If you have 4 or more (small) kids AND you're a church-goer,

[Aubrey]

what percentage of the time (in winter-ish mos) would you say your family is in 100% attendance?

[cathmom]

You don't want to know.

[Aubrey]

You don't want to know.

 

Actually, I need to know. W/ regard to this issue, I sometimes think that dh still has his bachelor glasses on. On a week-by-week basis, he understands if a kid is sick or the car won't start. But if he gets a look at the big picture, percentage-wise, it's easy for him to start feeling really guilty. I'd like to be able to tell him it's not just us, kwim?

[3lilreds in NC]

Well, I only have 3, and I have not been to church with Isaac, except for a baby dedication between services, since January. He's been sick so much, and he's finally healthy - I have no desire at all to take him and expose him to more germs.

 

If your dh has to leave before you and you are the only one there getting 4 small people and yourself ready to go to church, he's going to have to understand what an enormous task that is. It's just not realistic to expect 100% attendance, or even close to it, particularly without reliable transportation.

[Plucky]

When my kids were little we probably missed half the services during flu and cold season. It takes a while for the virus to move through everyone and I'm not one to bring a sick child out. We missed a lot.

[cathmom]

Our percentage has been abysmal.

 

My dh began working overtime Sat. and Sun afternoons. The only English Mass at our church is at 10 AM. If I go and leave the twins home with him, I have to leave the second Mass is over (or before if it runs long). That's what we were doing and then I hurt my back in January. Now I can't hold the baby for long periods, and if he's fussy I can't carry him around in the foyer. I feel really guilty and bad about not going but I don't see what I can do. My daughters hate leaving the second it's over - they don't get to talk to anyone, my 5 yo doesn't get to play with the other dc. We could go to the bilingual Mass on Saturday afternoon without my dh, but I would have to take everybody by myself, my dc don't really like the bilingual Mass (and it's usually longer), and honestly, by the time I drag 4 dc 5 and under out, it's like, what's the point?

[Aubrey]

Well, I only have 3, and I have not been to church with Isaac, except for a baby dedication between services, since January. He's been sick so much, and he's finally healthy - I have no desire at all to take him and expose him to more germs.

 

If your dh has to leave before you and you are the only one there getting 4 small people and yourself ready to go to church, he's going to have to understand what an enormous task that is. It's just not realistic to expect 100% attendance, or even close to it, particularly without reliable transportation.

 

Nope, the church is an hr away (which I suspect is a factor), so we have to go together. He's had a car that would carry him, but I don't like him to take even the 2 big ones w/out me, since he has to be there an hr early & generally stays an hr late. There's no one to watch the dc the 1st hr, & the 2nd hr is generally spent waiting in the car, since the building is shared between 2 churches.

[Aubrey]

When my kids were little we probably missed half the services during flu and cold season. It takes a while for the virus to move through everyone and I'm not one to bring a sick child out. We missed a lot.

 

Half is about what I've told him is typical. I was just guessing, though.

[LNC]

I miss 50% year round due to children with medical needs, but my husband misses with us once a year at the most. He always takes our non sick children. I listen to the sermons online. I honestly get more out of them at home instead of trying to listen on speakers in the lobby with my special needs teen.

[Aubrey]

Our percentage has been abysmal.

 

My dh began working overtime Sat. and Sun afternoons. The only English Mass at our church is at 10 AM. If I go and leave the twins home with him, I have to leave the second Mass is over (or before if it runs long). That's what we were doing and then I hurt my back in January. Now I can't hold the baby for long periods, and if he's fussy I can't carry him around in the foyer. I feel really guilty and bad about not going but I don't see what I can do. My daughters hate leaving the second it's over - they don't get to talk to anyone, my 5 yo doesn't get to play with the other dc. We could go to the bilingual Mass on Saturday afternoon without my dh, but I would have to take everybody by myself, my dc don't really like the bilingual Mass (and it's usually longer), and honestly, by the time I drag 4 dc 5 and under out, it's like, what's the point?

