First MIL Visit Down...And More Marriage Discovery

[Impish]

I goofed in my last post about this, and was deleted. Apologies to the Admin.

 

Can I tell you how hard it is to have MIL here? My husband becomes as tense as piano wire. She criticized Princess the entire time. Saying she's disobedient, and on and on. Princess isn't perfect, I wouldn't ever claim that, but for pete sakes, she's not even three!

 

I hate what her here does to my husband. He becomes snappish and irritable to everyone. He told me that having her here is out of sheer obligation, nothing more.

 

We're due to have her for a wknd. He mentioned that he would work the wknd she's here. At first, I was upset about it...but then I thought about it, and talked to SpecialMama. When he came back from driving her to his cousins, we have a long talk. I discovered once again how much I've changed and grown recently. I realized that I needed to protect my husband, to be his buffer. There's so much pain involved in his history with her, that he honestly can't handle being around her for long. I told him that I thought it was a good idea for him to work when she comes. He's home by 10am or so, and then heads to bed for a cpl of hours. I'll handle his mom for the morning. I told him that I realized (finally!) how much he needs me to be a filter for him, to protect him and ease the situation for him as best I can. I told him this was a gift I'm giving him.

 

Now the problem becomes, maintaining my sanity. :lol: I say that and laugh, but I'm serious too. MIL makes me nuts. If she'd criticized Princess one more time last night, I would have lost it.

 

Pray that I can maintain my composure, and manage my MIL in such a way that there isn't any fall out. Pray that I can withstand, and not have Wolf wake up with me snarling about some stunt his mother pulled.

 

I'm not sure I have the strength to manage this to be honest. I have the desire, but with my pain levels greatly affected by stress, I'm worried that I don't have the stamina.

[tex-mex]

Smile sweetly... whilst wearing earplugs. LOL Tune her out! Then innocently just smile, exclaim, "What...?", and pull one earplug out to irritate her. Pop it back in and do your daily work. My grandpa did the same to my battle-ax of a grandma with his hearing aid. Us grandchildren thought it was hilarious!!

[johnandtinagilbert]

Every time she makes a comment, say, "You're so sweet to notice we've been working on obedience. I'm sure it will be a lifelong effort."

 

the same words...every time....every time, the same words.

 

She'll either be blind and proud, or will shut her mouth.

 

Let her know how much you appreciate her and all the help she offers. Ask her if she wouldn't mind _______ (washing dishes, vacuuming) so you can work on that obedience.

 

Little princess won't remember much at this point and by the time she's a bit older, you'll have it under control :)

 

hugs and prayers for you Imp. I know MIL are tough...but the rewards for helping out dh will be wonderful...especially come Sept get-a-way!

[mommaduck]

Yep, same words, every time....and be annoyingly HAPPY!

[Impish]

LOL! Thanks for the tip! I'm thinking booze...:lol:

[johnandtinagilbert]

LOL! Thanks for the tip! I'm thinking booze...:lol:

ever notice my siggy line?

[Impish]

LOL, yup! Red wine gives me migraines from Hades though. I'm thinking rye...

[JudoMom]

A person in my extended family tends to make ill-timed and stupid statements. I wasn't around for the last one, but heard about it. The person who was on the receiving end of the comment gave me my new favorite line to use in those types of situations. He looked at her, smiled, and said "Well, isn't that awkward" and kept on with what he was doing.

 

So I vote that every time your MIL makes a comment, you look at her, smile, and say "Well, isn't that awkward" and then keep on with whatever you were doing.

 

Really, you're not going to please her. You're not going to change her. You might as well just acknowledge her lack of manners and get on with your day.

 

And I give you permission to take a swig of your beer or sip of your wine every time you say it. You could invent your own little shot game :lol:.

[Impish]

A person in my extended family tends to make ill-timed and stupid statements. I wasn't around for the last one, but heard about it. The person who was on the receiving end of the comment gave me my new favorite line to use in those types of situations. He looked at her, smiled, and said "Well, isn't that awkward" and kept on with what he was doing.

 

So I vote that every time your MIL makes a comment, you look at her, smile, and say "Well, isn't that awkward" and then keep on with whatever you were doing.

 

Really, you're not going to please her. You're not going to change her. You might as well just acknowledge her lack of manners and get on with your day.

