Rose in BC Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 I love the age my kids are and yet it's uncharted territory. And sometimes I'm not prepared for the ups and downs that are associated with hormones, desire for independence and just life in general. Today is one of those days. I'm dealing with my soon to be 13 yr ds who suddenly thinks he's 42 and can do what he wants. Well that doesn't work for me or for our home. And yet the flip side is I have an overwhelming sense of compassion for each of children, who are adopted and bring with them certain baggage. My sister today told me that I treat my ds like a puppy dog. That is, he does something wrong, I do give out some consequence but then I call him to me, in her words, "come here little puppy" to smooth things over. (I am sure this sounds like nonsense but the reality is I am a huge dog lover, picking up strays and pampering them until they are incorporated into our family. That's why that analogy.) Of course the problem is he isn't a puppy dog and the wrong things need to be corrected because there can be long term consequences. A puppy, well not so much. And btw I don't really think my son is a puppy dog or a stray. I just love him so much that I don't want there to be any friction between us (which I know is unrealistic in parenting.) I have a bark and no bite. All this just to say each stage of parenting sure has it's challenges and sometimes I wish they came with an instruction manual! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Oh my, do I hear ya. I will say, tho, that it's incredibly important to get comfortable with your ds' discomfort, when it comes to enforcing consequences. If there's no boundary, he'll probably keep trying to find one, and you don't want that. It's no less a magical time than other ages, but it IS different, that's for sure. No one prepared me.:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted June 2, 2009 Author Share Posted June 2, 2009 I know good boundaries are necessary and I guess I was just getting sloppy because he hasn't done anything really "bad". It's just hard to be an enforcer but I am surely going to practice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Oh yeah - you think it should get easier as they get older but instead it just gets way more complicated. This year has been a roller coaster for us, but today everyone is behaving themselves. Yay! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 If you are still firm on the consequence, there is nothing wrong with attending to the emotional needs too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Oh my. That's something that nobody tells you about, isn't it? That there will be the days, weeks, months, even years where you feel like you're fumbling in the dark, praying like mad that you're doing this parenting thing right, and the only way you'll really have any indication at all is when your dc are grown...and even then, you won't even be sure. Watching them with their own children will be some sort of indication, but there's always the stories of 'from a good family gone bad' that wakes me up at night in a cold sweat. They tell you about labour and delivery, but none of this jazz. Probably cause its waaaaaaaaaaaaaay scarier than anything that happens in L&D :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted June 2, 2009 Author Share Posted June 2, 2009 If you are still firm on the consequence, there is nothing wrong with attending to the emotional needs too. The problem is I'm good at meeting the emotional needs and not so good with being an enforcer of the boundaries but I know there's hope for me. After all isn't the first step to progress recognizing the problem. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenniferB Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 If you are still firm on the consequence, there is nothing wrong with attending to the emotional needs too. :iagree: Hi Jean! Yes, I agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 (edited) From one adoptive mom to another: please, try your best not to do your child the disservice of lightening up on discipline because you have compassion for their birth history! (Not to say this is what you are doing, just that I recognize and share the temptation...;)) My kiddos have some special needs related to their birth histories and I often find myself wanting to cut them some slack as a result. It IS appropriate in some situations but not in others...I have to pick my moments. For example, my DD suffers from anxiety, so I cut her some slack on her math. I don't, however, cut her any slack on her backtalk! :D Basically, I believe that though their backgrounds are worthy of my compassion (and I certainly offer it), it's my duty as a mom to treat them as normally as possible where discipline is concerned. I think that kids who are adopted need to feel as normal as possible in all areas...not pitied, but expected to work to their potential. It's okay to accomodate their special needs but not to make them feel "different" or "damaged" in some way by not treating them as you would a birth child. I think my kids deserve as normal a life as possible and that includes normal discipline. That said, only you know if this applies to you! Compassion is great and a gentle touch is wonderful. I'd just advise you to guard against the pity that naturally comes when you have kiddos who have been hurt...I think it's easy to hurt them again (though obviously not in the same way! ;)) by spoiling them out of love. Love 'em enough to set limits...I guess that would probably be the best way to summarize what I'm trying to say! :D (...written as I take multiple breaks to discipline said DD, who is currently attempting a coup in order to gain permission to go to a yard sale while grounded...:glare: Please pardon me if I've not been clear!) Edited June 2, 2009 by Twinmom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Rose, I