 

Don't feel guilty! So much of what we do at home (*can* be, lol) is holy. I think of the verses where Jesus tells us that if He has washed our feet, then we ought to wash one anothers' feet. That we will be known by our love for ea other, our service, etc. I think my job here is not to measure church attendance but to aim for holiness in my love & service to my family.

 

Actually, my percentage at home right now probably stinks, too, lol. But I do think it's important to remember that our work here counts, esp when we remember that it's for the Lord. If I honor him w/ the way I love my family, I believe his kingdom is advanced. I believe that my children will grow up to be whole people and that those around me will be somehow blessed by my efforts. I don't know how... perhaps sometimes by finding a good friend in one of my dc, maybe in realizing that their cooking could be worse (;)). But I really believe that small lives, lived out quietly & responsibly, count for the kingdom. It's messy around here not because I'm late for battle but because I'm on the front lines. :lol:

 

:grouphug: I hope your back is better soon. And good job taking care of your babies!

[Aubrey]

I miss 50% year round due to children with medical needs, but my husband misses with us once a year at the most. He always takes our non sick children. I listen to the sermons online. I honestly get more out of them at home instead of trying to listen on speakers in the lobby with my special needs teen.

 

Yup, dh is 100%. It's my attendance that's in question.

[mamakven]

we are at about 75% attendance wintertime i'd say... and we live close, so don't feel too badly!! family needs have to come first!

[CalicoKat]

what percentage of the time (in winter-ish mos) would you say your family is in 100% attendance?

We gave up on Sunday attendance. Instead we found a church that holds Saturday evening services.

 

Sunday a.m. It's so difficult to get everyone fed, ready, get there on time, AND have a good attitude. This is especially true for me the mom. I found I could bath, dress, and feed and get buckled 5 kids in the car PLUS get myself ready in the time it took DH to get himself out the door. He's the one who made us late.... It was exhausting.

 

After last winter, still attempting the a.m. services, we realised that our attendance was once every 6 weeks or so. Illness, sleepless exhausting caring for fussy babies, dh's unpredictable weekened work, last minute calls for house showings on Sunday a.m. after we'd arrived at Church, and my refusal to take 5 kiddos to church by myself it just wasn't happening.

 

We do have Sunday School with the kiddos at home so it wasn't a lack of Biblical teaching. It was Christian Fellowship we were missing. And so we were motivated to look for a church that had Saturday evening services. And a church that closer--5 minutes away. It also helps that this new church is soo family friendly.

 

It's still not easy getting there on time. But the fact that every is already wide awake makes it easier. At 4 p.m. our schedule turns to "getting ready." Church is at 6 pm and we're home by 7:30 pm. We've also made it a point to "treat" the kids to McD's sundaes afterwards and the rule is that if they're not quiet when they're tucked in--no ice cream next week. So they're pooped out and quiet when we get home.

 

PLUS dh is mostly ready and this has increased his helpfulness which makes me waay less crabby.

 

The best result is that Sundays truly are a day of rest now. NOTHING gets planned on those days. Nothing is open. Sleeping In (a bit) and taking it easy.

[Aubrey]

We gave up on Sunday attendance. Instead we found a church that holds Saturday evening services.

 

Sunday a.m. It's so difficult to get everyone fed, ready, get there on time, AND have a good attitude. This is especially true for me the mom. I found I could bath, dress, and feed and get buckled 5 kids in the car PLUS get myself ready in the time it took DH to get himself out the door. He's the one who made us late.... It was exhausting.

 

After last winter, still attempting the a.m. services, we realised that our attendance was once every 6 weeks or so. Illness, sleepless exhausting caring for fussy babies, dh's unpredictable weekened work, last minute calls for house showings on Sunday a.m. after we'd arrived at Church, and my refusal to take 5 kiddos to church by myself it just wasn't happening.

 

We do have Sunday School with the kiddos at home so it wasn't a lack of Biblical teaching. It was Christian Fellowship we were missing. And so we were motivated to look for a church that had Saturday evening services. And a church that closer--5 minutes away. It also helps that this new church is soo family friendly.