 

And I give you permission to take a swig of your beer or sip of your wine every time you say it. You could invent your own little shot game :lol:.

I'd be blitzed well before noon! :lol:

[mommaduck]

LOL, yup! Red wine gives me migraines from Hades though. I'm thinking rye...

 

Okay, don't drink it, just sing about it...

 

"Red red wine you make me feel so fine

You keep me rocking all of the time

 

Red red wine you make me feel so grand

I feel a million dollars when your just in my hand"

[Impish]

I love that song! I'll have it stuck in my head all day now. :glare:

[Dirtroad]

LOL! Thanks for the tip! I'm thinking booze...:lol:

 

I thought of margaritas at a regular interval!

 

Also, remember the show Alley McBeal.... people would talk & their heads would swell up.... just imagine that sort of thing.... keep a little humor in your mind while you really don't hear anything said.

[Laurie]

I didn't see your deleted post, but here's what I get: Your mil is very difficult. She comes into your home, makes a lot of critical remarks, and generally makes you and your dh very uncomfortable the whole time.

 

What I don't get: Have either you and your dh confronted her about her behavior before? And if not, why not??? IMO you don't have to open your home to someone who makes the visit unbearable, not even his mother.

 

I also don't understand why you DIDN'T go ahead and lose it with her when she kept criticizing your child last night. I think you SHOULD lose it with her if she deserves it. WHY do people think it's somehow better to walk on eggshells around some of these gigantic PITA types? Why do they get carte blanche to cause these problems? Is this the example you want for your children...that some people are so big and scary that even my own parents won't stand up to them but will just sit back and watch and say nothing?

 

If you think she's out of line for remarks she makes, tell her to stop it. If she doesn't, tell her the visit's over. She either gets it or she gets out and doesn't get a return invitation.

 

Maybe she's on some sort of power trip, but you have the power to pull the plug. I know, because I've BTDT.

[Impish]

She's been confronted. All it does is produce an hysterical meltdown from her. She cries, whines, carries on...Or, on the flip side, she simply doesn't hear it at all. She has an incredible ability to simply not hear anything she doesn't like.

 

Reality of it is, she's 82 years old. She's been enabled in this behaviour by all of her siblings, her entire life. I've had warnings from Wolf's aunt whose had MIL pull stunts on her. I'm not going to be able to change who she is, who she's been allowed to be all her life. All I can do is stand up for my husband and children.

 

I've banned her from my home before, for telling horrid lies about my husband. By the time I relented, and the time of her visit was coming to an end, she told me she was glad I got over my misunderstanding :glare:

 

I suspect that along with having a narcissistic, hysterical, attention seeking personality, there's a touch of sociopathic behaviour too. I don't think she sees people as individuals who have emotions. They're just there for her service, nothing more. She has a complete lack of empathy and understanding. I also have reason to suspect that she's suffering from Alzheimer's or similar. She's shown issues in her memory, and has a sister with it.

 

I'm taking the mental path that she's unwell, has a psychological disease. You cannot expect rational behaviour from someone that's unwell. I'm trying to get my head space to the point where I can view her more clinically, as if she were a client I had in my home. I call her on behaviour when it involves the kids, in front of the kids if need be. Diva (10) is able to understand and notice whats going on, and we've talked about it. Tazzie (4) appears to adore her. Princess wants to make her nuts :D

[dangermom]

I like the phrase 'cheerful heartlessness.' That's the attitude I try to maintain around people like that. I like the repetition of the one sentence!

 

My FIL is quite difficult and I just quit caring about anything he said several years ago. (It's probably easier for me to do this, since he constantly makes remarks favoring my daughter over my niece, which makes my SIL's head explode.) He's not normal, he never will be (long story, not entirely his fault), and while he's very hard to spend time with, I just don't listen to any of it and that makes it easier. I'm sure relieved when it's over, though, he takes up more space in a room than anybody I know, psychologically speaking.

[johnandtinagilbert]

Okay, don't drink it, just sing about it...

