titles?

[LibraryLover]

  :001_smile:

 

 

[Ria]

I did totally lose it the other day & called him ungrateful, self centered, lazy etc. Yeah. I know- very helpful and very mature of me.

 

On the contrary. It sounds like he totally deserved to hear what you were saying. He's 15, not 5. He's certainly old enough to hear that he's acting like a spoiled brat. :lol:

 

It does strike me, from reading your post, that your son is allowed to say pretty much whatever he wants to (forgive me if I misunderstood...that's how it sounded). Perhaps some rules of civility might be in order. He doesn't have to say whatever comes to mind, he can be polite and respectful or he can be silent, he can do chores without griping, etc. Of course, along with these rules would have to be consequences for non-compliance....

 

Ria

[Adrianne]

((Laurie))

 

I don't have teens but I seen my friends going through similar things. I have observed though and start to see with my 10yo ds, that the teenage years are similar to the young ages. They are emotionally unstable and EVERYTHING is a big deal.

 

I was chuckling to myself when reading your paragraph about how he hates everything you make and weekly it changes. I was thinking, he sounds a lot like my ds, now 6, when he was around 4 or 5. Every week it was a different food he hated, usually followed with, "Oh mom, I hate ---- didn't you know that?"

 

When I was in that tumultuous age my dad was very stable,he would listen and give his advice. My mom very unstable - emotionally reacting to everything I did. I still have issues with my mom. My dad and I get along great, in fact my dad lives with dh and I. (or we live with him?)

 

I think you should just be there for your son, be his rock. Don't react emotionally to his reacting emotionally. Like, you dh, don't tolerate disrespect or rule breaking. Remember he is your son and you love him. Right now he needs to know that most of all.

 

HTH!

[LibraryLover]

You are all so sweet.

 

[LibraryLover]

((Laurie))

 

 

When I was in that tumultuous age my dad was very stable,he would listen and give his advice. My mom very unstable - emotionally reacting to everything I did. I still have issues with my mom. My dad and I get along great, in fact my dad lives with dh and I. (or we live with him?)

 

I think you should just be there for your son, be his rock. Don't react emotionally to his reacting emotionally. Like, you dh, don't tolerate disrespect or rule breaking. Remember he is your son and you love him. Right now he needs to know that most of all.

 

HTH!

 

Thank you.

[jonesloonybin]

I wish I had some advice. I am going through the SAME thing with my dd (13). And anytime she is in trouble and we are trying to discuss what she did wrong, she breaks out with something totally off topic. Ex: She asked me to help her with her hair (which I do not like to do because she is never happy with what I do). So I do my best and I am trying to talk to her and ask her "how do you like this?" "Is this flipped out enough?" etc. Well, she freaks out and starts crying and saying it is all frizzy and poofy. So I calmly ask her "what do you mean poofy? where is it poofy at?" She rubs her hands all over her head, while screaming "ALL OVER". So I get a brush and try to brush it down and she screams at me to just get out. By then I am really hurt and starting to raise my voice. A bit later she and I are arguing in her room about how she is acting and she is glaring at me and blurts out that she hates it here because everyone is always sad, mad, or grumpy. That is it depressing here. I find this totally off base. My dh and I are just quiet homebodies. But majority of the time we are in good moods. Or she will start out with the "I want to live with my dad and you ruined my life and my bio dad is my "one and only real dad". It is really hurtful and I just don't know what to do.

 

As with you, every time I ask her to do her chores (Feed the dog, etc.) she huffs and puffs and stomps around. I am trying to keep my cool but IT IS HARD. I too have broke down and told her she is acting like a selfish brat and that she is rude and such. I am at a loss. Hopefully someone can help us.

 

As far as a relationship with my mother...she died when I was 19. We were not close but I don't think it had anything to do with yelling. She just wasn't there. She worked a lot and spent all the rest of her time with my brother.

[katemary63]

Hi, I've only read bits and pieces of the replies but here's my experience. My DS22 was a very difficult child from day 14. ( The first 2 weeks were awesome! LOL) His teen years particularily so, of course. It was him - NOT US. We are not perfect, but HE was contrary and difficult for the sole purpose of being contrary and difficult. He also had ADD and at the time, I did not understand much about that.

