Can I say it again, I hate WoW!!

[dawn of ns]

Remember, I have 5 kiddos and homeschooling and not a lot of time to go out to groups or meetings.

 

Homeschooling should come after getting this dealt with. It's the house but the issues with your husband are the foundation.

 

I know I'm saying a lot on this but honestly, I could so easily be your husband and I KNOW he needs a wakeup and a lifeline. Anything short of that and he'll just sink.

[Erica in PA]

I should say I spoke. He mainly yelled. I can't believe it.

 

I told him I thought his gaming was affecting our marriage in a bad way. He basically said he really didn't care, that he needs this stress relief and this is what he's going to do. He evidently has a lot of anger towards me and has never expressed it. He sure did tonight. I feel like everything has been a lie. I thought things were basically good, that he just had this gaming problem. He doesn't care how I feel (his words), he thinks that I am resentful and angry about his gaming but it's how he feels towards me, so that's fair. We moved to a new church, I thought we were in agreement over that. He doesn't like that I tell people I want to move closer to family because he feels that people distance themselves from us. I have not noticed that at all. He seems to really think the worst of me. And, quite honestly, I would have had NO idea if we hadn't just had this conversation. This is really quite a nightmare. I wish I had somewhere to escape to. I can't leave. I've got a 1 year old and 3 year old that I can't just take off with. He sounded so crazy. It's like I don't even know him.

 

How do you know someone is not in agreement with you, if they never say that? In fact, they say the opposite.

 

I just can't even believe it. I just feel sick.

 

I would absolutely seek counseling from my pastor in that sort of situation. It sounds to me that your husband needs more accountability, because it's all too easy to hide habits like his from others in his life. This is a nasty habit that I think needs to be exposed, and not kept private between the two of you. (Much like a habitual pornography or infidelity habit sometimes needs to be brought out into the open before someone will seek to change.) You also need counsel and wisdom in dealing with the problem. This is one of the things that church leaders are there for, and along with praying about the situation, I would recommend seeking counseling. I'd first invite (beg) dh to come along, but if he refuses, I'd still go myself. I hope things improve for you and your family soon!

[Erica in PA]

Well, about 8 years ago, he did have an online affair.

 

Well, I'm sorry to say this, but that information makes me very nervous about this whole thing. You would think, that knowing his own history, if he were not doing anything of that sort (i.e. online affair), he would be going to great lengths to stay away from that sort of temptation, and also to be careful to reassure you with his actions that he is not repeating the same problem again.... the fact that he is again so heavily immersed in the gaming, and doesn't care a bit what you think about it, knowing that really he is giving every indication of having another online affair, and making no apologies for it-- it makes me wonder why?

 

I probably would do what I could to find out what he is saying to the others that he plays with, to see how deep this problem may have become.

 

:grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

Well, I'm sorry to say this, but that information makes me very nervous about this whole thing. You would think, that knowing his own history, if he were not doing anything of that sort (i.e. online affair), he would be going to great lengths to stay away from that sort of temptation, and also to be careful to reassure you with his actions that he is not repeating the same problem again.... the fact that he is again so heavily immersed in the gaming, and doesn't care a bit what you think about it, knowing that really he is giving every indication of having another online affair, and making no apologies for it-- it makes me wonder why?

 

I probably would do what I could to find out what he is saying to the others that he plays with, to see how deep this problem may have become.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

The patterns here are really, really alarming.

 

I would be inclined to suggest that you try to find out whatever you can without talking to him about it further for the time being. Act normal and proceed with your life, but start to figure out what the real story is on the side. Then think through the next things that you will do, thoroughly and completely, including what response you might anticipate, before you take any action or do any more confronting.

 

I think his increasingly agitated behavior around the time when he is 'supposed' to be online, is very suspicious; especially coupled with his history. He's either addicted or in love or both. I'm sorry, but that is really how it is. Don't tell him you know this right now. It's time to figure out the patterns and how deep this goes, and then think about talking or taking action at that point. CC--"Love Must Be Tough" covers the emotional affair issue IIRC, and is very good on how to respond. I don't know as much as Joanne about codependency groups, but have heard very good things about them, and Joanne's advice is always sound anyway. If you can't go to one of those groups, I have heard that a good book is "Codependent No More" but I have not read it myself. It's oldish, and may be OOP or superceded by something better, but I have known several people who felt it was very helpful.

