snickelfritz Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 My 5 (almost 6) year old has a port wine stain on her face. It has started to bother her more and more. "I wish I didn't have my birthmark." "So and so made fun of my birthmark." She's starting to get a "nobody likes me" complex. We've tried to treat it like no big deal. We've never put makeup on it or tried to hide it. It's part of who she is. I understand her feelings and I wish she didn't have it. But, she does and everybody has something. She's an adorable, bright, athletic, sweet girl and I need some ideas for some standard answers to give when she's dumping on herself. I don't want to minimize looks by saying "at least you're smart" type answers, because I think she is beautiful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athena1277 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Could you talk to a dermatologist to see if there's anything they can do for it? A friend of mine's 1.5 yr old is going through treatments for some type of birthmark (I think it's a portwine stain) so that it won't be so noticeable when she's older. Her's is also on her face. Of course, you could teach her to make jokes about it. I remember a boy in Jr High that had a birthmark on his leg that looked like grease was smeared on him. One day, he puts his leg on his desk, looks at the spot, and says "The d*rn dog!" Ok, I wouldn't teach her those words, but you get the idea.:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Have you considered having it removed? This can be done in most cases these days. Is there a reason you wouldn't consider it? Ria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Could you talk to a dermatologist to see if there's anything they can do for it? A friend of mine's 1.5 yr old is going through treatments for some type of birthmark (I think it's a portwine stain) so that it won't be so noticeable when she's older. Her's is also on her face. It lightened some and the surgeries will keep it from getting worse, but it's not going away. We travel to a nearby state to a birthmark center, so this is from the experts. We have taken a break since she was 4, because she was developing major doctor/dentist/eye doctor/anybody male phobias. We're starting to get her used to the fact that we'll be going back soon. So, it is what it is and will always be, barring breakthroughs in technology. Makeup when she's older, is of course, a possibility and someting else I wrestle with. Should we let her wear makeup to cover it, if she asks? I don't want her to feel like she needs makeup. But, I put makeup on to cover pimples, so I can't blame the feelings when/if they come. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Our neighbor has had laser treatments for a port wine stain and the results have been dramatic. It sounds like you want her just to accept it because "everybody has something". I get that, sort of, but I disagree. I grew up with a mole on my face. I went to a dermatologist who said it was just a "cosmetic" issue when I was a preteen. My parents weren't into doing anything for "cosmetic" reasons. I finally got it removed at age 32. Honestly, I'm ashamed to admit it but, I really resent my parents for not getting it removed. It would have been so simple. I really still harbor some resentment over this ( I know I need to get over it). In fact, the dr. asked if it bled and I said "no". I actually attempted to make it bleed so that something might be done. I am not a vain person. I understand the value in being raised not to be vain. That is why it took me so long to get it removed once I was an adult. I would do anything reasonable to remove a port wine stain from my daughter's face. Just my .02 Marie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktkcb Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I would advise letting her wear makeup if she wants......and chances are she'll want to. You may not want her to feel like she needs makeup, but I guarantee she'll feel like she needs makeup at some point, if it hasn't been taken care of another way, and I think you will need to be ok with that. JMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I understand better now. It sounded like you didn't want anything done about it. I probably would try to cover it with makeup if it made her feel better. My ds basketball coach wears makeup to cover his (and I never would have know if I hadn't been told). Sorry you have to deal with this and I'm sorry I misunderstood the tone of your first message. Marie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 ETA: Another posting at the same time. I deleted, since clarification was unnecessary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 First :grouphug: to your dd. I don't know what the answer is, but I don't believe that God makes mistakes. I think that is what I would be trying to reinforce. I realize that it is probably much harder to do than to say to do though. I will pray for her if you don't mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Our dd has a quite visible birthmark on her forehead that we've always called her "angel kiss". Our other dc are just a little envious they *don't* have one! When she was 4 or 5, she noticed another child with a birthmark and commented on the "angle kiss" that child had. What could have been embarrassing for everybody was really quite sweet. I don't have any answers for you, just how we deal with it here.:001_smile: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in Appalachia Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 :grouphug: I had a cousin with a large port-mark stain on her face. It covered her nose and half of the left side of her cheek. Make-up could never had covered it. I know it was always hard for her. She died when she was a teenager (I think she was 17), but I remember her struggling with it. She eventually took on a "I don't care" attitude, but at times it hurt. She was pretty and sweet, and she had lots of friends. She also had boyfriends. (I always thought she had too many boyfriends.:o) Her parents were never helpful, it really was something she found in herself. I think that's how it has to be. Your dd will have to find out