s/o who here has gone from wimp to confident when dealing with confrontation?

[Cricket]

Just this morning I got an earful from a lady. I had to call her regarding a business matter. She got mad at me because I called her and woke her up at 9:15 this morning. What I wanted to say is that if you don't want people waking you up at normal business hours, then turn off your phone!!! Of course, I didn't say that. Then she was upset with me because she said I called the wrong phone number. It was her dh's cell number I called and not her. She went on and on. By the time I was off the phone I was the one upset and actually cried afterward. All I was doing was trying to tell her we would be closed later today and was letting her know where I was putting her information so she could find it. ANYWAY, I shouldn't have been upset by this phone call but I was. I got a little snarky back and I shouldn't have. I tend to get defensive when confronted instead of listening to the person and not taking it personally I guess.

 

So, if you deal with confrontation better now than you did before, how did you do it?!

Edited April 11, 2009 by Cricket

[Catherine]

In my work must often deal with emotionally charged situations of all kinds and it was only through long practice, and watching how more experienced people handled it, that I grew into my own.

 

I think the first, and hardest, principle is to keep your emotional distance. Don't allow the accusations\emotions of the other people become your own-don't take them on. People rightly can feel all kinds of things but that is not your problem. Save your reflections on your own feelings\character for another time, when you are alone.

 

FWIW I think handling situations where you ARE responsible for something not going well, and you take responsibility for it and deal with the fallout are particularly helpful. Another growth opportunity! But still, it is critical to handle the fallout with some emotional distance. Even if a tragedy happened, and you were actually responsible, becoming emotional is not helpful to yourself or anyone else. Just find a way to keep reminding yourself that you are not going to break down. Do that later, when you're by yourself.

[elegantlion]

I run at a pretty even keel and can handle stuff if I *KNOW* it's coming, like having to make a difficult phone call,etc. It's when I am blindsided I turn awful.

 

Just this morning as a matter of fact. I already didn't feel well and had to deal with a slew of miscommunication on something for our house. I was doing fine until I got information that a 3rd party had told the person I was talking to something totally erroneous and slanderous about my family. I LOST it. Fortunately my dh came home and dealt with while I crawled back into the house and went back to bed, so much for dealing with it well. :confused: I did apologize to the person I was talking with as they were only stuck in the middle, but I'm sure they'll go back and tell the other person I am b**chy.

 

Generally my dh will deal with things that cause me high stress. He's much more level headed than me, but this was an out of the blue thing and I felt like a lion that had been crept up on.

 

- if my phone ringing wakes me up I don't answer unless I know who it is and want to talk. That's what voice mail is for.

[HFClassicalAcademy]

I've become so much more confrontational than before I had kids. If someone is disrespectful to me...I tend to lose it! It's like my brain thinks..."I wouldn't let my kids talk like that to me; I sure as H**L am not going to let some random person talk that way to me either!"

 

But perhaps it's also being pregnant. I tend to get a little overboard with hormones! Just recently a lady got out of her car, came up to my car window, and started cussing and yelling at me because I honked at her (she was parked in a no parking zone at the Y and blocking traffic because she was waiting to pick up her kids). You can bet your little knickers that I gave her a piece of my mind (kids had to put on the earplugs at this point!) for talking to me that way. Not only that, but my little pregnant self threatened to kick her behind if she laid one finger on my person or car! She immediately went back to her car and moved. Ok....so that situation was a little extreme and I got in trouble with DH for not having more sense. You know...a pregnant woman with a van full of kids getting into a verbal fight with someone??? :001_smile:

 

But you know, some people walk around being confident that they can go around pushing people and no one will stand up to them. It's just a scary world we live in and I have to remember that there are a lot of crazies out there.

 

But I do pray for the patience I feel I used to have!

 

Liz in NC

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've become more "motherly". I will tell someone clearly but in a no-nonsense way - "I'm sorry I woke you but I called what I was told was a business phone number. If this is not the case then please let me know. But if you want my business then you need to treat me much more politely." or if I misunderstood your post and the business in question was your business then "I called to let you know our business hours for your convenience. If you do not want this courtesy please let me know and I will take you off our list."

 

I have gotten much better at telling people calmly but with some emphasis that I am angry when I am. All of this is the same way that I deal with things with my tween so maybe it's helpful on a couple of fronts!

[Peek a Boo]

would you believe I used to be a shy little wallflower in high school?

 

I've come a long way to being the chew-out-the-planning-and-zoning-board gal that i am now. :D

 

and yeah, honestly, a lot of that had to do w/PRACTICE at handling stupid snarky situations. Try working at a gas station as a clerk-- that'll give you a LOT of practice, lol!

i do have to say i have learned a lot by following discussions *here*- kinda like trial runs of a scenario...

 

good luck!

[LaxMom]

would you believe I used to be a shy little wallflower in high school?

 

Not even with video proof. :D

 

I found working in a call center was great training for the type of phone call you had this morning. I honed the ability to respond to the tirade with dead silence. When the ranting person finally realized they hadn't had a response, and started saying "hello?", I would ask them if they were feeling ready for me to help them yet. In the case of your call, I would simply wait for that point, deliver my message, and wish them a good day.

 

There's no point in trying to get a word in edgewise with someone on a rant. It just provokes them further.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry your day started like this. Some people are just rude.

[Rosie_0801]

I used to hide in the cupboard at brownies so no one could talk to me. :)

 

The thing about confidence is that if you fake it long enough, it becomes habit and one day you realise you aren't faking any more, you just are. This is not to say that you might not go home after some particularly nasty confrontation and cry, I do on occasion. It doesn't stop me getting into the confrontation to begin with though, if I feel it's necessary.

