It sounds (?) like you don't understand the reasoning, or maybe don't agree with the relative risk calculation, that your SIL is making about masking and proximity in different environments. It might very well be the case that SIL is similarly confused about, or maybe doesn't agree with, your relative risk assessment re pediatric vaccine, which looks likely to be available by the time of the visit. You can't read her mind (for all you know, someone in the family may have an immunocompromising condition that they're not ready to discuss, for example.) But she can't see inside your head either (forex to hear the reasoning of your husband, that makes you more vaccine-cautious than many). She may well feel as confused/frustrated about your perspective on vaccination, as you do about her perspective on masking & proximity in different types of environments. Of course it's disappointing to not get together... but from her POV her risk balance is (obviously!) just as reasonable to her, as your POV about your risk balance is to you. [Neither of you are "antisocial anxiety-driven" monsters. #NotHelpful ] These are hard times. Navigating these conversations is hard. The scope for misunderstanding and hurt is great. Everyone's just muddling through a lot of uncertainty and weariness as best we can. This time next year, by the grace of God.

At nearly all Jewish weddings I've attended, even very observant/conservative ones, the custom seems to be that both sets of parents accompany both groom and bride -- groom & parents first (kisses all around), then attendants, then music change, then bride and parents (kisses all around), then proceedings start. The idea is that one generation is kind of launching their offspring into the formation of a new household (an idea that is reinforced by the symbolism of the chuppah and other bits of ceremony). Which to me is lovely. No "who gives this woman" language (though there are plenty *other* residual bits of lingering patriarchy... just not that particular bit, LOL) I concur with pp that if bits of wedding tradition land uneasily, couples should alter, or just ditch, them without another thought. There were bits of widely cherished Jewish custom that landed uneasily with me (ie the husband stomping on the glass). So we didn't do it. Doubtless some guests missed that moment, or wondered about it, or projected some complicated feminazi story, or whatever. Shrug.

I truly don't mean to laugh at your misfortune, @Granny_Weatherwax ... but I may be able to top your story. My mom, a teacher, was away for a week at a summer teacher development conference when I, age 11, first had an urgent need for supplies. As I CERTAINLY was not going to discuss the matter with my father, a man... I went rifling in my own mother's bathroom. And found tampons. I then retreated with the box to my bathroom -- which I shared with my brother, then a 6 year old boy, for a close reading of the instructions. The instructions were... opaque. Oh my word how I wish I had saved them. The centerpiece of the instructions was a one-legged figure, shown in profile, standing on her (?) single leg in a slight crouch, with a Very Enormous hollow... cavity... where the single leg joined the torso. Into which, the diagram suggested... opaquely, with dotted lines, an arrow, and a disembodied single hand... the tampon was meant to go. I studied this carefully. It didn't seem plausible. Certainly, the parts on the diagram did not correspond, at all, with the parts I had to work with. I struggled. Mightily. My brother knocked, I barked at him to use the other bathroom, I struggled further. But what was I going to do? My mother was not due to return for FOUR DAYS. The cell phone had not yet been invented. I managed, poorly on the first go, better on the second go, and etc. By the time my mother returned, I was managing fine. I told her. She visibly blanched; she had not expected this, so soon. However, she was (and remains) a planner; and she brought me to a rarely-used drawer in a never-used-by-me linen closet, and presented to me.... the pads. With the belt. Which -- I dunno if this was true of your belt, my belt was in the 1970s -- had METAL BUCKLES. I blinked. I believe I literally said, "how are those... better than tampons??" She blanched. And said, embarrassed but powering through the moment nonetheless, "tampons are... really meant for older girls, honey." "WHY?" (See, she'd taught me, always ask why... which, then as now, in every generation, ALWAYS comes back to bite the mothers...) She had a reason, sort of -- years later, when I told this story in her presence, tears of laughter rolling down my face, she revealed that HER mother had had some notion about intact hymen or something -- but even in the moment, she was unable to get the words out. And so tampons it was, and we all lived Happily Ever After.

