Just some venting and complaining

[Indigo Blue]

My niece will be getting married in a few months. She and my mom had a pretty intense blow up (which I’ve posted about) and niece did not come around to see her for a very long time. During this time, my mom completely trashed her to me. She had been the favored grandchild. 
 

My mom doesn’t get along with my niece’s mother. My dad will probably come. My mom and dad don’t get along. My other brother and mom have sort of a surface relationship. It’s supposed to be a small wedding. 
 

I am very happy for my niece. But…I just am not looking forward to going. My sons, Dh, and I are planning to attend the wedding and reception. I think mom and golden child brother are only going to the reception. 
 

Mom will try to dump all her negative rants, thoughts, and judgments about everything on me, either at the reception or later. I am planning not to sit near her. Later, I can just change the subject. 
 

I have very bad feet and haven’t worn anything other than tennis shoes in 15 years. I don’t know what to do about that. 
 

Then there is the weirdness about invitations. Niece sent out save the date cards. My mom told me niece had asked her for both my son’s addresses. She had actually asked her for mine, too, but mom only gave my sons. I did not know this, so I could not figure out why niece didn’t send an invitation to me. Finally, I asked mom about it. I found out that niece needed my address. So, I texted it to her myself rather than rely on mom to do it. I just said, “ sorry, that there had been a bit of confusion, but I wanted to make sure you have my address”. There was no response. 
 

I just want to go to the wedding and skip the reception. The boys are coming from out of town to go to both, so I should probably go, too. 
 

I wish her all the best, but I am dreading having to deal with all. the. things. 
 

 

Edited January 23 by Indigo Blue

[Katy]

Well if you don’t get an invitation you won’t need to worry about it. I’d flat-out avoid your mom, and when she finds you to complain say, “I don’t want to hear another thing about it,” repeatedly. 

Will it be warm enough for sandals? If not, maybe some barefoot ballet slippers from Xero or similar brand. If you need the support & structure of tennis shoes, try Land’s End mary janes. I got some new with tags from a thrift store once and I was surprised how similar to tennis shoes they were in terms of support. I didn’t ever wear them so I donated them back, but they were comfortable and more dressy than Nike. 

[Katy]

https://anyasreviews.com/the-10-best-stylish-barefoot-dress-shoes-for-women/
 

[Faith-manor]

Well, technically, if you don't get an official invitation for you and dh, you are not supposed to attend. Do you suppose your wicked, ridiculous mother filled niece's head with a lot of notions and now she doesn't want to see you?

I would be inclined not to attend, but send a generous gift and loving notes regrets but dh and I already had a calendar booking for the wedding date, and no explanation. My reason for doing this would be because if your mom is targeting you or laying in wait to use the event to create drama, being there might make that drama even worse. It might be a kindness to not go there as a target for the crazy.

[Indigo Blue]

Gosh, thank you, @Katy.  I’ll keep that link. I may pull the black Chaco sandals from the attic. Maybe they will do for the wedding, then tennis shoes for the reception. (It’s in a more casual setting). The wedding will be just walk in and sit down. 

[Indigo Blue]

6 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Well, technically, if you don't get an official invitation for you and dh, you are not supposed to attend.

If she doesn’t send one, it’s most likely an oversight, I think. It could end up being an awkward situation. I agree with you that you shouldn’t go unless you receive one. What would happen is….as soon as mom found out I wasn’t going, she’d text or call niece. Niece would tell mom to tell me it was an oversight. (Unless there is something else going on with niece, which I have no reason to think is the case). Regarding my mom, at this point in life, I can’t really be sure of anything. I have gut feelings and suspicions that everyone is triangulated, probably including me. 
 

Anyway, at some point, I will probably get one in the mail, but if I don’t, I guess I wouldn’t go?

[scholastica]

14 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

If she doesn’t send one, it’s most likely an oversight, I think. It could end up being an awkward situation. I agree with you that you shouldn’t go unless you receive one. What would happen is….as soon as mom found out I wasn’t going, she’d text or call niece. Niece would tell mom to tell me it was an oversight. (Unless there is something else going on with niece, which I have no reason to think is the case). Regarding my mom, at this point in life, I can’t really be sure of anything. I have gut feelings and suspicions that everyone is triangulated, probably including me. 
 

