Lol, I think I would be shocked too. I am not homophobic at all either and have gay friends, and a gay BIL, but still, it's your sister and you didn't see it coming. I think I might laugh too. Oh well- at least now you know. I am sure you love each other and thats really all that is important.

Both my kids are in pretty steady and serious relationships- well, relative to the mucking around silly stuff that used to happen the last few years. I am ok with both partners- more than ok really. Ds15 is a charmer and he astonishingly treats his gf like a princess. And she is really lovely. But, I dont really have any expectations either. Dd16 is in love, really in love, for the first time. It feels like marriagable stuff (although her last bf did want to marry her, he was so intense with her it put her off completely). She is besotted and he is a really nice guy besotted with her too. Not that I think she is in any rush to get married- if ever- its just a different feel of a connection to when she was younger. A strong bond. He is incredibly good looking, going to university and studying Asian Studies, business and Japanese- which is FAR more interesting than all the engineering students she seemed to attract before. He plays piano and so does she. The only drama around here at the moment is that he has gone away for a month and she is heart broken about it- although they spend hours on the phone each evening. She is such a happy person normally, its rare to see her actually mooching around feeling sad. SHe is easily distracted with friends, movies, activities..but left to herself, she will fall back into a less than her normal joyful state. ANd ds's gf is also away, although he seems less affected. I do not have a picture of the partners my kids should have. I want them to treat themselves with care and respect, and they both have pretty good self esteem so they do, but beyond that, I don't think it's my business at all. I guess I might step in at this age if someone was seriously a bad influence..but I have no idea of cast, religion, race, social status, whether their parents are divorced etc. Those things do not even occur to me.

Thanks for speaking your heart, Joanne. I come from divorced parents and I was 13 and didnt see it coming when my dad left, and it shattered me- so to me I guess I could say it was a broken home in the sense that it broke me in a way that took a long time to heal from, and definitely shaped my life. But I completely understand that the term should not be used to describe every child of divorced parents as if every child will be broken and shattered. They aren't, and that's the truth. Many survive the whole thing fairly psychologically intact, many are better off (which doesnt mean they arent damaged anyway). Broken home is what I would use to describe a kid who is in trouble already- acting out in adolescence, into crime or something that sends alarm bells...and it is a way of getting some context for where they have come from in their family system (parents separated, dad in jail, mother on drugs or whatever). So it can be useful. But to use it as a judgement against most children of divorced parents is to make a generalisation that carries a heavy load behind it that isnt appropriate in this day and age. I was partly so traumatised by my parents divorce because it was not something I had any knowledge of- I knew what "divorce" meant but I knew no one back in suburbia in 1980 that was divorced. No one in my family or circle, none of my friends' parents. None. So I felt a huge amount of shame. Nowadays, at least that is not there...dh and I separated for 18 months and it was ok. The kids werent traumatised. There was no shame. It definitely wasnt a "broken family". It wasnt ideal but we all benefitted from it in the long run.

I cant stand the stink of my ds15's deodorant but he loves it and sprays himself liberally....yuk...but it does smell marginally better than he used to before he showered regularly. He also changes his tshirts more often than once a week or whenever I could get them off him. Her name is Amy.

The article you have linked to is just silly-it's just someone's opinion- dont be fooled by the fact they are "doctors"- they are just people with opinions and their opinion is no more valid than anyone else's. Its an issue of values and lifestyles, not medical science. THere are many articles you could find that would refudiate that article. I also grew up in a family where nudity- even of my father- was normal and no big deal and definitely non sexual. It was nothing to see either of my parents walk from the bathroom to the bedroom naked, and my brother and I were the same. Live the life YOU want to live with your kids and dont be intimidated by others. Have confidence that how you are is natural, not sexual. But also...your dd will respond to anything granma says with half an eye on how YOU respond to what granma says. So be really clear yourself that what you are doing is fine...and then get clear with how you might deal with granma is she were to somehow find out and then somehow decide it is abuse. I think I would keep granma at a healthy distance if she was that sort of a person, personally. My kids never took on granma's values. Their nanna used to make comments about my dd's very healthy figure and tell her not to eat too much because she wouldnt want her little tummy to get any bigger...things like that. For one thing...nanna hasnt been a huge part of our lives. For another....we always immediately counter anything like that with our own perspective and nanna's well meaning comments just slid off. And one day your dd will realise that some other people dont walk around naked even inside their own homes, and thats ok too. Kids are smart- they work it all out pretty quickly and adapt accordingly. The Family Bed is a well documented phenomenon- I wouldn't worry about it.