Pesto pasta (w frozen pesto and dry pasta or pre-made tortellini) Rice & beans & jarred salsa (if I have leftover rice) Omelettes (with crumbled queso & leftover/canned black beans) hack quesadillas (with pre-shredded jack cheese and leftover chicken bits) Grilled cheese sandwiches (when I'm feeling Jane the Virgin energy...) Tuna melts Spanish tortilla (more like a frittatta with potato than Central American tortillas) Some of these are happily accepted by my vegetarian kid but not husband; others by my husband but don't work for her. I will also repurpose leftovers into various vaguely "new" dishes (fried rice, rice bowl, shakshouka, egg casserole, etc), or just put leftovers out with a canned chicken or tuna salad and some nice fresh bread or (made out of nearly-stale bread) bruschetta. Anything can be dinner so long as there's some bread and a fresh salad IMO.

Awwwwww congratulations to you and @TravelingChris both. So looking forward to that stage of life myself.

Yeah, we once had the experience where both my FIL (in NYC) and my father (in western MA) were in rehab facilities for an extended interval of time, at the same exact time. Where my father was, there were sunporches and interior courtyards that patients could wheel themselves into/or be wheeled at the end of every hallway; and if we signed him out we could wheel him on a (very short and very flat and very boring) outdoor circuit. Where my father-in-law was, he had no access to fresh air or sunlight at all for the entire duration he was there. And there were so many differences that fell out of that. With my father, the whole put-on-extra-fleece, get-feet-in-slippers, find-sunglasses, wheel to the signout desk, go out onto the track routine -- which took a good 20 minutes all in- was a set of rituals he so looked forward to. If he had several visitors, we could all sit on normal chairs (instead of the one stool and one chair, and others sort of standing around, in his room). I could bring my dog, who brought him immense joy, to the outdoors places. Whereas my poor father-in-law just visibly declined, until we got him out. The good news is, once out (and moving, and getting out again) he has *really* rebounded and is doing terrifically these days. God willing your parents may as well.

** loved an update ** I'm so glad you went, and took the time you and they and your other relatives needed to get them resettled. And SO glad to "see" you back and get the all-things-considered moving-in-the-right-direction update. ** loved an elevator installation ** and loving the image of your parents sunning on the roof.

Good to hear on all fronts. Hope tomorrow is even better and DIL's dad gets home.

THIS IS GENIUS. Thank you!

Hoping your symptoms will be mild and your recovery rapid and full. And that DIL's dad soon comes out to the better side of purgatory.

re targeted taxation to cool down the very-high-end, internationally-inflated end of the housing market Agreed. The foreign-money-fueled, and glittery-multimillion-pricetag distortion of markets that I've seen that seems to be most desperately squeezing out normal-sized and normally-equipped housing is concentrated in and around a small handful of urban areas (NYC, Miami, LA, San Francisco etc), with the properties either standing mostly-vacant (there are entire very-luxe buildings in Miami that are eerily empty, serving essentially as gold bullion under a tax-advantaged mattress for Russian & Latin American gazillionaires), or under medium-term rental contracts to untraceable LLC owners. There are ways to target the latter without unduly affecting the former, if the will were there. I believe (?) Canada's double-tax foreign purchasers is limited to particular cities (Toronto, Vancouver) that have experienced overheating / crowding out normal residential housing, rather than across the board. Dunno re differences for 1st vs 2nd/3rd homes or square footage or other public policy parameters.

Either of these provisions would go a yuge way, over the long term, toward shifting the market -- actually, multiple markets, construction of new housing and rental markets as well as resale of existing stock - towards more normal-sized housing, toward families who own just-one house, and towards American residents rather than international buyers looking to park assets in multimillion gold-plated apartments and McMansions. But there'd be as many losers as winners; and among the biggest losers in the short term would be the biggest real estate interests; and so it's extremely unlikely to happen. Citizens United, folks.

I'm so sorry, Scarlett.

Every location I've ever sold a house in has a regular season -- in good-school suburbs, there's a lot of turnover during the summer as families time the moves so as to coincide with the end- and start- of the school year; in places near coasts or lakes or other summer activities, there's a lot of turnover in spring (folks wanting the beach house for the season) and a smaller blip at end-season (bc owners who can afford to hang on for one last wistful season do); and very little movement over Nov-Jan (because who wants to keep their house clean, over the holidays, to show it). So in my current area, which is very much a come-for-the-schools area, this is an ordinarily slow season. And we're past the initial surge of New Yorkers flocking out because the city was eerily COVID weird. But it's still pretty strong -- a fever of 103 vs 102 is a good way to put it -- because a lot of New York employers have learned that a lot of their workforce can actually accomplish a lot of their work remotely, either full time or 2-4 days a week; so the tradeoffs of living out here (even if still going in a couple days a week) is very different.

