Dating expectations

[Ting Tang]

If it were me, I would also want more communication from him because it is the holiday season. It is supposed to be a magical time of the year, so romance is nice, right?

Sorry if I haven't read every reply in detail. But you can always send a message letting him know you're thinking of him and good night.

As a side note, my husband has a friend with two elementary school aged kids who is divorced.  His children have met all of his girlfriends, and rather fast, and then they break up over what I think are stupid reasons. It didn't seem right. I imagine dating could be very hard when you both have children.  I hope there can be a compromise.  Hopefully you can chat about it and feel more at ease.   There really are plenty of fish in the sea if it doesn't work out in the end---  

[Guest]

8 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Thurs he was supposed to come to my house and even spend the night as I am on way to dr office. Then on Wed he canceled because he said he needed to wrap Christmas presents before kids got released for break and came over. I felt like really?? I got blown off to wrap gifts? I offered to help but it was his turn to drive to me and he didn’t want to drive gifts to me (plus I later realized they wouldn’t all fit in his trunk)… then I had medical emergency on Thursday so I definitely wasn’t in condition to drive. I know the whole thing is stupid! He really wasn’t trying to be rude. He really wrapped gifts. I just felt like some of his reasons are things I’d call excuses. 

If this scenario happened with me as him, I would be annoyed by you. (Of course, he may feel differently completely but *I* would feel annoyed.) I don’t know if you said, “it’s your turn to come to me” or if you’re just saying that for the thread Information, but I would find that highly annoying. I mean, gifts *do* need wrapping and I would interpret that as neediness and inflexibility on your part. 

 

[heartlikealion]

2 minutes ago, Quill said:

If this scenario happened with me as him, I would be annoyed by you. (Of course, he may feel differently completely but *I* would feel annoyed.) I don’t know if you said, “it’s your turn to come to me” or if you’re just saying that for the thread Information, but I would find that highly annoying. I mean, gifts *do* need wrapping and I would interpret that as neediness and inflexibility on your part. 

 

He was supposed to come Sun, then Tues then moved it to Thursday and all those got canceled. But it doesn’t matter now. 

[Guest]

Just now, heartlikealion said:

He was supposed to come Sun, then Tues then moved it to Thursday and all those got canceled. But it doesn’t matter now. 

Did you say, “It’s your turn to come to me”, though? I’m not sure if that was actually expressed? Because that feels unpleasant to *me* - he may not feel annoyed by that but I would be. 

[heartlikealion]

12 minutes ago, Quill said:

Did you say, “It’s your turn to come to me”, though? I’m not sure if that was actually expressed? Because that feels unpleasant to *me* - he may not feel annoyed by that but I would be. 

My girlfriend was like don’t go to him, it’s his turn. And I felt like I was putting in too much effort. IIRC he said he was too tired to drive one day so I did offer to come then we had this crazy storm/tornados. Originally Tues  (storm day) I was supposed to make us dinner here so I’d asked what he wanted and shopped accordingly. Then that was gonna happen Thursday instead. I know it sounds stupid but I don’t make many real meals since it’s just me here most days. I eat a lot of salads and oatmeal. So if I think someone is coming over, I’m tidying up or grocery shopping in preparation. I’d also baked off the remainder of the cookie dough from his fav cookies I’d made but I ended up just freezing those. 

Thank you for your insight. As I said before, I’ll try to let go of the tally. I just know I tend to cross rivers for people that won’t jump puddles for me. And “I’m too tired” sounds like something that might happen frequently and then the burden is on me to see we meet up? That seemed like repeating my past. I only have a social life because I go out of my way. I drive 45 min to trivia night. An hour to pickleball. An hour to see friends and live music. I have a more flexible work schedule so it *is* easier for me to drive on a weekday than him, as I can usually oversleep with no impending work fiasco. I didn’t say it was his turn initially. I think I said that when he changed plans for the third time and I was just fed up. 

[heartlikealion]

1 hour ago, Ting Tang said:

If it were me, I would also want more communication from him because it is the holiday season. It is supposed to be a magical time of the year, so romance is nice, right?

Sorry if I haven't read every reply in detail. But you can always send a message letting him know you're thinking of him and good night.