 

It's still not easy getting there on time. But the fact that every is already wide awake makes it easier. At 4 p.m. our schedule turns to "getting ready." Church is at 6 pm and we're home by 7:30 pm. We've also made it a point to "treat" the kids to McD's sundaes afterwards and the rule is that if they're not quiet when they're tucked in--no ice cream next week. So they're pooped out and quiet when we get home.

 

PLUS dh is mostly ready and this has increased his helpfulness which makes me waay less crabby.

 

The best result is that Sundays truly are a day of rest now. NOTHING gets planned on those days. Nothing is open. Sleeping In (a bit) and taking it easy.

 

We did something similar a few yrs ago--Sun eve services. That's not an option for us right now, but I'm glad it's working for you guys. I have a friend who's doing the same because of her dh's work schedule.

[newlifemom]

I am sitting here (Sun morn) laughing b/c I am at home with a sick child and dh has other 3. We go to church an hour away and she, (dd) just wasn't up for it. Funny, it's the first miss service for a sick child since we moved here. Feels strange. My kids typically are not sick on Sunday, it's Mon or Tue after church that they get sick. LOL.

[Plucky]

I just wanted to pop in and say it's really hard on the preacher's wife and family. I know everyone is looking to see what you are going to do. Care for your sick ones at home. You can sing them songs and read a Bible story. My dh is a pk and rigid church attendance and adherances to appearance turned him away from church for years. We are not rigid about attending church and our kids love going. I think worshipping at home all together or just with the sickies is just as valid to God.

[Aubrey]

I just wanted to pop in and say it's really hard on the preacher's wife and family. I know everyone is looking to see what you are going to do. Care for your sick ones at home. You can sing them songs and read a Bible story. My dh is a pk and rigid church attendance and adherances to appearance turned him away from church for years. We are not rigid about attending church and our kids love going. I think worshipping at home all together or just with the sickies is just as valid to God.

 

I suspected this & have suggested it to dh. Thank you for mentioning it.

[TXMomof4]

I am sitting here (Sun morn) laughing b/c I am at home with a sick child and dh has other 3. We go to church an hour away and she, (dd) just wasn't up for it. Funny, it's the first miss service for a sick child since we moved here. Feels strange. My kids typically are not sick on Sunday, it's Mon or Tue after church that they get sick. LOL.

 

 

Suprisingly, we haven't been sick on a Sunday yet. Tuesday mornings are a little cruddy sometimes, but my kids have been unbelievably healthy this winter (finding wood to knock on right this second).

[Aubrey]

Suprisingly, we haven't been sick on a Sunday yet. Tuesday mornings are a little cruddy sometimes, but my kids have been unbelievably healthy this winter (finding wood to knock on right this second).

 

Ok, if this is a good winter for y'all, then what would you say is typical?

[Melinda in VT]

what percentage of the time (in winter-ish mos) would you say your family is in 100% attendance?

 

Well, my four kids are all strung out (the oldest and youngest are a decade apart, with twins in the middle), but I'd say in Jan and Feb we usually come in around 50%. Any given bug usually takes out two Sundays by the time we've finished passing it along. (And I admit I have higher health standards for church then school because I worry more about the elderly people at church.)

 

This is going to sound similar to my advice about decluttering, but I think it helps to talk to DH and come to an agreement about the criteria for church attendance. And then don't worry about the percentage, as long as the absences all fall within the guidelines you have agreed to.

 

I'm not necessarily recommending this, but if it were me, I would probably point out to DH somewhat bluntly that if regular family church attendance is important to him, that might mean not choosing to attend a church an hour away, with one car, and meetings before and after church, when you have four small kids.:glare: I don't think I would be able to help myself. But it's probably not the wisest course of action.:lol:

[joannqn]

My winter attendance is nearly nonexistent the past two years ever since my youngest spent over a week in the hospital battling RSV. He got it from his brother who got it from school because a mom sent her child to school because "he only has a cold and is acting fine". After that, I was a bit freaked out by sick germs.

