Look at Betty Crocker Cooking Basics. If it's the one I'm thinking of, it includes techniques and lots of illustrations, and is spiral-bound to lie flat on the counter.

Thanks so much for the suggestions! I'll look up the videos you mention. Yes, this is a hunter/jumper barn. All that I can find locally are, but people suggesting there may be smaller, less-publicized options are probably right. I'll try to find out. It's not even that I object to the h/j aspect, really. I could see letting dd move toward that eventually, if she maintains her interest. It's just that she hasn't even been riding a whole year yet. Shehas so much to learn. And the attitude at the barn seems to be that the kids who are on the show team, and have their own horses, get the attention. They get time during lessons to ride, while she's in the middle of the ring watching them. She's told to practice counting their strides. Now obviously she rides some, more some weeks than others, but much less if the showing kids are around. And they're happy to talk with us about joining the show team. But my gosh, the costs!!! And I just don't think that makes sense for her at her present level, but she's getting the idea that "this is what you do." She thinks I'm not taking her interest seriously because I'm hesitant about this sort of involvement at this time. Because what she sees are kids owning horses and entering them in shows that cost $100+/class, plus all kinds of extras. They do have her groom, tack up, clean her tack, etc., but when she has trouble managing a horse, she feels self-conscious asking for more instruction. The expectation is that after the initial instruction, she should be able to do it. The "working student" idea sounds very much like what I used to do when I was her age. That stable offered reduced tuition for help over the summer around the barn. I guess if I'd continued I might be in a better position to help her. When I mentioned that possibility to her, she said "but the students don't have to clean the stalls, mom! They board their horses, and the stable hires people for that!" She just doesn't see that being done by kids as part of the whole horse-ownership deal, and that bugs me as much as the emphasis on showing. Anyway, thanks to all who replied. I appreciate your ideas.

Thanks, guys. I'll ask around about "working student" options. I appreciate the information.

No answers, but I am so sorry for what your father and your family are experiencing. How awful. It shouldn't be this way.

No friends who own horses, no. There is someone a couple of miles away, but I've never felt comfortable just knocking on the door of a stranger and saying "could you introduce us to your horses?" ;-) And, also, I don't know them, and I'd want to before sending dd over. But I have often wished I did know them.

If you did not grow up with parents who had horses, how did you learn about horses yourself? What would you recommend for tweens or teens who are interested? Our current situation involves weekly group lessons, but I'm not crazy about the stable. It seems to derive more income from boarding than from lessons, and most of the kids in lessons own (and board) their own horses. The stable heavily pushes involvement in very expensive shows, which I'm not certain I really want dd getting involved in. After talking to local horse people, there don't seem to be other stables which are very good alternatives. They are all very focused on these shows. It's been many years since my own riding days, but I remember a greater emphasis on horsemanship beyond just riding. We had shows, yes, but they were school shows, with low entry fees and relatively informal dress. We were encouraged to hang around the barn and help out and learn during the summer. This stable does have a one-week summer camp, in which dd will participate, but it still doesn't sound like it involves much actual horse care: mainly riding and swimming. So... Has horse culture changed since the '80s? Is there generally more emphasis on expensive shows, or is this a local thing? And, how do kids learn to care for their horses? I'm not opposed to letting dd get more involved with horses if her interest continues, but I am scared of everything to do with owning a horse right now. I do not know enough, and I'm not sure we have deep enough pockets. And I just don't really like what I think I'm seeing: lessons focused on riding but not on broader horsemanship, and a goal of horse ownership and heavy competition in expensive shows. Shouldn't there be another component of actually *learning about* horses? How does that happen? And, btw, dd is already in the only 4-H horse option locally, but it is very limited and really can't teach much. Think 2 hours/month involvement, 6 months/year, ages 5- 16. Anyway, I'd be grateful for any advice you can give.

Ummm. Time to go see if any boxes of books are in the attic. I'm seriously going to have to get rid of some things over the summer.

Ouch. Back pain is a compelling argument for culling.

Well, for us, we've got a standard ranch house on a crawl space, roughly fifty years old, probably average construction quality. I have no real reason to think there's a problem, but we do have a *lot* of books. The worry just lurks in the back of my mind a bit. Eta: 1st floor here, concentrated around the outside of a few rooms.

Does anyone else ever worry that the collective weight of their home library might actually endanger the structural stability of their house? Laughing here, as I try to sort and organize at the end of the school year, but also wishing I could add on a purpose-built library.