 

He is one of those kids who had to learn EVERYTHING the hard way and for himself in spite of wise council and good advice. Even as a boy - "Don't touch that, it's hot and you will get burned." He touched. He cried. He probably touched BECAUSE I told him not to. UGH!

 

Anyway, DH and I made a decision. We purposed to love him. We said, "I love you" at every interaction we had with him, good or bad. We never stopped saying it and we never stopped meaning it, even when sometimes we didn't like him very much. Sometimes we handled his issues well with "zen" as some say and other times I screamed bloody murder! ( If I lost my temper, I ALWAYS apologized for the loss of it, while still holding HIM accountable for HIS end.)

 

We did some things right and some things wrong. But we never fell out of communication with him, although we did have to practice tough love with him and issue a few ultimatums. They were always done with love and he knew it. He would be mad, but get over it. We never gave in to his anger. We just prayed and stayed the course and said, "I love you" over and over again. We did a lot of praying and crying over the years.

 

Fast forward this past February. He turned 22 on the 20th. My DD8 did a project for valentines day. She asked each family member to list their top 3 favorite things about every other family member. I had to ask DS twice and specify that this was not a joke and to please take it seriously since his little sister was doing a school project with it. ( She made a nice card for everyone with a list of all the comments.) Anyway, he sent his back. Under Mom and Dad he listed the exact same 3 characteristics.

 

Understanding

Forgiving

Loving

 

We both cried.

 

Yesterday, he moved back in with us after being out of the house for 4 years. He is still going to school and doing well. He treats us with respect ( most of the time - he still struggles, but will apologize when confronted.) and has thanked us for putting up with him. And he LOVES us. He says it everyday. What a joy to hear it!

 

Stay the course, don't give in to anger, do what you think is right and do it out of love. Be humble and appologize when it is warrented. Don't ever stop communicating with him or telling him that you love him - no matter what he does. He will love you back someday. God Bless.

[dhudson]

My oldest is almost 11 so I don't have any great words of wisdom but I do remember my parents telling me that they would not listen to my words of disrespect and when I could come back and speak to them in a reasonable tone and manner they would be glad to listen to me.

 

I have also seen this in action with friends with older kids. A 16 yr was telling my friend that she didn't like a certain food her Mom had made in an abrasive confrontive tone and her Mom just calmly turned to her and said, " I don't appreciate how you are talking to me and if you can come back and talk to me appropriately then maybe we can work something out." The teen came back within five min and said reasonably, "Mom, I really don't like that food, may I make myself something else?" and the Mom said, "Sure, I don't think that will problem." and they both moved on. I sat there and just watched in awe. I was reminded of me telling my pre-schoolers at the time, "Mommy doesn't listen to whining, please say that again in a right tone of vioce."

 

I wouldn't allow the disrespect but would try to work something out if said with respect and appropriate tone. Oh, although the chores WOULD get done before any privileges were allowed.

[MommyJo]

I hold a lot against my parents! My parents divorced when I was 15 and ruined everything for me. I guess I was being selfish but since it was because they both had another "friend" on the side, I feel like it's kind of their fault. They could have made it work. They divorced and because my dad messed my mom over in the divorce and left her nothing basically, I was left moving to and fro. My teen years were horrible and what's worse, my mother still blames me for my teenage behavior!

[Adrianne]

Thank you. I am very afraid that I seem emotionally unstable when I'm challenged this way. My dh reacts much better, and is more of a rock kind of person. I have a role in this and I want to change my role to more of a rock. I know my son understands what upsets me and he does use that edge. He knows I will melt if he says something mean, and then I know he's mad ar himself for it afterwards. He doesn't show much self control, but he's 15 not 40 something, and I need to model more of it.

 

 

I must be hard for you. It is not easy when someone is being nasty to you, especially someone you love very much. It must hurt a great deal. In a way he does deserve some of what you are saying to him. But like you said, he is 15, you are 40 something....

 

Just remind yourself, you are his mother, you love him and are doing what is best for him and try to leave the room or bite your knuckle when he gets this way. (and you can use it against him when he is older, he-he) But again don't tolerate disrespect or rule breaking.