 

Once he became too loud to stay in the sanctuary with me, I started taking him to the nursery. I noticed two things: 1. he would be sick by Tuesday after every visit to church and 2. there were sick kids in the nursery every time we were there (I'm talking clear runny noses, yellow/green thick noses, glassy-eyed feverish kids, etc). We quit going to church after that and rarely attend in the winter.

 

The last time we went to a church was about 3 weeks ago, I think. As typical, he was sick by Tuesday and has had a runny nose since then that just won't go away.

 

ETA: Probably not helpful as our lack of attendance has more to do with other people than our own sickness. Of course, we stay home when we are sick too.

Edited March 15, 2009 by joannqn

[Aubrey]

My winter attendance is nearly nonexistent the past two years ever since my youngest spent over a week in the hospital battling RSV. He got it from his brother who got it from school because a mom sent her child to school because "he only has a cold and is acting fine". After that, I was a bit freaked out by sick germs.

 

Once he became too loud to stay in the sanctuary with me, I started taking him to the nursery. I noticed two things: 1. he would be sick by Tuesday after every visit to church and 2. there were sick kids in the nursery every time we were there (I'm talking clear runny noses, yellow/green thick noses, glassy-eyed feverish kids, etc). We quit going to church after that and rarely attend in the winter.

 

The last time we went to a church was about 3 weeks ago, I think. As typical, he was sick by Tuesday and has had a runny nose since then that just won't go away.

 

On the upside, this church doesn't have a nursery. On the down side, that means that 6-9 kids, ranging from 6mos to 8yo are all lumped together.

[Remudamom]

Our church is 90 miles away. We would go unless there was a GOOD reason not to go, illness or a cattle emergency. Every once in a while we will skip because we've had to go up to the city for doctor appointments and just couldn't bear another three hour round trip.

 

It's very important for us to make sure the children were in the worship service. (not nursery or children's church.)

[cjzimmer1]

Well I guess I'm in the minority here but with 5 kids and we go to 3 church services a week, I would say we make it 90+% of the time. Tired or just not feeling like it, isn't a valid reason to stay home here. We've watched many people backslide out of church because they just didn't feel like going one too many times. I'm not saying that will happen to everyone but early on in our marriage we made that decision and are accountable to each other that we only stay home because we (or one of the children) is truly sick enough to stay out of the public. And every time we have gone when we really wanted to stay home, it seems God has given us a special blessing just for making the extra effort to come to His house and worship.

 

Also because we have 3 services a week (2 on Sunday and one on Wednesday), my husband and I trade off who stays home with the sick kid(s) so we each can attend some of the services during the week. The only time I stay home exclusively is when the sick child is a nursing baby.

 

We do live very close to church and have two vehicles. So hubby goes early and stays late to do his business, and I get there just before service and leave immediately after. The extra long commute would definitely complicate things since small children can only sit quietly for just so long.

[Guest Katia]

Aubrey,

 

Am I understanding this correctly: You go to church (with the dc) one hour early ; your church service lasts one hour ; then your dh stays one hour after the service while you sit in the car with your dc???

 

You are out on Sunday morning early, breakfasted, dressed up with 5 children? And two of them babies? For over three hours? And one of those hours is spent sitting in the CAR with them?

 

Wow. Just....Wow. I had (well have) three dc, my dh is a pastor and when my kiddos were young I would have never, ever have taken little ones early or kept them late. Never. Dh would have gone by himself before I would have done that. But the thought that your dh is ok with you sitting in the car with them while he does whatever it is he does is simply.....I have no words for this.(that I would print) You are....amazing!

 

And...as far as your dh going by himself...he might as well get used to it. His job is the church ; your job is the family/dc. When the church starts paying "you" a salary, then your dh can start analyzing and commenting on your attendance.