Some years back, my elderly mother's cat needed bloodwork, and I was shocked at what the vet said it cost. I found out exactly what was needed, went home, and called every vet in the area asking for a quote. Some gave us a price, others refused. Most were pretty high (and, to be fair, I know bloodwork does get expensive). But we did find one place that was lower than the rest. It's in a decidedly less ritzy part of town. We tried them out and have been consistently impressed over a period of years now. They are kind, responsible, and clearly have the animals' best interests at heart. Vet care is still expensive. It just is. These days it's possible to do so much for animals, and as responsible pet owners we want to do it. But you may find, as we did, that there are different vets catering to different markets in your area. You don't need to go to Trickie-Woo's Spa and Pet Resort if Dr. Goodvet out in the county is available.

Huge hugs. I went through something similar when my father died. He had practiced internal medicine for many decades, going back to the 1960s and 1970s. He had answered the phone in the middle of the night, met his patients at the emergency room when they needed to go in, and made house calls to the folks who needed them. He cared for them in the office, in the hospital, and at home, over decades, and he knew them and understood what they needed. When he needed care, we couldn't begin to match the care he had provided. The only way we could begin to approach it was through his few remaining personal connections within the local medical community. He was both rueful and philosophical about the situation. He said that, as a society, we've opted to provide fantastic specialist care, which no one could have envisioned when he trained in the '50s, instead of generalist care that follows the patient the way he did. He was enthralled and delighted by the procedures which are now possible, and depressed that he couldn't see his own doctor in the hospital. He really hated the idea of hospitalists who lack a long familiarity with their patients. I'm sure there are others who can comment more knowledgeably on why things are the way they are now, but surely insurance and liability play big roles, as well as drug companies. There is so much money in the system, and so little knowledge of the patients as individual people. I wish I had more help to offer. It's so hard to witness. I'll be thinking of you and your father and wishing you both comfort and peace.

Listening in with interest. HFA is part of the equation for us too, for my younger girl. I've been both glad to find something the girls can have fun with together and a bit leery of anyone getting too caught up and focused on this.

That's good. Glad they can tell.

That's awful. Not liking it, just because it's awful. I'm glad that in this case it was clear who was causing the trouble and you could get him removed. One thing this situation has made me wonder about is how we'd ever figure out who was responsible if we were on a server with others.

Okay, thanks, I appreciate this information. She was on the pocket edition, and she had been playing with TNT. Maybe that's the answer (and one that makes me much happier than suspecting dd11, who had seemed genuinely upset for her sister). Who knew this game would get so complicated? And I know they've only just gotten started. ;-) Many thanks, not just to the boardies, but also to their kids who have offered suggestions. I appreciate the ideas!

Lol, I'm afraid I actually understand these terms now! She was in creative mode, so no creepers. And since my two kids had been "visiting" each other and playing together, it was in multiplayer. Thanks for the ideas! It sounds like, given that we have a password on the router and are not on a shared server, this probably wasn't other kids hacking, I guess.

Yes, there's a password. Thanks.

Okay, thanks. As far as I know no one else should have access, but this is where my limited knowledge is a problem. The kids have not joined any server. They just play on their own devices, over our own home wifi. It's supposed to be secure, but I'm not sure how sophisticated a kid would need to be in order to get in. Sadly, I suppose I'll have to consider the possibility that dd11 did this. If it wasn't hacking, and it wasn't some glitch, that's the only alternative. Yuck. Impulse control is sometimes an issue, but they've mostly been working together really well on this. I'm afraid I hadn't even seriously considered her being responsible. Griefing... Ugh. What a nasty thing to do.

Dds 13 and 11 recently started playing Minecraft. I know that doesn't work out well for everyone, but it's been really good for them. They've been cooperating on building their worlds and having a lot of fun. We have just a basic router that lets them play together on their Kindles via wifi. The router has a password, we've done the usual range of business on the internet, and we've never had a problem with it. But dd11 heard a couple of kids at the playground talking about hacking other people's Minecraft accounts and blowing their (virtual) buildings up. Then last night, dd 13 found her Minecraft house destroyed. She said it was the same landscape surrounding it, but a crater where the house had been. She'd worked hard on it, and she was pretty upset. So, is it plausible that tween-aged kids really are hacking our accounts? And if so, how worried should I be about more serious mischief involving emails and credit cards? I'm really feeling my age and digital ignorance here. Heck, I was in my thirties before I ever had the occasion to send or receive an email, but I don't like this feeling of bewilderment. I'm thinking I may sign up for a course at the library over the summer. In the meantime, any advice?

Treasure Island, Kidnapped, maybe Jules Verne books could all be good if you don't have them on the list already as educational books. Susan Cooper's Dark Is Rising series might be a good fit.