 

FWIW, when my kids gets emotionally crazy, (in a 6yo way), I hug him and tell him that I love him very much. I also find that spending one on one time with them doing things we both enjoy helps discipline problems. In our family it is usually video games but we also like to roller blade. Even sharing a liked book and discussing it makes a difference. Finding that common ground can be hard but it is well worth it.

[lynn]

I remember saying stupid things to my mom and dad for absolutely no reason. Sometimes teens just want to hear themselves talk. One of the advantages in today's technical world, you can record your kid and let him hear what exactly he sounds like. We did this once with my son. He was embarrassed by what he sounded like and he has watched it ever since. Your son will not blame you for his teen years that he feels are so harsh. I feel bad for some of the things I said and did towards my parents. Now I get to experience this with own child:tongue_smilie::001_huh:. We keep to the rule if you can't be kind either don't talk or find your way to your room. I make it clear that I want him to be out with the family and participate in whatever we are doing but I will not allow whining, complaining, name calling to his brothers, back talking etc. He's matured out of most of it. Now if he something comes out of his mouth that shouldn't I just point him to his room and he knows to stop or leave, his choice and to my amazement he chooses to stop and stay.

[Frelle]

Laurie: My parents did not use AP with me, but I use it with my kids. I will admit to being more of a user of punishment then some. My oldest was a high need baby, is a high maintenance girl, and is near to or on the autism spectrum (aspergers). She has issues with sensory modulation within having sensory processing disorder.. and she is entering puberty early.

 

She is only 9, and is my oldest, but is a HARD child. I have not walked in your shoes in regard to having older children. I HAVE walked in your shoes in screaming so much my throat hurt, collapsing in tears, using the F word... she is able to bring out the absolute worst in me.

 

I have found the book The Explosive Child by Roy W Greene to be very helpful. I wonder if it wouldnt help you get through this season in parenting too. I dont have much else to offer besides commiseration!

 

My parents were not too permissive and not too structured/authoritarian. I did not throw fits about food or clothes, I did throw fits about curfew, phone usage, and time with boyfriend. My worst arguments with my folks happened in my late teens when Iw as dating an abusive and controlling guy, but they were never ugly to me even when we fought. There has been no lasting damage in our relationship because of the fights we did have, though. The one time my mom slapped me across the face was because I badmouthed my father. I remember it certainly, but do not hold it against her. She never yelled at me, and never slapped me again.

Edited March 30, 2009 by Frelle

[Sharon H in IL]

A couple of book recommendations: Gordon Neufeld's Hold On to Your Kids and How to Really Love Your Teen by Ross Campbell.

 

Great advice from other posters.

 

Katemary, your post had me tearing up. How wonderful, especially considering how difficult a childhood you had that you've shared about on this board. Kudos to you and DS.

[AnnetteW]

:grouphug:

 

Hang in there. Pray, pray, and keep praying. Growing up is hard and especially in the world that we live in. As parents we have to keep doing what's right no matter how difficult.

 

Annette

[Happy]

Keep picturing how you want this young man to look and act like as an adult. Imagine a 20 year old doing what he is doing. Imagine a 40 year old. Not pretty. They make lousy husbands, employees, worse bosses, and fathers.

 

Some of what you are talking about is simply rotten habits. Speaking politely takes more thinking and control. It's easier to be blunt.

 

Not doing his own laundry? Fine, but you can't ride in the car without clean clothes on. So sorry. :D

 

Getting your own way all the time isn't healthy. Set up boundaries...laundry will be done by Thursday before bedtime or you lose TV priveledges all weekend. Not eating what's fixed for supper? I'm sorry, breakfast is at seven.

 

Not speaking with grace, tact, and politeness, then be SILENT for several hours. This can be a huge issue in our house, it takes practice to make it work!

 

I believe we train people in how to treat us. If we are being treated with disrespect, we need to stand up for ourselves. I'm guilty of trying too hard to keep the peace around here. When I crack the whip so to speak, even if there is grumbling, at least I know *I'm* happy. ;)

 

FWIW...both my parents and my dh's parents were strict, very strict. As a parent now, I appreciate the fear and sense of responsibility that drove them to set the boundaries they did. Neither of us ever felt unloved. Just the opposite. I find as my boys have matured, I wish I'd been both harder and gentler with them. It's a tough balance to find and some kids make it extremely tough.