 

You are a better person than I am, by far! If it were me, I'd keep myself and the kiddos at home all.the.time. rather than go early and sit late with them in the car! Is the purpose of this to make your dh look good in his job? He can't stand on his own? Or, you just like to torture yourself? What is your dh THINKing? Can you tell I am simply dumbfounded?

 

Surely, surely I am misunderstanding this.

[Aubrey]

Aubrey,

 

Am I understanding this correctly: You go to church (with the dc) one hour early ; your church service lasts one hour ; then your dh stays one hour after the service while you sit in the car with your dc???

 

You are out on Sunday morning early, breakfasted, dressed up with 5 children? And two of them babies? For over three hours? And one of those hours is spent sitting in the CAR with them?

 

Wow. Just....Wow. I had (well have) three dc, my dh is a pastor and when my kiddos were young I would have never, ever have taken little ones early or kept them late. Never. Dh would have gone by himself before I would have done that. But the thought that your dh is ok with you sitting in the car with them while he does whatever it is he does is simply.....I have no words for this.(that I would print) You are....amazing!

 

And...as far as your dh going by himself...he might as well get used to it. His job is the church ; your job is the family/dc. When the church starts paying "you" a salary, then your dh can start analyzing and commenting on your attendance.

 

You are a better person than I am, by far! If it were me, I'd keep myself and the kiddos at home all.the.time. rather than go early and sit late with them in the car! Is the purpose of this to make your dh look good in his job? He can't stand on his own? Or, you just like to torture yourself? What is your dh THINKing? Can you tell I am simply dumbfounded?

 

Surely, surely I am misunderstanding this.

 

Nope, we only have 4 dc. :lol: And sometimes they're not breakfasted. Once we were late because I insisted we stop & get them something.

 

Dh doesn't mean to leave us in the car, we just sort-of get swept there. We have to leave the bldg (I'd stay anyway, but we get "helped" out the door), & dh gets called in to impromptu meetings, kwim? He always means to say something but...never really gets around to it. To be fair, it's more like 45 min.

 

The extra 2 hrs aren't to make dh look good. They really serve no purpose, lol. The first hr is more tolerable, because I sit w/ the dc at the back, & they bring toys.

 

Dh is stretched to the point that he's about to break. He's *not* thinking. I pm'd you.

[Anne Rittenhouse]

If your husband expects you to attend church on a regular basis. He needs to get the two older ones up, breakfasted and dressed for church. He needs to help prepare the 21month old's breakfast and help tidy up the kitchen. Did I say cartoons or TV video for the older two while they wait? He needs to budget in another car and gas for you to make the trip about 40 minutes later than he leaves for work. You need to arrive for church on time and leave as soon as service is over in your own vehicle. He needs to bring home fruit salad, quiche or pizza for Sunday lunch when he returns later in the morning.

 

This is about his expectations and if he expects you to be there each and every week. He'd better make your life easy on Sunday mornings. Personnally, If I were the pastor's wife with that many small children, I'd have made it explicitly clear in the interview process to the church elders that I would not be attending on a regular basis. I would not wish that my very young children's behavior become a distraction to service participants or their father who will be doing the most visiable part of his weekly duties. I would do everything in my power to avoid scrutiny of the "pastor's children".

Edited March 16, 2009 by Anne Rittenhouse

[battlemaiden]

That doesn't change whether my husband is at sea or not. It has to do with health and sometimes behavioral issues. I'll go alone with all the kids, but my older kids are a great help.

 

We have wonderful sessions of home-church when one or more children are under the weather. We read, pray, sing, etc. The kids get to discuss what we are learning. It doesn't substitute meeting together at church, but it isn't like we're home watching Square Bob what's his face.

 

But then again, I've made my case for being ultra-concerned about illness (giving or getting). :D

 

Jo

[always cookin']

I would say we are at 95% or above. HOWEVER, my dh helps me with the kids (4 of them), getting ready, etc. He takes them early for religion, drops them off, picks them up and we attend together. I sit in the cry room with the littlest. If I had to do it with your situation all the time, I am sure it would be much more difficult. We also live very close to church, and it is easy to run back and forth. I feel for you.

