Nexgard does ticks!!! :) Oh, my, did you go to HHS? I was class of 88. My brother was class of 85. PM me if you went there. And, yes, Lyme country -- super scary. We live in WV now, with little Lyme, but NoVA is so bad, and we lived there for several years after dh got out of vet school. Super scary. There are also some collars that are good against ticks. We used to use the Preventic collars by Virbac (available OTC) before better products became available. (Frontline was never good enough against ticks for Lyme country, IMHO.) If I lived in Lyme central, I'd use Nexgard, and I'd add a Preventic collar during high tick season if the Nexgard wasn't good enough. IME, when we lived in NoVA, Frontline did fine protecting the DOGS against tick bites, because it'd kill the ticks eventually, before they could bite . . . but we'd get "hitchhiker" ticks on the dogs that'd ride into the house, then crawl on me or the kids. NOT GOOD! The Preventic collars stopped that, because that pesticide is also a repellant . . . That level of pesticide exposure was worth it, to me, even with young kids, to prevent the Lyme/etc carrying ticks from getting on our humans . . . So, anyway, if you have tick problems that are too bad for Nexgard, consider adding a Preventic collar during the summer. (They're cheap and last all summer.)

FWIW, I think the advice to do it every other day is sort of assuming that telling you to do it everyday for a week or more is "asking too much". If it's *not* asking too much, you might want to just go with every day. From my understanding, sperm counts (and testosterone levels) are best with daily ejaculation. And daily intercourse has the highest conception rate. But, every other day is *almost* as effective as daily intercourse for conception. So, if you both *want* to do it daily, jump on in. But, if missing every other day (or even just occasional days) makes things lower stress and more fun, then that is fine, too.

Frontline generally sucks these days, and it's a pesticide. (EPA regulated, topical) Nexgard is "the bomb" and is a medicine. (FDA regulated, internal) Dh is a vet. He carried Frontline back when it was quite effective. Now it is not terribly effective, so he dropped it a few years ago (and carries several alternative products). Fipronil, the active ingredient in Frontline, is widely used agricultural (and termite) pesticide besides being in frontline, and thus, resistance has become a big problem.) Anyway, Nexgard is great for fleas and ticks. Frontline is relatively quite safe, so if it's working for your pets, you don't need to switch, but if you're looking for really good protection or what you've been using isn't working anymore, Nexgard is definitely the way to go, IMHO. It's what we use on our own pets, and we have half a dozen products at work to choose from. Anyway, Nexgard has a great safety record, is well tolerated, is very effective against both fleas and ticks. I also *really* like flea/tick products that are internal instead of topical, because although I adore my pets and want them healthy/well, I *more* adore my kids and family want to prevent human exposure to the topical pesticides. Dogs live 10-15 years; people live 80-100 . . . So, the human lifetime exposure to pesticides is more of a concern to me for multiple reasons . . . Something that is safe in pets who live a decade may well be carcinogenic/etc to people who are exposed for 10x as many years . . . Plus, human health is just more important to me.

I don't think it's racist to be concerned about being the minority. I had the same feeling about not wanting to raise my kids in Utah being a religious minority, and I imagine similar concerns on a campus as a minority, particularly in a historically black college where there will, for sure, be significant pressure on black men to date black women and *not* date white women. So, if your dd would want to date, her options would be limited and/or controversial. If you didn't want her to go there because you didn't want her dating black men or didn't want her associating with blacks, then, yes, that's racist. But wanting your dd to avoid the potentially negative issues of being a minority isn't racist; it's just protective. I personally wouldn't *insist* dd not consider the schools, but I'd *insist* she consider your concerns seriously and investigate the issues. Campus visits might be very helpful. Check out college confidential for the campuses you are considering and see if you can find some answers to your concerns. For me, if the campus had at least 10-20% white/asian/non-black, then I'd guess that there'd be enough non-controversial-datable men and non-blacks for your dd not to feel totally isolated, but if it's 1-5%, then I'd be more seriously concerned. And, to be clear, personally, I am all for interracial/race-blind dating/marriage, and I would have zero negative feelings about my white kid dating someone from another race. I am bringing the dating issue up just because I am well aware that in the black community, there is a serious issue about black men dating white women, *especially* the college educated black men, who are very outnumbered by college educated black women. A white girl on campus taking 1) money/scholarships and 2) a college-student black man might face some serious negative feedback. I don't judge whether that is right or not; I'm not a minority and can't understand . . . But if that is a big issue on campus that your dd might face, then it's a big issue to consider, right or wrong. I would *guess* that is less of a problem for white *men*, but I am not certain . . . The M/F ratios on the campus might give you some insight. If they are fairly even, it might be a big issue for both genders, but if there is a gender imbalance, then that might further complicate issues. These issues are so hard!! Good luck! Be sure to look at Univ. of Alabama if you haven't already. They have some very nice automatic scholarships (full tuition above a certain test score/grade level) and the campus is diverse and lovely. My dd is very happy there.

