WWYD--MIL coming to help with new baby

[TKDmom]

So, I am due to have a baby in 4 weeks. My MIL has been been asking me when I want her to come help out with the baby (my mother passed away a couple of years ago). At first I told her that I didn't want her to come out--the whole family will be out to see the baby over Labor Day weekend and I will have help from the ladies at church if I need it. I think I hurt her feelings. Then I started thinking, maybe I do need help. It would be nice to have someone here spending some time with the kids, cooking dinner, etc. So I swallowed my pride and asked her if she would be able to come.

 

I had forgotten that when she comes to visit us, she always brings her work with her. She is a medical transcriptionist and while she is here she will spend several hours a day working (and tying up my phone line). I know, this is a minor annoyance. There will be other minor annoyances, but I don't need to list them. I should just accept them as the price for having help around the house.

 

At this point I don't think I can continue to be wishy-washy and tell her I don't want her to come after all. But I don't know when to tell her to be here. What I am the most stressed about is having someone to come and care for the kids when I have to rush to the hospital at midnight (is it just my imagination or do all babies come in the middle of the night? :lol:) So it would be best if she came before the baby does. But she came before my due date with the last 2 kids and it was fairly stressful for me. I have yet to deliver a baby early, and every day she would ask me if I was in labor yet. I don't think it was meant unkindly, but in my progesterone-induced state it made me crazy. I ended up getting induced with ds #2 a few days after my due date so that I could have the baby before she had to go home. I'm tempted to tell her to come whenever she wants--she knows when this baby will be here as well as I do. And I'm tired of people asking me to make decisions :001_smile:. Any thoughts?

[phathui5]

Hm. Do you have a neighbor or someone who can come to the house when you have to run out to the hospital?

[dcjlkplus3]

I'm tempted to tell her to come whenever she wants--she knows when this baby will be here as well as I do.

 

 

Why not just tell her this. Even though she wants to come help, you might want to just think of it more as her just coming out to see her newest grandbaby. Enjoy the visit whenever it happens.

[MOM24WONDERS]

I always think about how *I* will want to be treated when my son marries and has children. I don't want to be the outsider. I'm sure she just wants to come and help. Let her be a grandma and take the help. You are going to need it. :)

[Orthodox6]

If MIL is working, she will not be helping with the baby. Nor should you have your telephone line unavailable for several hours per day. (No family should.) That is a practical problem for any visit, baby or not. If she holds a job, I don't see the visit as compatible with your circumstances. If, on the other hand, she can take a vacation and come to rejoice in her new grandchild and help around the house, then that would be wonderful !

 

I hope things work out happily for all ! (and prayers going up for you and baby !)

[Supertechmom]

But will she actually be any help? I always ask this about my mom and mil when they want to come "help" The answer is no. They won't put laundry in the machine, they won't run the vacuum, they won't help with the older children, they won't cook, they won't do anything but hold the baby and then fuss when I take the baby to go nurse or give the baby to me to go change diapers. So in the end they both make extra work for me and hubby. Nothing worse than thinking you can crawl into the bed and nap because someone is there to take care of things and to help only to have hubby come in at 8:30 that night and discover that the house is a wreck , no dinner at all for anyone, and you in the bed while one of them snarks about how you just lay around. ;) So if you know she is going to make you stressed, I would be inclined to ask her to come after the baby and I are somewhat coherent. But if she is a great helper and makes you delighted she's there to help out,despite the minor issues, then could she get to you quickly in the middle of the night? Or arrive the day the baby is due or the day after the due date if you know you typically run late?

[Stacie]

After #4 I was grateful for any help, even if it was for just a few hours a day. Could she come after the baby is born and not before, so as to minimize the "are you in labor yet" questioning? You could explain that you'd love to spend some quiet one-on-three time with the older ones before the chaos of a newborn hits the household, but you could really use her help after baby is born.

 

ETA: You should, of course, tell her to bring her own telephone/computer/work supplies. Monopolizing someone else's electronics for hours on end is just not acceptable!

