator told us that he needs to get out of the house and talking to more people.

 

We tried scouts, but he hated it. He thought the kids were intolerably immature.

 

Also, he has always lived in his older brother's shadow. I am trying to get him to branch out and meet new people. I thought that this might be more up his alley. He is very bright in math (catching up to big brother who is scary smart but "absent-minded professor type" rather that "get the schoolwork done" type.) I would love for him to have an opportunity to shine in something that is just his. His response was "Mom, that is just too "geeky" for me!" I didn't have the heart to tell him that he is a geek.

 

So, am I being too controlling or is it a good thing to force a kid to stretch beyond his comfort zone?

[Peek a Boo]

absolutely horrible.

 

you should be whipped for that.

 

i can't beLIEVE you'd even consider it.

 

 

 

but yeah. I've done similar stuff too. With pretty good results ;)

 

PS: I put a 3d-time-is-the-charm limit on stuff like this. "Try it 3 times and THEN you can opt out."

[mom2agang]

Join the awful mom club! I've done it and my son has come to love somethings and hate some. But I make him finish it. We tried baseball for a season he didn't like it. But he had to finish it like it or hate. I would make him do it for the season and if he doesn't like it then he gave it a fair shot!

[Sophia]

Ds will be starting his third year in a speech and debate club that I "made" him do.

He's met kids from around the country through this club and keeps in touch through facebook.

So, yeah, I'd stick to my guns and tell him he needs to give it a chance.

Hope it works out for him!

[OhM]

My kids have been forced to "try" all kinds of things! Some we've let drop after a season, others have become favorite pasttimes. Some are favorites even if they aren't even close to being the brightest and best.

 

In fact, we're having band and an art class currently being shoved down their throats here. :D

[Mothersweets]

I would make him try it.

 

When I was a kid/teen, my mother would often ask me if I wanted to take lessons (skiing, pottery, swimming, etc.). I would always say no. I didn't have the maturity (or brains) to realize what an opportunity it could be.

 

I wish now that she would have made me at least try a few lessons. So, make him at try it - it won't kill him, even if it ends up being too geeky for him. :)

[gingersmom]

At 13 years old I would ask for his input and hopefully the two of you could come to some agreement. Maybe that he at least try it 3 times before dropping out.

 

I have a "geeky" 10 year old (he did science and nature camp this summer). He takes nature class, art class, swim lessons. He ice skates for fun but I have not been able to convince him to try out a hockey league. He just flat out refuses.

 

I think it is hard as a parent to stand at the sidelines and let your child make a decision that you think is a mistake. But at the same time I think kids deserve to have a voice.

[Cedarmom]

Not terrible at all. Some kids just need an extra push. We made my son do debate. Now we cant keep him from it! I would maybe tell your son that he needs to give it a good try for this year, and if next year he doesn't want to maybe discuss doing something else.

[Aggie]

 

 

I didn't have the heart to tell him that he is a geek.

 

 

Is there a support group for us?:lol:

 

I'm on the *at least TRY it* side. Kids don't have much foresight and experience with activities like this.

 

My nephew didn't want to try karate. He told me he didn't like it.:glare: But after I practically made him go, he LOVES it!

[Cera]

I would make him try it. If he hates it after a semester maybe you can make a deal to drop it and replace it with something of his choosing (but he has to choose something).

[kokotg]

Is it something he can quit if he doesn't like it after giving it a good try? I was just wondering if, since it's a competition based thing, he'll be putting the team at a disadvantage if you say he'll do it and then he backs out? If not, then I'm all for the occasional beyond comfort zone pushing. Mine, at 8, has FINALLY started actually asking me to sign him up for some things. Up until this year it was pretty much always me insisting he try stuff; sometimes he'd wind up loving it, sometimes not.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I would make him try it. If he hates it after a semester maybe you can make a deal to drop it and replace it with something of his choosing (but he has to choose something).