 

Rosie

[Heather in Savannah]

I used to work for a government agency, and had to take my turn on the phones. I would get people ranting...so angry they would speak in their native language....I even received a death threat! I would let them know that I would speak with them when they were ready to have a calm discussion. They would begin ranting....I would put the phone down on my desk, and then wait to hear the "hello, hello...are you there" comments. I would pick the phone back up, ask them if they were ready for an adult conversation. If they began to rant again, I would put the phone down...this could go on for quite some time. I'll even admit that at times after 20 minutes or so, I would hang up on them. They would call back and I would give them the option of a sane conversation or a hang up. I usually won.:thumbup: Now, I am a wimp in terms of dealing with confrontation when I care about the person. There is so much more at stake. kwim

[Paz]

About 5 years ago we moved but my dh still was working in our previous state so he was gone a good amount of the time. Many of the things I would ask him to do, I had to do myself so I became much more assertive. It did not all go well. Once I got thrown out of a dentist office for refusing to get an x-ray. The hygenist insisted that if I didn't get one I couldn't see the dentist. I had just had one a few weeks before at our dentist before we moved and I was not sure if it was safe to get one again. She couldn't tell me if it was safe and wouldn't let me see the dentist unless I got one. I questioned her, insisted that I talk to the dentist, and when she wouldn't let me I told her I'd have to leave. I also work for my brother and do a lot of customer service so I am used to dealing with conflicts. I do try to realize that the customer is always right and be nice and try to resolve their problems but sometimes when they are being irrational I need to be firm to help them see what the situation is and what is in my power and not in my power to change.

[Peela]

Yeah, like the others said- practice.

And I have had plenty- with my dh! He is about as confrontational as you can get, he thrives on it. Its actually (although sometimes annoying) a great quality because you always know where you stand with him. But I had to learn to stand up for myself, or get bulldozed. So, I learned form him.

I don't always find it easy though. I have a girlfriend at the moment that I am avoiding because I dont want to confront her. It probably wont do any good anyway. She just complains a lot, and has done for years, and I am tired of our friendship being based on supporting her continual problems- and its because she refuses to be assertive. I jsut want to kick her and shake her and tell her to get angry with her ex instead of being so nice and then whinging to her friends. But instead of telling her, I am just avoiding her.

In learning how to be more assertive though, I have tended to go to extremes. When I am boiling and know I needto say something- many times it has come out just too strong because once I cross that inner boundary, too much force comes out. But over time I have got a bit better at saying what I think in the moment, then it doesnt build up.

 

My husband keeps telling me, that I think is true, is that its all about not caring so much what other people think of you. We tell ourselves its about caring for them, we dont want to hurt their feelings, but its rarely that- or that is only a small part. Its caring what they think of us, not wanting to be seen as aggressive, as not-nice. So, its ego based passivity, not coming from a compassionate space. Compassion is clear and direct, and it takes care of oneself as much as the other person.

[G5052]

I've been a part-time college professor for ten years, and of course students give professors a hard time. A few have been booted out of my classes too, because I don't put up with open disrespect and/or if I think they're drunk. I also don't give makeup assignments without a documented excuse, which is extremely rare. Usually they want mercy without any proof on their end. I've never lost my temper with a class or student either.

 

And my mother has dementia and is prone to getting verbally abusive, so I have hung up probably a dozen times over the last two or three years (i.e. Mom, you're not speaking to me with respect and I don't like your words, so I'm now hanging up.) Her memory problems are so bad now she usually doesn't remember even doing that.

 

Life!

[Pajama Mama]

I used to be a doormat. I was afraid to complain. I was "the peacemaker" growing up. I kept everyone getting along-which shouldn't have been the job of a 10 yr old girl. I was like that as an adult as well. Then I had a child with multiple disabilities...

 

Dealing with jerky doctors, rude receptionists and condesending nurses cured me of being wimpy. I HAD to speak up for my son. I was his advocate. My son's first neurologist had written him off at less than a year old. She essential did a couple tests and then stopped looking for a cause of his problems. She then insulted dh and I when we asked if ds's vaccinations could have caused his issues. We were expecting another baby soon and didn't want her to suffer the same problems. She told us it wasn't the vaccines but if "we were looking to sue and get some money" that there was a compensation fund. Um-no. We never took our son to her again.

 

I often say that my special needs child is the reason that "I grew up." I now have no problem speaking up when it is necessary:)

Edited April 12, 2009 by Pajama Mama

[Rosie_0801]

My husband keeps telling me, that I think is true, is that its all about not caring so much what other people think of you. We tell ourselves its about caring for them, we dont want to hurt their feelings, but its rarely that- or that is only a small part. Its caring what they think of us, not wanting to be seen as aggressive, as not-nice. So, its ego based passivity, not coming from a compassionate space. Compassion is clear and direct, and it takes care of oneself as much as the other person.

 

Mm. Sometimes it's in someone's best interests to do things that will hurt their feelings. A lot of issues don't get resolved because no one is willing to do that.

 

Rosie

[Sharon H in IL]

We tell ourselves its about caring for them, we dont want to hurt their feelings, but its rarely that- or that is only a small part. Its caring what they think of us, not wanting to be seen as aggressive, as not-nice. So, its ego based passivity, not coming from a compassionate space. Compassion is clear and direct, and it takes care of oneself as much as the other person.

 

I'm going to print this out and hang it on my bathroom mirror, Peela. Brilliant.

[Peela]

Mm. Sometimes it's in someone's best interests to do things that will hurt their feelings. A lot of issues don't get resolved because no one is willing to do that.

 

Rosie

 

 

Yes, exactly.