ugh, I just completely overreacted!

[luckymom]

I am so angry with myself for losing it with my DS7. This child has the worst table manners and is constantly spilling, shmearing, dropping, etc. his food while he eats. I have patiently - it feels like a million times - explained nice manners, why they are important, how we eat, how we carefully pour things, how to keep himself clean during meals, etc. He will do it for a day and then revert to basically eating like a pig. Well, this morning at breakfast I just lost it. He got egg and bread and juice all over himself, the table, the chair, the floor, etc..... I have a 3 year old ds who can eat nicely, I do not think it is age just thoughtlessness. I shouted and I ranted and I threatened and I made him clean the mess, etc. The natural consequence is to make him clean the mess without me screaming, yes? Well, here's the thing, he makes an even bigger mess while he is cleaning the mess and he whines and fusses and drips and drags, and, and, and until I just want to implode or explode. So I lost it today and was immature and screamed bloody murder and set a bad example and am exhausted from this. Now, it's hard for me to snap out of my angry/irritated attitude and move on. I am just sick and tired of it. I HATE bad table manners. It grosses me out! I have always hated bad table manners. I don't even like to touch food. (Maybe I have sensory issues). Anyway, I just needed to vent and kind advice would be appreciated.

[rowan25]

:grouphug:

[KingM]

I have both of these problems, the child with the horrid table manners, and the parent who overreacts.

 

I try, but struggle to remember, that the point of good table manners is not just teaching manners themselves, but that I aspire to have dinner be the most enjoyable part of the day. I work hard preparing a variety of delicious, nutritious food that people can enjoy while we spend quality family time together, talking about our day and other things of interest.

 

And yet it seems like half the time I cross the line from reminders to nagging or even losing my temper, and this is probably worse for the tone of dinner than anything else.

 

I do better when I have a little discussion with myself before sitting down, so that I can hopefully remember to be a little more patient as kids start eating with all the manners of a pack of wild dogs.

[*********]

Luckymom, we all blow it sometimes. :grouphug: Ask him to forgive you for your reaction, talk again about your expectations regarding table manners, give him extra cuddles.

 

Forgive yourself. Which (please forgive me if you are not a Christian), but I find I can only forgive myself once I have asked the Lord, as well as whomever I have wronged, to forgive me.

 

Again, remember you're not alone, you're not the first (or last!) mom to 'lose it'. I, personally, cannot stand cleaning up spilled milk or juice from the kitchen floor. Ugh. They spill it, it gets all over the chair/table/walls/floor. Every.single.time. Ugh, and sigh. And it seems no matter how well I wipe it, if I don't get out the mop, it's still sticky. :tongue_smilie: I've lost it a time or two over that. Seriously. Over spilling a drink. Man, I feel like such a shlub afterwards.

 

Again, :grouphug:.

[Amy in NH]

We teach our children to lean over their plates and chew with their mouths closed. We find that those two items make a world of difference in the spilling of food all over themselves/table/floor/etc. At our house, the consequence for not leaning over the plate while sitting at the table is to lose your chair. If you don't know how to sit properly to lean over your plate, you don't get a chair until you can show that you know how to lean over your plate without a chair. Of course, they don't lose it every time there is a mess, but it comes after many warnings/calm(ish) teaching opportunities like you have tried. It worked, albeit slowly, for my 2nd son, who was very sloppy but now has excellent table manners.

 

Good luck!

[jenL]

I completely understand and have been you on many occasions. It's okay. I apologize for my over-reacting, explain my frustration, and we move on. I don't like when I lose it, but I am only human and so are you. I hope you have a better rest of the day. Take some deep breaths, separate yourself from them for a bit (if possible), and maybe call this a "slow" day so you can regroup. Good luck, and know you are not alone! :grouphug:

[JVA]

May I suggest (after you calm down a little- don't worry- we've all done that before) that you consider back tracking with your son. Instead of him being able to have all the food at one time, give him one piece or a portion one at a time.....For example, glass of milk- if he can drink from it w/o spilling, then he gets to have a plate w/ _______ on it. If he can take a bite, chew and put his spoon/fork down in the proper place, then he can have the next item. If he can't be successful with one item, then remove it and start over again. He may be over whelmed with all the choices/ manners in which to eat (utensil/fingers) and conversation stimuli at the table.