But therein lies the rub ... he won't choose anything. That is why I have to keep pushing him out there. His best friend is his brother. He sees no need for other friends, even though his brother has some other social outlets that don't include him.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Is it something he can quit if he doesn't like it after giving it a good try? I was just wondering if, since it's a competition based thing, he'll be putting the team at a disadvantage if you say he'll do it and then he backs out? If not, then I'm all for the occasional beyond comfort zone pushing. Mine, at 8, has FINALLY started actually asking me to sign him up for some things. Up until this year it was pretty much always me insisting he try stuff; sometimes he'd wind up loving it, sometimes not.

 

The team has a 3 week trial. The first semester is a little teaching, working problems in teams and some homeworks. At the end of the first semester, they choose the team for competitions, which are in February and March. I am sending in the trial registration dues today and will keep encouraging him to continue.

[Night Elf]

I think it's fine to nudge a child just so long as the rest of the team won't be affected if the child isn't into it.

 

My dd11 is considering Odyssey of the Mind but we are a bit freaked at how much they stressed the concept of commitment. Every team member needs to be at every meeting unless extremely ill. Once the team is officially registered, only those kids can be on the team and cannot be replaced. Since there are only 7 slots on a team, the team gets smaller with every child that leaves. I thought the team would be a good thing for her, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable with so much pressure.

 

I've had my kids join classes and clubs to make friends. It never worked. They didn't get beyond the acquaintance level. Just like in public school, the kids are so busy during the club/class that they don't have time to socialize. When the club/class is over, kids and parents take off to get to the next thing.

[kokotg]

My dd11 is considering Odyssey of the Mind but we are a bit freaked at how much they stressed the concept of commitment. Every team member needs to be at every meeting unless extremely ill. Once the team is officially registered, only those kids can be on the team and cannot be replaced. Since there are only 7 slots on a team, the team gets smaller with every child that leaves. I thought the team would be a good thing for her, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable with so much pressure.

 

 

 

 

Night Elf--I thought I recognized you and your dh from the picture...I met you at the OOTM parents' meeting a few weeks ago (Gretchen). FWIW, I don't know how E is handling it, but the thing we sign for the younger kids says we have to come to 3 out of 4 meetings...it was never a problem last year when someone needed to miss an occasional one to go out of town or whatever. But I understand worrying about the year-long commitment...we had some moments last year where one or the other of mine insisted he wanted to quit--but overall they wound up having a wonderful time and couldn't wait to do it again this year.

[MBM]

I've put mine in different activities until something finally sticks. They have to commit for awhile, but if they absolutely hate it, it's over.

 

I think the math club is a good idea. Is it Math Counts? Initially, many kids don't do so well on the first test (it's not uncommon to really bomb it), but they improve quickly thereafter. Maybe the kids could go out together for ice cream or pizza after some of the practice sessions. That might help with friendship building.

 

A few other ideas: Lego Mindstorms, chess, Junior Classical Club. The kids in these clubs tend to be bright, fun-loving, accepting and, yeah, sometimes geeky -- but that's a good thing!

 

My youngest tried numerous sports for years to no avail, and finally discovered that he likes fencing. The kids get social interaction with each other as well as time for themselves. Plus, the fencing coaches we've met here in Illinois don't push or berate the kids (something I cannot say for other sports unfortunately).

 

I'm rambling here, but I think what you're experiencing and doing is not all that uncommon. That is, I've gone through the same thing, and I know kids at my son's school who are similar.

 

Good luck!

[Joanne]

No, you are not a terrible mom, even if it doesn't work out.

 

I have one child that I have to unnaturally push into activities. Once there, and settled, she thrives. The problem on the front end is anxiety.

 

I do, however, want to put a word in for introverts. Extroverted is more valued, recognized, and assumed in our culture. It *may* be that your evaluator is coming from that perspective. It *may* be that your guy truly IS ok with not having a peer group. I would have been. Indeed, before I understood myself as an introvert, people and relationships drained and stressed me. Actually, they still do but I now have the knowledge and skills to manage.

 

I guess I am just offering the possible idea that something may NOT be broken.