[elise1mds]

No advice as a mom of a teen, but I remember being a lot like your son in my teen years. I was very hurtful to my parents, and I got pretty much what I deserved. I was not treated like one of the 'family' for a long time. My parents were not horrible authoritarians, but they did not accept my behavior. If I didn't get up for breakfast, I didn't eat. If I wanted friends over, I had to clean my room. If I was mean to them, I went to my room and stayed there till I was ready to be respectful. That last one is the only one that backfired. I spent my waking hours either gone (school, work since I had two jobs, tae kwon do, friends - the end) or in my room. We did not communicate. I was not a bad child in the sense that I did obey curfew and had perfect grades, but I was extremely disrespectful and not at all what my parents wanted or probably deserved. A lot of it was hormonal, I discovered later, and a lot of my teen years are also very fuzzy because of that. My parents and I fought a lot, especially my dad and I. My mother is of a softer nature and didn't really know how to handle me, so I mowed her down and just did what I wanted, regardless. She turns to me for advice now because she knows I'll give her the tough love she's wanting (her mother has the same personality I do). My father and I finally had it out when I decided to get engaged the week I turned 18 and got married that summer... it took a week before he'd look me in the eye again. In the end - and by end, I mean the age of 22 or so - I grew up and realized that if they could forgive me for all the bad behavior, sass, and ignoring that I used to dish out to them, that I could do the same. As I said, my mom now calls me for advice, and my dad and I are good, adult friends.

 

Good luck!!! On a lot of levels, I don't look foward to my own kids being teens some day. They're difficult now as it is.

[Soph the vet]

I do not have teens yet. However, I do resent that my parents let me live without boundaries. I got great grades and as long as that was happening I could pretty much do whatever I wanted. I needed the security of having limits put on who my friends were, what I would wear, what behavior would be tolerated, and that never happened. Thankfully, God got to me as a young adult and turned my life around.

 

Make it clear to your son that you love him and that he will live under your rules while he is with you. Then you need to spell those rules out to him. Keep them simple like "please expect to eat whatever the family is eating for dinner". "Expect to do your laundry weekly". Etc, etc. Keep in mind you are doing him a huge favor by making him a more pleasant person for the rest of us out here.:D

[Sara R]

I have no teen-raising experience, and I was an easy-going teen, so take the following with a big grain of salt.

 

I heard some advice from the Dave Ramsey show, of all places. He said that teens were weird because they either sound like they are 30 or 2. They have moments of great maturity, and other moments when they are a toddler. He said he would actually ask his kids before he talked to them, which one he was talking too. (I'm not sure how well that would work in real life...) If they are in a mature frame of mind, they would have a reasonable discussion. But if they were acting like a toddler, he would parent accordingly.

 

It seemed like a useful way to look at the situation.

[wagnfun]

I mean, do you still hate them? :001_smile: I am finding 15 to be a tough nut. I find myself angry that this teen has to crank about everything. It's my third child and I have never had such a tough nut. Nothing is right, even food is weird. Things he used to like he now 'hates'. Yesterday i was told he hates chciken, He also hates lasagna, chicken soup, vegetable soup, salad. Basically, if it's not pasta, he hates it. He hates that I want him to do his laundry once a week. Pretty much we're stupid and mean and unfair and blah blah blah. If i don't ask him to do anything, it's better. I find myself asking more of the other children. That's wrong, I know.

 

I am trying to be all Zen, but I did take computer privs away for a day, which backefired...he was like "I don't care'. I did totally lose it the other day & called him ungrateful, self centered, lazy etc. Yeah. I know- very helpful and very mature of me. I think I mostly hold it together...try to empathize, try to see the world through his eyes, try to give him space, try to listen. It seems that one day is great, but the next day it all falls apart for him. A simple reminder to feed his cat can turn into a tantrum about he always has to do everything. As I mentioned, yesterday he was upset because we were eating roasted chicken for dinner. He ended up making himself Annies Mac & Cheese. When did he start hating roasted chicken? "I've always hated it! You don't even know me!"

 

I know some of you strict parents would be all over his bum and not allow it, so I realize I am opening myself up to something here....lol I won't be all mad when you tell me stuff...I am all Zen today.