As a side note, my husband has a friend with two elementary school aged kids who is divorced.  His children have met all of his girlfriends, and rather fast, and then they break up over what I think are stupid reasons. It didn't seem right. I imagine dating could be very hard when you both have children.  I hope there can be a compromise.  Hopefully you can chat about it and feel more at ease.   There really are plenty of fish in the sea if it doesn't work out in the end---  

Everyone says plenty of fish and play the field but here it’s not like that. Gosh I swiped left on probably 100+ profiles lol Example: they look 15 years older than me and I’m just not attracted, they smoke, they are very outdoorsy (stereotypical redneck) and I’m not etc. I don’t care if that makes me sound too picky. It’s just the realty here in the country. And many were way over my dating radius. No, I don’t want to date a guy in Memphis — that’s over 2 hours away. It’s really hard here to meet people and my girlfriends in the city say the same. 

[Guest]

That makes sense. There’s a fine line of give and take, for sure. I can’t even imagine trying to date again; I have literally said I don’t think I would pursue anybody if I were single again. If they didn’t fall into my lap it would be too much…something; bandwidth that I don’t have? Figuring out what this person means or is doing? Just plain trying to figure out if they a “swipe-right-able” in the first place…seems so tiresome. 
 

 

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

That makes sense. There’s a fine line of give and take, for sure. I can’t even imagine trying to date again; I have literally said I don’t think I would pursue anybody if I were single again. If they didn’t fall into my lap it would be too much…something; bandwidth that I don’t have? Figuring out what this person means or is doing? Just plain trying to figure out if they a “swipe-right-able” in the first place…seems so tiresome. 

The divorce wasn’t finalized that long ago but it has been 2 years since the divorce process started so I finally felt ready this year. I am in no rush to introduce/meet any kids. No rush to remarry, if that even happens at all. 
Several questions have been discussed but there’s one that is a “cross that bridge if you get there” thing which is would one of us move closer to the other or what (this goes for ANY guy I date… as there’s a distance factor). And so far that one is really tricky as kids and/or support networks are established in certain towns. I’m leaving that in the “try not to think about” category. 

[JustEm]

6 minutes ago, Quill said:

That makes sense. There’s a fine line of give and take, for sure. I can’t even imagine trying to date again; I have literally said I don’t think I would pursue anybody if I were single again. If they didn’t fall into my lap it would be too much…something; bandwidth that I don’t have? Figuring out what this person means or is doing? Just plain trying to figure out if they a “swipe-right-able” in the first place…seems so tiresome. 
 

 

For me if I was ever in the dating world again, I think it would have to be something that formed organically out of a friendship or like meeting a friend's friend at a get together or something. I don't think I've ever actually looked for a romantic partner. They all sprang up from randomly meeting someone when I was hanging out with friends, except dh. He became my best friend and by the time we were actually dating we were already in love

[SKL]

10 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Thurs he was supposed to come to my house and even spend the night as I am on way to dr office. Then on Wed he canceled because he said he needed to wrap Christmas presents before kids got released for break and came over. I felt like really?? I got blown off to wrap gifts? I offered to help but it was his turn to drive to me and he didn’t want to drive gifts to me (plus I later realized they wouldn’t all fit in his trunk)… then I had medical emergency on Thursday so I definitely wasn’t in condition to drive. I know the whole thing is stupid! He really wasn’t trying to be rude. He really wrapped gifts. I just felt like some of his reasons are things I’d call excuses. 

From the perspective of his dad role, it is possible that he feels some guilt about time spent on his own personal pleasure (romantic relationship) vs. time spent on his kids.

I know I experience a lot of guilt every time I try to plan something that doesn't benefit either my kids or my job.  I've canceled many things I really wanted to do rather than risk disappointing or annoying someone with a prior claim on my time.

It might not always be this way.  But I don't think the holiday season is the time to challenge that.  It's already so stressful and people are stretched thin.  Things will quiet way down in January, and there will be more time to invest in new relationships.

[marbel]

There may be plenty of fish in the sea but that doesn't mean there are plenty of men you want to be with. It took me 12 years after my divorce to find a good guy. During that time I did date, but mostly I was alone. And during that time I learned a big thing: being alone is not the worst thing -- being with the wrong person is the worst thing.

During those years I spent time with friends and alone. I did some traveling (mostly minor, but one overseas trip) and enjoyed my life. Of course I was lonely at times. But it was better than the alternatives before me at the time, which were unsuitable partners. 

[JustEm]

6 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

The divorce wasn’t finalized that long ago but it has been 2 years since the divorce process started so I finally felt ready this year. I am in no rush to introduce/meet any kids. No rush to remarry, if that even happens at all. 
Several questions have been discussed but there’s one that is a “cross that bridge if you get there” thing which is would one of us move closer to the other or what (this goes for ANY guy I date… as there’s a distance factor). And so far that one is really tricky as kids and/or support networks are established in certain towns. I’m leaving that in the “try not to think about” category. 