[swellmomma]

If that makes you an aweful mom I am right there with you. I have made my kids join things and give them a try. Only 2 things did not make it a full season, cubs and indoor soccer. Everything else they lasted teh season/term even if it was not a favorite activity. Ds is being "forced" to join a toastmasters for young teens group, and take 1 term of drama and 1 term of hip hop at the fine arts program I have them in. Each activity is only 3 months in length so I have told him he has to complete each one and if he hates it we just won't sign up next year.

 

The other activity I have told him he has to try at least 3 times before he can quit completely is the drop in chess club at our local library. It is primarily homeschoolers and retired folks that play together and I think along with teh critical thinking skills he will develop, learning from the retired folks and meeting more homeschoolers will do him a world of good. DD is pretty excited about everything I sign her up for so I never have to force her to try them.

[Night Elf]

Night Elf--I thought I recognized you and your dh from the picture...I met you at the OOTM parents' meeting a few weeks ago (Gretchen).

 

Hi Gretchen. Very cool to run into a local mom here. :)

 

I have an email out to our possible team members to find out if there will be a second weekly meeting added. We honestly cannot add one more thing to her school schedule. I'm very worried that will be decided later after we need to make the commitment. It seems like way too much pressure on us, especially my dd who is involved in several other classes and activities. I hope it works out, but I don't want to possibly mess up the flow of the team if I have to pull her out.

[Joy at Home]

Not terrible at all! I had the same situation here, where I enrolled dd12 in a once a week homeschool science class. She is literally crying in her bed right now because the first class is tomorrow and she doesn't want to go. I never push my dc to do anything they don't want, but I really feel in my heart that she needs this right now. She has no real friends, has not really stretched herself much with difficult courses, and needs something out of the house experiences. It's a tough call, but you know as a mom what your ds needs. I think it's good to push when you feel it's needed.

 

Good luck!

Lisa

[WTMCassandra]

:lol::lol::lol:

 

If you're terrible, what must I be?????

 

If I didn't prod my Eeyore son to do things he thought he didn't want to do, he would never do ANYTHING.

 

He's the kind of child you NEED to sometimes tell, "You WILL do X, and you WILL LIKE IT."

 

And it normally works. When he gets into something, he usually learns to like it.

 

In your situation, I would ask him to do one semester and give it his best shot, and then reconsider at midyear.

[Reya]

Eh. I always believe in pushing kids. If it were up to my DS, he'd only do stuff that he's the best in in every group.

[dirty ethel rackham]

No, you are not a terrible mom, even if it doesn't work out.

 

I have one child that I have to unnaturally push into activities. Once there, and settled, she thrives. The problem on the front end is anxiety.

 

I do, however, want to put a word in for introverts. Extroverted is more valued, recognized, and assumed in our culture. It *may* be that your evaluator is coming from that perspective. It *may* be that your guy truly IS ok with not having a peer group. I would have been. Indeed, before I understood myself as an introvert, people and relationships drained and stressed me. Actually, they still do but I now have the knowledge and skills to manage.

 

I guess I am just offering the possible idea that something may NOT be broken.

Thanks for the encouragement. About the introvert thing - I am an introvert, so I totally get that. However, the evaluator is talking about specific issues relating to his auditory processing deficits. His language skills gains seem to atrophy if he does not get enough conversation outside the family. Due to his auditory processing issues (and having an older brother who always spoke for him) his oral expressive language skills have always been a bit behind. He needs more auditory stimulation than we provide at home (we are a quiet household - 4 out of 5 of us are introverts.) He would prefer to do only visual activities (drawing, computer games, reading) over auditory activities (conversation, listening to music etc.)

[dirty ethel rackham]

Thanks, everyone for your input and for the encouragement and validation. I feel much better about having to make this executive decision. We are signing up for the 3 week trial with every intention of doing the whole shebang. I am carpooling with another family and my son likes her son, but he is a total extrovert and a high energy kid (and my son is the low energy introvert.) I know that this is something he will be good at and still meet our goals.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Yeah, Math Counts is one of the contests. I think there is another one as well. I know my son would like LegoMindstorms and chess. However, I have not been able to find a Lego Mindstorms group near here and the only chess groups around here are noisy, out-of-control affairs, which my son would HATE. The good one is over an hour away and I just can't fit that in.