 

There is no hitting, no throwing stuff...not like that. But lots of verbal tantrums on his part, lots of complaining, and with me sometimes getting all hurt and upset back. My dh is much better than I am. Very calm. He doesn't tke any of this personally, and he has had a very stern convo with him about respect. But he also said that if he says even one more negative word or whines about haring dinner, he will take take his cell phone for a month, and then take it for two months. My dh has never laid a hand on the kids, and he's never been much for punishment (we have a grown child and another older teen). This is new ground and I am rather concerned about our relationship with our child, now and for the future.

 

So disect my parenting skills, or lack of, but also add whether you are close to your parents today. What do you wish they had done.

 

PS I see this is rambling...but if I go back and edit, I will delete it and I really need some thoughts from people who have been down this road.

 

I read the replies and unless i missed it, I'm kind of surprise no one has suggested what I am going tosay.. Im sry if I miss understood something but what I got was that this 15 yr old is living in your house w/ free internet & free phone service but has TONS of attitude acting like you own him?

 

The law states you must cloth, feed & keep their basic needs met. Internet, which he claims the "don't care" attitude & phone are NOT basic needs. I'd cut them off. I'd adapt the eat it or go hungry method many of us did when our kids were younger (unless you know for fact it is something he has never liked). If he drives, I'd stop that now, it all changes once they drive. I'd remove the door from his bedroom. He can change in the bathroom, basically I'd cut his life down to BARE BASICS and start over. He has been given privledges of an older responsible child, with the being responsible part. How does that work? Hubby can't collect a paycheck w/o working...

 

I've also ALWAYS taken the stand w/ my kids, its NOT what you say, its how you say it. I welcome any opinion they have as long as it is said with respect. When my 12 yr old boy got out of line a few times to much it only took one ANGRY situation with dad telling him to NEVER speak two his wife like that again for the boy to get back in line (99.9% of the time).

 

Does he do anything physically active? With my teen boy I can tell when his body has been dormat for a while, a good lawn mowing, pool cleaning, car washing or ivy cutting helps A LOT.

 

Reward anything good you see. A little atta boy goes a long way with teens.

 

When my older teen was growing up, I'd be known to put I love you notes under her pillow now & then. She never said anything to me about them, but recently 4 years later- I saw them all in a box in her desk.

 

Hang in there mom. He will come back to you over time, until then just count the days until you can smile when he comes to you with parenting issues of his own!!

[Jenny in Florida]

I mean, do you still hate them? :001_smile:

 

I don't "hate" my parents, but I do struggle with some lingering anger at them.

 

In my case, though, it's all about what they didn't do. They were very laid-back in their parenting style, which didn't work well for me. Without clear boundaries, I never felt secure and, apparently, felt the need to constantly test the almost non-existent limits. It made for a rough few years.

 

At this point, I've had no contact with my parents for several years, but that didn't come directly out of my teen experiences.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Hi, I've only read bits and pieces of the replies but here's my experience. My DS22 was a very difficult child from day 14. ( The first 2 weeks were awesome! LOL) His teen years particularily so, of course. It was him - NOT US. We are not perfect, but HE was contrary and difficult for the sole purpose of being contrary and difficult. He also had ADD and at the time, I did not understand much about that.

 

He is one of those kids who had to learn EVERYTHING the hard way and for himself in spite of wise council and good advice. Even as a boy - "Don't touch that, it's hot and you will get burned." He touched. He cried. He probably touched BECAUSE I told him not to. UGH!

 

Anyway, DH and I made a decision. We purposed to love him. We said, "I love you" at every interaction we had with him, good or bad. We never stopped saying it and we never stopped meaning it, even when sometimes we didn't like him very much. Sometimes we handled his issues well with "zen" as some say and other times I screamed bloody murder! ( If I lost my temper, I ALWAYS apologized for the loss of it, while still holding HIM accountable for HIS end.)

 

We did some things right and some things wrong. But we never fell out of communication with him, although we did have to practice tough love with him and issue a few ultimatums. They were always done with love and he knew it. He would be mad, but get over it. We never gave in to his anger. We just prayed and stayed the course and said, "I love you" over and over again. We did a lot of praying and crying over the years.