If I lived where Zika is an issue, I'd be really vigilant about minimizing exposure. Our family just returned from Costa Rica, and we spent 6 days in the area there where Zika is indeed endemic, and I was as aggressive about avoiding exposure as possible, even though none of our family is currently (or in the near future) potentially pregnant or getting pregnant. We used permethrin spray on one set of outerwear for each family member (long pants, hats, long sleeve shirts). You apply it and then it lasts for 6 washes. We did that at home, so we had a set of clothes for everyone. We had 40% DEET, lemon-eucalyptus and picaradin bug sprays/lotions. The picaradin was new for us, and it was the least smelly to use, FWIW. The one we got was a lotion, and it was quite tolerable -- less greasy than sunscreen. We applied and reapplied frequently. I treated it just like I do heavy sunscreen use -- use as needed and then wash thoroughly at bed time. Be aware that apparently Zika can be transmitted through sperm, and they don't yet know how long it lasts in the male and can be transmitted. So, I was particularly concerned about my teen son, since he's the only one who could transmit Zika later . . . if it lasts a long time in his body . . . I sure hope there is a vaccine before my children become pregnant . . . Zia scares the crap out of me, and I am not terribly easy to scare by these sorts of things. (I did a LOT of googling before our trip.) If Zika isn't figured out before my kids enter their child-bearing years, I'm sure I'll be terrified. FWIW, Costa Rica is SUPER dependent on and invested in tourism, and I am certain they are doing everything they can to battle Zika and those nasty little skeeters that transmit it, but nonetheless, in the super-famous surf province where we visited (and where Zika had had 42 cases in recent months in that one province), we still saw plenty of those very skeeters that transmit it. (You can ID them based on their markings . . . I swatted at least a couple on myself, although I never noticed any bites.) So, I don't think it's easy to manage the bugs themselves. It is was, I'm pretty confident they'd have already done it, especially given that there are other very serious viruses (Dengue and some other long hard to spell one) there that are also transmitted by mosquitoes. Here's hoping for a vaccine and/or effective treatment ASAP. I sure hope our representative in Washington get their act together and fund research and treatment right now, before the US greets a generation of injured babies.

I like this. I wonder if it would work for us. The idea of "you're grown up enough to make this decision means you don't get spending $$ from us" seems natural, but it would be, again, hard for me to enforce. I honestly don't *want* him working for pay right now, as I want him focused on college apps/CLEP tests/etc . . . And what if he just started snagging money out of my purse. I don't keep track of money very well, and it'd be easy to swipe $50-100/wk without me noticing. I know it sounds awful to suggest he might do that, but I don't know. I know he wouldn't steal from anyone outside of me and dh, but I'm not so sure he'd not take money from his parents. I don't know that he respects our property the way he should. That sounds terrible. He's a good kid. Really, he is. So for me, right now, this seems hard. But maybe I can tweak it somehow . . . I just really, really want to get away from Mom and Dad controlling the kid's behavior. He is nearly grown. I get that. I do NOT want conflict or to micromanage. I just want him safe, "doing his shit" (school, cleaning up after himself, minimal family chores), and not hurting anyone. That's pretty much all I ask. Is that so much? Ugh, ugh, ugh. But, I can't live with me financing his willing addiction, either. Every buck he gets, comes from us . . . So *I'm* paying for his nicotine fix? And since I throw out everything each time we discover it, we've financed it all many times over . . . I have no idea what I should do. I told him I'd like him to still have his party. He accepted that, but is/was still mighty surly and sulking. Can I just say that parenting littles was a BREEZE compared to parenting teens? I suck at this. Everything I was good at when they were little helps me not at all now. I should have turned them over to boarding schools or some crazy aunt when they hit teen angst. I want to be the warm and fuzzy and fun mommy. The one with great art supplies and freeze pops in the freezer and the giant sand box. I don't want to be the Mom of No.

