Hoping for advice from those with married kids

[BlsdMama]

8 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I do sometimes.

 

6 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Good reasons for that. 

 

I don’t understand?

[Harriet Vane]

5 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

 

I don’t understand?

Sometimes it is safer to submit. 😢

[Rosie_0801]

4 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

 

I don’t understand?

I'm not sure what kind of answer to give, other than living apart from certain types of abusers is worse than living with them. 

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, Harriet Vane said:

Sometimes it is safer to submit. 😢

More to appear to submit, but yeah.

[Melissa Louise]

8 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

 

I don’t understand?

It might be different in the US, but in AU being abused by a spouse is no guarantee that Family Court won't a. remove kids from abuse victim and b. force child/ren to have unsupervised contact with the abuser. 

If your life isn't in literal and immediate danger, some women make the choice to manage the abuse as well as they can in order to avoid Family Court and protect children from unsupervised contact with the abusive parent until they are old enough to refuse or safely manage contact themselves. 

It's not ideal but neither is the Court giving your kid to your abuser for them to continue to abuse them, and you by proxy. 

Edited July 7, 2021 by Melissa Louise

[Clarita]

7 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19949881/the-scary-way-your-in-laws-affect-your-marriage/

That's depressing. I'm actually really close with my in laws (not besties because there is a bit of an age gap and our kids are in different stages of life). I don't think my marriage would have lasted it's first year without the emotional support I got from my MIL. My dad passed away 1 month before my wedding so my mom was her own hot mess (moving clear out of the country within a year). My in-laws really stepped up those first 2 years as my surrogate parents. 

[Eos]

I've been gone all day and just now reading the continuing thread.  Again, many thanks to all who've posted, every post has given me food for thought.  I'm grateful for this group of no-nonsense, fiercely loving parents! 

 

 

[BlsdMama]

12 hours ago, J-rap said:

Some people need to have someone else make the first move to pull feelings out of them. 

And sometimes the “pulling” (or attempts thereof) result in manufactured feelings. 
 

Where no offense exists, when it is brought to a persons attention that they “should “ be offended, often that’s just the ingredients to grow offense. 

[BlsdMama]

11 hours ago, Harriet Vane said:

Sometimes it is safer to submit. 😢

That is heart breaking.  😔 

[Scarlett]

11 hours ago, Clarita said:

That's depressing. I'm actually really close with my in laws (not besties because there is a bit of an age gap and our kids are in different stages of life). I don't think my marriage would have lasted it's first year without the emotional support I got from my MIL. My dad passed away 1 month before my wedding so my mom was her own hot mess (moving clear out of the country within a year). My in-laws really stepped up those first 2 years as my surrogate parents. 

That article depressed me too.  It makes it sound like wives control how things turn out.  Everyone needs healthy boundaries and ever couple needs to work out what those boundaries are. But his parents, in general should be just as important as her parents. And hopefully some of these young couples will realize their in laws and parents have wisdom that can help.

I am glad you have great in laws.  And hopefully we can all be great in laws in return. 

[J-rap]

5 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

And sometimes the “pulling” (or attempts thereof) result in manufactured feelings. 
 

Where no offense exists, when it is brought to a persons attention that they “should “ be offended, often that’s just the ingredients to grow offense. 

Hmm... Yes, of course.   My whole point though was not about telling them or even hinting that they should be offended by anything.  As I said, we really have no idea of the whole story, just the little surface things we hear and wonder about.  So we should not assume anything.  

What I was saying was that we can lovingly let them know that we're there for them and are always available to talk if they ever need a loving ear.  We can also let them know that going through multiple pregnancy losses can be hard.  (I went through four years of infertility before our first child and remember the pain.)  Reminding them that we're there for them invites them to talk, if they want to.  At least, this is the case with our own children, and for me too.  Sometimes I wait for people to show interest, to draw me out, before I talk.

Edited July 7, 2021 by J-rap

[J-rap]

1 hour ago, Seasider too said:

I think we best say that, by being that. kwim? Personally, I hope and believe that the relationships I’ve cultivated throughout childhood have given them the understanding that they can always come to me in search of counsel. 
 

You would hope so, sure.  At least for me, even though I had a very close relationship with my parents, I'm pretty sure that once I was married I thought I was supposed to be grown up enough to figure a lot of this stuff out on my own.  And it probably depends on the people too.  Some people wear their feelings on their sleeves and share everything easily.  Others hold their private thoughts very close.