[Colleen]

Well, about 8 years ago, he did have an online affair.

 

Oh, dear. How should I say this? I can't find the right "soft" wording so I'm just going to be succinct:

 

WAKE UP.

 

I don't have a clue whether or not your dh is currently having an online affair ~ and unlike some others, I don't think you should sneak about trying to figure it out for yourself. That's demeaning. The fact (from what you've shared) is that your husband did previously have an online affair, and that he's nonetheless now engaging in addictive online behavior. Whether or not women are involved is actually neither here nor there, as far as I'm concerned. He knows full well his weakness and yet he chooses to engage in the temptation. He lacks accountability ~ which is why I encourage you to talk with your pastor. Aside from that, though, you need to get past the denial stage. This is a problem ~ and one he doesn't want to change, at this point.

 

That means the ball is in your court. And I'm not talking about playing detective, announcing what you've discovered to your dh, and begging/demanding that he stops/changes his behavior. You apparently tried that before and it didn't work. Nor will it work this time, imo. You can't change him. That's his job. What you can change is how you deal with his addictions. And as far as that goes, I honestly believe this forum is limited in what further advice we can/should offer. You need real life help, (((Julpost))).

[Erica in PA]

 

The fact (from what you've shared) is that your husband did previously have an online affair, and that he's nonetheless now engaging in addictive online behavior. Whether or not women are involved is actually neither here nor there, as far as I'm concerned. He knows full well his weakness and yet he chooses to engage in the temptation.

 

I agree. This would be like a recovering alcoholic who was routinely leaving his family at home to go "hang out" at the bar, without apology or explanation. Or the former drug user who regularly goes to parties with his old drug buddies where drugs are openly being used. Etc. Whether in any of the cases, he is actually doing the suspected act, it's still a problem that he is putting himself in those situations, and without any thought to your feelings.

[Scuff]

I don't know. Leaving and all this seems a bit extreme from what you've said here. Obviously I don't see the whole picture, but it's one thing he enjoys. He waits until 8:30, so he's not letting it control his whole life. There are other issues between the two of you that are coming out, that's good, now you can work on that and build your marriage. The whole former online affair is troubling, but all the more reason I'd be sweetly playing with him a few nights. I'm not going to tell you what to do, obviously as someone who knows you only from a few posts online, there could be a lot missing. I just want to be a voice for the other side. Leaving does seem extreme here, IMO. God (you're a believer, yes?) doesn't tell us to stay unless ____. We commit for better or worse 'til death do us part. There weren't many things to let you out of that. I don't think a few hours of gamiling each night qualifies. Pray for the man. Pray hard that his heart will be bound to you alone. Pray for his satisfaction in God alone. Pray, pray, pray. Anyway, I hope and pray things work out for you. *hugs*

[Jami]

Maybe I'm the only one, but this thread is making me incredibly uncomfortable. We're not to be asking for or giving marital advice on the board for a reason. Julpost, you need real life counsel from people who really know you and really know your husband.

[Joanne]

Maybe I'm the only one, but this thread is making me incredibly uncomfortable. We're not to be asking for or giving marital advice on the board for a reason. Julpost, you need real life counsel from people who really know you and really know your husband.

 

Personally, I think there are insights, information and realities in this thread that are (unfortunately) appropriate to more than one regular poster and regular lurkers here.

[Nestof3]

I haven't read any other posts, but:

 

I have no idea what Wow is, but I feel sorry for you. My husband would jump if I suggested watching a movie together. Perhaps you could ask him while naked. hee hee

 

Oops -- looks like this is much more than I imagined. So sorry to hear.

Edited December 27, 2008 by nestof3

[Remudamom]

I wouldn't think about leaving the house. I'd just put his computer on the front step and change the locks.

[laughing lioness]

Julpost - I just stopped back to check in . :grouphug: Praying for God's peace and wisdom to shower you tonight.