 

"Red red wine you make me feel so fine

You keep me rocking all of the time

 

Red red wine you make me feel so grand

I feel a million dollars when your just in my hand"

 

now MIL will be so worried...she'll be drunk and singing! :lol::lol:

[Impish]

Considering her religion is against alcohol and dancing, it'll be a blow out unlike any before experienced. I mean, who can POSSIBLY hear 'Red, Red Wine' and not start boogeying around? :lol:

[mommaduck]

She's been confronted. All it does is produce an hysterical meltdown from her. She cries, whines, carries on...Or, on the flip side, she simply doesn't hear it at all. She has an incredible ability to simply not hear anything she doesn't like.

 

Reality of it is, she's 82 years old. She's been enabled in this behaviour by all of her siblings, her entire life. I've had warnings from Wolf's aunt whose had MIL pull stunts on her. I'm not going to be able to change who she is, who she's been allowed to be all her life. All I can do is stand up for my husband and children.

 

I've banned her from my home before, for telling horrid lies about my husband. By the time I relented, and the time of her visit was coming to an end, she told me she was glad I got over my misunderstanding :glare:

 

I suspect that along with having a narcissistic, hysterical, attention seeking personality, there's a touch of sociopathic behaviour too. I don't think she sees people as individuals who have emotions. They're just there for her service, nothing more. She has a complete lack of empathy and understanding. I also have reason to suspect that she's suffering from Alzheimer's or similar. She's shown issues in her memory, and has a sister with it.

 

I'm taking the mental path that she's unwell, has a psychological disease. You cannot expect rational behaviour from someone that's unwell. I'm trying to get my head space to the point where I can view her more clinically, as if she were a client I had in my home. I call her on behaviour when it involves the kids, in front of the kids if need be. Diva (10) is able to understand and notice whats going on, and we've talked about it. Tazzie (4) appears to adore her. Princess wants to make her nuts :D

 

Totally walking with same path with you. There is NOTHING you can do with someone who has NPD except cut contact with them. You can't fix them.

 

 

Considering her religion is against alcohol and dancing, it'll be a blow out unlike any before experienced. I mean, who can POSSIBLY hear 'Red, Red Wine' and not start boogeying around? :lol:

 

Very true ;) Let her think you're a rambling hippie...at least when she complains about you, she'll have something true to say for once :lol:

[Denisemomof4]

Considering her religion is against alcohol and dancing, it'll be a blow out unlike any before experienced. I mean, who can POSSIBLY hear 'Red, Red Wine' and not start boogeying around? :lol:

 

may I be serious for a moment? I suggest you eat as TON of beans the day before. Eat as much as your body can possibly handle. Have the kids do the same.

 

Then break out the booze and turn on the above song and dance - but not until your belly really feels uncomfortable.

 

And have Princess REALLY lay it on.

 

It's ALL good. :D

 

(I'm AWFUL!!!)

[RoughCollie]

Maybe she's on some sort of power trip, but you have the power to pull the plug. I know, because I've BTDT.

 

:iagree: I've BTDT too. No way I will let my mother get away with some of the things she has said to my children. It is my duty to protect them from her, in my view, so I do it.

 

They all heartily dislike my mother, thanks solely to her own efforts.

[angela in ohio]

I just want to tell you how much I admire your desire to honor and love your husband!! :thumbup:

 

I am in a similar place with mil. We are honoring her as dh's mother, and she has problems (mental illness.) So I smile and nod. Then we talk to the kiddos later about it all. We are modeling for them how we treat those we love and those God commands us to honor.

 

You will make it through. Think of a list of the things dh does for you and replay it in your head when she is making you crazy. It will help you remember who you are doing it for. And pray immediately for strength each time before you say anything else.

[hillfarm]

Be the DIL you need to be, not the one she wants/demands. Keep your main purpose (to protect your dh) at the forefront. Make yourself a cheapie beaded bracelet with the word "protect" on it if you have to, just to keep yourself from being tricked into abandoning your post. Do not engage - it is a distraction from your main mission.

 

If the MIL just makes snarky remarks about the kids, I would brush it off with a big smile and, "My, aren't we hypercritical today!" and just move on. If her remarks are actually hurtful to the children, I would just move everyone except MIL into another room and say merrily, "We don't say hurtful things to each other and expect to still have company!" And then just stay in the other room for a while. Let her weep, whine, and wail all alone. It's not much fun without an audience.