for herself that a birthmark does not have to define her. Just keep being supportive, that's the best you can do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 No answers here either, but my 10yods can relate. When he was four, a venal malformation on his upper lip became visible. It looks a lot like a hemangioma, and it's gotten larger in the past year. It would sometimes enlarge (or shrink) and he would occasionally get comments, "Wow, I hope the other guy looks better than you!" Some were pretty rough, but no malice was EVER intended. It's gotten to the point now where new people almost always ask about it, and he's pretty self-conscious. (We are waiting to see if Shriners will cover this, vs. our bare bones insurance, which will cost us several thousand dollars.) What's helped my ds? I don't know if anything has. I know it's there for a reason, it is an answer to prayer, but that's a different post. :) It can be difficult, and I do think it might possibly be harder for a girl. It's a blessing that we hs, he's more insulated, and he certainly isn't around anyone who would tease him. *I* might consider the makeup option in your situation, but I can also understand your reluctance to put a lot of emphasis on the 'outside.' Unfortunately, society does, and something out of the ordinary like this makes a person stand out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethB Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 :grouphug: When my daughter was 11 months old, we visited relatives with a dog and her face broke out horribly from being licked. Before, when we were out at a stores, people would smile and sometimes comment on what a cute baby she was, and some would wave at her. During the few days her face was broken out, people would look away and no one smiled at her, no one waved. I now make an extra effort to try to make my behavior the same for someone with a physical disability, a birthmark, a rash, or severe acne, making sure I don't look away and I also smile and wave. It shouldn't matter, but it does make a difference to people, unfortunately. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Having physical differences is hard on kids. Ds has a large mole on the sole of his foot that he was born with. While it is easily covered with socks and shoes we went through 3 summers where he refused to take swimming lessons, wear sandals etc in case someone saw it. If a mole on the bottom of the foot caused that much embarassment for him I can only imagine how a child with much more visible marks would feel. The only thing really that has helped is he simply got older and realized it was okay if people saw it, they were still his friends no matter what, they didn't stop being his friend because he had a strange mole on his foot. After his biopsy on it a couple years ago, he told me he was happy it was the mole it was because it was benign. He still says he'd rather not have it but it is part of him kwim. Anyway, for your daughter, I would consider makeup down the road but not right now. In order to properly cover it she will likely need very heavy make up which I just don't think is good for a young child's skin. For now I would keep supporting her, listening to her when she needs to complain about it. Talk to her about going for more laser treatments etc. There is a book called "Buddy Booby's Birthmark" which is a children's book about a little bird with a port wine stain on his face and how he and mother deal with it. Another one called "Annabelle's birthmark" . Maybe reading a book together would help. When she is a teenager (high school age) "North of Beautiful" that might help when she older, about a girl with a port-wine stain that struggles to see herself for who she really is behind the birth mark. I have not read any of these so I am not sure how good they are, you may want to preread them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Having physical differences is hard on kids. Ds has a large mole on the sole of his foot that he was born with. While it is easily covered with socks and shoes we went through 3 summers where he refused to take swimming lessons, wear sandals etc in case someone saw it. If a mole on the bottom of the foot caused that much embarassment for him I can only imagine how a child with much more visible marks would feel. The only thing really that has helped is he simply got older and realized it was okay if people saw it, they were still his friends no matter what, they didn't stop being his friend because he had a strange mole on his foot. After his biopsy on it a couple years ago, he told me he was happy it was the mole it was because it was benign. He still says he'd rather not have it but it is part of him kwim. Anyway, for your daughter, I would consider makeup down the road but not right now. In order to properly cover it she will likely need very heavy make up which I just don't think is good for a young child's skin. For now I would keep supporting her, listening to her when she needs to complain about it. Talk to her about going for more laser treatments etc. There is a book called "Buddy Booby's Birthmark" which is a children's book about a little bird with a port wine stain on his face and how he and mother deal with it. Another one called "Annabelle's birthmark" . Maybe reading a book together would help. When she is a teenager (high school age) "North of Beautiful" that might help when she older, about a girl with a port-wine stain that struggles to see herself for who she really is behind the birth mark. I have not read any of these so I am not sure how good they are, you may want to preread them. Please, please tell me that is supposed to be Buddy BOBBY'S Birthmark! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
