I hate feeling like a Karen. Carrie is close enough.

[Heartstrings]

1 hour ago, math teacher said:

Dh and I used to love just driving around looking/exploring. I would sometimes do it just on my own as a way to enjoy spending an hour. I don't feel safe doing that anymore, and that makes me sad.

I did that a lot to get toddlers to sleep or just have a little bit of time where they were safely in their car seat instead of trying to climb the refrigerator.  I’m not sure how I would have survived those years without that as an option.  It does make me sad to think of moms trapped at home without even the option to go drive around a bit to get a tiny break.  People are so unaccepting of children out and about, and now even  the car is also fraught because it might not be safe.   😔  Modern young motherhood is impossible. 

We did have an unnerving experience doing it though.  We were out on a weekend having a drive around and chose to go drive around the really nice neighborhood, with the big houses.   We  weren’t circling and circling, just one time around the loop.  About half way through an old man walks to the middle of the street to obviously take a picture of our license plate.  Our old car was out of place, apparently.   It was really unsettling.  He clearly wasn’t fearful, he wasn’t being discreet, he was very obvious.  
 

If someone had torn after us in a car to give chase it would have been very upsetting.  Who knows if we would have acted “appropriately” to being chased down the street by an aggressive stranger.  What is the appropriate response to that? 

Edited July 3, 2023 by Heartstrings

[Lecka]

This happened with someone we know…. We know the person who followed someone who cut him off and then flipped him off and was acting aggressively.  
 

The person we know made a U turn and started following this guy.

 

The guy called 911 and was told to drive to a gas station.  
 

The person we know got there and it turned out there were 3 police cars there he hadn’t noticed.  A police sergeant talked to him for a long time.

 

The person we know voluntarily went to an emergency room for mental health problems and spent 2 days in a mental hospital.  Now he’s doing a lot better.  Prior to this he already had chosen to remove a gun from his home (about 6 months previously).

 

The other person was in the wrong but so was the person we knew, and he fully intended to fight this guy for flipping him off.  
 

Edit:  we are so glad it all worked out, it was something that could have turned out really awful. 
 

Edit:  it was 3 or 4 days later that he went to the emergency room, but this was a main thing that led him to go.  
 

Edit: I think he saw this guy cut someone off in the opposite lane and drive aggressively, and he made a “what are you doing” hand motion (like throwing his hands in the air), and then the guy flipped him off and he made a U turn.  The guy definitely flipped him off and was doing the wrong thing, though.  
 

But thank goodness the person we know didn’t assault him, sigh.  (Edit — or get shot.)

Edited July 3, 2023 by Lecka

[KeriJ]

I'm not sure where this fits in the conversation,  but it made me think of last Thanksgiving. We had just finished dinner and thought taking a family walk sounded like a good idea. Granted, there were a lot of us. But it was 2 middle aged parents, 3 elderly grandparents, and our 5 teen/preteen kids. We walked through our neighborhood and onto other residential streets where we have always walked. 

But one of my kids pointed out that a lady was taking a video of us through her kitchen window. It made me feel weird, because I couldn't figure out what we were doing that was so crazy as we strolled through town chatting quietly on a holiday.  

[Sneezyone]

14 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

I think this is the root of my uncertainty and discomfort. And I’m asking completely openly and honestly - Is something weaponized suspicion when it’s something that I would avoid doing myself out of concern for making someone  uncomfortable? Is something weaponized suspicion when race or ethnicity is unknown or white? And is it weaponized suspicion when the only action taken (and let’s say by me, or in a hypothetical) is talking it out with other people?

 I’m taking this conversation seriously because it IS important to me. I’m also coming from a previous neighborhood (Not suburb)with private security patrolling and manning gates, to an open neighborhood (also not suburb) without those things, so I’m navigating a new normal.

And yes, I think I am, overall, more suspicious or cynical than some people. I think it’s mostly innate, but it’s likely exacerbated by ties to emergency services and high profile cases every couple of years or so. This is a lot of personal detail, but I used to walk my dogs past the house of a guy who killed multiple people, and now I live right near where a guy tried to kill his wife in front of his kids. Plus my kid got bit by an adult human at work last night. So, no, I don’t trust people.

Those feelings are in conflict with my values when it comes to being a good citizen/person who wants to make the world a better place. While I’ve appreciated this conversation, I’m really struggling with how I’m going to reconcile these two things.

I think the suggestion Farrar gave up thread about interrogating your feelings is a good one. We all have instincts and reflexive/instinctive responses to things. Weaponized suspicion hurts everyone but just like most burdens, falls heaviest on those society deems unworthy and undesirable. In answer to your question tho, there are all sorts of things that I wouldn’t do that are perfectly normal/harmless things and shouldn’t inspire suspicion or fear.

Edited July 3, 2023 by Sneezyone

[Catwoman]

21 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Again, this is JUST ME.  But I would feel like I was invading someone's space by parking in front of a house where I didn't know someone.  I would feel creepy.  Again, just me. 

Not just you. I would feel the same way. 🙂 

[Catwoman]

6 hours ago, Lecka said:

This happened with someone we know…. We know the person who followed someone who cut him off and then flipped him off and was acting aggressively.  
 