Excellent! TYVM for your advice. I think letting the party stand, adding a day at the end, should work. The "consequence" thing is mostly coming from the therapist. I think she wants the consequences as a substitute for the "discussions" that have not worked in the past. This week at the therapist meeting, I will address whether consequences are even helpful at all and if eliminating them altogether is an option. Thanks much.

Just for hypothetical (cough) discussion about a "friend"'s (cough) 16 yo son . . . This 16 yo has their 17th birthday in a few days. This is the first year in quite a few years when the boy has a nice set of buddies and friends to host for a party. Tentative plans have been discussed for a casual bonfire type home party next Friday. Details hadn't been firmed up yet, though. This 16 yo has an ongoing problem with "vaping" which the parents absolutely forbid and have had extensive fits, discussions, punishments for over the year it's been going on. In recent months, the boy has been seeing a therapist for the first time ever. It's going well. Depression and simple growing up/parent conflict issues have been the prime foci of therapy. The therapist has guided the parents to having clear, simple consequences for bad behavior and NOT doing the routine bitch-fest that the mom +/- dad have used previously (with little success in modifying behavior, obviously). So, there is now a very strict, clear consequence for vaping (or alcohol use) -- 7 day grounding + 10 hrs slave labor . . . (plus each attempt at negotiating the consequence leads to 1 more hour plus a half day). So, the hypothetical boy was caught today. 5 days before the planned party. There is a session with the therapist this week, so she can be consulted for guidance if needed. She's generally supportive of the "parents are in charge" but who knows . . . Her (rightful) role is to support the teen boy in whatever ways she sees are best. Thus far, she's encouraged simple, clear consequences with minimal bitching (as Mom's bitching is definitely both not constructive and also excessive, cough . . .) OK, so parents handled the issue today with calmly, gently reading off the (written down by the therapist during the one family sessions a few weeks ago) consequence, and teen calmly complied. Asked a "clarifying" question, but didn't attempt negotiations. All is calm. Parents have done what they are supposed to do. They feel like shit, as seems to be inevitable in these situations. Now, Mom realizes that the grounding will extend past the birthday itself and the entire weekend that the birthday party was to have been held. Options? And, to make it worse, one of his best friends (of a small group) is moving cross country mid-month, so it is likely that pushing the party back one week will make it so that friend won't be able to come. Historically, I tend towards bitch-fest +/- big consequences which I tend to back off from, because I hate, hate, hate to see kids unhappy and I ridiculously believe, over and over, that my bitching and explaining and begging and whatnot will magically convince said child to see the light, and they'll never make that "mistake" again, so then there is no consequence needed. I recognize that the bitch-fest is both unproductive and harmful to the child and the relationships, so I am letting the bitching go. But, the applying the consequences feels really painful. I just want the kid to be happy, have friends, and be safe (and free from dangerous habits). Mom is really committed to doing what she is "supposed" to do as she navigates the treacherous waters of parenting teens/adults -- it's a rocky transition from the smooth sailing of parenting littles. Mom is feeling like she's supposed to leave the grounding in place for the duration, meaning no BP party until after the 7 days is up. A family dinner/outing/movie/fun is permitted since Mom had smartly set out a "family activity" exemption from groundings at the outset. So, the family can do whatever fun stuff the birthday boy likes the sounds of on his actual birthday, and then any friend party would have to wait until after the grounding. WWYD?

Wood look tile planks? If you can DIY, it'd be cost effective. And they'd last forever, and they look good. An area rug can add the cozy factor.

Nah, you don't have to, but I can see your concern. I'd probably go this once (for the CYA reason), and then find a new pediatrician. :) (My youngest was always TINY, like off the charts slim, but also super, duper healthy and strong and developing well . . . so no DR ever DX'ed a problem or referred me anywhere . . . But I was always nervous at well child visits, so I get your concern!) And, FWIW, my youngest is now 13 and finally fleshed out just a bit, so at least she's on the charts, and she seems to be having normal pubertal development, so I'm not sweating it . . . But I did always keep my eye on her weight and push fattening foods her way . . . Honestly, I think she's my healthiest kid!