 

Bullies and complainers need an audience and victims. By removing them, there is no one to bait. The MIL will learn that if she wants to interact, then she will have to do it within your perameters or not at all. Keep timing her out until either she gives up or leaves. It may take several times at first, but even a dog can learn this consequence, so I'm sure a MIL can eventually. But given her age and possible diminished mental capacity, you might have to reteach it for each visit.

 

This whole Honor Thy Father and Mother thing can be such a fine line to walk, when they are not actually very honorable people. You have to do what you feel is right, not what they want or demand. I finally decided that my responsibilities were to see that my mother's basic physical needs were being met and that I was not bad mouthing her to others even when she deserved it. Giving in to her every whim is not part of honoring her. Being her verbal punching bag is not part of honoring her. Occasionally I am able to muster the grace to extend to her a kindness that is beyond her basic needs, which she usually does not accept well, so those offerings are few and far between. I refuse to let her poison infect me and I try to stand as a solid wall between her and my dh and child. She will not poison them if I can stop it. I have drawn a line in the sand. Her disfunction will not continue on in my family.

[MamaSheep]

I love the way you're sticking with your husband on this and being the wife he needs instead of letting it become divisive and putting him in the middle of two hysterical women. Good for you!! I really admire that.

 

I would be really tempted to say something like, "I know my parenting needs improvement, but I have such a hard time focusing on it because I'm so concerned about my poor housekeeping skills. Would you mind demonstrating for me the proper way to clean the toilets?" Then you get to watch her clean all your toilets. Does she know the ONLY proper way to do windows? Maybe she's an expert at gutters...

[elfgivas]

something that has helped me - a lot - was a tip from "peaceful parents, peaceful kids". imagine a wonderful peaceful place where you have been. notice the sounds, the smells, the feelings.

 

now, when your MIL makes you angry, in your mind, visit your peaceful place.

 

dh teases me that my record was 17 trips to Champagne pond - in ONE afternoon visit with his dear mom. lol...

 

but it works.

 

another fast technique when you're afraid you'll say something you regret is to yawn. for reasons i can't remember, it makes us more relaxed (well, that one's perhaps self evident) AND it makes us more empathetic. i'm not sure more empathy will help you, but anything that slows down the things i so desperately WANT to say helps me ; )

 

maybe take your kids for a walk? that would give you all a break. a simple "okay, outside time" would remove you all from her presence for a short time. and get all those nice endorphines flowing.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Mandy in TN]

I would be really tempted to say something like, "I know my parenting needs improvement, but I have such a hard time focusing on it because I'm so concerned about my poor housekeeping skills. Would you mind demonstrating for me the proper way to clean the toilets?" Then you get to watch her clean all your toilets. Does she know the ONLY proper way to do windows? Maybe she's an expert at gutters...

:lol:I must file this comment away for later use.

Mandy

[Impish]

Thanks for the responses!

 

If I told my MIL that my parenting needs improvement, she'd offer all sorts of 'helpful' criticism, advice, and come up with another 20+ pages of printed internet tips.

 

Last time she did that, I handed them to Wolf, saying, "Your mom wants you to read these" while she spluttered and stammered. :lol:

 

She's already told me that my house is horrible. :glare:

[johnandtinagilbert]

:lol::lol:

may I be serious for a moment? I suggest you eat as TON of beans the day before. Eat as much as your body can possibly handle. Have the kids do the same.

 

Then break out the booze and turn on the above song and dance - but not until your belly really feels uncomfortable.

 

And have Princess REALLY lay it on.

 

It's ALL good. :D

 

(I'm AWFUL!!!)

:lol::lol: right as I read that, the dog passed gas....I'm crackin' up! Crying!

[johnandtinagilbert]

I just want to tell you how much I admire your desire to honor and love your husband!! :thumbup:

 

I am in a similar place with mil. We are honoring her as dh's mother, and she has problems (mental illness.) So I smile and nod. Then we talk to the kiddos later about it all. We are modeling for them how we treat those we love and those God commands us to honor.

 

You will make it through. Think of a list of the things dh does for you and replay it in your head when she is making you crazy. It will help you remember who you are doing it for. And pray immediately for strength each time before you say anything else.

Great post and advice.