Edited July 27, 2009 by Stacie

[herbalgirl]

I agree that if she's going to be bringing her work with her (especially during this time!), then she should either take a vacation or wait until she can to come.

 

My dh's family always wants to come and help me when I have a baby, but we have very different views on raising/disciplining children (among other things) and it stresses me out so much that I told my dh I don't want them to come. We're asking neighbors to stay with our kids while we go to the hospital instead.

[LizzyBee]

Do you have a coffee shop or fast food place nearby that offers free wi-fi? If so, she could go there to work a few hours each day, giving you a break from each other and not tying up your phone line. Would she be open to that or would that kind of suggestion hurt her feelings?

 

Personally, I preferred having my mom come a week or so after the babies were born rather than before. I liked having some family time with the new baby before she came.

[TKDmom]

You should, of course, tell her to bring her own telephone/computer/work supplies.

 

 

She will bring all her own equipment. One of the devices requires both DSL and a phone line to work (I don't remember the specifics of why), so I won't be getting any incoming phone calls. I'll still be able to use my own computer and my cell phone and I have caller ID/call waiting so I'll be able to see if anyone calls me. I just get annoyed by it. She took off several weeks this summer to visit family all over the country this summer. But she almost never takes time off when she visits us (unless it's over the holidays). But I'm just complaining. I fell like I *ought* to be grateful for the help even when it's not as helpful as I want it to be--it's still better than nothing.

[Danestress]

if you have friends who could stay with your other children for a "middle of the night" labor. I would try to schedule her a couple of weeks out so that you are more rested.

 

For me, tying up the phone line would not be a negative, and actually, I almost sort of like it that when my MIL used to come for a few weeks, she brought stuff to do (though not paid work). I would prefer that to having someone want to chat all day.

 

Can you ask her to come for a few days and use her to help with the other children and the meals. Even if she's not full time help, it might be nice, and even if it's not at all nice, I think you sort of have to let a grandma come see her new grand baby. If you aren't really doing it to help yourself, do it as a gift to her, unless you think she actually doesn't want to come and is just being nice.

[jujsky]

If MIL is working, she will not be helping with the baby. Nor should you have your telephone line unavailable for several hours per day. (No family should.) That is a practical problem for any visit, baby or not. If she holds a job, I don't see the visit as compatible with your circumstances. If, on the other hand, she can take a vacation and come to rejoice in her new grandchild and help around the house, then that would be wonderful !

 

:iagree: It's not practical if she's working. That's going to be more stressful for you and your family in the long-run. If she can take a vacation, great. If she can't, then I don't see it working very well.

 

And as for constantly asking when the baby is coming, my MIL did that to me too and it drove me nuts! She didn't seem to "get" that a due-date is no more than an educated guess.

[Stacie]

I almost sort of like it that when my MIL used to come for a few weeks, she brought stuff to do (though not paid work). I would prefer that to having someone want to chat all day.

 

 

 

 

:iagree: My MIL is of the "I'm here to help you, what are you going to do to entertain me?" variety. She's not allowed to visit us for more than an hour at a time. ;)

[johnandtinagilbert]

have a person designated to come for middle of the night birth, then call her and have her come on say...day 2 or 3 after the birth.

 

Before she comes, ask her what kinds of things she'd like to help with. Already know what you'd prefer, in case she asks. Something like, "Having an afternoon at the park would be great for the dc. I would love some help with laundry, as my church will be providing meals."

 

Who cares if she works a few hours. Any help is help.

 

Blessings on the new baby for a safe and healthy delivery for you both!

[kalanamak]

I just get annoyed by it. She took off several weeks this summer to visit family all over the country this summer.

 

 

I understand your annoyance. I'd be annoyed. For those others, they should know that transcriptionists often work for more than one doc and unless they all go out of town at the same time, they never get a day off. I know some people who haven't had a day off in years.

[hornblower]

I'd have her come after the baby arrives.