I think 2 years is plenty of time to get back into the dating world. I also think 'crossing that bridge when you get there's mentality is a healthy one to have. 

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Did you say, “It’s your turn to come to me”, though? I’m not sure if that was actually expressed? Because that feels unpleasant to *me* - he may not feel annoyed by that but I would be. 

I would, too. It comes across as keeping score.

[heartlikealion]

Just now, hjffkj said:

For me if I was ever in the dating world again, I think it would have to be something that formed organically out of a friendship or like meeting a friend's friend at a get together or something. I don't think I've ever actually looked for a romantic partner. They all sprang up from randomly meeting someone when I was hanging out with friends, except dh. He became my best friend and by the time we were actually dating we were already in love

I thought that at first but I couldn’t meet anyone that way it seemed! Most of my friends I see now are other divorced moms. Trivia group is a mix of married couples and single women. 

[heartlikealion]

7 minutes ago, SKL said:

From the perspective of his dad role, it is possible that he feels some guilt about time spent on his own personal pleasure (romantic relationship) vs. time spent on his kids.

I know I experience a lot of guilt every time I try to plan something that doesn't benefit either my kids or my job.  I've canceled many things I really wanted to do rather than risk disappointing or annoying someone with a prior claim on my time.

It might not always be this way.  But I don't think the holiday season is the time to challenge that.  It's already so stressful and people are stretched thin.  Things will quiet way down in January, and there will be more time to invest in new relationships.

Oh we never made in person plans when we had kids with us. Only the weeks/weekends we were kid free. 

[Catwoman]

4 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Welp I know what he was doing last night lol I see that he did a 3 hr video stream with his son. That’s kinda sweet. I’m sure bedtime has been extended because of the holiday. So I’m gonna try not to sweat it. 

Kids are around dd’s age (dd is 8).

I did tell him several days ago that it’s possible I need more than he can give. But that didn’t totally run him off (yet??) so I didn’t feel the need to say it again. Maybe some things will change once we’ve dated longer, maybe not. But I think I’ll try to extend grace over the remainder of the holidays. 

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but it seems like you have waaaaay too much invested in this guy, and your expectations are awfully high for such a new relationship. 

If you even remotely think you might need more than he can give, you're probably right. And honestly, if someone said that to me on a date, I would run for the hills, because needy just isn't attractive. What did you tell him you needed from him?

I really think you would be wise to put the brakes on, and not get too focused on this guy, because you might be setting yourself up for a lot of heartbreak if it turns out that he's not looking for a serious relationship. 

[Catwoman]

5 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I thought that at first but I couldn’t meet anyone that way it seemed! Most of my friends I see now are other divorced moms. Trivia group is a mix of married couples and single women. 

Maybe you should focus more on those friendships and look at dating as a casual, fun thing. 

[marbel]

7 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I thought that at first but I couldn’t meet anyone that way it seemed! Most of my friends I see now are other divorced moms. Trivia group is a mix of married couples and single women. 

Married couples sometimes have single guy friends who they'd be happy to help set up with a nice woman.

Are there any meetup groups in your area that might be interesting to you?  Do you belong to a church that has any adult socializing opportunities? (IIRC you are or were involved in church, maybe I am wrong though.)

I didn't meet my husband at this, but I used to go hiking every weekend with the Sierra Club. There was always a nice mix of people and someone to talk to, and often dinner afterward. I don't assume the Sierra Club has groups everywhere, but maybe there are other casual socializing groups.

Edited December 20, 2022 by marbel

[SKL]

Just now, heartlikealion said:

Oh we never made in person plans when we had kids with us. Only the weeks/weekends we were kid free. 

But even though his kids were with their mom, he would have had responsibilities that, if postponed for fun stuff, would probably cut into his time (or other resources) for his kids.

Not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but it's something to adjust to, both logistically and mentally.

The wrapping is a perfect example of this.  He needs to wrap his kids' gifts when they are not present.  Wrapping can take a solid day (for me anyway), so it's not that easy to find alternative times for it.

I probably would have driven out and wrapped with him.  Your girl friend could have been wrong about that.

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, marbel said:

Married couples sometimes have single guy friends. 

Are there any meetup groups in your area that might be interesting to you?  Do you belong to a church that has any adult socializing opportunities? (IIRC you are or were involved in church, maybe I am wrong though.)

I didn't meet my husband at this, but I used to go hiking every weekend with the Sierra Club. There was always a nice mix of people and someone to talk to, and often dinner afterward. I don't assume the Sierra Club has groups everywhere, but maybe there are other casual socializing groups.