songbirdie Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 [Makeup when she's older, is of course, a possibility and someting else I wrestle with. Should we let her wear makeup to cover it, if she asks? I don't want her to feel like she needs makeup. But, I put makeup on to cover pimples, so I can't blame the feelings when/if they come. Would you let her get braces if her teeth were crooked (assuming money wasn't a factor)? Would you let her use a flat iron on her curly hair, or curling iron on her straight hair? Would you allow her to shave her hairy legs when she's a teenager? You probably see my point. . .there are LOTS of things we were born with that we would not think twice about "fixing" or changing if they could be changed to make our appearances more acceptable to society and to ourselves. I don't see this as anything different. I would pursue all reasonable avenues to have it removed, and if that were ineffective I would most certainly allow her to wear make-up to cover it. Not suggest it to her of course, but allow it if she asks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Please, please tell me that is supposed to be Buddy BOBBY'S Birthmark! No, it is about a Booby bird. From Wiki: The Booby, a type of seabird, is part of the family Sulidae and the genus Sula. It is closely related to the gannets (Morus), which were often included in Sula in former times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 No, it is about a Booby bird. From Wiki: The Booby, a type of seabird, is part of the family Sulidae and the genus Sula. It is closely related to the gannets (Morus), which were often included in Sula in former times. Thank you for the clarification! I shoulda looked it up instead of expecting the worst! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mere2 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 My DS (4 1/2) has a muscle disease. So he walks differently, cant run and has only just learnt how to jump, he walks up stairs with great difficulty etc. You get the picture - any physical movement he makes, it is obvious he is different. He knows he is different and other children notice he is different. We too struggle on and off with self esteem issues, "I cant run, everybody else can run and they wont like me." I try and tell him that running is overrated :D To compound matters, his sister is very athletic. I just constantly reinforce that nobodys body is perfect; everyone has something wrong with them. I also think its important to be an ambassador to the condition that your child has. When people are staring, I tell them that William has a muscle disease etc. Education is the key to other people understanding and accepting differences. That said, some days are harder than others....especially at the playground. On those days - I just dont go. I have days were children point or make rude comments. If I am having a "bad day", I just mention to William that some people are just curious about why he is having difficulty walking that day and they just left their manners at home. I think it gets the point across. On good days, I am happy to be the ambassador. I accept that both I and William have bad days about his medical condition and we both have good days too. Unfortunately there is no magic wand, we cant take away our childrens pain for being different to others and I think its important to accept the bad feelings with the good feelings. Its OK for your DD not to like having her birthmark, its OK if she wants to later cover it up, however helping her accept what she has and living with it, to me, are the important things. I dont want to prevent my son from having the most fulfilling life possisble for him. I tell everyone that he can still be a cardiac surgeon if he wants to, he just will be the last person to reach the patient when he flat lines. :tongue_smilie: Maybe you could do a little project with your DD and write a book about having a birthmark. Then she can pass those little books to her friends and hopefully it will make her feel proud that she has something different and worthwhile to share with everyone. Best wishes and :grouphug: Fi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Hobbes has a stutter. His speech therapist said that it was often useful to coach the child so s/he has something to say when teased. We settled on, 'Yes, sometimes it takes me longer to say things.' Having a way to respond gives the power back to the child, so that s/he can acknowledge the difference and move on. Best wishes Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I would never suggest makeup if the mark wasn't bothering her, but it clearly is in your daughter's case. Because of that, I'd just say, "Well, we can put a little makeup on it to cover it up if you want to" and see what she says. Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 I ordered 2 of the books that someone suggested. I don't know why I haven't looked for some children's literature recently. I also found a neat memoir at my library, for me to read. It's written by a woman who has a PWS on her face. I also like the advice to rehearse an answer for her to say if people tease her, or even if they just want to talk about it. We've rehearsed an answer if they ask her what it is, but recently, she has started asking me to tell them. About the makeup....It's something I'll need to order or, possibly, go to a dermatologist for. I'm fine with that, in terms of MY effort and expense. I'm trying to weigh how much production she faces in order to get makeup to cover it up. I don't want her to feel like it's something that I really want her to do and we're going to any length possible to cover it up. Even then, it's probably not something she can wear all of the time, but maybe just special occasions. Her skin is extremely sensitive, and ....she's only 5. Summer activities, swimming, soccer, gymnastics, etc... We need to find a way to deal with internal and the external. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I think role playing is a great idea. It has been helpful for me when I want to teach my girls how to act/react in certain situations. If she/you decides to go with the make-up you will have to think about what would happen if she goes swimming or gets wet out in public and the make-up washes off. I agree with the other poster who says she smiles and waves the same way for a child who is obviously sick or affected by a malady. The world needs more folks like that! One of my favorite Bible verses is "The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." I Samuel 16:7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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