 

Take the help but be clear up front what you want & how you want it. Make up a day schedule and send it to her in advance & put in what kind of help you want (play with older kids; put in laundry & fold; make dinner; make extra meals for freezer) Some people's help is so annoying that it just hampers things. (But then I'm a recovering control freak so that probably has something to do with my attitude towards this :D)

 

I would LEAP at the idea of tossing her out to a cafe every day where she can do her own work & you can have the house to yourself for a few hours. Present it as a 'treat' to her - 'this way you get some quiet time away from us!'.

 

And make sure there's a clear exit date. If it's going well, you can always beg her to extend her visit. But if it's going badly, you can look forward to the day she'll depart :tongue_smilie:

 

Seriously. It might be ok. And you might find you have room for another mother in your heart. Let her mother you the best way she can.

[BalanceSeeker]

Do you think she can afford the time off? If so, I'd just ask her, "will you be able to count this as a vacation so that you can help me with the kids, cooking, and picking up, because I'm really going to need it!"

 

The help I received from MIL from the last baby was as much of a blessing to her as it was to me. She knew I appreciated it, and she made it her mission to do as much as she could to lighten my load. Prior to that, I sort of held her at arms length and it wasn't so good for either of us.

 

If she is going to make this a work retreat, I'd probably ask her to come after your family has settled in. It's just too much with a newborn to have someone else present who really isn't helping.

Edited July 28, 2009 by BalanceSeeker

[Garga]

If she's a normal person without weird issues, then jump at this chance. Post a to-do list on the fridge every day and then you and she can work through the list each day.

 

I don't see what the big deal would be if she has to work for a few hours a day. Put her in a room alone somewhere. It'll be nice to have a break from each other during her stay.

 

I wish, wish, wish that my mother or mil had offered to help me. I was floored that they didn't offer. I even asked them to come and stay and they said, "Nah, you won't want me hanging around." Why not?? It was lonely and tough not having the help. And frankly, I resent it that no on helped. They are normally wonderful people who would help and I'm still baffled about why, when I was most exhausted, stressed and weakest physically, they didn't bother to help.

 

Ok--rant over.

 

Bottom line: embrace the help.

[Dirtroad]

I would find someone close to help for "the call" and labor/birth time!

 

I would have her prepared to come a week or so after the due date. Let her help & let her do her work.... you can still NAP and kids have someone to watch them while you rest.

 

She won't be moving in and it is good for grandkids to know family. You might even ask her to come with some stories of her family and DH growing up, etc.

 

R.E.S.T. Let the rest fall to the wayside & accept her help. Remember, it is probably a bit hard for her too.... but you can use the extra set of hands ... even if it is just to let you sleep & rest & heal!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I did best having my mom come 1 month after the baby's arrival. I still needed the help. And the baby is a bit cuter!

[PollyOR]

Does your DH have time off after the baby is born? Maybe she can make plans to come when your DH has to return to work.

 

I stayed overnight with DD and her DH after they brought 1st baby home. After being up half the night, I would drive home to a house full of kids (o.k just 3 who were old enough to care for themselves) who wanted my attention. I was seriously sleep deprived and grouchy after a few days. Her DH was home and sleeping as much as she was . If I hadn't known better, I would have thought he was the one who had given birth. :lol:

 

She recently had baby #2. They now live 30 minutes away with only a love seat for guests to sleep on. I decided that her DH could take care of her since he had a week before school starts (and yes he wanted me to come sleep over again and/or my older girls). I was feeling guilty about my decision and then I came down with a cold the night before they checked out of the hospital. So, it has all worked out. Her DH is being forced to take care of his family (though I can guarantee he has convinced someone to step in and help). I've informed my DD that her sisters and I will step up to the plate when her hubby starts school on Monday.

 

Being a grandma is a little tricky. You love your grandchild so much, but you come to a quick realization that it isn't your baby. You want to be involved buy try to do so without stepping on toes.

 

Finally, here is my "guilty dil" story. I was pregnant with mother-in-law's first grandchild. My mother decided not to come help (long story). My MIL offered to come and I turned her down because I was afraid of hurting my own mother's feelings. Boy, do I regret that! I didn't even think about it being MIL's first grandchild and I certainly could have used the help.

 

If you guys get along fairly well, I would accept the help.