haven't adopted yet, but I did complete many hours of seminars and training, and countless books... so this is where this idea is coming from, and not from my personal experience! ;) Your soon-to-be 13 yr old is at the prime age of doing his identity work. If he was adopted, then he is struggling with who he is, where he fits into your family, where he fits into the world. He is trying to put roots down, but he feels pulled in different directions and is confused. Do you have a life book for him? If not, could you start one? If you do, it's probably time to give it to him, let him pour over it, add a new page with him, answer any questions, help him research anything that he is wondering about (if appropriate.) The more he knows (that he is able to handle) the better studies show that he can come to terms with his identity. Most teens go through this "identity crisis" but it is typically more complicated with adoptees. Try to be unwavering in your love for him. You can dissapprove of his actions, provide firm boundries, but let him know you never stop loving him. Ever. You are his home base. He may mentally wander about, searching for who he is, but if he feels loved by you, then he will mentally return, and all the better once his identity work is done. I read a great book on identity work, but I can't recall it's title, I'll see if I can find it somewhere... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted June 2, 2009 Author Share Posted June 2, 2009 From one adoptive mom to another: please, try your best not to do your child the disservice of lightening up on discipline because you have compassion for their birth history! (Not to say this is what you are doing, just that I recognize and share the temptation...;)) My kiddos have some special needs related to their birth histories and I often find myself wanting to cut them some slack as a result. It IS appropriate in some situations but not in others...I have to pick my moments. For example, my DD suffers from anxiety, so I cut her some slack on her math. I don't, however, cut her any slack on her backtalk! :D Basically, I believe that though their backgrounds are worthy of my compassion (and I certainly offer it), it's my duty as a mom to treat them as normally as possible where discipline is concerned. I think that kids who are adopted need to feel as normal as possible in all areas...not pitied, but expected to work to their potential. It's okay to accomodate their special needs but not to make them feel "different" or "damaged" in some way by not treating them as you would a birth child. I think my kids deserve as normal a life as possible and that includes normal discipline. That said, only you know if this applies to you! Compassion is great and a gentle touch is wonderful. I'd just advise you to guard against the pity that naturally comes when you have kiddos who have been hurt...I think it's easy to hurt them again (though obviously not in the same way! ;)) by spoiling them out of love. Love 'em enough to set limits...I guess that would probably be the best way to summarize what I'm trying to say! :D (...written as I take multiple breaks to discipline said DD, who is currently attempting a coup in order to gain permission to go to a yard sale while grounded...:glare: Please pardon me if I've not been clear!) It is so hard to keep that balance but of course you're absolutely right. I don't think I consciously pity them and in fact, until my sister pointed it out to me today, I would not have thought I did at all. But obviously to some degree I do or maybe this is just a challenge in my own personality that would have manifested itself in biological or non-biological parenting. Either way, I am now aware of it and I do not want to do my kids any disservice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted June 2, 2009 Author Share Posted June 2, 2009 Rose, I haven't adopted yet, but I did complete many hours of seminars and training, and countless books... so this is where this idea is coming from, and not from my personal experience! ;) Your soon-to-be 13 yr old is at the prime age of doing his identity work. If he was adopted, then he is struggling with who he is, where he fits into your family, where he fits into the world. He is trying to put roots down, but he feels pulled in different directions and is confused. Do you have a life book for him? If not, could you start one? If you do, it's probably time to give it to him, let him pour over it, add a new page with him, answer any questions, help him research anything that he is wondering about (if appropriate.) The more he knows (that he is able to handle) the better studies show that he can come to terms with his identity. Most teens go through this "identity crisis" but it is typically more complicated with adoptees. Try to be unwavering in your love for him. You can dissapprove of his actions, provide firm boundries, but let him know you never stop loving him. Ever. You are his home base. He may mentally wander about, searching for who he is, but if he feels loved by you, then he will mentally return, and all the better once his identity work is done. I read a great book on identity work, but I can't recall it's title, I'll see if I can find it somewhere... :grouphug: My dd (same age) has already gone through this a few years back. We are very open about adoption and provide any information, as appropriate, that we know. In fact, one of our adoptions is an open adoption. We are very forthright with information and support. We are also unwavering in our love for our kids. From the day we took them home we have told them that we are their forever family through the good and the bad. There is no doubt of our love for them. We are open and demonstrative in this. Of course that's not minimize the searching that each of our children have and will do to find their place in this world and I do realize each age will