It sounds weird but I went through a phase where I was eating lunch meat sandwiches (like a turkey sandwich on wheat) for breakfast. It fit into the nutritional profile of whatever diet I was trying to follow, it is easy to eat while driving if necessary, easy to pack and more temperature flexible than most breakfast sandwich type things and more protein focused than some high carb breakfast like bagels. So for me it worked as a healthy breakfast on the go that stuck with me until lunch.

I think your idea sounds great. Is there a reason you don’t want to do that? Is it that you will be missing your ds on the actual day? I do understand that. This is probably unpopular advice and it isn’t really advice- just what I would do- I will work around the schedules of the women my sons marry no matter how annoying or unfair. I won’t do anything crazy but I will be flexible and if I can’t work with it I will go about my desired plans and tell them I can’t wait to see them when they are available and tell them I hope they have a wonderful time with their family and remind them they are always welcome at my home. I know some think that is being a doormat or whatever but I’m just not going to be confrontational or demanding about these things. Not saying you are, at all, OP, just saying I don’t think I’m going to get anywhere in relationships by pressuring adults to be somewhere they don’t want to be or that puts them in a pickle or in conflict with other family. It might not be fair but it is how it will be I think. I think your original idea sounds good!

I would have to take over this job. I know that is the wrong answer because it is so unfair but that is the way things go here. I could not deal with that. I did convince my dh at once point that whoever cooks should not have to clean up and it is a nice division of labor to have the person who didn’t cook clean up and we have been doing this most of the time but when he leaves it too long I do do it because it is driving me crazy. My dh would offer to clean up but then say the pans needed to soak and that was 90% of the time a way to avoid actually washing the pan because it didn’t need to soak and he would fill it up with water and never actually wash it. I did call him out on this and point out that I thought at near 50 yo he was a little old for this kind of thing and it has actually stopped. I do clean up when dh cooks except when he puts off cooking until so late that cleanup is past my time of night that I am willing to still be doing kitchen chores. Then he does it. So we have a clean up agreement that works about 75% of the time and that is the best I will ever do with my dh as far as these things go. He is just not as trainable as I see other dhs are. You aren’t wrong but I don’t know how to make a man do things like that. I’d be doing the dishes or using more paper or cooking less or finding some other job to give him.

Never know how to size these right so we’ll see. But this is my baby Maisy.

Nah. Doesn’t sound awful! I think you are fine to let her go. You have a reason- you done want to do all that driving. That’s valid enough to tip the scales. And your compromise of driving her halfway is pretty good I think. As far as the double standard. Meh. I always was the stricter parent so I was always saying no to things the partners were allowed to do. I figure we all get to make our own parenting choices. But I hear what you are saying.

I would probably say no but I’m not sure. I don’t make hard and fast rules and reserve the right to change my mind and while I try to give my reasons and be rational sometimes it is a “just because.” I am more cautious about teen drivers than most parents. I know 17 is almost 18 (which is legally adult) but it still is not. I held fast to a lot of rules until my kids went away to college. And people would say “but they will be in college in six months” and I would say then they have freedom in six months 🤷🏼‍♀️ There is a chance I would let my dd and hate it. Or that I would just hold the line at No until 18 or graduation or something. But I don’t think you are wrong to let her. Parenting teens is hard. Sometimes we are overprotective and sometimes we say yes to things even against our better judgement. Sometimes there is no good answer and then I would just get frustrated that anyone asked me the question!

Agree! I feel like no one believes me when I say this! It’s terrible. I do admit I feel better when I exercise so I focus on that and I don’t make myself do super hard exercise or types I hate because it doesn’t matter. I do what makes me feel good.

Quoting myself because I edited it say it is 245 Ft of fence.

I have no idea the measurements but it’s not a large yard by any stretch. I can ask dh tonight. (Edit: it is 245 ft of fence) There is a kids play set and a playhouse and some room to walk around but that is it. We got a quote from our “guy” that we trust and has done a variety of jobs for us but fences are his main thing. For a vinyl privacy fence in a sand color with two gates it is going to be like $17,500 for materials, labor, tear down and haul away of an old fence. He said a white fence would save us $2000. I have no idea if that sounds right. It sounded right to me just because I expected it to be way more expensive than I feel like it should be, and indeed it is!

That is so understandable that you were stressed in that situation but you did such a good job recognizing it and adapting. Good work, Grandma! I think that is what I am going to be going for because I’m human and I’m sure there will be things that bug me. But my sons aren’t going to (and shouldn’t!) choose me over their wives. I’m going to lose if I cause any stress so I’m just not going to. Or I’m going to work really hard at not causing any. I have a lot to offer but I’ve also seen kids grow up all sorts of ways and be functioning adults. So I’m less judgmental about all the parenting things than I used to be anyway.