I would just back up and 'start over'. Give him napkin, make him use it, checking on himself continually. Also, consider whether he feels rushed. I spill when I'm in a hurry. Perhaps pictures or descriptions of what he should be doing would help him. I hope it gets better.:)

[Rhonda in TX]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

My DD is 11 and gets something on her clothes just about every time we eat. I cannot count the number of outfits she has ruined with tomato sauce, chocolate, etc. Argh!

 

You've gotten some excellent suggestion, but I would suggest that you do some things to make clean-up easier on yourself. Put a towel under his plate, under his chair, and and on his chair. Maybe even clothespin one over his clothes to protect hem. Have him get the towels and put them out himself. If he just spills crumbs, he can shake it out outside and re-use it at the next meal. If he makes a bigger mess, he can take the towels and put them straight in the washer (or laundry basket).

[Jean in Newcastle]

You've gotten some great advice here on how to handle the table manners.

 

Re. the losing it. Your body had a huge dump of cortisol (the stress hormone). You might need to take a family walk or have a cleaning frenzy or something in order to calm down - not just mentally, but physically. Drink lots of water to flush your system too.

 

Then once you are calmed down and feel better, then get things straight with God (if you are a Christian) and get things straight with your son. It's ok to apologize for the delivery but not the consequence of having to clean up. And it's ok to say, "at the next meal we're going to start fresh. There may be some new rules or routines to help both of us, but we're going to work on this issue together. It won't get better miraculously but with patience we can develop some new habits."

[Wyndie]

First :grouphug: Lord knows I have blown my top over table issues as well!

 

Second I want to share a few thoughts. My middle child used to be naturally clumsy, trying SO hard not to drop things and make a mess but she just couldn't help it. It turned out she had high ammonia (resulting from a urea cycle problem) and it was causing the clumsiness. So my thought when I read your post was maybe he has an actual physical problem causing this? I realize it may not be, but if you see other areas of unusual clumsiness I would look into that further.

 

If it's just table manners, my sympathies and understanding!!!

[katemary63]

Three comments:

 

1. We ALL loose it with our kids, well MOST of us. I've screamed, shouted and acted like a fool about little stuff. HOWEVER, it is important to apologize every. single. time. If I loose my temper and over react, I say I'm sorry.

 

2. I am 45 with 3 grown children. The biggest regrets I have are these tirades. I remember them and am embarassed by them. It is the one thing I wish I had gotten a handle on sooner. I rarely "loose it" with my 8 year old as I did with the olders simply because of the regret I feel. So...the point is....take some time to stop and think about the future. Think about what this can do to your relationship with your son. Realize that your RELATIONSHIP is more important then table manners. This is said with the utmost compassion and understanding. It is a "learn from my experience" comment, not a criticism. The yelling fits are not worth it...not at all...

 

3. I am a slob when I eat. I always have been and always will be. It is not ill manners, lack of caring, or laziness - it is just me. My parents tell me stories about me as a kid spilling and ruining clothes. I spill something almost everytime I eat to this day. Even at restaurants. Food falls off my fork, out of my mouth, off my plate, I spill drinks, knock over salad bowls....on and on. My entire family will make a comment at the end of a meal, "Hey mom, no spills, good job!" or "Mom, you better change your shirt ( white) if we're having spaghetti." I am a clutz in my all areas of my life and I have learned that while I certainly don't LIKE this quality about myself, I'm not going to hate myself for it it either. I've learned to handle it with humor. Maybe your son is just a fast moving kid with low impulse controle (me)? Does he also walk into walls, trip over stuff, knock his elbow on everything, drop things? That might be a clue.

 

( I'm not talking about obvious manners like keep your mouth closed while you chew or don't shovel too much food in at once. Those are manners I would insist on,)

Edited June 8, 2009 by katemary63

[OneRoomSchoolHouse]

To make meals easier for us, we eat outside on nice days. We do breakfast and lunch for sure, then if dh is ok with it we may do supper too. The kids have a little picnic table and I don't have to clean up any spills. Yeah! Also, the child size table helps. The worst they can do is make me wash down the table and that is super easy. We all enjoy eating outside and talk about nature and the things around us as we eat.

 

My dd(7) is a big spiller too. Sometimes, if we have had lots of spills, we revert to using a cup with a lid, like a coffee mug. This is fun for her and helps with my stress issues. I make the plates for her so there is not spillage on the table and we use a placemat to catch the crummys and drips. I also keep a supply of old towels availlable for her to clean up her spills herself. Paper towels have always been so messy, not to mention wasteful with the amount of them we would go through.