The person we know made a U turn and started following this guy.

 

The guy called 911 and was told to drive to a gas station.  
 

The person we know got there and it turned out there were 3 police cars there he hadn’t noticed.  A police sergeant talked to him for a long time.

 

The person we know voluntarily went to an emergency room for mental health problems and spent 2 days in a mental hospital.  Now he’s doing a lot better.  Prior to this he already had chosen to remove a gun from his home (about 6 months previously).

 

The other person was in the wrong but so was the person we knew, and he fully intended to fight this guy for flipping him off.  
 

Edit:  we are so glad it all worked out, it was something that could have turned out really awful. 
 

Edit:  it was 3 or 4 days later that he went to the emergency room, but this was a main thing that led him to go.  
 

Edit: I think he saw this guy cut someone off in the opposite lane and drive aggressively, and he made a “what are you doing” hand motion (like throwing his hands in the air), and then the guy flipped him off and he made a U turn.  The guy definitely flipped him off and was doing the wrong thing, though.  
 

But thank goodness the person we know didn’t assault him, sigh.  (Edit — or get shot.)

I'm not sure why someone flipping someone else the bird would be considered worthy of anything more than an eyeroll. I think a person would have to be pretty unhinged to turn around and follow someone who flipped them off.

I personally wouldn't place any blame on the guy who made the hand gesture. I mean, sure it was a little rude, but hardly anything worth getting upset about. 

 

[Lecka]

He was a bit unhinged, and this was a catalyst in him seeking mental health treatment.  

But he was not the first person to do something aggressive, he just totally overreacted.

To me the OP’s husband did something aggressive in following someone.  Who knows what that person could have done?

The person we know is also someone who has seen a lot of bad things and had life experiences that contribute to him being sensitive to other people being aggressive towards him.  It is not an excuse.  It is a warning sign if anything.  
 

A lot of people have an attitude of — I will be aggressive first, that is more safe.  Or they think if there is a small aggression they are more safe if they make a big response.  
 

But it counts on the other person backing down.  
 

It is often a totally, totally bad idea.

 

But to some extent the OP’s husband is playing by these rules?  Because he thinks “they need to know not to mess with me?” But then the other person could have no idea why this person is following them, and then in turn get into “this person needs to know not to mess with me.”

 

It is such a problem, because in most of society it is not useful to be willing to fight and willing to show you won’t tolerate aggression.

 

But there are reasons people get this way, and then they can get in trouble.  
 

For me personally the people I know like this all have PTSD.  They all have some reason that totally makes sense for them feeling this way.  It does change that it is really counter-productive and gets people in trouble.  It seems like it causes people to be less safe instead of more safe a lot of the time.  It’s not good to be too easily threatened this way, if that means acting on it in some aggressive way.  
 

Fortunately most people are not this way and just avoid or de-escalate things when other people are this way. 

 

[wintermom]

On 7/1/2023 at 7:09 PM, Carrie12345 said:

I hate being a suspicious person. I am all kumbaya-benefit-of-the-doubt-leftist-love-humanity at a macro level, but I hate actual people.

Anyway, my street ends in a GIANT cul-de-sac, with only 2 secluded houses and woods on it. It was a hot spot for kids doing donuts (and other stuff) until we moved in, and now it rarely happens. Amazon drivers, trash collectors, and utility workers like to rest there. 🤨 And random people drive up and around for unknown reasons.

Dh and I were coming home yesterday and passed a car full of people with an out of state plate driving down slowly past our house.  
Just a bit ago, same car came circling slowly again. “Genius” Dh got in his car and followed them. They did some sketchy maneuvering with hazard lights and a fake out turn, and Dh quit tailing them. Before HE got back, they came around again!!!

I guess I’m not genuinely afraid, because I’m still sitting out here while my mentally unstable violent neighbor blares EDM from his deck, or maybe I just have an underdeveloped sense of fear, lol. But I do have my dog.

Anyway, why do people have to act all suspicious and weird, making me question their behavior??? Like, yeah, it’s a public road, but why creep on my house at least 3 times in 2 days?!?!

I've read many but not all posts, so apologies if this has already been mentioned. You are realively new to the area, so I'd suggested talking to your neighbours (who have been in their homes longer than you) and asking about traffic such as this. They may know what was likely happening with this car, or at least you and your neighbour can begin to build relationships to look out for each other. Neighbourhood watch, whether formal or informal, is a good practice I would think, especially in a remote cul-de-sac. 

It looks like you've already realized that your dh chasing after a car for little reason is NOT genius, and I completely agree. What was his thought process? You may want to talk through this kind of thing so that you better understand what he was anticipating, and then you could let him know your thoughts on this. Presumably you both want to live as stressfree as possible in your beautiful new home. 

Edited July 4, 2023 by wintermom

[MagistraKennedy]

On 7/2/2023 at 7:42 PM, TexasProud said:

Again, this is JUST ME.  But I would feel like I was invading someone's space by parking in front of a house where I didn't know someone.  I would feel creepy.  Again, just me. 

I feel the same way. 🤷‍♀️

[vonfirmath]

....

Edited July 12, 2023 by vonfirmath
deleting