Warm soaks . . . and, if you are getting cysts in an area you shave, you might try "TendSkin" post shaving -- it is a sort of after-shave -- and it works like a charm to prevent ingrown hairs/bumps . . . I get it on Amazon. It's awesome. For sure, if you're shaving those areas, try it. (Stings for a second when applied, but not too bad, and WAY worth it.) Other than that, I'd just be sure that any antibiotic you use would actually help . . . Do your research . . . The last thing you want is to trigger yeast infections . . . which, for me, commonly occur with antibiotics! Anyway, you aren't going to want to go on ABX willy nilly, and if you've been getting the cysts frequently, you'd be best off with another approach if there exists one! Sorry you're suffering. Those things SUCK! FWIW, I'd totally hypothesize that hormonal shifts could play a role . . . as could any increased attention those "fun parts" are getting in the TTC warm up and/or grooming . . . IME, those sorts of things seem to have correlated with a spike in cysts. (And, I didn't get any more once I discovered TendSkin, but that might have been coincidental.)

Maybe a troll took over her WTM log in. ;) Alternatively, she's a bajillionaire and is entitled to enjoy her shopping, in which case, I am pretty sure she won't get too hurt by our incredulity. I am sure she's experienced it many times if she discusses her budget with anyone else who is not a bajillionaire. I spend more than most on my kids, and I've experienced plenty of negative reactions to that spending right here on this board, and I didn't sweat it. Anyone with more money than most and more spendy habits than most is well acquainted to negative reactions to their spending habits. That's why I don't generally discuss those habits, lol.

You have to do what you have to do. It is painful to "become the parent" and play the "parent card" on your own parent . . . but it is a reality. It gets emotionally easier on you after that transition. You just have to put on your "big girl panties" and suffer through the guilt and discomfort. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your FIL is very fortunate to have you and his son looking out for him. It's hard, but you just have to do it. Those first weeks/months of asserting authority are the hardest, IME. There will be much work to do, but, for me, the emotionally hardest part is right where you are right now. Just put one foot in front of another, and keep making the kindest, most loving choices you can. (((hugs)))

:svengo: :svengo: :svengo: That is an absolutely cray-cray budget. Unless you are multi-bazillion-gamillionaires with all your financial needs covered forever, that is a cray-cray nutty amount of money. Either you are a troll or you are a very rich woman -- in which case, more power to you, and happy shopping!

I guess my thought is that dining out is "entertainment", not food. :) Since a dining out meal can be made at home for MUCH less than eating out, I just never think of dining out as "food". I guess it's because I consider "food" a necessity and a "good" but I consider dining out a treat/entertainment and generally a "bad" (since it's typically MUCH less healthy than home prepared meals and also because it's frivolous). If you consider dining out as part of the food budget, then it'd be easy to spend 2000 or more a month. Very easy! I know families that eat out several times a week at pretty nice places (so probably 150+ for a family of 7). That sort of spending just throws everything out of whack, lol. I would never combine dining out and "food"/groceries/meats/produce/etc in the same budget category, because to me, the purpose of budgeting is to make good decisions financially. And, to me, I think spending $1000 on a year's worth of grass fed beef for the freezer is "good spending" but spending 1000 in a month dining out is just a luxury. I'm not saying I don't spend money dining out -- just that I think of that money as the money that can be easily budgeted. When we had a lean year around 2008, we dined out maybe twice that year . . . But when we're flush, we've been known to eat out twice in a week (or a dozen times in a week when on vacation) . . . To me, it's not helpful to mentally combine those sorts of spending. That said, if dining out is something a family does frequently, then obviously they should spend something less on in-home food and (lots) more on the entertainment/dining category. I suppose if a family was very small (single person, maybe a couple) and they ate out really frugally (coupons, shared meals, budget specials, no beverages, etc) then dining out could be a somewhat comparable cost to in home dining, since in home dining can get tricky when cooking for one (more waste, more spoilage, etc.), but for a family, I just think it's much more likely to dramatically increase "food" costs by combining the dining out in with food budgets. And, frankly, if people are dining out routinely, then it's unlikely they are super into budgeting.