 

Fast forward this past February. He turned 22 on the 20th. My DD8 did a project for valentines day. She asked each family member to list their top 3 favorite things about every other family member. I had to ask DS twice and specify that this was not a joke and to please take it seriously since his little sister was doing a school project with it. ( She made a nice card for everyone with a list of all the comments.) Anyway, he sent his back. Under Mom and Dad he listed the exact same 3 characteristics.

 

Understanding

Forgiving

Loving

 

We both cried.

 

Yesterday, he moved back in with us after being out of the house for 4 years. He is still going to school and doing well. He treats us with respect ( most of the time - he still struggles, but will apologize when confronted.) and has thanked us for putting up with him. And he LOVES us. He says it everyday. What a joy to hear it!

 

Stay the course, don't give in to anger, do what you think is right and do it out of love. Be humble and appologize when it is warrented. Don't ever stop communicating with him or telling him that you love him - no matter what he does. He will love you back someday. God Bless.

 

Thank you for this post. It brought a tear or two to my eyes. I am really struggling with my oldest and needed to be reminded to love him even though I don't like him (or myself) very much at the moment.

[swellmomma]

I do still hold some stuff against them, not the emotional freak outs my mom had, those for the most part I have forgotten. The stuff I hold against them is things like being told I deserved it when they found out my bf was abusing me, or telling me I ruined their lives, or that they wished I succeeded when I attempted suicide etc. Stuff like that I have never gotten over. The typical tears, words said in the moment are forgotten.

 

I am sure your son will take to heart what you said this time, but he will forgive and forget. As long as you are not constantly saying things like that to him the occasional time won't cause irrepairable harm to your relationship with him.

[LibraryLover]

Thank you all for these honest and helpful replies. My ds and I had a good talk this afternoon. I told him that we can learn from this experience and grow from it. He wasn't overly chatty, but what he said was thoughtful.

[Night Elf]

I'd have him evaluated by a psychologist or someone similar just to make sure there are no underlying issues before assuming it's simply behavior. I was recently diagnosed as bipolar and I'm 41. It so explains things that have happened to me all my life! I've gotten diagnoses of depression for years. This bipolar thing is new to me. :)

[Danestress]

Ugh, some kids are so hard at this age without doing anything all that terrible. My son wasn't drinking or out chasing girls (much) or failing classes or smoking. He just had this mouth ......

 

I have only two pieces of off the cuff advice. Keep your cool. Alway. No matter what. It will only make you a better, more grown-up person with more self-control. It's hard, but try. Some boys this age just really enjoy the power they feel when they get a rise out of Mom. If you start yelling and go into emotional collapse, he will feel like he won. Don't do it. Win. Winning means staying cool. I have decided that our mothers should have taught us to have self control, to master our emotions, to behave the way we want to behave and not be subject to unwanted tears. If our mothers fail to teach us this, our sons will do it later. That's my theory.

 

The second piece of advice is that no man or boy can resist adoration. A wise woman told me that, and every year, I see even more clearly how wise it was. You don't reward the bad behavior. You stand up to it every single time. I was really strict about what came out of my son's mouth, and believe me, a LOT came out of his mouth. I always ended up with the same rule. "In this home, each member treats all other members with respect and kindness. Always. Period."

 

But when you find a chance, show him true love. Ask his opinions about things. Take him out for coffee. Ask him what music to put on your MP3 player, what movie to see, how to download an audiobook. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Make his favorite dessert. Laugh at all his jokes no matter how stupid they are. When he has a ridiculous opinion, try not to argue with it. Just ask a follow-up question or something. Ask what snack food he wants when you are heading to the grocery. Watch him play a video game (if you have those) and act impressed. Figure out what his "love language is" and absolutely lavish him with love when you are in neutral territory.

 

When all else fails repeat the last line of his every sentence.

 

Him: "I hate this place. You all s@ck. I can't eat chicken."

 

You: "You can't eat chicken?"

 

Him: "I've always hated chicken. You don't even know me."

 

You: "I don't know you?"

 

It will feel really lame, but for some reason, it just really helps. I think it's hard to figure out what to say to an unreasonable kid, and this gives you something to say that shows you are listening, and prevents you from having to try to think of a rational response to an irrational person.

