Reminders of hurtful mistakes you've made

[SKL]

I did a wrong thing earlier this year.  I didn't think it was wrong at the time, but I was relying on ASS-umptions [about my power/control and other things].  I was told off and I apologized, and the world has moved on, but I still feel very badly about it.

I keep seeing [innocent] emails and facebook posts that remind me how I was a bad person.  I could turn off these reminders, but I'm of two minds:

1) The reminders might help me to avoid making hurtful mistakes in the future.

2) The reminders put me in a serious funk every time.

So this made me wonder what Hive wisdom would say about this.  Is it better to be reminded so you are sure to learn from your mistake, or is it better to put it behind you and move on?

[Kidlit]

Put it behind you and move on.  If the lesson is learned, it's learned.  Why keep roiling in the angst?

[TheReader]

For me, from my experience, it's more helpful to me to move on. Part of the learning process (for me) was/is in learning to forgive myself. I felt so badly about the thing, and it sounds like you did too, that I'm insanely unlikely to ever make that mistake again - that part of the lesson sank in, bone deep, pretty quickly after. 

So, the reminders are not the reason why I'm not going to do it again -- I'm not going to do it again b/c it hurt people, it made a mess of things, it felt awful once I realized it, etc. I've internalized that, already. 

The reminders (for me), serve as guilt-inducers. Shame-bringers. Not anything helpful. And I do struggle with forgiving myself - the people who I wronged have forgiven me. I have to forgive myself. Once I do/did, the things I see that would have reminded me of that, no longer hurt as much/put me back in that funk. 

[SKL]

I suppose it would help to know I'm forgiven, but I don't know that; nor am I going to bring it up afresh just to satisfy my own needs.  There also isn't a way for me to "make it up."

I agree that forgiveness of self is really important and can be difficult to learn.

On the other hand, I worry that if I put everything behind me, I'll return to the same type of thinking that led to this mistake.  I really need to un-learn that type of thinking.

[Heartstrings]

You apologized, which is all you can do.  Is there a different way you can work on un learning the type of thinking that led to the mistake?  Helpful quotes, books, lectures? Therapy? Journaling? Maybe some sort of volunteer work or regular charitable giving?  Something that can let you keep the idea that you don't want to be that sort of person but removing the guilt and shame aspect.  Guilt and shame feel like the correct way to go, to make sure we feel "punished" but its not actually very helpful and is often counterproductive.  

[SanDiegoMom]

I have done/said some dumb things that I regret over the years.  If I continued to think about them, I would be constantly feeling embarrassed and ashamed.  So I try to think imagine how I would feel if it was a close friend or family member that had said them.  Would I want them rehashing them all the time, worrying about what they had done? I am very quick to forgive and forget for others, and I would never want someone to continue to feel bad about something they said, if they regretted it.  I would put it in the past for good.

If you have not been forgiven after being truly regretful, that is less about you than it is about the other person. 

[MercyA]

Put it behind you. You learned the lesson; no need to wallow.

I am reminded of a line from a 77's song: "You can't go back, you can go on." 

[Kanin]

I vote move on. It sounds like you won't forget it... so you can stop berating yourself but retain the lesson the experience taught you.

Maybe there's a way to keep your new goal in mind, but not constantly beat yourself up. Like, a sticky note on the kitchen cabinet with a word or two that keeps your new way of thinking at the forefront.

It sounds like you're worried that you'll make a similar mistake in the future, but frequently being thrown into a serious funk doesn't seem like the way to avoid the mistake. 

 

[Scarlett]

That is called pain shopping. Extremely unproductive and harmful. 

[Shoeless]

You aren't a bad person. You made an error in judgement. Forgive yourself and move on. 

[Shoeless]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

That is called pain shopping. Extremely unproductive and harmful. 

I have never heard that expression before. Is it specific to social media? 

I kind of like it. 

[J-rap]

I get it.  I once told my doctor about a mistake I made and how I couldn't stop blaming myself.  He told me to instead of telling myself: "I should have done it differently," to tell myself: "I wish I had done it differently" and then to let it go.

Such an easy answer, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

 

[Scarlett]

27 minutes ago, Shoeless said:

I have never heard that expression before. Is it specific to social media? 

I kind of like it. 

No I learned it first on a marriage board in reference to continuing to learn details of your spouses affair long past the point of productivity. Or stalking up on an ex….It often does involve social media though in this day and age.  

Edited July 22, 2023 by Scarlett

[Clarita]

22 hours ago, SKL said:

Is it better to be reminded so you are sure to learn from your mistake, or is it better to put it behind you and move on?

You are going to learn from your mistake by constantly reminding yourself what a bad person you are. If you really want to learn from your mistakes, it's to figure out what better action you are going to take next time this similar situation occurs. For example if you ran your mouth when you shouldn't have, then maybe it's learning to take a pause before reacting.