Should I tell the coach about a mean mom?

[Ting Tang]

Last year, I stopped talking to a woman whose daughter is coached by my daughter’s coach. She spoke ill of others and was also a bit  aggressive, asking my daughter to perform for her. She made a comment to me about my daughter’s practicing, and well, the list goes on. Over the weekend, we went to the same competition. Her daughter came up to us and spent the day around my daughter, me, and another student of the coach’s. It was awkward. At the end of the day, the little girl pushed my daughter and another child to get her award. It was crowded, but it was rude. Anyway, in reviewing a video of my daughter performing a solo event, the woman is whispering and repeatedly pointing— it appears to be directed towards my daughter. I sent the video to someone else because at this point, I’m paranoid. The other person agreed with me. There’s no law against watching, but nobody else is doing this. The two girls are competition at times. Should I let it go? This woman is living in my head. I no longer enjoy going to these things because of her. I hoped the problem would take care of itself such as by someone else saying something. I’m afraid saying anything will just make me look bad. 

Edited December 13, 2023 by Ting Tang

[HomeAgain]

I want to lean toward yes, but the reality is that the coach would most likely be very hesitant to do anything.  Parents can suck.  Sometimes it helps to adopt a "bless your heart" attitude.  I had a parent last year be incredibly rude when I relayed a request from my own kid about something hers was doing.  I mean, incredibly, incredibly rude.  Feeling sorry for her that she never developed social skills and was in over her head helped quite a bit.  It kept the team focused on what they should be doing (her own kid knocked his nonsense off when it wasn't taken kindly by others), and I just stayed away from her and her crazy.  I don't hide my emotions well, so the few times I did have to interact my "aren't you just precious?" attitude was right there with me.

[teachermom2834]

There is always the possibility with these things that if you complain, then you come off looking like the crazy person. 
 

If there is any way possible to let this go I think that is the best approach. 

[marbel]

What would you say to the coach? What expectation do you have of the coach once you say something?  

Probably 50% of the people I encounter are rude, awkward, and/or aggressive in some way. I get why you'd feel uncomfortable with the whispering and pointing but if you don't know what she was saying, what can be done about it? I suppose anyone might do that at a performance, they could be speaking in either a positive or negative way. I mean, I get that you know her and have reason to assume it's negative, but what could the coach do with it? 

Not arguing with you or telling you you're wrong, but just wondering what you expect if you say something. 

Edited December 13, 2023 by marbel

[Ting Tang]

Thank you all. That’s just it, what would be the outcome? Probably nothing.  I think I won’t say anything. I’ve already made changes this year to avoid her during lesson times, thus reducing the times I’m in her presence. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

Why are there so many rude people? Sigh.

[Xahm]

I might say something to the coach about how you'd like the coach to keep an eye out. That mom and daughter have behaved negatively towards your child, and you want the coach to know that if the coach sees it, it's part of a pattern, not a "one off."

[Tenaj]

Coaches have a ton of stuff to keep track of and I would not burden them with this.  That said, I would keep a close eye on the situation and be especially careful when you know the other daughter/mother is around.  I might even have a discussion with your daughter about it being fine to just stay away from this kid as much as possible.

 

[Tap]

No. Unless she does something that is physically or emotionally harmful to a student, I would not involve the coach. The coach coaches the kids, not the parents. Being a poor audience member is not harmful, but honestly is pretty typical. Anyone who competes needs to be able to block them out. If she was screaming from the seats to put down a student, that would be different, or trying to coach from the seats. Pointing and talking, is so minor...not something to worry about. Obviously I am not looking at the video and don't know how severe it is, but this is an opportunity to teach your child to ignore and not mentally engage with people who are unpleasant.

If this is bothering you to the point you want to not attend, then I would suggest you can look for more ways to avoid and ignore her. It is absolutely not worth your mental energy to waste time on this. 

[SKL]

I would not tell the coach.  But I'd try hard to stay far away from that family.

[zimom]

First, I can assure you the coach is already well aware of this mother and her antics.   They know what is going on, but just for their own sanity, and the kids, they have to focus on their students and not get involved in the parent drama.

My own drama, we had one mom who was such a problem.  She tracked all the statistics of all the other athletes and was constantly in the children's business.  She was the most toxic part of our team.   I gave my daughter permission to walk away from her and not even respond to her when she started questioning her, something I would never condone with any other adult.   Finally, one day at a meet, when I had already had a stressful day, I walked in and she started in on my daughter right in front of me, questioning her again.  I'm not proud of myself, but at the same time I am 🙂  I looked her in the eye and let her know that my daughter's name was never to cross her lips again, she was never to talk to or about my daughter again.  My child was none of her concern and she should focus on her own child only.  From that point on, she gave my daughter and I a huge berth.  It was wonderful.   

 

[prairiewindmomma]

If you ever have to confront, do it to the mean mom in front of others, and speak very specifically. "Please don't ask my kid to ever perform for you ever again." If your kid is pushed by her kid, confront the kid. "It is not okay that you pushed dd. I realize it's crowded, but there are better ways to handle the situation, next time, just say, "Excuse me.""

Don't bring the coach into this. Coach is likely aware, but has to play the political game. 

But also, don't let this woman take up headspace for you or keep you from doing what you want to do. 

[Ting Tang]

Thank you all so very much!  My daughter had her lesson today, and I did not mention what happened at all.  I already know she was talking about and pointing at my daughter because had her daughter been competing in her events, she would have had her eyes on her and wouldn't have been speaking to the other woman.  My only hope is that she is trying to engage people who think like me.  They will eventually distance themselves, too.  I really regret my daughter being in certain scenarios with this woman.  I've made it clear with my daughter that at the next competition, she is not to be around this woman's daughter and that we will remove ourselves because "they are not good people to be around."  I do wonder if the coach has an idea about this woman because though we've gotten the brunt of it, she has been aggressive with another by my witnessing.