Yeah, it bothers me to the extent that I will sometimes say something- but my dh is pretty extreme about it, and I am a bit of a health nut at the other extreme. For example, he adds sugar to most soups I make. He eats a lot of sugar and so far does not have raised blood sugar so feels justified. I dont eat sugar at all. When I make vegetable juices, which the kids and I enjoy, he will mix them half and half with ginger beer or some other sweetend juice. Last time, the other day, I asked him to just not drink the juice I hand make if he is going to mix it with a processed one full of sugar....just because I get offended by it. He understood, dranks his vegie juice straight, then poured a glass of ginger beer into the glass and drank that. Cheeky, but I was happier than if he mixed them! Trippy, aren't I? We have lots of food trippy people around here, one way or another. I have to hold back frequently. I call dh my cave man sometimes because his tastes are rather less refined than mine (in my opinon of course.) :)

We have separate rules for the kids to the dh. He agreed to them, and he does his thing in a separate room, not the main living area where the kids have their computers and TV. SO...we dealt with it by having a big house where dh could remove himself. It IS a marriage issue and I suggest not nagging, but asking for some respect and some boundaries for your kids- but not necessarily for him UNLESS it is really interfering in your lives together. Maybe deal with them as separate issues. I have heard, though, of families gaming together and it can be a valid family bonding experience. Probably being too black and white about it and negative about it will jsut get the family polarised against you. Be willing to compromise - probably a lot- but hold out for some boundaries for your kids, as a regular thing, and for his support.

I wanted to do special things, buy cloth pads, jewellery, take her out- I planned and researched...but she was 14 close to 15 when it happened...we had been waiting a long time! And she very much has a mind of her own. She is wonderful with being open with me about it. And with her girlfriends (most of whom started *years* before her- and they were jealous of her late start!). She just handled it in her normal mature way. And no WAY is she interested in cloth pads or even disposable ones! Let alone diva cups etc (even though I use cloth pads and a Keeper). Tampons from the start, thankyou very much! (Partly because she started on a camp and thats all her best friend had for her, so thats what she started with.) I would stay open and sensitive to your daughter- her embarrassment etc. We did a beautiful ceremony with all her girlfriends when she was 12- a coming of age ceremony. But it was 2.5 more years before it happened for her. And when it happened, I ended up doing nothing special at all and just was her mum- warm and loving and enthusiastic and sympathising. But matter of fact. I just knew she wouldnt want it any other way and I couldnt put my *own* desires to make it special onto her. There is a bit of a movement towards "doing something"..and some girls probably really appreciate it...but also be aware sometimes its us mothers trying to heal our own wounds around the issue and sometimes our dd's don't appreciate it so much :)

Ideally, I cook one meal for the whole family and just eat a smaller serve. Ha. With a dd with allergies, a ds who won't eat so many things, a dh with gluten intolerance and strong food allergies, and me wanting to eat healthier than any of them are hpapy with....not often. But usually everyone will have parts of the same things and then different things as well. ANd sometimes- everyone jsut fends for themselves and I make myself exactly what I want. Which no one else will eat.

We buy 90% 2nd hand, so cost is not much of an issue. Space is, but both kids have their own rooms so they have a fair amount of space. They have lots of clothes. Dd16 has zillions of clothes. Ds15 not so many and he is much more likely to let them go because he is going through growth spurts and things that fitted him like, yesterday, no longer do. If it was up to me they would both have less and when they were younger and not so image and clothes conscious I would regularly zen out their closets. Mostly I would get rid of what didnt fit, what was stained, and things they just werent going to wear. That was usually enough to actually fit the clothes back into the drawers and close the drawers.

I am glad I have one of each and my yearning for another child would probably have been much worse if I had only one or the other. But if thats not even a consideration for you, then I wouldn't worry about it. Just have fun!