I really think this is a silly way to look at spending on food. In my experience, my spending on food varies minimally with income shifts. Now, we've never been truly poor, even though we lived on very little income for many years, because during those years, we were students and were living "beyond our means" knowing we'd earn more someday and be able to repay loans. Obviously, if we were truly poor and not able to comfortably borrow for living expenses, then, sure we could have and would have spent less. My spending on food has varied by maybe 50-100% adjusted for inflation and kids' ages (on a per capita basis) between the years when we had an income under the poverty line (grad school, living mostly on student loans) to the years when our income is in the top few percent. So, it was probably 40-50% of our taxable income in those lean years and is probably <5% of our income now, even though we spend lavishly on food now and were pretty frugal back in the lean years. I mean, for a typical family of 4, to me, 1000/mo is pretty comfortable for food, but under $7-800 or so would mean serious thriftiness and over 2000/mo would require serious waste. . . That's not a huge variation, so I'd think the % spent would really vary based on your income, with poor folks needing to spend a much higher percentage . . . I do spend more lavishly on food now than I once did, but I think most of that variation is some more expensive wines/meats and excess junk food to comfortably feed whatever kids my kids invite over, etc. 700-1000/mo was comfortable long term for us, but I can't imagine how I could spend more than 2000/mo (I don't count, but I'm guessing) without really trying and/or feeding the neighborhood on a weekly basis. And our income has varied by a factor of 10 over the years, not a factor of 2. IME, wealthier families don't routinely eat super expensive foods at home. I mean, I've been to lots of meals at homes with incomes 150-250k/yr, and I've never been served caviar and only very rarely a particularly expensive steak. Maybe we have $10-$15 bottles of wine with dinner instead of $8 bottles, but that's the only real difference. The meals made at home by my friends hasn't really varied much with incomes ranging from the grad-student-poor to middle to upper income brackets. Everyone still eats hummus and veggies or lasagna or cheeseburgers or pasta with pesto or whatever . . . I know plenty of 200k income families that serve hamburger helper at dinner . . . Honestly, though, many of the wealthier families I know tend to cook from scratch healthy meals that are fairly cheap to make . . . It's the convenience foods that kill the food budget IME. That's certainly what drives most of our variability in food costs. When we were thriftier, we still ate good quality foods for meals and had ice cream, etc., but I bought fewer junk and convenience foods . . . And I didn't let things go to waste nearly as much as I do now (my kids waste stuff . . . and if the extra $ in wasted food was really a huge deal to us, I'd be a lot tougher on the kids about it . . . Now I gripe but don't actually stop buying stuff . . .) (FWIW, I wouldn't include dining out in a food budget, but obviously that totally changes things.)

This has nothing to do with taxes. I'm not talking about HIDING the inheritance. Just the fact that when one spouse inherits money, it is legally NOT community property UNTIL/UNLESS the person who inherits "mingles" the money with joint finances. I.e., you inherit $100k from your mom. If you put it in your joint checking account, pay down loans, put it into your house, then it instantly becomes "joint" and if you divorce later, that 100k is looked at as part of the community property. In contrast, if you keep those funds in an account (or property) titled just to you, then if you divorce later, that money is NOT considered part of the community pot. You get it, free and clear, then the REST of your community property is divvied up. If you take half of it and pay down your mortgage (on your marital home) and leave half in an investment account titled just to you, then you have "protected" 50k, but the other 50k just became marital property. In all events, I'm not talking about hiding anything from your spouse or the government. (If you file taxes Married Filing Separated, then maybe you could hide it from your spouse, but I have never filed that way, so I have no idea.) And, for sure, I'd never try to hide money from the government.

Fwiw, there are ways to shield money if desired. I don't do it, but I've seen plenty of chances to do so. For instance, if you inherit money, you can keep it all for yourself if you keep it segregated into your own account and don't mingle it. So, if that is a possibility for you, and you want to preserve it as 'yours' then when you ever inherit any money, keep it in a separate account. Use up joint resources on stuff you want, and save that individual money just for you . . . Later . . . Similarly, it likely makes sense to pay off any of 'your'student loans or other before-marriage debt first, from joint marital money. Then be sure to educate yourself thoroughly to prepare yourself for earning power . . . Again with marital funds. Then there is always the prenup or postnuptial agreement . . . If you are determined to protect yourself financially, then do that. Personally, I've never looked at money that way. When I inherited, I've simply used the money in whatever ways made the most sense for us as a family. And I have not considered pre or postnuptial agreements. But, if financial security in the marriage is scary for you, then for sure, I'd rather have done a post nup or prenup rather than change our entire way of life (by focusing on equitable sharing of finances and future security, rather than considering everything as a couple, as we do). (I do think prenups make sense for marriages with prior children and/or late in life marriages with complicated and/or uneven financial situations, but for me, I don't think they are nice for young marriages without kids yet).

