My issues with asking for help...May I sit on the virtual shrink couch?

[battlemaiden]

I'm horrible at asking for help. But as I was staring at the types of screws in the baby crib to know how to dissassemble it and move it into the girls room, I began to think. I have had many offers for help from neighbor's husbands. They have been deployed and I know they would want someone to help their wife when they are gone. They are earnest in their offers to help. This would be a perfect opportunity for me to ask a favor.

 

I put up Christmas lights on the gutter the other day. Two neighbors yelled at me to get down and let them do it. I just can't. The problem, as I see it, is I am *perfectly able* to do these things. It isn't as if I'm afraid of ladders, or i don't know a phillips from a flat-head. I can kill spiders, and I know how to attach the luggage rack on top of my suburban.

 

The only way I can let people help me is if they go ahead and do it without asking. If they barged into my house and took apart the baby's crib I wouldn't stop them. I'm just no good at asking...because I'm capable of doing it. I just don't have a lot of time to do it all. I would love someone to come over and say, "I'm taking your kids for a long walk around the neighborhood so you can get the gifts wrapped" or "I'm here to hold the baby so you can gets the bills paid" I would be sooooo okay with that. But I don't ask well.

 

It's pride isn't it? I don't know. I once asked a neighbor if he would come and replace the electrical board of my microscope. I haven't done a lot of electrical stuff and I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to have someone take a task off my list. Well, bless his heart, he stood there and walked me through it because he said it was easy-breezy and I could do it. It was easy and I felt stupid. I could have done it, and I knew it, I just wanted someone else too. :glare:

 

So what's the diagnosis Hive?

 

Jo

[Julie in Austin]

This is how I think about it: when someone is in special need (and you certainly qualify!) I want to help them. If they won't let me, they are denying me an opportunity to practice charity. If everyone did that, no one would be able to be charitable. (Or have their kids learn from it.) That isn't right. We're all here to help each other and learn from each other.

[Mesa]

Your a super busy mama and you just need to let go a little. You dont need to do it all... you cant do it all. By all means try letting the neighbors help you out a little. You might like it :)

[Tutor]

I have a difficult time asking for help, too. Even from my dh. I might hint around, but asking specifically, "Please do this..." is hard for me. I have purposed myself to make a habit of asking for help even if I don't need it (I could do it; I'm capable of doing it, but I just don't have time or know someone who has expressed a desire to be a help to me). I would encourage you to do the same. Maybe decide that this week, you are going to ask one person to help you with one thing... like asking a neighbor to move the crib for you. Then next week, ask someone else to take the kids so you can wrap gifts. This is becoming easier for me (slowly) as I have realized what Julie mentioned - by not asking for help, I am depriving someone of using their gifts and practicing charity. I would never want to stand in the way of someone using their God-given gifts to serve another.

[jensway]

I'd like to share a quote that we have up in our house by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

 

"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself... Serve and thou shall be served."

[athena1277]

I totally agree with the others who say you are denying someone the opportunity to do something good for another if you don't ask. Another thing to help motivate you to ask is to think about the example it sets for your kids and theirs. They see someone doing something for another out of the kindness of their hearts and not for money or other gain. Those are the examples that kids remember.

[Parrothead]

You have to look at things differently. Your ds's are old enough to help you take down the baby crib. If you were injured taking it down and moving it, probably no big deal.

 

Putting up the Christmas lights is potentially another story. What if you slipped, fell, and broke a leg? Who would you have to rely on then? And for how long.

 

Pick and choose which help you really need. When dh is away I don't call for help changing a light bulb or regrouting the tub. I did call for help when we had 8 inches of snow over night and I couldn't get out of the driveway. T brought over his snow thrower and cleared for me. I don't call for help to move furniture or bring groceries in from the truck, but I did call when I couldn't lift the lawn mower into the truck to take it to the shop because I bent the shaft. J came and loaded it for me.

 

I also pass the asking around. Dh works with a wonderful group of guys. I take turns calling so as not to burden only one person with the heavy stuff.

[Liz CA]

I'm horrible at asking for help. But as I was staring at the types of screws in the baby crib to know how to dissassemble it and move it into the girls room, I began to think. I have had many offers for help from neighbor's husbands. They have been deployed and I know they would want someone to help their wife when they are gone. They are earnest in their offers to help. This would be a perfect opportunity for me to ask a favor.

 

I put up Christmas lights on the gutter the other day. Two neighbors yelled at me to get down and let them do it. I just can't. The problem, as I see it, is I am *perfectly able* to do these things. It isn't as if I'm afraid of ladders, or i don't know a phillips from a flat-head. I can kill spiders, and I know how to attach the luggage rack on top of my suburban.

 

The only way I can let people help me is if they go ahead and do it without asking. If they barged into my house and took apart the baby's crib I wouldn't stop them. I'm just no good at asking...because I'm capable of doing it. I just don't have a lot of time to do it all. I would love someone to come over and say, "I'm taking your kids for a long walk around the neighborhood so you can get the gifts wrapped" or "I'm here to hold the baby so you can gets the bills paid" I would be sooooo okay with that. But I don't ask well.