No. I mean, give it a go, and get as much out as you can, and etc. But dragging couch outside on a very hot day and leaving it in full sun for many many hours was what got the job done around here. ETA ps you can rent good steam cleaners from Taylor Rental type places, and they're not hard to use.

You've gotten really, really good feedback already. Joy, connection, fun things to do > "purpose." She has value, and her life has value, because she is human, not because of her purpose or productivity. I would only concur with several pp that is **perilously close** to suicidal ideation. It's mighty hard to hear that from your kid, and easy to discount it or attribute it to mood or age or angst or hormones. And god willing that's what it is. But please don't assume that's all it is. Speaking from the heart here. (( SKL )) and (( SKL's daughter )) . Holding you both in the light.

I feel like an outlier on this thread. We just had our 30th anniversary, and we knew each other (with fits & starts in the relationship, LOL) for 10 years before we got married. We were late 20s by the time we did get married, which was right in the mix of when our same-age friends from college / grad school (me) / law school (him) got married. And of that clump, virtually ALL of those marriages have also sustained for the same ~30 years. So we know a LOT of folks married just about the same length of time as we have been. Of our college/grad & law school friends, there have been a total of 2 divorces, which is beating the national odds. Of our friends in town and from other walks of life, there are more who are divorced /single or on second marriages; and also who married earlier than we did. Our eldest is 26 and in a relationship looks purposefully headed toward closing the matrimonial deal in the same general late 20s timeframe (and his parents) did. I can't really see the younger ones pairing off much before that either, though who knows. (I've advised them all to defer having children until after they've finished whatever education they want to pursue, but -- shocker -- they do not always heed all of my advice!)

re vulnerability in even trying to engage in a substantive way Oh gracious, I do too. More so in IRL discussions than in online ones -- it's vastly more mortifying to realize I've stuck my foot in my mouth or inadvertently hurt an actual breathing person before my eyes. And this by-now-classic insight also helps... But there are also so many ways in which going to the "hard" places is easier within IRL contexts. At the barest minimum in the most random encounters (forex, a person I've just met for the first time at a one-off library discussion) there are facial cues, body postures, nodding, affirming sounds to help us over the rough spots. Within more organized contexts (forex, interfaith group, civic organization, other common purpose) there is usually a stability of who's in the group and some sore of common purpose that holds us together across divergent viewpoints of what that looks like. The circle of participants are naturally "bounded" by virtue of being physically together, without the constant parade of new people popping in 3 pages into a "discussion" that inevitably happens online. Also, most people use substantially better manners IRL than over the interwebs. But the interwebs have obvious advantages too, and here we are. And there certainly is a vulnerability in putting oneself out there too. It's a dangerous business, OS, going out the door. re in part because there be trolls, out there Well, right. I wasn't entirely sure that was the case at the outset, and I do think it's important to TRY. But I think we got there. So, OK. Live and learn. Keep that insight in mind for the next round. There always is a next round.

Not the full Commission, only the subset of 4 members aligned with the party drivng the CRT brouhaha, right? And the opening line of their letter is right?

