Jean in Newcastle Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 Our neighbor next door is a beautiful 5 year old girl with a budding mean girl streak. I just found out that she tells my dd7 when she is over that dd has to play in her garage only (the yard is apparently only for the neighbor girl).:glare: Also when the two other neighbor girls come over, she tells dd that she doesn't want to play with her anymore and only wants to play with the older of the other girls (the younger one gets left out with my dd). Her dad has corrected her on occasion but as far as I can see (I know, I know, they might do more behind the scenes) - a verbal "let's be nice" is all the correction that she gets. I want to go over there and talk to the mom or dad in a friendly "let's nip this in the bud" sort of way. Here is my mental transcript of what I want to say. Can you give me feedback? "My kids have been telling me that there are some problems when the girls play. I'd like to help both H (my dd) and E (neighbor girl) to be able to play nicely. Specifically I've been told that E has told H that H can only play in your garage when she comes over. And yesterday when A and L (other neighbor girls) came over, E told H that she didn't want to play with her anymore and would only play with L. I know that I've been lax on supervising their play over in our yard and I'll keep a better eye on them when their over here. But I wanted to give you a head's up so that we could teach the girls to play nicely together." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Georgie Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 Does your daughter enjoy playing with this girl? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa R. Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 that it's possible that you dd may have contributed to the tension in some way. Really, between you and me, this may be unlikely, but it is a possibility. In my experience, whenever a parent is confronted about something that goes on between kids that was not witnessed by an adult, it's always important to tread cautiously. Also, by saying that your child is not perfect either makes it sounds less like you're accusing their child. It can take away the defensiveness that even a good parent can naturally feel. I would add, "I hope that my dd has not said or done anything that has caused friction in this relationship. If she has, I hope you'd let me know. I know she's not perfect, and in the past I've had to encourage her to speak kindly, too." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 Maybe you could encourage them to play at your house for a bit to get a closer eye on the interaction first? That alone might nip in it in the bud... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 I have never found it a good idea for me to talk to other parents about their kids' bad behavior. If I were in your situation, I would not let my daughter go back over there. That is not how real friends treat each other. If the little girl wants to play with your daughter, she can do it at your house, and follow your rules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claire+3 Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 Sorry, but I have to agree with Amy G. We have a major mean girl neighbor situation and we did confront the parents, almost exactly as you phrased. Their response: "Don't you think you're being a little overprotective? It sounds like to me they are just being girls." Now this has furthered our stigma in the neighborhood as that "weird family that homeschools" and whose kids live in a bubble. They will hardly even acknowledge us anymore when we wave or walk by. If I had it to do over again I would reinforce the idea with my dd that not every family has the same rules as ours and try to encourage the playing at our house only, so I or DH could keep an eye on things. That's just my opinion. Maybe you will have better luck that we did. This is just one of the many challenges that come with choosing to live a different kind of life. Good luck. Claire Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KJB Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 I also agree with amy g, but I'd like to add that I think this is a great opportunity for you to empower your daughter to help herself in situations like these. I would role play with dd and give her some responses to the other little girl. Remember, also, the other girl is only 5. Little girls that age can be bossy just because they're 5 and not because they're necessarily mean. Your daughter has two years maturity on the other girl and should be able to let the other girl know that her behavior isn't OK. If your daughter is feeling left out, she should say so and leave if necessary. Instead, your dd is giving the other little girl all the power. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkpan Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 I also agree with amy g, but I'd like to add that I think this is a great opportunity for you to empower your daughter to help herself in situations like these. I would role play with dd and give her some responses to the other little girl. Remember, also, the other girl is only 5. Little girls that age can be bossy just because they're 5 and not because they're necessarily mean. Your daughter has two years maturity on the other girl and should be able to let the other girl know that her behavior isn't OK. If your daughter is feeling left out, she should say so and leave if necessary. Instead, your dd is giving the other little girl all the power. :iagree: No way would I involve the little girls parents in this. I would simply encourage my dd to rise above this, as it will not be the last time she will encounter unkindness from other children. I tell my dc that we