 

It's pride isn't it? I don't know. I once asked a neighbor if he would come and replace the electrical board of my microscope. I haven't done a lot of electrical stuff and I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to have someone take a task off my list. Well, bless his heart, he stood there and walked me through it because he said it was easy-breezy and I could do it. It was easy and I felt stupid. I could have done it, and I knew it, I just wanted someone else too. :glare:

 

So what's the diagnosis Hive?

 

Jo

 

You know how to attach a luggage rack to the top of a car???

Well, I would have to ask someone to help me with that. But I can relate with the rest of your post. The message we want to send is: "I am capable, I am strong, I can handle this..." and most of the time it's true, we can do all those things but it comes down to a choice.

If you let someone do your Christmas lights you can be inside assisting the kids in wrapping some cookies up for that nice person on the ladder. If you ask a few teenagers (or whoever seems qualified) to get some babysitting during certain times of the week, you give yourself much needed time to take a breath and will be recharged when you come back.

 

I like the reply where someone said you are depriving people of the wonderful opportunity to help you out!

 

I have to remind myself constantly of this and my dh is not deployed!

[Lizzie in Ma]

I am much the same way. But I will say, the baby crib would have had me in tears. Not because I couldn't do it alone but just out of sheer "I am sick of doing it alone."

Go ahead and ask. It will bring someone joy to help you.

And stay the h*ll of the ladder would you?!

:grouphug:

[Alice]

I am the same way, so I understand where you are coming from.

 

My dh likes to sort of joke that accepting help is a way of blessing others. It gives them an opportunity to help. It's kind of a joke but also true. As great as it would be to have people just come over and help without being asked, I think most people aren't wired this way. I think most people are waiting to be asked.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Jo, I really think you give people a wonderful gift when you ask them to help you. I really do. You build community in this way, and you allow them an excuse to be able to ask you (or your dh) for help when *they* need it. Otherwise, it can be awkward for them, as well.

 

Everyone before me said it better (including the admonition to stay off the darn ladder while you're the only parent at home!), and you would do yourself and others big favors if you will shift your viewpoint just a smidge.

 

And as to the microscope guy? Honey. He's a guy. (No offense, guys! LOL) He wants to know what you need in clear words coming straight from your mouth. As in, "James, I don't have time to change out this electrical board. Will you do it for me? I sure would appreciate it." No ambiguity. Guys don't *do* ambiguity. Tell them precisely what you need and everyone is happy. :-)

[Marie in Oh]

and that is why God has called us to be miltary wives. When duty calls, we step up and get er done. I am the same way. I don't ask for help because it is easier for me to do it. So, when dh is gone and the neighbor asks if he can mow the lawn, it is already done. Now, I did call him two years ago when I was stuck in ice in my drive way-- only to be found waiting for him with cat litter and shovel in hand. He said- oh that's a good idea, I wouldn't have thought of that. I was out in a second. :-) Thanks for being willing to help is often my reply. Hang in there dear.

[missplacedalaskan]

I am right there with you. Dh is not currently deployed, but when he has been I don't ask for help unless absolutely necessary. Like when I was in an accident and had to have the minivan in the shop for 2 weeks and I needed to get snow tires on my truck (we were in Alaska and it was Dec.).

 

At that time someone told me something that has stuck with me. Like others have said, helping is an opportunity to practice/share charity. The phrase that has stuck with me is, "Helping out is a blessing. If you don't allow others to help out, you are stealing their blessing." That has remained in the back of my mind ever since. Yes you can do everything, but don't steal my blessing by not allowing me the opportunity to help.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: Especially with guys, do not be subtle. They will not give a moments thought to what your really feeling or thinking. Be direct... I found one helping tip from a wonderful mom when I was pg on bed rest. Make a to-do-wish-list and stick it on your refrigerator. Anyone who wants to can just pick something and bless you with one less thing to do.

 

I'd take the kiddos, wrap the gifts, do the dishes or give you some free time to do it or nothing... anything for the opportunity to hold a baby and help another mom.

 

Jo, I really think you give people a wonderful gift when you ask them to help you. I really do. You build community in this way, and you allow them an excuse to be able to ask you (or your dh) for help when *they* need it. Otherwise, it can be awkward for them, as well.

 

Everyone before me said it better (including the admonition to stay off the darn ladder while you're the only parent at home!), and you would do yourself and others big favors if you will shift your viewpoint just a smidge.

 

And as to the microscope guy? Honey. He's a guy. (No offense, guys! LOL) He wants to know what you need in clear words coming straight from your mouth. As in, "James, I don't have time to change out this electrical board. Will you do it for me? I sure would appreciate it." No ambiguity. Guys don't *do* ambiguity. Tell them precisely what you need and everyone is happy. :-)