re : until we have a "common understanding" about what CRT is and is not... this conversation will continue to drift Agreed. The difficulty is, that seems to be precisely the point. The effect of "drift" is to gut history and in so doing take any possibility of that healthy debate off the table. The effect of the "drift" is impasse, polarization, confusion, exhaustion. In the immediate aftermath of simultaneously sweeping-and-vague statewide legislative bans that actually *do* excise content that might cause student "distress" and of specific content lists that excise Ruby Bridges, Tulsa Massacre and Letter from Birmingham Jail from the classroom. That sprung up whole, and remarkably similar in 15+ states, within a single legislative cycle, of Rufo's clarion call and its rapid amplification by the then-sitting POTUS. Down with 1619, hoist the 1776 flag. And it's not confusion about the language, so much as derailment with a purpose. Much as opponents of feminism re-framed that term to mean man-hating bra-burning zealots who demanded *all* women insert IUDs/ have hundreds of sexual partners/ sacrifice children to career. Much as opponents of universal healthcare re-framed that term to mean communist advocating death panels who wanted Granny dead. Much as opponents of BLM re-framed that term to mean Only black lives matter. The folks best able to articulate what a framework is or isn't, are not those vested in shutting it down. It's people who *adhere* to that framework: This is a ten minute video, and CRT is more than a clip that length can contain. But it contains a very specific historical FACT (starts 3:50 to about 5:00) that exemplifies structures -- how black Americans utilizing GI Bill funds were limited by a specific clause from purchasing same-size same-price homes in certain geographic areas. And she traces the direct legacy effect that has had on accrued wealth in the intervening decades, as property values in the then-white neighborhoods have increased ~8x more than they have in then-black neighborhoods. One small contained example that shows race-based difference resulting from long-rescinded legislative language that had, and continues to have, ongoing legacy effects. An example sufficiently concrete and bounded that 11th graders in an APUSH could grasp it. The one example isn't, alone, "CRT," which is -- as she, an adherent of CRT, describes -- a lens of analysis, not merely a dump of historical facts. But the language in the legislative bans would ban the facts themselves, if covering the facts themselves might evoke "distress." What makes it hard Maybe. But to my mind, even before we can get to the vulnerability of holding the thought that maybe what I see, is limited by where I stand... discussion of these things requires us simultaneously to thicken the skin, soften the language, and ignore the noise. To not-take-reflexive-and-furious defense. To dial back the snark impulse. To not-taking every bit of bait. To refrain from snipe-and-run responses. To not-get-derailed into side issues and return again to the core thread of the main discussion. It's hard and I definitely do not always manage it IRL; it's harder yet on the interwebs where our language is read without the beneficial context of facial & body language cues / murmuring sounds. And also the interwebs are filled with folks who delight in stirring the pot / derailing discussions. That makes it harder too.

Sexual assault, by anyone of anyone, is BAD. What does this (troubling) story have to do with ANYONE's definition of "Critical Race Theory"? Even its most triggered/ defensive/ panicked opponents of any texts associated with any discussion of Race in classrooms? Genuinely asking, because it certainly APPEARS that linking this (troubling) incident about sexual assault to CRT is Rufo in Action. Also super-curious about what this bit from the linked article quote is about: What... does that purport to mean? (I hear and understand the associative smear. And God knows I understand how that particular associative smear functions. But what literally is the allegation? That prosecutor offices around the country have specially funded positions paid for not through tax funds but rather through outside programs by shady cabals operating in the darkness? And that Soros is hand-selecting particular attorneys to conduct work on behalf of the cabal?

I haven't seen it, but @Sneezyone was speaking well of it a few days ago. I'm not actually familiar with the original, so I have work ahead, LOL.

(Sadly) I don't there really are any *no brainer* fixes to really *any* of our big problems -- they are messy and complicated and full of competing interests and in many cases state level legislation. In CT, for example, public schools are funded almost entirely with town-level property taxes, and there is a state-level "home rule" legislation that provides for this. And believe you me, richer towns (including my own) want Very Much to keep it that way. And would throw every kind of resource to fight federal legislation that attempted to dislodge the current system. So while I agree with you that in principle, if we were starting from a clean sheet of paper, there's a "simple" fix... we are not starting from a clean sheet of paper. We never are.

Absolutely. Funding matters a LOT, though. (we don't do the state-allocation thing here, we have "home rule" which means rich towns fund their own schools and cities... fend for themselves) and this understates the difference by an order of magnitude, as the rich towns have 501c3 parent organizations that fund entire (union) teacher salaries, entire computer labs, entire arts programs off-budget

I have a Singaporean sister-in-law, and she and my brother moved here a few years ago with 3 school-aged kids. She was *shocked* to learn that they really had to choose where they lived based on the schools. In Singapore, the funding is centralized and each school gets the same amount per student (aside from special funds for special needs and so on). The *curriculum* is also (more or less, there are schools with different language of instruction and some other tweaks) the same across schools (Singapore Math for All!), which would be a pretty hard sell here in the US.