bring uniqueness to this situation. Thank you for this reminder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 It is so hard to keep that balance but of course you're absolutely right. I don't think I consciously pity them and in fact, until my sister pointed it out to me today, I would not have thought I did at all. But obviously to some degree I do or maybe this is just a challenge in my own personality that would have manifested itself in biological or non-biological parenting. Either way, I am now aware of it and I do not want to do my kids any disservice. I'm sure you do better than you think you do, so don't beat yourself up about it! I think it's one of the absolute hardest things about adoptive parenting...to strike just the right balance on compassion vs. discipline. I far more frequently fail than I do succeed at it! Personally, I'd rather err on the side of being overly compassionate than overly punitive...today, however, I think I managed to make both errors! :glare: Having special needs kiddos complicates things even further... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 My kids are not adopted but now my youngest, the baby is 13, he needs far more discipline than ever, and he still cant stand me to be upset with him. Last night he kept following me around instead of going to bed. It was late, he needs sleep, and I was getting annoyed. But then he wasn't sure if I was really annoyed or just pretending to be annoyed and he had to wait till I told him I loved him before he would go to bed! This kid still sits on my lap and holds my hand in public, but wants equal adult rights in the house and as little responsibility as possible, thankyou very much, because after all, hes still a kid, and the youngest at that! At the chiro yesterday he wrote on the form in the section "past traumas" yes, I am unloved. He cracks me up all the time, yet he is soooooo annoying several times a day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 He cracks me up all the time, yet he is soooooo annoying several times a day! It's amazing that the same kid that can make my head pop off, makes me laugh a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sagira Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Today is one of those days. I'm dealing with my soon to be 13 yr ds who suddenly thinks he's 42 and can do what he wants. My ds feels like this sometimes and he's only five! He says he'll be the adult and I do what he says :001_huh: All this just to say each stage of parenting sure has it's challenges and sometimes I wish they came with an instruction manual! I feel this way sometimes. But I suspect it would take much or all the unfolding, joy, surprise and wonder out of parenting. Hang in there :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 (edited) The problem is I'm good at meeting the emotional needs and not so good with being an enforcer of the boundaries but I know there's hope for me. After all isn't the first step to progress recognizing the problem. :) I got a lot of great advice here when I asked about my newly- turned 15 yr old. I have to say that once I got a backbone with him, it changed his attitude. He was always a gentle and kind child, but he was starting to get argumentative over what seemed like nothing. He was sure he was being singled out to be wronged. My other kids are very easygoing...and that worked with my personality; this was new territory for me. The child is simply more intense about everything. Ok, ok, my point: He needs everything sparkling clear. No ambiquity at all. With my absolute clarity and my unwillingness to engage in ridiculous arguments with him, his emotional needs are better met. I do have a child who was adopted, but that child is very easy-going, but IKWYM about not wanting the kids to ever be upset. But that's not realistic, and I've decided a completley unhealthy goal. My kid has not had one melt down since-- oh, he's started, but my refusal to engage in any battle calms him. We can then actually communicate. Edited June 3, 2009 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 I got a lot of great advice here when I asked about my newly- turned 15 yr old. I have to say that once I got a backbone with him, it changed his attitude. He was always a gentle and kind child, but he was starting to get argumentative over what seemed like nothing. He was sure he was being singled out to be wronged. My other kids are very easygoing...and that worked with my personality; this was new territory for me. The child is simply more intense about everything. Ok, ok, my point: He needs everything sparkling clear. No ambiquity at all. With my absolute clarity and my unwillingness to engage in ridiculous arguments with him, his emotional needs are better met. I do have a child who was adopted, but that child is very easy-going, but IKWYM about not wanting the kids to ever be upset. But that's not realistic, and I've decided a completley unhealthy goal. My kid has not had one melt down since-- oh, he's started, but my refusal to engage in any battle calms him. We can then actually communicate. I know it's not all about being adopted because my other two are adopted as well. I think your line that this child is more intense about everything is a good descriptive of my son (actually both my boys in different ways). One problem I have with this particular boy is that he views rules as suggestions. Which means I'm always correcting everything because he only kind of follows the rules. This has always been the case for him. I think your reminder that I be crystal clear about my expectations and the consequences and then always follow through, is completely necessary. And not engaging . . . well that definitely is a problem I have. I am going to work hard on this. I'm very happy to hear your success story. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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