Anyway, at some point, I will probably get one in the mail, but if I don’t, I guess I wouldn’t go?

Unless your mother intentionally didn’t give the address and gave the impression that you didn’t want to be invited. 

[Faith-manor]

11 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

If she doesn’t send one, it’s most likely an oversight, I think. It could end up being an awkward situation. I agree with you that you shouldn’t go unless you receive one. What would happen is….as soon as mom found out I wasn’t going, she’d text or call niece. Niece would tell mom to tell me it was an oversight. (Unless there is something else going on with niece, which I have no reason to think is the case). Regarding my mom, at this point in life, I can’t really be sure of anything. I have gut feelings and suspicions that everyone is triangulated, probably including me. 
 

Anyway, at some point, I will probably get one in the mail, but if I don’t, I guess I wouldn’t go?

Yes, do not go. It legitimate. You didn't an invite, so you rightfully assumed you were not invited. That said, I really do think your mom is probably manipulating things for a drama, and she probably plans on including you in that. I would be inclined, since you have not officially been invited, to put something on the calendar for the day.

I recently went through this. My narcissistic sister in law manipulated niece to make sure we were not invited to her September wedding. Then, with one week to the big day, the dress needed emergency alterations and repairs (niece had lost some weight, and then a seam frayed out when she was trying it on), and my mom could not do that work without help due to her arthritis. Niece came to me with the gown, and I decided to be nice and help her out which was a BIG job and well worth $350 in alterations at a bridal store. She then invited me to the wedding in the same breath telling me that her mom was the one who pressured her to not invite us. I just nodded along, then said we had plans (which we did not), and told her the alterations were the wedding gift. She was grateful, sad that we weren't coming, but not angry or really upset.

Sister in law went on to pick someone else to have a b$tch cakes melt down on at the reception. So very glad I was not there for that. I think it was for the best all around. My presence would have amped  up silks behavior even worse because she would have been thwarted in her efforts to not have us there.

I am sorry. It sucks!

[zimom]

46 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

black Chaco sandals

I have a pair of leather Chacos that feel just as great as the regular Chacos and bonus, look very nice.  You might want to check them out.  

[Indigo Blue]

I think in this case, my mom somehow thought that she had actually asked for my address, too, to pass along to niece. I explained that she hadn’t asked, which is why I gave her only my son’s addresses to pass along. Mom, not liking that I had told her she was wrong (even though I wasn’t at all angry…just stating facts plainly), whipped out her phone on my last visit (as soon as golden child brother left the house, as always) to “prove” by showing the string of texts between her and niece, that I was wrong. She lifted the phone up slowly toward my face without even saying a word. I knew immediately what was going on. She intended to be all “see, you were wrong!” When I read through the texts and pointed out where the confusion was, she then just said, “Oh.” 
 

So I could then see why niece hadn’t sent an invitation. She really didn’t have my address. So, instead of texting me, niece just didn’t send one. So, I texted niece myself, and got no response. I am not very close to this niece, but I’m pretty sure she just forgot or for whatever reason didn’t bother to make sure that she had sent one to me. 

[Indigo Blue]

Anyway, I’m glad I mentioned this here because I was wondering what to do if no invitation ever came, even if I think it’s an oversight. So thanks. 

[Terabith]

It doesn’t matter why you didn’t get an invitation, though.  You don’t show up if you didn’t get one. 

[Indigo Blue]

I wouldn’t go without an invitation, but I’m sure my mom will ask about that soon. Given the non response to my text, how do I handle this all? If she knows I haven’t gotten an invitation, she will surely ask my niece why. 