 

Good luck!

[luckymom]

for all the good advice. we apologized to each other and discussed next steps. re-set! lunch was much better. thanks again.

[Marylou]

for all the good advice. we apologized to each other and discussed next steps. re-set! lunch was much better. thanks again.

 

So happy for you.

 

Just wanted to let you know when we really want our dc to learn something we often will role-play. That has done wondres.

 

And whatever you do . . .do not let your child hear you tell others he is a slob/messy eater/messy etc. etc. He surely knows that already and it will only make things worse for hime to hear those words from you.

 

Take care,

[lionfamily1999]

I tend to dump the food and send the offending person from the table. You want to eat? Then act like a decent human being. It is not a shovel, it is an eating utensil. I do not want to see what you are chewing. I, most definitely, do not want to HEAR what you are eating. If you wish to speak, put down the cutlery, by all means, and do so, with an empty mouth.

 

Meals aren't enjoyable if you're eating with savages.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

This child has the worst table manners and is constantly spilling, shmearing, dropping, etc. his food while he eats.

 

I don't even like to touch food. (Maybe I have sensory issues).

 

I'm so glad you were able to apologize, reset, start over--everyone loses it from time to time.

 

When I read your post, tho, these two quotes stood out for me. I am much more aware of certain things now, having spent the year in a classroom with kiddos who had various sensory issues, and a co-teacher who is skilled in detecting and remediating them. So I offer this: You may, indeed, have sensory issues--not liking certain textures, appearances, sounds, etc. You may be on the sensorially "overloaded" end. Your son may be on the other end of the line--he may crave sensory feedback. Poor table manners are often a sign of having a sensory system like this. Because his body needs more feedback, he may really enjoy and naturally seek out behaviors that give him that feedback, like stuffing his mouth really full. It just feels better to him. He may also have trouble with utensils and pouring things because there is less of a direct connection between his hands and the food he has to manipulate.

 

It can show up in lots of ways. A child with a true integration disorder might bump into things, trip, appear clumsy, misjudge if there's space to slip thru between people or things or stand too close to people. They might like to go fast (skateboard, race bikes, ride rollercoasters), eat crunchy foods, get messy in mud, build then destroy (and sometimes roll around on the blocks or whatever they built with). Conversely, they might go the other way--hate to touch new textures, have trouble eating certain foods, be easily irritated by certain fabrics, show reluctance to finger paint, etc.

 

Not saying you or your child have these issues in a serious way, but it certainly could be part of the equation here, for both of you. I think many of us have sensory issues that aren't severe enough to warrant a diagnosis of SID, but can still interfere with our lives. You say he has enough control to show good manners for a day or so--perhaps knowing how difficult it can be for a 7yo to go against something his body is so strongly telling him is "right" will help you be his cheerleader and discover some strategies for helping him.:001_smile:

[Dirtroad]

You are awesome b/c you care! WE all have bad days or episodes (it is the repetition or patterns that are bad). You can always apologize for exploding.;)

 

As for bad manners... I have a DD who is very messy. Not as much as you describe, but still messy. She has improved, but I have been known to give her a "sippy cup" and small spoon during those times when she was constantly making messes.

 

We also try preventive things.... no swinging arms at table, put fork down between bites, napkin in lap for drops, etc. No standing during the meal or walking around, etc.

 

Hopefully, maturity will resolve some of it! Hang in there! :grouphug:

[kellycbr]

May I suggest (after you calm down a little- don't worry- we've all done that before) that you consider back tracking with your son. Instead of him being able to have all the food at one time, give him one piece or a portion one at a time.....For example, glass of milk- if he can drink from it w/o spilling, then he gets to have a plate w/ _______ on it. If he can take a bite, chew and put his spoon/fork down in the proper place, then he can have the next item. If he can't be successful with one item, then remove it and start over again. He may be over whelmed with all the choices/ manners in which to eat (utensil/fingers) and conversation stimuli at the table.