My MIL would see the kids a couple times a year when they were little and she just tried to cram in all the parenting she could during that time. Correcting them on their manners, religious instruction, eat your vegetables. It was just so misguided. My kids are really easy going but they still talk about how she would take them out to lunch and then correct their orders if they ordered French fries and Mac and cheese as sides instead of a veggie. Then she would bring them home and report that they didn’t eat their carrots. Just no. So so no. We tried to explain that she wasn’t going to fix everything we were doing wrong raising them two weeks a year but she would double down that someone had to do it and it was her responsibility and that is just the way she is and she isn’t going to change and her mother was that way and we had to just get used to it. We have virtually no relationship now so it is one of those how is that working for you things. It’s an extreme example and I know no one here would act that way but it informs my attitude to be the exact opposite. Now, my dad was very involved with my kids seeing them several times a week, taking them to ballgames, helping with transportation, attending all their functions. He could give them pointers like take your hat off inside or things like that and they that was different. So I’m not saying there isn’t a place for gentle life lessons. But definitely have to flex to the situation.

As far as traditions go- one thing we have done intentionally is to mix it up and not do the same exact thing every year. Sometimes we have traveled. Sometimes we stay home. Sometimes we went to Christmas Eve mass and sometimes we went Christmas morning. I felt, as a young mom, often the pressure from the extended family of doing things the exact same way because that is the way they have always been done. No reason it had to be that way. Just because. Tradition! Now we do have some traditions and some things we always try to do but we are flexible on time and and how things look. I get that tradition is important in many ways but I have tried to stress flexibility too. Just last weekend my oldest and his girlfriend were here and we were discussing holidays and it came up that some years we did most of our Christmas presents on Christmas Eve and other years Christmas morning. It was kind of blowing her mind that we mixed it up. I did say “I am hoping that having the matriarch of the family be flexible makes life easier on all of you and all of us as you make your way with your own traditions.” And she responded “yes, you are really the easiest parent of adult children I’ve ever met. You are good about not putting pressure on people.” So Bingo.

Yes, this! My MIL was determined that my kids be interested in what she was interested in. She loved scrapbooking so she would gift scrapbooking stuff and then get offended people weren’t excited. When my dd was interested in something she was into-quilting- my dd was so excited to do it with her and then my MIL was so critical/bossy she ruined it. Even if I am cringing inside I will let my grandkids lead. If we are cooking and they want to get creative and ruin it have at it. I’ll offer to buy pizza later if people are still hungry. I’m just going to go with it.

Not sure but I am determined not to be a meddling critical MIL and I think that is the first step. I already am super flexible with my adult kids about holidays and visits. I don’t pressure them but totally am available and love on them when they do come around. My MIL was always centered on how things made her feel or what she wanted to do or where or when she wanted to eat, whether she was being treated fairly and getting equal time, etc. I think remembering it is not about ME and that I can catch more bees with with honey than vinegar or whatever they saying is…LOL. So far I’m doing really well with that with my adult boys and their serious girlfriends so hopefully I can lay the foundation. As far as how to nurture the specific relationships that is probably going to be reactionary to the kids/grandkids and their lifestyles and wants and needs and how they feel best supported. I’m ready to flex to them.

I was going to say that an offer letter is probably what you need to ask for from your employer and should be enough for a lease if you can pay. That is what my kids have done.

Totally agree that downsizing is hard! We went from four kids at home to just one left at home (and while it’s always possible it doesn’t look like any of the three will return). So on paper it seems so obvious we really should be able to downsize. It was still really hard. In the end we are about 300 sq Ft smaller but a much better layout. Our kitchen was the biggie and I’m still working out storage for that. I’m really happy. Our house is so much better for us in nearly every way (except kitchen storage!) but it was not easy to find and had this not come through we did not have a good #2 option in mind even after looking at almost 30 houses. It is hard! I hope this works out and you are happy with it.

The house we just bought conveyed with a nice children’s play set in the back and a fabulous little playhouse. It’s two stories and furnished with curtains and even has solar power lights. These things were in the contract so we expected them to be left. We don’t have little kids and we might get rid of the play set if we don’t have grandkids soon but we will keep the playhouse always. It’s awesome. I only mention all that to explain that there is an electronic toy guitar on the platform of the play set. We found it when we first moved in and it’s been three weeks and it is still sitting there and I’ve made no moves to get rid of it. We’ve talked about it. Everyone that visits the house says “is that a toy guitar?” And still it sits. So now we will just see how long it stays there I guess.

Empty liquor bottles tucked way up high in the back of the linen closet.

Yeah I hear you. But I definitely don’t live my life with all the what ifs like that. I honestly don’t have the mental bandwidth. I’d get to the end of the home buying process and have no where to live and a moving truck packed and ready to unload and yes, I would absolutely close on the house and move on with my life and deal with the items. I don’t disagree that your way is more prudent. I just don’t think it is the way most people will do it. In the specific case, I would have not let him in the house and called the police. I also am someone that lets neighbor kids cut through my yard even though I know they could get hurt and sue me. And all those kinds of what ifs. I realize I am wrong from the side of protecting myself from every possibility but I honestly just don’t have the mental bandwidth to live that way. I don’t think it is wrong that you do. Your way is more prudent for sure.