[scholastica]

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

I think in this case, my mom somehow thought that she had actually asked for my address, too, to pass along to niece. I explained that she hadn’t asked, which is why I gave her only my son’s addresses to pass along. Mom, not liking that I had told her she was wrong (even though I wasn’t at all angry…just stating facts plainly), whipped out her phone on my last visit (as soon as golden child brother left the house, as always) to “prove” by showing the string of texts between her and niece, that I was wrong. She lifted the phone up slowly toward my face without even saying a word. I knew immediately what was going on. She intended to be all “see, you were wrong!” When I read through the texts and pointed out where the confusion was, she then just said, “Oh.” 
 

So I could then see why niece hadn’t sent an invitation. She really didn’t have my address. So, instead of texting me, niece just didn’t send one. So, I texted niece myself, and got no response. I am not very close to this niece, but I’m pretty sure she just forgot or for whatever reason didn’t bother to make sure that she had sent one to me. 

 She was being petty. “You didn’t fulfill my exact request, I’ll show you!” She needs a different hobby.

[73349]

On 1/23/2024 at 2:40 PM, Indigo Blue said:

I wouldn’t go without an invitation, but I’m sure my mom will ask about that soon. Given the non response to my text, how do I handle this all? If she knows I haven’t gotten an invitation, she will surely ask my niece why. 

Sometimes we get busy and don't look at the mail for a few days.

[lmrich]

voice of dissent here... we never got an invitation to my nephew's wedding. We are invited. We are close and have no drama - inviations do get lost in the mail. 

Look to see if the couple is registered on The Knot. Lots of folks are putting the RSVP there; your kids who got invitations can see if you are on the invite list. (how we knew were invited without getting an invite in the mail) 

But don't go if you don't want to. 

[bolt.]

I'm thinking that, based on the way my kids feel about their aunts, it's possible that your niece hasn't had two thoughts about you coming or not coming, and that she meant to send you an invitation with all the others, but now it's not likely that she will get around to sending off a special late invite just for you.

Therefore, since what you *want* is to go to the ceremony but not the reception, I feel like that's a perfectly reasonable plan.

I think you should contact the bride's mother (who is the etiquette-appropriate point-person for issues like this) with a phone call. Explain the address mixup and that you may have been overlooked. Tell her that you are happy to come if you are wanted, there is no need for an official paper invitation. Tell her that of course you are equally happy if the wedding needs to be small and you aren't included in the inner circle. That's perfectly normal, and you aren't offended in the slightest. Also let her know that you aren't up to attending the reception, so you would be ceremony-only if that impacts the numbers at all.

Ask her to check in with the bride as-to whether you should consider yourself invited or not, and get back to you.

Tell your mother nothing.

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, bolt. said:

I'm thinking that, based on the way my kids feel about their aunts, it's possible that your niece hasn't had two thoughts about you coming or not coming, and that she meant to send you an invitation with all the others, but now it's not likely that she will get around to sending off a special late invite just for you.

Therefore, since what you *want* is to go to the ceremony but not the reception, I feel like that's a perfectly reasonable plan.

I think you should contact the bride's mother (who is the etiquette-appropriate point-person for issues like this) with a phone call. Explain the address mixup and that you may have been overlooked. Tell her that you are happy to come if you are wanted, there is no need for an official paper invitation. Tell her that of course you are equally happy if the wedding needs to be small and you aren't included in the inner circle. That's perfectly normal, and you aren't offended in the slightest. Also let her know that you aren't up to attending the reception, so you would be ceremony-only if that impacts the numbers at all.

Ask her to check in with the bride as-to whether you should consider yourself invited or not, and get back to you.

Tell your mother nothing.

Thank you, Bolt. That sounds like great advice. I just want to consider that 1) There was no response to my sending my niece my address, 2) I did not receive a late first invite (which, I agree with you that that it may be reasonable that she will not. But….IF she 3) Does not send a second invitation, that would make me really consider not going, even though I am 99 percent sure she would want me to come and somehow I just ended up not getting invited by mail. 
 

But I would consider talking to her mom. I’m still planning to send a gift. 
 

And I will say nothing to my mom. 
 

Thank you! I really appreciate your chiming in with your words of wisdom.