[Loupelou]

I love the way you're sticking with your husband on this and being the wife he needs instead of letting it become divisive and putting him in the middle of two hysterical women. Good for you!! I really admire that.

 

I would be really tempted to say something like, "I know my parenting needs improvement, but I have such a hard time focusing on it because I'm so concerned about my poor housekeeping skills. Would you mind demonstrating for me the proper way to clean the toilets?" Then you get to watch her clean all your toilets. Does she know the ONLY proper way to do windows? Maybe she's an expert at gutters...

 

Awesome, thanks, I really needed that. I even got a mental picture.:lol::lol:

[MistyJ]

Every time she makes a comment, say, "You're so sweet to notice we've been working on obedience. I'm sure it will be a lifelong effort." ]

 

What great advice that is! I have a rigid, hypercritical MIL, and I promise that correcting one's MIL never works. (Whether it came from me or my husband, she would go into throes of martyrdom and the silent treatment....and then when I was alone go in for the kill.) Kill them with kindness.

 

Also, my MIL does have great qualities...cooking, sewing, non-stop frenetic activity (i.e. cleaning). Figure out what your MIL is good at, has a gift for, and spend time with her on those things ONLY. She'll feel good, you'll learn a little, and then disengage.

 

Peace to you. It's a hard path.

[Impish]

Every time she makes a comment, say, "You're so sweet to notice we've been working on obedience. I'm sure it will be a lifelong effort." ]

 

What great advice that is! I have a rigid, hypercritical MIL, and I promise that correcting one's MIL never works. (Whether it came from me or my husband, she would go into throes of martyrdom and the silent treatment....and then when I was alone go in for the kill.) Kill them with kindness.

 

Also, my MIL does have great qualities...cooking, sewing, non-stop frenetic activity (i.e. cleaning). Figure out what your MIL is good at, has a gift for, and spend time with her on those things ONLY. She'll feel good, you'll learn a little, and then disengage.

 

Peace to you. It's a hard path.

I'm embarrassed to say it, but I honestly don't know of any 'great qualities' that MIL possesses...and I've looked. I've asked dh. His answer? "For pushing her agenda on everyone and anyone." :001_huh: We've talked about letting her 'help' with homeschooling, but discarded that almost as soon as it was uttered. She's the epitome of 'give an inch, take a mile'. When we first decided to homeschool, she informed me that 'wouldn't it be wonderful if I moved in with you folks? Then I could teach the children! After all, I am a REAL teacher!" :eek::leaving:

 

Its so very, very hard to do anything but be on the defensive when she's around. I've TRIED to create a positive relationship with her. I found that if I were friendly, she would literally follow me around. I'm talking, if I stopped quickly, she was ramming into the back of me! And, she was jealous if I paid attention to ANYONE but her. She told me once, "They have you all the time, I'm only here for a visit." :svengo:

 

Being carefully polite, and cultivating a professional detachment seems to be the only way I can manage her in the slightest. And it sucks. I'd really REALLY love for my children to have a grandmother that was pleasant to be around. I'd love to have a MIL that I can be close to.

 

Just not in the cards, I guess. :(

[Peela]

I wouldn't let MIL come. I dont think you are loving yourself, your husband or anyone, to allow the woman to enter your home for more than a cup of tea at long intervals, if at all.

If your dh can't handle his own mother, and protect you from her, he needs to grow up a bit and learn to kick her out and keep her at a distance.

Sorry, just my POV. I dont like seeing people thinking they are doing the right thing by being nice, when actually they are just letting an unhealthy situation for everyone, continue.

[mommaduck]

I wouldn't let MIL come. I dont think you are loving yourself, your husband or anyone, to allow the woman to enter your home for more than a cup of tea at long intervals, if at all.

If your dh can't handle his own mother, and protect you from her, he needs to grow up a bit and learn to kick her out and keep her at a distance.

Sorry, just my POV. I dont like seeing people thinking they are doing the right thing by being nice, when actually they are just letting an unhealthy situation for everyone, continue.

:iagree:

[johnandtinagilbert]

I wouldn't let MIL come. I dont think you are loving yourself, your husband or anyone, to allow the woman to enter your home for more than a cup of tea at long intervals, if at all.

If your dh can't handle his own mother, and protect you from her, he needs to grow up a bit and learn to kick her out and keep her at a distance.