cannot control how others treat us, but we can control our reactions and how we treat them. Use it as a teaching opportunity! HTH Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherLynn Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 I agree with what they said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyR Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 The last time I spoke to my best friend about her dd's meanness towards my dd was literally the last time she spoke to me - 7 years ago. Of course she felt it was my dd who had caused the problem - even though my best friend was not anywhere near the girls to witness her dd's behavior. Another woman witnessed the situation and has apologized to me several times over the years for not sticking up for me and telling the truth to my ex-best friend because she is afraid of the repercussions. I don't think I'll ever do that again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferdie Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 I have never found it a good idea for me to talk to other parents about their kids' bad behavior. If I were in your situation, I would not let my daughter go back over there. That is not how real friends treat each other. If the little girl wants to play with your daughter, she can do it at your house, and follow your rules. :iagree: Next door neighbors = keep the peace, (when possible). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelanieM Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 We have some different aged kids here in the neighbourhood, and this is something that has been coming up regularly. It is not uncommon for one of the kids to attempt to exclude some other child(ren) for any manner of reasons - he's a boy, she's under 7, etc. These 'rules' are completely arbitrary, and from what I've seen, my own kids are not blame-proof in this either. (I do step in when I see this type of thing, regardless of who is instigating.) Any time they bring me a story like this I have to ask lots of questions to get background on what exactly went on, rather than assume the first piece of information I get is the full picture. ( All this to say, have you seen these exchanges yourself, or are you going by what the kids are telling you? I don't mean to suggest that your daughter would purposely misrepresent the situation, but I do think it's important to have first hand information before bringing this up with the other parents. If you do decide to talk to the other parents, I would make it as generic as possible and try to not make it sound like this is something you're criticizing about their child. So for example, you could say you'd like to work with the kids on being inclusive and having 'open to all' play rules, without calling out their kid for doing something other than that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 I think that if a child is old enough to go play at someone else's house, they are old enough to fight their own battles, or learn to walk away (there always extreme exceptions - obviously). We have had many interactions with parents over the years, and I agree that you shouldn't comment to the parents about their kids behaviors unless they ask you first. Teach and practice a few rebuttals to dd. Teach her to walk away from the situation or deal with it. We have had a few times with dd that she stopped playing with certain friends for a while (kids who she was bffs with at the time) just because they weren't getting along. When/if the parent called and asked what was going on, I would tell them honestly what the situation was, usually learning a few things about my kid along the way. Breaks have lasted anywhere from a few weeks to almost a year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 I have never found it a good idea for me to talk to other parents about their kids' bad behavior. If I were in your situation, I would not let my daughter go back over there. That is not how real friends treat each other. If the little girl wants to play with your daughter, she can do it at your house, and follow your rules. Dits Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 30, 2009 Author Share Posted May 30, 2009 OK, OK! I'll hold off on talking to them - perhaps forever. My first instinct in talking to dd7 and ds11 who both came to me with their concerns was to listen and provide some sympathetic tips for dealing with the situation. * not returning rudeness for rudeness. * sticking up for herself and the other girls but without a mean tone. * leaving. * telling me or the other parent if things got really out of hand. * playing here. Then, the Mama Bear in me started to wake up and I started to think about talking to the other parents. Bad idea, huh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 I also agree with amy g, but I'd like to add that I think this is a great opportunity for you to empower your daughter to help herself in situations like these. I would role play with dd and give her some responses to the other little girl. Remember, also, the other girl is only 5. Little girls that age can be bossy just because they're 5 and not because they're necessarily mean. Your daughter has two years maturity on the other girl and should be able to let the other girl know that her behavior isn't OK. If your daughter is feeling left out, she should say so and leave if necessary. Instead, your dd is giving the other little girl all the power. :iagree: I'd encourage your daughter to assert herself and say, "I don't have to stay in the garage. I can play on the lawn." And if the other girl continues to be mean, your dd should say, "If you're going to be mean, I'm not going to play with you." And go home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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