Cultural and relative. I have been to India and Indonesia (Bali) and I totally get that in those countries driving has its own rules. But what about the rule in Asian countries of not eating with your left hand? In Bali they are fairly westernised in the tourist areas so I dont make much effort there, but in India I need to ...I am left handed. You know what they do with their left hand, dont you? (hint, they dont use toilet paper.) So to them...Westerners can be very rude. There are many other examples where we are very gross to them but mostly, they are too polite to say anything....so it works both ways. I have noticed that personal space is a very western luxury, too. When you live 2 or 3 families in a small home, personal space is definitely a luxury. Also, I think rudeness is in the eye of the beholder. Getting all upset over someone's rudeness when in reality they are not hurting you, just living their life their way...is silly. Being genuinely inconsiderate or inconvenient is different (such as being late all the time) but in Asian countries the whole sense of time can be different too, so its not even worth getting upset over that! I think its great to be stretched out of our comfort zone and see that our way is not the only way and not even the right way.

I made a vegan Christmas lunch on Saturday- nut loaf with gravy (vegan), and baked vegetables, and spinach salad. I am sure you are aware that a strict vegan cant eat baked vegies that are sitting in meat juices. The gravy for this nut loaf is the best gravy I have ever tasted and I will make it again. It took about 45 minutes to make (browning onions etc) but it was soooo worth it. http://allrecipes.com.au/recipe/9264/nut-roast-loaf.aspx

I like them too and woudl be happy to receive them. I find it difficult when people complain about gifts. My dad and his wife in past years have made it perfectly clear when they dont like a gift I have sent..even when I sent it with a sense of humour. One year I sent, among other things, a little hand made hand painted gnome for my dad's vegie patch. He told me that really wasn't his thing and even acted kind of offended- hey it's a joke, ok? Another year I sent some outdoor incense to keep away the mozzies- no, that wasn't ok either. I honestly would rather they not tell me. I am sending token gifts- I see them every few years, I send gifts 3 times a year (Xmas, b'day, Father's day) and you want to complain about the gifts? Do you know how hard it is to buy for your father 3 times a year when he is so fussy and you see him every few years? And my brother and I also get literally told off if we forget his wife's b'day and Mother's Day. Um, we are adults in our 40s here- its lucky we remember you and our mother 3 times a year EACH, but your partners too? Not once have I bitten back though because really it's just silly and they cant help being silly old people. My brother and I also stopped exchanging gifts for each other's family...it just became easier not to (even before he had 6 kids) and we know there is a love under there anyway. I often think though..if I wanted to give them a famiyl present, with such a big range of ages..what woudl I give them? And I have thought...a magazine subscription of some sort. Something everyone can just browse through and get something out of- the pictures for the littlies, all of it for the olders and adults.

In a way it's just a different way of dealing with finances. He might feel you are a little tight with them, not enjoying today at the expense of tomorrow. I tihnk most marriages have one person who is the saver and one who is the spender, more or less. He wants to use what is after all his money too, on you. It makes him feel good. I agree to find something you want more than a laptop and put that out there for him to get. My dh and I have separate money as well as together money, so the issue doesn't come us as much- not for gifts, anyway. He tends to buy me much more expensive gifts than I get him, though. However at the moment we are both being very tight with the together money as finances are scarcer than normal. So...since i have more money saved (in my separate account) than him....he is trying to spend MY money on ME- as in, he knows I want an Apple comptuer so he keeps trying to buy me one- with my money. And I dont have quite enough money saved for it, so some would have to come out of savings. But he WANTS to buy one for me! So I have to be very firm....not yet! It doesn't stop him spending hours on ebay and the Apple site looking for bargains though, and telling me when they come up, trying to hook me in!

OMG!

I know someone from Malaysia who comes from a family of 7 boys no girls.

We are familiar with haggling because we play the 2nd hand market a lot. The kids are good with it too. (and many sellers are not- so yes we do get good deals). It does seem to be getting less uncommon in some stores too- particularly the type that sell white goods as they seem to be able to discount- as does our local computer store- but generalyl speaking I wouldnt go into a clothing store or a department store and ask for their best price. (I must admit dh has received very good discounts by pointing out slight imperfections on an item, though).

That is so beautiful! My dh and our son have had a rough ride lately too. 2 days ago, ds was long boarding (skate boarding) home from the deli and some teenagers in a car didn't indicate they were turning- and he had to move fast and jump off his board. It was either him or the board...the board was run over and they drove off. Ds only got the board a month ago and loved it and was heartbroken but really handled it well. When he told dh...dh offered to replace the board. That meant SO MUCH to ds who had saved hard for it. ANd dh said to me...he just wanted ds to know how much he is loved.