I would just back up and 'start over'. Give him napkin, make him use it, checking on himself continually. Also, consider whether he feels rushed. I spill when I'm in a hurry. Perhaps pictures or descriptions of what he should be doing would help him. I hope it gets better.:)

 

Oh, this sounds like a good one to try! And then get a dog.:D

 

Kelly

[mcconnellboys]

Maybe *he* has sensory issues. I look back on the childhood of my now almost 17 year old and see the exact same child you are describing (in fact, he is still very much like this). For my son, I've come to realize that he's not just being lazy or doing it on purpose, or being thoughtless, careless, etc. He really does have motor skill issues and sensory issues that render him unable to do some things in a way that I'd like to see them done.

 

So I've fussed and lost it with him in years past, but I now try to be a little more observant about what's occurring with him. When I do ask him to clean up the counters after he's left things spilled all over them 5 minutes following a clean up by me, I accept the job he does and just go back after him. In watching over the years when he cleans, he holds a sponge or cleaning cloth in such a weird way that very little of it comes into contact with the surface it is supposed to be cleaning and so cleaning just can't get done. I've tried to help him with his grasp of such objects, but he just doesn't seem to be able to do it any other way.

 

He also will struggle with a ketsup or other condiment packet until he's in the floor under the table because he can't get it open. Same for most types of packaging. He didn't used to be able to do zippers, buttons, snaps, etc. After years of swimming (best therapy he's ever gotten), he can do some things a little better now - but it's still far from perfect!

 

Perhaps stepping back and looking at what's occurring with an eye toward analysis of the problem might help. You may see that there are certain movements occurring on a regular basis that cause or prevent things from occurring as they should under normal circumstances. I will add that my son, for instance, also tends to sit in a chair with at least one foot up in the seat under him - not crossed - but just the flat part of the foot tucked under him so that his knee is up in the air. It's a weird thing to see now that he's almost six and a half feet tall, LOL, but I believe that it's one other indicator of this type of problem.

 

If your son is diagnosed with sensory problems, there are some types of OT that might prove helpful. As I mentioned (and as several OT's have told me), swimming on a regular basis year round also provides good therapy for this type problem.

[KidsHappen]

Some kids are just naturally like this. They really can't help themselves. I have six kids - two are/were little pig pens, two are normal and two are like me and would have an epileptic fit if they got something sticky on themselves. It is/was very hard for the first and last type to coexist peacefully in the same household. Almost every blow-up I ever had had something to do with a sticky mess or spill. I found a few things helpful: all kids use cups with lids until they are well into their teens and open drinks are never allowed outside of the kitchen. Anything that has the potential to create a sticky mess must be confined to the kitchen and I make all things like pb&js for my children until they are well into their teens. Eventually they learn or leave home. :tongue_smilie:

 

If you have something like this that you know is a trigger for you and a difficulty for your child then prevention works much better than having to deal with a mess after the fact. Also Chris's post has lots of helpful info to consider. So sorry for you and your son. Sometimes it is so hard to be a parent and of course we all make mistakes. :grouphug:

[Wyndie]

I will add that my son, for instance, also tends to sit in a chair with at least one foot up in the seat under him - not crossed - but just the flat part of the foot tucked under him so that his knee is up in the air. It's a weird thing to see now that he's almost six and a half feet tall, LOL, but I believe that it's one other indicator of this type of problem.

 

 

In Unicorns are real, the author says this is very common of right brain dominant children. Right brain dominant do tend to be more sloppy than left... fwiw

[lgm]

You could request an OT evaluation or ask the pediatrician for an opinion.

 

I have one that has some difficulty still at 11. We use a bowl and spoon for peas or corn. For drinks, we used a cup with a lid until last year - either a commuter coffee cup or a plastic kid's restaurant cup w/lid that has a hole in it for a straw. If it's on a placemat, it will be a very smooth placemat that will not move or have a bump surface to catch the cup when he sets it down. Another thing to consider is the utensil itself..some kids do better with fat handles like these:

Also consider using a phone book or two so the child is the right height in relation to the table...it's a lot easier to use a utensil properly if so.

[mcconnellboys]

AHA!!!!! He's *extremely*, totally right brained, LOL!

[Tree House Academy]

I tend to explode when my oldest son loses things and realized he needs them just before we leave the house. It happens about once a month. I am not proud of it...but some things just hit us wrong. It is part of raising kids...no parent is perfect. :grouphug:

[KidsHappen]

In Unicorns are real, the author says this is very common of right brain dominant children. Right brain dominant do tend to be more sloppy than left... fwiw

 

 

I have never heard this before but it seem to be true in our case. Both of my pigpens are the right brain artists of the family.