[Dawn in Ohio]

I guess we don't get sick that often. Our attendance is probably about 95%. I have missed one Sunday this winter because of a sick child. Sickness is the only thing that would keep us home. We attend two services on Sunday, plus Sunday school and often a meal or meeting too. We also attend Wed. evening prayer meeting.

[MamaT]

When my three youngest were small (all within 28 months of each other), I would say 90% of the time we were there. My husband was on staff at the church and the expectation was that ALL of us were at service. He had to be at both Sunday morning services (there was a 9 and an 11 service), so I would attend one of the services and then go home.

 

It was easier because we drove seperately. If I had to wait before and after church - I don't know. It's hard when you are EXPECTED to be there. Sometimes people really do not get what it's like to have so many littles.

 

IMO you should do your best to be there, but don't feel guilty when you can't. Your children are your first priority. This is a season (they won't be little forever) and it will be easier to be there regularly when they are older.

[cathmom]

So apparently, those of you with good attendance have:

 

1. husbands who help

2. separate vehicles

3. and live close to church

 

 

I'm feeling better, how about you, Aubrey?

[phathui5]

We've missed one week this winter due to illness.

[Joanna H]

Aubrey, you just made my morning by your response above. We have six children, one of which is a special needs. We all make it to church 1-2 times a month max. Dh takes the older ones the rest of the time but there always seems to be one week every month that no one goes.

 

On top of my normal guilty feelings about going regular, I have a friend at church who basically keeps up with our attendance. I get emails saying she didn't see me, who is sick this time, etc. At least now, I know I am not alone!!! And, you put my perspective into words above.

Have a good day!

Joanna

[mommylaw]

Missing church is simply not an option for us. If one child is ill we will split up and take the other children in shifts.

[Tutor]

We have 4, but our oldest is now 12. We get to church together 90% of the time... usually it's me missing because of migraines. A couple of years ago, I would say we were at 75%, but looking back I think that we were looking for excuses not to go to church (we weren't happy with our church situation there).

[Guest Katia]

Nope, we only have 4 dc. :lol: And sometimes they're not breakfasted. Once we were late because I insisted we stop & get them something.

 

Dh doesn't mean to leave us in the car, we just sort-of get swept there. We have to leave the bldg (I'd stay anyway, but we get "helped" out the door), & dh gets called in to impromptu meetings, kwim? He always means to say something but...never really gets around to it. To be fair, it's more like 45 min.

 

The extra 2 hrs aren't to make dh look good. They really serve no purpose, lol. The first hr is more tolerable, because I sit w/ the dc at the back, & they bring toys.

 

Dh is stretched to the point that he's about to break. He's *not* thinking. I pm'd you.

 

OK, I was mistaken on several points:

 

1: You 'only' have four children....two of them under 2 years old. I think that was a typo on my part. I know you have 4 kids. (I should stick to writing out the number FOUR, because I just typed in 3 above and had to change it!)

 

2: It is not three hours that you are looking at having these young ones out on Sunday morning.....it it FIVE hours. I forgot to count your hour drive there and your hour drive home. That makes three hours of them sitting in the car and 'only' two hours of them at church. Ok.......

 

3: Your dh is not thinking. I guess in the back of my mind I sort-of thought this was the case...but was hoping against hope he had some sort of rationale for these unrealistic expectations of you and his babies.

 

I pm'd you back.

[SilverMoon]

We are about 95%, but we're only driving ten minutes away. Hub and I are pretty involved too. It's hard to play hooky frequently if you've got to drive the bus or teach the preschoolers. That hour drive would do me in though! Any chance of finding something much closer?

[herbalgirl]

We're living in FL, so we can't get off for bad weather:), but between sickness and such, I would say we're batting 85% attendance. We have 4 children (almost 7, almost 5, 3, and 19 months) and 1 on the way.

 

Having your church so far away is a definite factor. That gets old real quick!