BT, DT. It was so, so hard, in every way, for my mother (whom we moved) and for me. Huge sympathy and hugs. When you say he has a hospice nurse... For us, that meant the doctor thought my mother was likely to die within a certain number of months. That was the requirement for prescribing hospice. But the doctor also said that sometimes people improved and went off hospice, then maybe back on later. So, do you have any sort of time frame from the doctor? And what exactly do you mean about the house being so bad? Clearly the layout isn't suitable. Clearly he can't manage financial affairs. Beyond that, is it utterly filthy? Is that the main reason you can't stay there? I'm trying to understand the details so maybe I can offer help. If you move him, what will happen to the house then? At some point it will have to be cleaned out. I'm wondering if there's any way to manage letting him stay, if his time frame is not very long. We ended up needing a potty chair by the bed for my mother, even though she had a bathroom steps away. So the bathroom might not even be an issue if you can make accommodations like that. We also needed a hospital bed, and hospice provided it. That helped with getting-up-and-down issues. You can probably do all this in your home, if you end up needing to move him. You're the only ones who can decide if moving him is necessary, and if you make that choice, it will be because it is really essential. How much you all love him is very clear. I know how hard it is, and I did make that choice and move my mother. She was also very rooted in her community and very unwilling to move. When I moved her, though, her life expectancy was significantly longer. Since he's already on hospice, I wonder if there's any way to manage letting him stay. Is there a local board that handles elders' issues? Or perhaps the hospice people might have some ideas? I've read your threads about Marco, and I have a child with autism who was a toddler when I cleaned out my mother's house. So, I do get it. The whole process was a nightmare. The feeling of responsibility is so hard, and knowing you have to be the ones to make that choice and trying to balance everybody's needs can be overwhelming. We really did have to move my mother, and maybe you do too. She was never reconciled to the move. It did hurt her very much. That just about broke my heart. But she also said that the best result of moving was getting to see her grandchildren so much more. She was an important part of their lives, and they brightened her life. So maybe, if you need to move him, there will be some times you can all treasure because he is living with you. I hope you can find peace and comfort with whatever you need to do. ETA: just skimmed all that was posted while I was writing. Clearly you have to do this. You are doing the right thing.

Agreeing with everyone else on learning about boundaries and your BIL's own agency. One further point is that skills need to be practiced to be maintained. So no, regression in a medical sense isn't the issue. Actual present functioning is a separate issue from whatever BIL may have done in the past. And, as stated, college is a sheltered environment. I would make sure that your dh understands that he will make decisions through inaction just as much as through action. Actively deciding to speak up and challenge his parents' vision of the future may be profoundly uncomfortable. But living with the consequences of their decisions because he refused to clearly communicate may be profoundly uncomfortable, too, for all of you. If I saw this dynamic in my family, especially around such vitally important issues, I think I'd insist on family counseling if needed to achieve absolute clarity.

Doing math with dd11. Very much the usual routine.

You're right, things in the real world are rarely ideal. I understand that an annual weekly vacation with your husband's family isn't necessarily possible, though it would be good to do something like this at least once so you can get a better idea of your BIL's level of functioning, begin to get to know him, and let him begin to get to know you. Without those basic levels of understanding you can't really make the important decisions under discussion. I'm just saying that he needs to know you. I hear you saying that maybe he's been enabled, over the years, to be more dependent than he needs to be. I hear you saying that his parents are making decisions and thinking he will simply need to accept them. But my experience leads me to think that his disability may be more extensive than you *or perhaps even his parents* really grasp. It's very easy to become accustomed to the things that are normal in our lives and forget how outside the norm they actually are. I get reality checks like that from time to time when I see my dd with peers of the same age who do not have autism. Suddenly I realize again that she is not acting like all the other 11-year-olds. Consider the implications of the fact that you can't talk to him on the phone. Can he call in to work if he is sick? Can he call 911 in an emergency? Maybe yes, maybe no. These are things you need to know. There's probably a lot more. His disability is real. And he needs to have a sense of who you are. He needs to feel comfortable with you. This is not necessarily quick or easy to achieve. He needs to trust you if you're going to be at all involved in his life. The time to start building a relationship, whether it's in person, by email, by skype, or whatever, is now. That understanding and trust need to be in place before any move is made, and preferably before any significant decision is made. Care of dependent relatives does tend to take over one's life. Yes, vacations get spent in ways you wouldn't have chosen. But someday we'll be the ones needing help. You don't have to take on the job, you just need to be clear and open so they can make the best decisions possible. Finally, if the decision (with BIL's input) is that he needs to go into some sort of group home or other supported living situation eventually, please think about helping him make that transition before his parents become infirm. I've watched the disaster when that decision was left until after their death. It wasn't pretty. Encourage them to help him adjust while they are still able to ease the transition, so he doesn't have to cope with grief and life on his own all at once. I know this is all hard, and I am sympathetic to the magnitude of what your in-laws are asking of you. It really is okay to say no. Just understand that they need to clearly know your limits, and your BIL needs time to know you. Hugs and best wishes.