[Scarlett]

I wouldn't think about leaving the house. I'd just put his computer on the front step and change the locks.

 

What good would that do? It is his house too. She can't keep him out without a court order.

[RoughCollie]

I wouldn't think about leaving the house. I'd just put his computer on the front step and change the locks.

 

It's easier and cheaper to put a password on the computer so it can't be used. Of course, she would have to be very certain the former computer user wouldn't get so mad he would hit her.

[Remudamom]

What good would that do? It is his house too. She can't keep him out without a court order.

 

 

It would get a message across. Much better to lock him out than to leave herself. Why would she want to go stay in a hotel. Let him go. Court orders take time.

[5Youngs]

What if you left?

 

I'm not even kidding. Pack up the kids, grab the credit cards and take off for two weeks.

 

Or better yet, be around every day until 8:30 and then disappear to a hotel. See if he even notices.

 

I'm a person who believes in talking out your problems. And then every once in a long, long, LONG while throw a MAJOR HISSY FIT!

 

Your husband will not thank you 10 years from now for living with ongoing resentment. He will not thank you for being nice about it. He will say something really lame like, "Gee honey - I wish I'd known how important that was to you."

 

Tomorrow get the suitcases ready. Make a reservation. And the minute he sits down at the computer, slip out the door with the kids.

 

Drastic suggestion, but I'm floored and sad that so many of you are having to go through this!

Is this that roleplaying game? World of Warcraft?

I'm so thankful that my hubby's only addiction is Food Network!

I'm praying that your hubby will lose his fascination with it.

I'm afraid that I'd have to go.....

Hang in there~

Dawanna

[Kristin in Hawaii]

...he is abusing you. Verbally and emotionally. He is being a jerk and is this the role model you want for your children? So sorry. I ended my marriage 3 years ago because I discovered my exhusband (of 10 years) was also addicted to online "stuff". I begged him for a date a month, counseling, etcetera and he got angry and said I was trying to change him. Bottom line... I left. When he got angry, acted a bit crazy I got a restraining order against him through a local family violence resource -- hardest thing I ever did. It worked. He calmed down and I immediately went before the judge with him and stated I felt we could now talk about things safely. But he needed to know I had the courage to actually take control of the situation. He was acting immature and scary and it had to stop. I also contacted his parents and asked for their help in keeping him calm.

 

My life is so much better now -- and so is his. His current (2 yrs) girlfriend can't get high-speed internet access ;) and they are doing fine. He restarted his athletic activities which seem to satisfy his craving for the "rush". Our son spends much time with me and stays with his dad at least a day or two each week. His dad and I are working this through, for years now, with no yelling and meanness. The first year was hard.

 

I am in a relationship with a caring, compassionate, intellingent man who told me that once he had started one of those games... found himself playing way too much and actually quit it completely -- said he had many better things to do with his time... like... to have a life.

 

Get couseling for yourself. Protect yourself and the kids. Keep a positive goal in mind -- even if it means without him. And I wish you all the best with this difficult time.

 

 

Kristin in Hawaii

(Long ago forum member back when I was trying to figure out this thing called homeschooling ;)

 

Homeschooling 1 dear boy -- 12 yrs old and in 7th grade

[Scarlett]

It would get a message across. Much better to lock him out than to leave herself. Why would she want to go stay in a hotel. Let him go. Court orders take time.

 

I'm not suggesting she go to a hotel. But I'm also saying that many many many men would NOT just accept a changed locked and meekly go away. Mine certainly would not. Nor would I if he changed the locks on me.

[Julpost]

Well, I so appreciate all of the advice. For now, I'm relying on constant prayer and doing my own thing. He's out right now at the laundromat w/ oldest ds and our 1 year old. He's acting all friendly, nice, "I love you"....whatever. I'm just doing my own thing and trying to enjoy my Saturday. I've been watching movies and now I'm going to go enjoy my girls.

 

If my sister were here, I'd take the kids and move in with her for a few weeks. I think that would get the message across to him, loud and clear. It's insulting that he cares so little about my feelings. But if I don't fight with him, then he can't justify his behavior w/how horrible I am.

