Grad parties were a big thing in NY where I used to live. 2020 was the only year we didn’t go to several. At our new house, I’m told they are a thing, but we haven’t been through a grad season yet so idk what it’s like. I think you should ask someone who had older kids. While I don’t like throwing big parties, they were a big thing for my kids and I loved seeing friends and family shower them with love. It meant a lot to them in terms of closure.

That sounds like a good plan. For completely different reasons, I take visits to my mom one visit at a time—who comes, how long, where I stay, when. I think that’s common when are kids are teen to young adult Have you ever tried heated seats? I don’t know if it would work for your issue, but it changed my driving life. One of our cars has built in, full seat—back and bottom which is amazing, but we bought one that plugs in to the lighter for the other and it’s still good.

The not sending presents is unkind. However, I spent the last four years of my dads life dragging 2 then 3 little kids across the country ( and Canadian border) twice a year because my mom couldn’t travel. So, I don’t think there’s any one way of doing/ handling this type of situation that’s right. Could your sister be not willing to make any allowances for your mom’s situation and only seeing her own side of things? I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your mom to want them to come to her. That said—it’s hard and frustrating to be you watching all this. Your story is one of the reasons I had a conversation recently with dh about his mom. The plan has always been his sister will do elder care—but she has a history of not doing anything hard or that takes a lot of work. I told dh he could quit work and do it and I would get a full time job, but that I would be terrible at it and wouldn’t do it. He was a bit put out and shocked, but once he thought about whether he wanted to do that, he realized that I was right. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story.

I don’t have married kids, but my MIL often sends us money to go out which has been super helpful at certain times in our marriage when finances are strained. My parents never sent anything which is totally fine bc I don’t think it’s necessary. It’s just nice

If I’m understanding correctly, you are visiting your DD’s, right? If so, I don’t understand the people who think going to the gym was ok. I would assume you talked to them about the tickets beforehand. Of course the younger kids are disappointed. They are on a trip to visit their sisters and we’re ditched at the last minute. If the girls hadn’t wanted to go, they could have said so upfront. People are visiting them. They don’t need to spend every minute with you, but ditching you like that at the last minute was rude.

And they are 20 years old. I think older people and people with only little kids forget that there is a point in their teens where you cannot force a kid to spend time with relatives. You can ask, but the more you push the less likely they are to do it. And sometimes they will just not do it bc they are self-absorbed. That’s outside of any other issue.you are right your oldest needs to learn to be more flexible however they are 20. They have agency. Other than encouraging growth you can’t teach it the way you might of 10 years ago. One thing I didn’t touch on is that I don’t think you all were rude about the sleepover. You said no. It was your mother’s job to entertain him. You’d already spent time with him.

You have gotten a ton of great advice. I agree that a lot of it stems from your relationship with your mom. Does it help to know that in my family I’ve had no problem telling my mom that too much going on overstimulates us so we will only see the cousins in the afternoon. Or, when she was overwhelmed caretaking for my dad and feeding us tiny portions, I’d go get more food. That’s healthy. You “should “ be able to sit her down and say—if we are going to stay with you, we need xyz. Does that work or should we stay in a hotel? She will survive the disappointment. It’s ok to disappoint her. I need to also say that we are a neurotypical family who loves children and what you are discribing with your niblings would drive us all insane. Ten hours of constant interaction???? Regularly? No, just no. It would even drive me crazy to interact for 10 hours straight with my own kids lol!

Yes, I do have a stash of white elephant gifts. After years of 2 sets of 3-4 kids doing white elephant parties and emergency trips to get things, I learned. I even moved white elephant gifts lol. I’m down to one kid but our new place has these parties, too.

I think it’s common to think it’s fair game with family photos. My family would think nothing if forwarding a picture of a cousins new baby around to other family. The only reason I know this might be a problem is people here and one of my DD’s who got upset with me forwarding a pic of her to a grandmother without asking. Showing family pictures to other family just doesn’t seem unusual to me. Asking actually seems odd to me. ( For pix shared of family within family,)

This has been on my radar for a while: https://classicalacademicpress.com/collections/everyday-debate?gclid=Cj0KCQiA7OqrBhD9ARIsAK3UXh2q2gvjcugEXKWouQP-ZNy3TW08uAofm7XplHyHfVOVAGZlCR1I64UaArrcEALw_wcB I have never used it, but it's worth a look.

I agree.

But she wasn’t told by the person whose kids they are. She was told by Farrar. For all Grandma knows, it’s just an opinion.

That’s how I’m feeling, too. I think why they were connected was bc she got the pictures from online—they weren’t sent to her. But, like I said, I get why someone who doesn’t hang out online would be confused about push back for sending pictures non-digitally as they’ve been doing for years.

Well think about how you would enter a room. Hi—my child has just been diagnosed with an ID. I don’t understand the test he was given. Does anyone have experience with the WISC and can explain what these scores mean? Or Im looking to chat with someone whose child has an I D. My child was just diagnosed and I have a lot of concerns and questions. Then list them

You have a child with an ID? Do you want advice? Companionship?

Usually people post why they want to know. We are a community who has spent years talking to each other. It’s like you walked into a room full of long time friends and asked what our kids IQ scores are without introducing yourself or telling us why you want to know.

This is what I see, too. We’ve always asked that our children’s names not be attached to photos in the media. Then dd joined the high school soccer team, and her name is all over print and online local papers/channels.

Does anyone else get a little thrill of pride when these kids that we’ve “virtually “ watched grow up graduate? I remember when your kids were little, Laura C!

Many grandmothers I know share this type of letter with pictures of the grandchildren. It’s pretty much pictures they’ve taken themselves. I don’t think it would have occurred to anyone 30 years ago to ask permission to do this. Things really have changed and, I’ll admit, it took me a long time to understand and even remember that this could be a problem for people. And I’m not over 60. I get it now, but I completely get why/how a grandma wouldn’t understand—particularly one who isn’t in the world of social media and hearing it all the time. Honestly, I feel like people often say—obviously, she shouldn’t do that. But really it isn’t obvious when you aren’t surrounded by the culture of people who feel that images are private. Especially if you don’t understand how those images could be used. So, I get why Grandma is baffled by you, Farrar. The chances of pictures in a printed Christmas letter sent to friends and family being used badly are pretty slim. That said, since she is estranged from that family, I get how it could become a problem. Because, really, anything could.

My mother is in one. She had to prove a certain amount of savings before she could enter.

Yes

Yay! So far ds’s grades are good—2 A’s and an A- so far. Just Calculus and PE left. Calc has been harder than it should have been ( as he took it last year) but he’s gotten it together. I’m so proud of him! We both needed to know he could do this on his own. One funny- he texted me his Chem grade and asked me what grade it was. I said I didn’t know that it depended on the grading scale. He said—ugh, his best girl friend said the same thing. Lol so glad he’s got a sensible friend!Anyway, unless something goes really wrong with Calc, he should easily keep his scholarship and have a cushion. Phew—I was not sure that would happen!!!

Mint Mobile’s unlimited is $30 a month and often has deals for the first three months.

Wonderful!

I pick ds up Friday! According to his BeReal he is studying hard lol. Dd (junior year) gets home Saturday from Canada. We haven’t seen her since August. My oldest, who works, also comes Sat. He’ll be home for two weeks bc he’s working remotely for a few days. So it will be a full noisy house. Quite a change bc youngest dd, although a talker, is pretty calm and steady and quiet. My four together—-NOT quiet—loud, silly and funny.