Whew, I completely understand your dilemma. I am not sure we have computer addiction here (except for me) but when ds was using online games it became very addictive and we had to have him go cold turkey. What about at your place AND "other activities". I dont know your area or situation...but my kids have many friends that they meet at various places- such as gymnastics, the shops, the city, the markets. They are of an age and maturity I am ok with them with that sort of freedom, though. Yesterday ds15 met up with his friends at gymnastics, then they went to the local "mall" as you guys call them, to do some Christmas shopping together, then they walked 3kms back home here, then they got a lift with my dd16's boyfriend (responsible 19yo driver) to a place on the river near here where they can jump off a cliff fairly safely. (Its summer). Then they all came back here and parents came and got them- no electornics all day. These things may be way out of your comfort zone, and my kids are older....but just trying to brainstorm other things for your son and his friends to do that don't involve being at anyone's house- so, more neutral territory? I did surrender my son to some neighbours- he does spend a lot of time on computers there. However, they are also his "street friends' and they do also get kicked out of the house and play imaginative games on the street- the 2 boys adore my son and are both younger than him. I love that he can still play hide and seek and such at his age, and the neighbour's mother loves him dearly. I personally wouldnt ask her not to let him play computers at her place...because it feels like an intrusion on their family dynamics - but she does send them outside too so there is some balance. I think it is time for a "movement" of mothers and parents making a stand on this issue, personally. What tends to happen is that our kids tell us that "all their friends" play this or that game or spend hours on the computer...and no matter how strong we are it is difficult when we want out kids to have peers they can relate to. Our kids dont tend to come home and say "Jamie isnt allowed to play computers this week because he was rude to his mum". Who wants to give their parents ideas? :lol: At least, thats how I see it working...we tend to succumb to our KIDS' peer pressure and dont make a stand. Good on you for making one. We have had our own battles around all these issues.

I agree that people can change...but more often than not they dont, or it is a very rough ride with many times going back to the old pattern. However...I dont think the picture is so sad because either way....the woman needs to do the same thing. She needs to take care of herself and do her OWN therapy (whether with a professional, or just a deep honesty to do the work herself) because these relationships are always a pattern of 2- the woman needs to move out of the victim role. She heals her side of the equation- she gets real, cleans up her own co dependence, stops being the enabler and gets healthy psychologically, values herself deeply...and either he changes too or he doesn't. Either way...she is ok. If she realises it is healthier for her to leave...she will be strong enough to and to move on to better things. If he is changing, they can truly help each other. Focusing on him is not the answer. You cant change other people. Either he changes or he doesnt. She needs to focus on what she can change- her own self respect, her valuing herself, and her ability to stand on her own feet and act on her own behalf.

Well, I don't know how it all works over there...I was referring more to loan sharks than accountants or H&R block, specfically...but I didn't think much about it because i didnt realise your ordinary tax accountants could give instant refunds . I dont even know if ours over here do- I have never even heard of it before so I presumed it was a loan sharky thing, not a straight accountant thing. So...I was referring to loan sharks and it may not even be relevant to the conversation if all accountants can do it. Lazy communication on my part.

I've never had anyone get upset for me saying excuse me- especially to little kids, with a smile on my face. Mothers can be so distracted and exhausted, especially mothers with little kids in supermarkets. I think its the time of year...people's tempers are a little more frayed coming up to Christmas, and it pays to give a little more grace, a bit more patience, than normal. However I do understand that if you have had your head bitten off for saying excuse me in the past, you might try something else. I wouldn't hesitate to just say excuse me, though...I have even placed my hands gently on a small kid in the supermarket to steer them out of the way when they are blocking the aisle- very conscious it wasnt "my" kid and the mother could go off at me, but its never happened. If anyone complained, that would be their problem, not mine- it's their kid in the way. But I try to be friendly and matter of fact and also "maternal" and non threatening. It might be the area I live in- it's not rough at all.

I hate puking. I would rather wait and have it come out the other end.

Oh Rosie, I have never seen so many huge women as I have seen in the SCA. Probably half of them are obese here. I guess it's a place they can feel comfortable at the weight they are, and really, that garb does look amazing on them. As for Marilyn Monroe- that picture makes me feel much better because that is pretty much my body. I might be a bit shorter than she was and right now a bit slimmer (OK, maybe, maybe not), but that is my general shape. And it looks good on her! It makes those skinny chicks look so...under nourished. Go and eat! Why would a man be attracted to someone who looks under nourished? Surely it would be a primal imperative to want a woman who is more...maternal looking?