[Joanne]

Well, I so appreciate all of the advice. For now, I'm relying on constant prayer and doing my own thing. He's out right now at the laundromat w/ oldest ds and our 1 year old. He's acting all friendly, nice, "I love you"....whatever. I'm just doing my own thing and trying to enjoy my Saturday. I've been watching movies and now I'm going to go enjoy my girls.

 

If my sister were here, I'd take the kids and move in with her for a few weeks. I think that would get the message across to him, loud and clear. It's insulting that he cares so little about my feelings. But if I don't fight with him, then he can't justify his behavior w/how horrible I am.

 

Actually, it wouldn't. If you take dramatic action in response to an addict hoping they'll "get it", you'll be dissappointed. If you leave, it needs to be because you've decided to live free from the mess of daily living with an addict.

 

Going to your sisters would only invite justification, argument and rationalization on his part.

[Elaine]

Oh, Julpost - I am so, so sorry you are going through this.

 

BUT...I was there (with an addict) and I remember staying and putting up with stuff because there didn't seem any way to leave. When it finally came crashing down it WAS hard....but it was SO MUCH BETTER.

 

There are two ways for it to go. One, you leave and he has a big revelation about what is really important in his life.

 

Two, you leave and it turns out that was the right thing for you.

 

My bet is that one is closer to the truth, judging only by what I've heard so far. It sounds like your dh is floundering. He's in over his head. He's trying to escape, he's lashing out...it almost needs to get to the worst possible case for him so he can finally admit he needs some help here.

 

You have lots of young kids. He's the breadwinner, right? Sounds to me like he's in crisis. That doesn't mean he gets to take it out on you. Ask your family for help. See your minister for a counselling session? (Do they do this?)Separate temporarily from your dh. And then see if you have a relationship that can be built on.

 

I think too often in modern life we don't ask the older people around us for help. We're too embarrassed to put our marital problems out there in the light of day. We hide everything. Why not let the older, wiser people around you two help out - both through wisdom and physical help?

 

You have some pluses here. Your dh doesn't sound abusive. There doesn't seem to be drugs or alcohol involved. The two of you are (fairly) rational (although he doesn't seem so right now). If anyone can save a marriage, it should be the two of you, you know? Go ahead and be dramatic! Save the marriage!

 

I hope some of this helps.

 

I agree with this except for one thing, you should not leave, he should. He needs to feel the repercussions of his actions. He should come home to his bags packed and sitting on the front lawn. You leaving just gives him more time with the game.

 

And I would destroy the game, but that's the 12 year old in me.

 

(((Julpost))):grouphug:I'm really sorry.

[hornblower]

Please, please, get some help & counselling. Make the time. Please.

 

Someone very close to me is in a very long term relationship with an addicted man and she has spent more than 40 years adjusting her life, adjusting her expectations, ALL to meet his needs. There have been affairs, separations, they even got awfully close to a divorce, but when they needed to make the decision (due to tax reasons), she went back, because 'it wasn't THAT bad'...... Each year it's harder for her to leave. I think she can't envision her life alone now. I am so deeply sad for her. She has steadfastly refused to discuss it with any counsellor or join any support group.

 

I think she fears what they'll say.

 

Even though she intellectually understands nobody will 'make' her do anything, I think she realizes she'll hear things which will change her look on things.

 

And she is too afraid to see things differently.

 

I think the hardest part for spouses of addicts to face is the 'enabler' role that they're playing.

 

 

Your children are being harmed. I know this.

 

I think the advice someone already gave of - if this were your daughter, would you want this for her? - is good. Is this the life you'd want for her?

 

Is this the life you want for you?

 

You don't need to make decisions now. You can take your time. But you need to be brave and see things as they are, not as you wish them to be. And remember, you are stronger than you think.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Wish]

*Sigh*.

 

WoW isn't the problem, it is your husband's addiction. =/. What you really need to do is sit down with him and talk about it. If you want him to watch a movie with you, you can designate 1-3 nights a week where he has to spend time with YOU and not his game. Say this calmly, and make sure not to go "YOU ARE SPENDING 3 NIGHTS A WEEK OFF YOUR GAME." Try to take it sloooowly.