Edited March 31, 2009 by Danestress

[Tammy]

By not letting your teen do as they want.....is that what you are calling 'rough'......

 

If that is your definition.....then I can't imagine any teen holding that against his/her parents.

 

You are not trying to be your teens 'best friend'.....you are being their 'parent'.....I think a lot of parents get this confused.

 

.

[Guest janainaz]

It sounds to me like you have a decent balance - maybe I'm weird.

 

That age is tough, kids are out of their minds. I assimilate it to me having horrible, awful, get-the-holy-water PMS and I pray my family will have grace on me, I'm not very nice. There is a line of respect that should not be crossed, I think maybe a sense of humor tied in with not taking them too seriously is probably the best way to handle it. However, we all have our breaking points and a person can only take so much attitude. I see nothing wrong with letting your child know when you're at that place (and letting them know when enough is enough). An attitude totally going unchecked could become a habit. I feel like I give even myself too much permission to be grouchy and then blame it on my hormones. It's just unfair to others around you to continually act that way. So, I'd say - balance with a dose of "hey, I'm human, too...." mixed in with it hopefully will mean something to your son. Good luck!

[LibraryLover]

 

When all else fails repeat the last line of his ever sentence.

 

Him: "I hate this place. You all s@ck. I can't eat chicken."

 

You: "You can't eat chicken?"

 

Him: "I've always hated chicken. You don't even know me."

 

You: "I don't know you?"

 

It will feel really lame, but for some reason, it just really helps. I think it's hard to figure out what to say to an unreasonable kid, and this gives you something to say that shows you are listening, and prevents you from having to try to think of a rational response to an irrational person.

 

This made me laugh. A laugh I really, really needed. lol

[Adrianne]

Does he do anything physically active? With my teen boy I can tell when his body has been dormat for a while, a good lawn mowing, pool cleaning, car washing or ivy cutting helps A LOT.

 

Reward anything good you see. A little atta boy goes a long way with teens.

 

When my older teen was growing up, I'd be known to put I love you notes under her pillow now & then. She never said anything to me about them, but recently 4 years later- I saw them all in a box in her desk.

 

Hang in there mom. He will come back to you over time, until then just count the days until you can smile when he comes to you with parenting issues of his own!!

 

:iagree:

This sounds like great advice!

[katemary63]

Ugh, some kids are so hard at this age without doing anything all that terrible. My son wasn't drinking or out chasing girls (much) or failing classes or smoking. He just had this mouth ......

 

I have only two pieces of off the cuff advice. Keep your cool. Alway. No matter what. It will only make you a better, more grown-up person with more self-control. It's hard, but try. Some boys this age just really enjoy the power they feel when they get a rise out of Mom. If you start yelling and go into emotional collapse, he will feel like he won. Don't do it. Win. Winning means staying cool. I have decided that our mothers should have taught us to have self control, to master our emotions, to behave the way we want to behave and not be subject to unwanted tears. If our mothers fail to teach us this, our sons will do it later. That's my theory.

 

The second piece of advice is that no man or boy can resist adoration. A wise woman told me that, and every year, I see even more clearly how wise it was. You don't reward the bad behavior. You stand up to it every single time. I was really strict about what came out of my son's mouth, and believe me, a LOT came out of his mouth. I always ended up with the same rule. "In this home, each member treats all other members with respect and kindness. Always. Period."

 

But when you find a chance, show him true love. Ask his opinions about things. Take him out for coffee. Ask him what music to put on your MP3 player, what movie to see, how to download an audiobook. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Make his favorite dessert. Laugh at all his jokes no matter how stupid they are. When he has a ridiculous opinion, try not to argue with it. Just ask a follow-up question or something. Ask what snack food he wants when you are heading to the grocery. Watch him play a video game (if you have those) and act impressed. Figure out what his "love language is" and absolutely lavish him with love when you are in neutral territory.

 

When all else fails repeat the last line of his every sentence.

 

Him: "I hate this place. You all s@ck. I can't eat chicken."

 

You: "You can't eat chicken?"

 

Him: "I've always hated chicken. You don't even know me."

 

You: "I don't know you?"