Sorry, just my POV. I dont like seeing people thinking they are doing the right thing by being nice, when actually they are just letting an unhealthy situation for everyone, continue.

 

I cannot disagree with the intention of the bolded part, but some people are just not there. In this case, since her dh isn't there, supporting him, the way he has asked her to, is what most benefits the marriage and the family.

 

I am fortunate that my dh is there and I no longer have to deal with my MIL. It is a relief.

 

In this case, I doubt someone of her age will change, but at least when she's gone, Imp can always know she tried, and her husband will know the same and love Imp more b/c of it, IMHO.

 

:grouphug: I'm glad you never let that "REAL" teacher in :O)

[katemary63]

This whole Honor Thy Father and Mother thing can be such a fine line to walk, when they are not actually very honorable people. You have to do what you feel is right, not what they want or demand. I finally decided that my responsibilities were to see that my mother's basic physical needs were being met and that I was not bad mouthing her to others even when she deserved it. Giving in to her every whim is not part of honoring her. Being her verbal punching bag is not part of honoring her. Occasionally I am able to muster the grace to extend to her a kindness that is beyond her basic needs, which she usually does not accept well, so those offerings are few and far between. I refuse to let her poison infect me and I try to stand as a solid wall between her and my dh and child. She will not poison them if I can stop it. I have drawn a line in the sand. Her disfunction will not continue on in my family.

 

This is great and exactly how we feel. My MIL is NPD to the nines. My FIL is her supply. He will not listen to anyone about not meeting her "needs". He lets her bully him and order him around like a sick puppy. We have tried to talk to him, help him "deal" with her in a more healthy way, but he won't listen. So, we let them live their very sick lives and stay out of it. I can't believe he hasn't killed himself yet and I wouldn't be surprised if he did. We feel no obligation what so ever to engage with MIL. If FIL dies first, she will be promptly declared incompetent and put into a nursing home against her will. All three siblings have agreed. She will probably get a cordial visit once a week from somebody and that is about it. Her basic needs will be met. When the family is together, DH and I do not let her get away with one single word of her crap. We call her on it every time in front of everybody. Not in a rude way. Not with anger. Just calmly confront her and hold her accountable, right there in front of everyone. It actually shuts her up for a while so others don't have to listen to her nonsense. I do feel bad for FIL because I think that when we have done this, she takes it out on him when we are gone. We do this because we don't want our children or anyone else in the room, to ever think that what she does is normal or acceptable or that we condone it. The other option would be to just not be there at all.

I respect those who say, smile and go about your business. It is a fine choice. We are to the point that we just choose not to be around her at all. I think that is a valid choice also considering the extreme behavior of this woman. Some people are toxic, just totally toxic. Personally, I would not have her over. I would not allow her in my home. I just don't see why. I really don't. Being 82 doesn't excuse you from horrible behavior you have had all your life. Put her in a nursing home and visit once a week. Sleep like a baby and don't feel one bit of guilt. It is exactly the kind of relationship she has worked her whole life to have with her family.

[katemary63]

 

 

 

I'd really REALLY love for my children to have a grandmother that was pleasant to be around. I'd love to have a MIL that I can be close to. Just not in the cards, I guess. :(

 

My kids have no "real" grandparents, even though they are all four alive. I am completely estranged from my father and my kids do not know him and do not want to know him since they know what kind of "father" he was. My mother is a nice lady, but so emotionally immature that she can only really be a "grama" to little kids. Once they are 10 or so, they start realizing that this is pretty much all there is. My MIL, as I said, is NPD and a complete loon. My FIL is too busy "dealing" with MIL that he is emotionally unavailable to ANYONE else. Not one of the four is the kind of grandparent I plan to be. I can only apologize to my children and promise to them that things will be different for their children. I promise!

 

I haven't had a "mother" myself since I was 5. And of course, the MIL could never be....anything to me except the lady who gave birth to my DH. ( and for that, I am eternally grateful!)

 

It really stinks. But...I look to the future. I know things are and will be different for my kids and grandkids. We have a family to be proud of inspite of our origins and are starting traditions and a legacy of love, respect, commitment, selflessness and sacrifice that we pray will carry on into future generations. The buck stops here. The past of over and done. The future is glorious!