The very first house we bought when we were just 25 yo we bought from an older lady who was selling the home that she had owned for many years. Her adult son (mid forties?) had been living in it but he was an addict and I guess he had been given an ultimatum to get his life together or she would be selling the house he was living in. Well, she listed the house and we bought it and we showed up at closing to a very sad lady who really didn’t want to sell the house. It was all very strange and sad. Anyways, there was stuff left behind. Odd furniture and lawn stuff. The family had owned a gas station for many years and there were vintage signs from the old gas station that had been left in the storage shed. We had kept them there. Then three years after we bought the home there was a storm and a tree fell on the shed and destroyed the signs so we got rid of them. Of course then the guy knocked on my door and asked for them. I explained what happened but I wasn’t sure he believed me. He was very upset not to be able to get the signs. It was weird. Another time, before that, the guy had showed up to make amends with me as part of his recovery. Of course I had never met the guy so not sure why making amends with me was part of his recovery but I let him do it on my front steps. Then he came back later for the signs. Even with that strange experience I still wouldn’t hold up closing on a house over some odd items left behind. Lol.

When we just sold/bought. I had a junk company come to get all the last bits of things out. I hated to toss all the old paint cans because I would want to know how to match paint but I didn’t want them to come back after walk through and complain about paint cans and then I was in a pickle trying to dispose of them in a crunch. But I did leave the extra siding/roofing/flooring we had. Surely they would want that to match in case of needed repair? So yes, the contract said “empty” but I did make a judgement call and leave that stuff and they didn’t complain. Likewise we wrote our contract for our house to be emptied of all personal belongings. They left a bench on the front porch and a couple of doormats. And I was glad to find the old paint can for what the whole interior of the house is painted 🙂 I wouldn’t have dreamed of making the people come get the stuff. Moving is just an absolute royal pain in the butt for buyers and sellers. There will be inconveniences and bumps and you gotta kind of roll with things some. And it is totally normal to leave things that do go with the house and I don’t think we have ever bought and not found some odd item/items that somehow got left behind.

I’d need a reason to mount it. It’s fine where it is. What is the motivation to mount it? Is there a plan for the space it frees up? I wouldn’t mount it just to mount it. I don’t think it looks better or improves the viewing experience. Ours is mounted now because it is over a fireplace. I’ve seen it mounted in a corner of a room where there was no where else to really put it. But I wouldn’t mount it if there wasn’t a reason. But that is just me.

As the mom to a 10th grade girl (who is in private school now but was homeschooled K-8) we have to work through how to handle these things in a way that is proportionate to the circumstance while maintaining her dignity and boundaries and ability to speak up for herself. Somethings you just let go, some you just call out, sometimes you get the adults involved. We’ve done all three, including a sexual harassment complaint that resulted in discipline for a classmate. So I am not suggesting that the girl should tolerate a boy treating her badly. Girls do need to learn to advocate for themselves. Minus more information I think this mom was over the top but maybe there are missing pieces here. Maybe the mom has been coaching the girl and maybe she did try to speak up for herself and the boy just didn’t really hear it. Or maybe the girl has been taking it from multiple people and the mom got frustrated and just started sending texts to all the offenders. We never really know everything about a situation (not saying the OP isn’t being transparent just that there is always more to people’s situations). I just think usually parental intervention with kids at this age just makes things worse. The kids maybe could have worked it out and been friends but now the moms are involved and now it is a thing. But it is better than if the mom called the school and got the school involved! edit: actually maybe it isn’t a thing now that the moms are involved. Usually that is what I see but I can also see that not everyone would be that way. I admit that I would be a mom that would not like the confrontation but I admit others handle that better than I do!

Oh and you asked what to say to the mom- I’d just say “thanks for the info. I’ll deal with it.” I have found that it is not helpful to be overly apologetic or open yourself up to more criticism or commentary on your child’s behavior. And the other mom really doesn’t need to know your thoughts or how you are dealing with it.

Ugh. I think your ds is probably acting within norms. Doesn’t mean that it is nice or ideal but I don’t think he is bad or should be in trouble or anything. This seems pretty normal to me and even flirtatious depending on the kids involved. So could be mean or neutral or opposite of mean. I think the girl maybe was embarrassed or maybe liked it at first and then changed her mind or maybe was neutral and then changed her mind or any combination. I have a 15 yo dd. I could see her riding the range of emotions on this including it being totally fine jokey jokey and then her having a bad day and coming home and getting off the bus and saying this boy is awful and has been hurting her feelings and embarrassing her all year. I think the mom texting you as the girl’s first way of handling it is over the top. If the girl really never told him to knock it off and this is the first step to deal with it I think the mom just escalated unnecessarily. I would be very annoyed by that and tell my kid to steer clear of girl and I wouldn’t want to deal with the mom again. I think that is a big overreaction at that age unless there is more to this story. Basically I would review with ds that any joke someone doesn’t like fails to be a joke and to try to be aware of such things. I would tell him to not joke with this girl at all any more.