FWIW, just tonight, I was confirming a bunch of flights for tomorrow on American, and they had quite a few options to upgrade (for a price) to various "premium" seats. We have two flights tomorrow. On the 90 min flight, upgrades were 12-$36 or so. On the 4 hr (international) flight the same upgrades were about twice the price, not sure if they do it by miles or by domestic/int'l. In any event, the upgrades would be a very reasonable expense in your son's position. :) Our tallest family member is our 6'1" son, so I didn't splurge, but if he were much taller (especially if the aisle seats hadn't been available for him already), I'd have upgraded him. I have bought a LOT of cross-country flights in recent years, and, in general, it seems that the best flights/prices/times vary a lot . . . I wouldn't want to be roped into a single airline, for sure. I'd want to be able to get my ideal flights for each trip . . . So, if I were you, I'd do just what you are doing (researching seat sizes and options), so that when you need to book a flight, you know what you're dealing with. Then, I'd just expect to spend $50-100 extra each travel day, depending on flights, etc. And, for SURE always book him an aisle seat. My brother is 6'4, and he has always *had* to have aisle seats. Being able to angle his knees towards the aisle and stretch his legs into the aisle a bit makes a huge difference. When he traveled internationally a lot for work, fortunately his company routinely booked business class for international flights, but domestically, in coach, he's always survived (very uncomfortably) in coach in aisle seats. I really feel for the tall (and/or heavy) folks on flights. I think you're very sweet to be looking out for your boy. And, even though I've never paid for an upgraded seat in my hundreds of flights, I'd pay a bit to upgrade my son on a really long flight, and 6'1 is a LOT shorter than 6'9!

Yup, exactly. My mom had this sort of problem (from childbirth) and by her 50s she was having endless UTIs, some incontinence, and lots of discomfort. She tried the pessaries. (She was unmarried, FWIW.) I would not consider a pessary as anything other than a short term solution, personally. Here's why: 1) I'm married and sexually active. I don't want a thing stuffed up there to take out, wash, etc. Nope. My monthly visitor is quite enough entertainment in that regard, and the one good thing about menopause will be not having to deal with that mess anymore, lol. As a matter of fact, I'd prefer all my girl parts and related "down there parts" to be right where they belong, TYVM. That there's some of the funnest parts, and I'd like it all to be in perfect working order, lol. 2) Many/most women eventually live long enough to be old and frail, and I figure we should be as prepared as possible to make that stage of life as comfortable and easy as possible. I want a simpler life when I am an old lady, and having a pessary sure doesn't sound simple to me. Are you gonna' be able to manage dealing with that thing when you are frail? What about when you have dementia? Ugh, no, no, just no. I care-taked for my mom for her last years, and there was a year or so where she needed "personal care". No matter how much hired help or aides you have or where your loved one lives, if you are close to them and with them a lot, there will be times when it is YOU wiping their butt or showering them or whatever . . . I can't even fathom having had to deal with a pessary. Nope, no, shoot me now. People with dementia can get upset when you brush their teeth or ask them to change clothes. They might resist showering or changing out of poopy clothes. You really want to have to deal with a pessary with all that? My mom care-took for HER mom for over a decade. And, even though Grandma lived in a nursing home, she came to Mom's house for holidays and Sundays . . . and Mom did her bathroom-ing then as well as regularly at the nursing home if Grandma needed help and an aide wasn't handy. I just can't imagine having to have someone else help with a pessary, too, if at all avoidable. So, anyway, if/when I have those issues, I'll be heading right over to a surgeon's office. (My mom had her surgery just months after she retired. Thank goodness she had it done before her Alzheimer's developed.)