I feel like I’ve tried it all. I am not even attending church right now. I’ve had a falling out. But that church is mostly older folks and married couples. And another parish I used to attend didn’t have singles groups etc. It’s considered adultery for me to date right now (pending annulment) so also another reason not to look at the church for options. 

I was in a couple meet up groups. I left the 20s-40s group. I was the oldest and only one with kids when I went to a meeting. They also scheduled things out of my comfort zone like bar hopping. 

I was in a hiking meetup group but the meets weren’t convenient and now the group is losing its leader and shutting down. All the RSVPs were mostly women. 

I joined a bowling league as a sub but they don’t need me and when I went to the sign up meeting I didn’t see any eligible guys lol

[heartlikealion]

7 minutes ago, SKL said:

But even though his kids were with their mom, he would have had responsibilities that, if postponed for fun stuff, would probably cut into his time (or other resources) for his kids.

Not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but it's something to adjust to, both logistically and mentally.

The wrapping is a perfect example of this.  He needs to wrap his kids' gifts when they are not present.  Wrapping can take a solid day (for me anyway), so it's not that easy to find alternative times for it.

I probably would have driven out and wrapped with him.  Your girl friend could have been wrong about that.

Yeah she may have been wrong, but by the time that night came around I was on dr’s orders to rest as I had a bad episode after a vaccine. 

[heartlikealion]

13 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but it seems like you have waaaaay too much invested in this guy, and your expectations are awfully high for such a new relationship. 

If you even remotely think you might need more than he can give, you're probably right. And honestly, if someone said that to me on a date, I would run for the hills, because needy just isn't attractive. What did you tell him you needed from him?

I really think you would be wise to put the brakes on, and not get too focused on this guy, because you might be setting yourself up for a lot of heartbreak if it turns out that he's not looking for a serious relationship. 

I said that in a text because he was literally gonna pass through my town and maybe see me 5 min vs the original lunch plan we had. I was right, he didn’t even have time to stop. 

Well then he could run for the hills! I was upfront. He didn’t. So we’ll see how it goes. 

[heartlikealion]

15 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Maybe you should focus more on those friendships and look at dating as a casual, fun thing. 

Well I’m trying to flesh those out, too. But it’s hard with everyone’s schedule and my gas budget.

I guess I suck at casual. I also suck at/hate small talk. 

[maize]

It sounds to me like you are making good progress socially Heart. You've got way more going on than I do! I'm impressed that you are actively seeking out activities to socialize and make friends. Friendships have never come easily to me, and I'd hate to be looking into dating again. I didn't much like the dating world the first time around!

 

[heartlikealion]

Just now, maize said:

It sounds to me like you are making good progress socially Heart. You've got way more going on than I do! I'm impressed that you are actively seeking out activities to socialize and make friends. Friendships have never come easily to me, and I'd hate to be looking into dating again. I didn't much like the dating world the first time around!

 

If things don’t work out I’ll just be single again. I don’t want a bunch of casual dates with guys I have no connection with. I can take myself to the movies! And I do lol 

[Tap]

People have different levels of energy and/or like different amounts of down time. Adding a 1.5 hour drive after work may be fun, but also tiring. Some people love to be really attentive and some like a more laid back approach to dating. Some people are just faster too!  I can whip up a dinner in 30 minutes, eat dinner with the family, clean up and have that part of the night taken care of easily in an hour. I have seen people take an hour to make something like tacos, half hour to eat and then another 30+ to clean the kitchen....making dinner take 2 hours. He also may not want the kids hearing him talking to someone he is dating. Some kids are light sleepers and hearing a conversation in the other room, will keep them awake. 

The holidays are hard for everyone. And realize too, that traditions are changing and some people have lots of emotional things to work through during the holidays!!!! In your example....adding the commute to wrapping presents and getting things ready for Christmas, is a legit reason to stay home to me. If it seems like he is pulling back....just have a conversation with him about it. If he feels like he wants it more casual, let him know if you are interested in that. If you are ok with that, then talk to him about what you both hope your relationship looks like. Even my girl friendships take a step back at the holidays! 

As far as the kid nights. Taking care of the kids may or may not feel easy to him. Especially if he wasn't the primary caregiver before. I have friends who are very attentive to their kids and after working all day, then kids at night, they are flat out exhausted!  It may really be just who he is and he is being 100% honest with you. Some kids are way more needy too!  My older kids were really independent at a youngish age, dd16 has always needed more attention. 

If your relationship style doesn't match, then it is better to get it out in the open now. 