 

It will feel really lame, but for some reason, it just really helps. I think it's hard to figure out what to say to an unreasonable kid, and this gives you something to say that shows you are listening, and prevents you from having to try to think of a rational response to an irrational person.

 

Really, really great post.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

My relationship with my mom is shaky, but not really rooted in my teen years. The main thing that I resented was the feeling that I was responsible for all the housework. My parents both worked. I did laundry, vacuuming and dishes. But there was no schedule or sense of order. There was always something else that I was supposed to do.

 

My own kids pointed this out a couple years ago. The kid that had their chore done got more jobs because they were available. Now we have a rotating job list. I know to call the kitchen person to do the dishes or the bathroom person do empty the trash. You might consider that you can't assume that he sees anything as being his responsibility unless it is clearly laid out. So I would make sure that your expectations are very clear and in writing and maybe posted (inside a cupboard is a good place because you can refer to it but it isn't on display for company).

 

And in fairness, his expectations should be firm too. If you have committed to getting him to an activity, then don't say you won't drive him unless that is clearly conditional on something he needs to do.

 

For food, I made it a rule a long time ago that I wouldn't cook two separate meals for my picky eaters. But if I'm making something that I know isn't a favorite of a family member, then I will make sure the meal has side dishes that they can/will eat.

[MommyJo]

Ok, so I reread your post as I have been completely sleep deprived here lately and TOTALLY missed something. LOL please bear with me. Although I do hold things against my parents, I was not implying that he will hold ANYTHING against you. A lot of what I hold against them comes from them not helping to control my "bad behavior" as a teen. I became severely out of control for attention because of our family issues and I just wanted them to take action. I didn't see it then but I do now. I honestly think if you stand up to him and tell him how it is that he will respect you more than anything in the long run. Actually, I KNOW he will. Anyways, I am so sorry for the way the previous post came out. I really do need to sleep more.

[Veronica in VA]

Hi, I've only read bits and pieces of the replies but here's my experience. My DS22 was a very difficult child from day 14. ( The first 2 weeks were awesome! LOL) His teen years particularily so, of course. It was him - NOT US. We are not perfect, but HE was contrary and difficult for the sole purpose of being contrary and difficult. He also had ADD and at the time, I did not understand much about that.

 

He is one of those kids who had to learn EVERYTHING the hard way and for himself in spite of wise council and good advice. Even as a boy - "Don't touch that, it's hot and you will get burned." He touched. He cried. He probably touched BECAUSE I told him not to. UGH!

 

Anyway, DH and I made a decision. We purposed to love him. We said, "I love you" at every interaction we had with him, good or bad. We never stopped saying it and we never stopped meaning it, even when sometimes we didn't like him very much. Sometimes we handled his issues well with "zen" as some say and other times I screamed bloody murder! ( If I lost my temper, I ALWAYS apologized for the loss of it, while still holding HIM accountable for HIS end.)

 

We did some things right and some things wrong. But we never fell out of communication with him, although we did have to practice tough love with him and issue a few ultimatums. They were always done with love and he knew it. He would be mad, but get over it. We never gave in to his anger. We just prayed and stayed the course and said, "I love you" over and over again. We did a lot of praying and crying over the years.

 

Fast forward this past February. He turned 22 on the 20th. My DD8 did a project for valentines day. She asked each family member to list their top 3 favorite things about every other family member. I had to ask DS twice and specify that this was not a joke and to please take it seriously since his little sister was doing a school project with it. ( She made a nice card for everyone with a list of all the comments.) Anyway, he sent his back. Under Mom and Dad he listed the exact same 3 characteristics.

 

Understanding

Forgiving

Loving

 

We both cried.

 

Yesterday, he moved back in with us after being out of the house for 4 years. He is still going to school and doing well. He treats us with respect ( most of the time - he still struggles, but will apologize when confronted.) and has thanked us for putting up with him. And he LOVES us. He says it everyday. What a joy to hear it!

 

Stay the course, don't give in to anger, do what you think is right and do it out of love. Be humble and appologize when it is warrented. Don't ever stop communicating with him or telling him that you love him - no matter what he does. He will love you back someday. God Bless.

 

Thank you!!! I so needed to hear this today.

 

Veronica