I think the best idea is to have a low-tech household when you have kids under 12, and then, when you add some more tech, to do it very cautiously and with great supervision. :) Honestly, I think the best thing I did was not have laptops for the kids until they were older teens (I'd advise 16+). A good friend had only one family computer in the house -- a desktop on the kitchen desk. (Her husband had work computers, but kids couldn't access them.) She even turned the data off her teen's smart phone except when they were traveling or occasionally during a summer break. Both her sons went on to become engineering geeks at an elite college and great high tech careers . . . not held back at all by the limited tech in the house. ;) I should have kept things in check like that, but I was lulled into complacency by my well behave eldest kid -- a daughter. Boys are *different* LOL Parents of 8 yo boys never listen to me, though . . . They just can't believe that their sweet hairless little boys could *ever* be interested in the darker edges of the internet. . . No one ever anticipates their kid growing up as soon as they do . . . All that said, we've all survived, despite having some internet issues earlier in teen years . . .

Good point. I was aware of that, actually. I seriously considered putting our router in a locked cabinet (like we keep the router and servers secure at our work), but, fortunately for me, my boy has "grown out of" our arms race and we've settled into a reasonable internet use agreement that no longer requires the arms race. It takes a lot of effort, but it can be done. This is the reason you have to check your security on a regular basis. If I had it to do over again, I'd check everything routinely once a week at a random day/time . . . Just log into devices and try to access "restricted" sites. If I were starting over with littles, I'd have my router in a secure location, for sure. I'd just install a locked cabinet with sufficient openings for the antennae, lol. My household has grown past the internet arms race, thank goodness. It's was nightmare, lol. And, actually, I *have* found ways to secure internet access on computers in our house and also on wifi devices. The only thing I can't readily secure is data enabled devices that get their data from cell service. (There are ways, but I lost my energy to try . . . and I sort of grew past the need . . . ) Anyway, if I were starting over with littles, I'd restrict internet ready devices to those I knew how to secure. IMHO, any determined kid will gain access to "restricted" sites . . . I'm not suggesting anything that would provide 100% prevention, but I do think it is helpful to moderate problematic activities by doing what you can to limit site access. IMHO, there is a big difference between accessing porn a few times every so often (through a security lapse or at a friend's house, etc.) than surfing it for many hours per week, setting up accounts on yucky sites, making "friends" online . . . By making it difficult to access problematic sites, I think you can reduce to chance of a serious problem evolving.

This is a quick and dirty version. I've done it, but I'm no expert . . . Google up better step by steps, but here's a general overview of how I did it. Go to opendns.com. Open a free account or a low-fee ($50/yr?) premium account. (I do the low fee premium account for various reasons.) Set your router to use the opendns servers. Be sure only you and/or dh can change router settings. (Change the PW from the default!) Now, MOST important thing, make sure only you and/or dh has administrator privileges on all computers. This means setting up "child" user accounts on all computers the kids can access. Now, as admin, on each of those computers, set the IP settings to only use the server/IP stuff that your router "automatically" provides. I.e., not to use the google servers, etc. Only the OpenDNS servers that your router is set to use. Now, reboot your computers. Open a browser. Try to go to a porn site. OpenDNS will block it. Go to the kid account and try to change IP settings. It should be "greyed out" and not let you change IP settings. If you or dh want an unblocked computer (unfiltered content and no data tracking on OpenDNS), then you just need to set your OWN IP settings to use google servers (or whoever). This is easy to do. THIS is what you have to prevent your kids from doing. :) Tablets, smart phones, etc also need blocking/settings . . . Be sure to check each device by trying to go to a porn site to see if your blocking is working. FWIW, IME, a determined 12 yo boy can work around most things you do . . . Be sure to check things periodically . . . And when you have things all set, go ahead and google "how to evade OpenDNS" or "How to evade parental controls in iOS" etc . . . You will learn in 5 min how to evade what you just set up . . . So then you are one step ahead in the arms race . . . Trust me. Google . . . HTH

tumblr is a big porn site. Who'd have known?

Why not give her cold hard cash? It will eventually get spent. Just put a crisp bill in a nice card. If you find something she'd like that's inexpensive and thoughtful, then add that to the cash/card. A box of fancy chocolates, a jar of fancy jelly beans, or another favorite edible would be good. Similarly, some of her favorite lotion/lip stuff/hair brush/etc -- something you know she uses and likes and could use one more of. :) (Gift cards annoy me because I have to keep track of them. The only ones I like are Amazon ones but that's because they are equivalent to cash for me there since I use Amazon nearly daily and can just put the card on the account as soon as I get it so it can't be lost.)