My boyfriend would love it, if I spent all day texting/chatting with him on the phone and being together. I need more downtime to feel like my brain can relax. Even tho I adore being with him, I work with the public and sometimes at night, I just want to relax, not talk to someone and do what I want/eat what I want/not worry if I am ignoring someone etc. We set up a deal that Tue/Thurs are my nights at home. He still texts some, but minimally. We live about 20 minutes apart and I always go to his house due to my special needs daughter. When we first started hanging out, I would sometimes drive home in the middle of the night, but after a few times of feeling like I was going to fall asleep driving, now I make sure to leave while I am still awake. He prefers that I stay and sleep for a while, and while I know it bugs him that I leave earlier now, he also understands that. Before we had those conversations, it was causing some uneasy feelings. I can't imagine doubling that commute on a regular basis! That would be some long nights. 

As far as him wanting to stop by for just a few minutes...unless it was inconvenient, I would have let him. Sweet stolen moments can be a fun little reminder that you have someone in your life and that they would rather see you for 5-15 minutes, than not at all.

[Ann.without.an.e]

18 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

If things don’t work out I’ll just be single again. I don’t want a bunch of casual dates with guys I have no connection with. I can take myself to the movies! And I do lol 

That's fair. Casual dating can be stressful too in a different way, unless you're super extroverted and thrive on meeting new people/not knowing what to expect. And a lot of guys out there aren't that great. Not all casual dates are fun, lol. Some guys make it quite an awkward night. 

[Ting Tang]

2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Everyone says plenty of fish and play the field but here it’s not like that. Gosh I swiped left on probably 100+ profiles lol Example: they look 15 years older than me and I’m just not attracted, they smoke, they are very outdoorsy (stereotypical redneck) and I’m not etc. I don’t care if that makes me sound too picky. It’s just the realty here in the country. And many were way over my dating radius. No, I don’t want to date a guy in Memphis — that’s over 2 hours away. It’s really hard here to meet people and my girlfriends in the city say the same. 

Oh that all makes sense!  You should not settle for anyone short of what you are looking for; but if this does not work out, do not despair.  If the desire is there, you will eventually find someone.  All in all, I hope this does work out for you. 🙂

[heartlikealion]

We talked for 2 hrs tonight and I’m coming over to see him during the gap between when we have our kids on Christmas Day. I think we’re good. And I made him some stuff in my graphic design program for his charity stream coming up and he was stoked. 

[vonfirmath]

14 hours ago, Quill said:

That makes sense. There’s a fine line of give and take, for sure. I can’t even imagine trying to date again; I have literally said I don’t think I would pursue anybody if I were single again. If they didn’t fall into my lap it would be too much…something; bandwidth that I don’t have? Figuring out what this person means or is doing? Just plain trying to figure out if they a “swipe-right-able” in the first place…seems so tiresome. 
 

 

Even the first time -- I tried a little to be in places to meet people and my husband pretty much ended up falling into my lap.

Note though> even with him we have had our issues. He had a phone for HIS convenience in calling others and had to learn that I wanted to be able to get in contact with HIM  as well -- and he got better at carrying it and keeping it on. It's still something that occasionally comes into conflict since he has adopted the new mindset as a courtesy to me and it is still not HIS natural (after 18 years of marriage). And I work on my panicking when I cannot get a hold of him and "what happens if my car was stalled and I was stuck on the side of the road" -- but the fact of the matter is when it has mattered, he has ALWAYS been there.

 

[vonfirmath]

15 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I feel like I’ve tried it all. I am not even attending church right now. I’ve had a falling out. But that church is mostly older folks and married couples. And another parish I used to attend didn’t have singles groups etc. It’s considered adultery for me to date right now (pending annulment) so also another reason not to look at the church for options. 

I was in a couple meet up groups. I left the 20s-40s group. I was the oldest and only one with kids when I went to a meeting. They also scheduled things out of my comfort zone like bar hopping. 

I was in a hiking meetup group but the meets weren’t convenient and now the group is losing its leader and shutting down. All the RSVPs were mostly women. 

I joined a bowling league as a sub but they don’t need me and when I went to the sign up meeting I didn’t see any eligible guys lol

If you do meet a guy you connect with -- are you going to be happy if he does not share your faith?

[heartlikealion]

Just now, vonfirmath said:

If you do meet a guy you connect with -- are you going to be happy if he does not share your faith?

I’m not even sure what my faith is right now. I’ve been thinking about leaving the Catholic Church and haven’t been attending. My kids have been attending a Baptist church with Dad and stepmom. He is a church goer and I might attend with him sometime.