Speaking of weddings...

[busymama7]

14 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

Honestly, with all of you have said I would personally sit down with ds and fdil and tell them that you will contribute X amount of money to the wedding but not have any part in organizing it or cleaning up afterwards.  You do not need to be the bad guy who shoots down their plans.  But you also don't need to be the one stressing about what happens when things don't go the way they thought it would.

 

We would do that but it would require them not using the church. They at this point won't agree to that so we would have to "kick them out". I don't think the fallout from that is worth it. We are trying to get through this without ruining relationships. 

[JustEm]

9 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

 

We would do that but it would require them not using the church. They at this point won't agree to that so we would have to "kick them out". I don't think the fallout from that is worth it. We are trying to get through this without ruining relationships. 

 

Why can't they use the church if you personally choose not to clean up?  The bride and groom are using the church not you, so it is their responsibility to get people to clean it up.  You do not have to be one of those people

[busymama7]

3 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

 

Why can't they use the church if you personally choose not to clean up?  The bride and groom are using the church not you, so it is their responsibility to get people to clean it up.  You do not have to be one of those people

But we do because we are the ones ultimately responsible for the church. The reservation is in our name, we are the members and we won't be able to leave that night until it's done and done correctly. I am going to ask them to provide me with a list of exactly who is doing the cleaning so that I know they have asked people and gotten the agreement that they will stay and do it. I will leave and my dh and teens will stay to get it done along with the "dozens" of promised friends and family of the bride. 

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, busymama7 said:

That would be brilliant but he is out of state at college. He has grown up attending church parties and cleaning up after and he knows it's not done in 30 min. These are smaller with less decorations etc and it still can't be done. His answer is that FDIL's family and friends can do it since they are better at it 🙄. He is still squarely in the know it all phase. 

THEN THEY SHOULD DO IT!

[Rosie_0801]

49 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

But we do because we are the ones ultimately responsible for the church. The reservation is in our name, we are the members and we won't be able to leave that night until it's done and done correctly. I am going to ask them to provide me with a list of exactly who is doing the cleaning so that I know they have asked people and gotten the agreement that they will stay and do it. I will leave and my dh and teens will stay to get it done along with the "dozens" of promised friends and family of the bride. 

 

I wouldn't want to rely on imaginary help either, so I would be putting an end time in place and I'd clean around people if they didn't have the manners to leave.

[busymama7]

26 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

THEN THEY SHOULD DO IT!

Yes but what if they don't? It will fall to us.  We can't make them do it but we are trying to lay ground work to lesson that chance. I'm just frustrated with my son over this whole matter. 

[fairfarmhand]

2 hours ago, busymama7 said:

That would be brilliant but he is out of state at college. He has grown up attending church parties and cleaning up after and he knows it's not done in 30 min. These are smaller with less decorations etc and it still can't be done. His answer is that FDIL's family and friends can do it since they are better at it 🙄. He is still squarely in the know it all phase. 

Can you actually talk to a few people who did do the clean up of the church after fairly recent functions? Ask them how long it took them to clean it up. That way you can talk to your son and say, " I talked to Marge, Anne, Ellen, and Christine and NONE of them were able to completely clean it in less than an hour. They had lots of help but it didn't happen."

What your ds and dsil don't get is that even if you have lots of people helping, there's only so much that many people can do. Of course, lots of people can stack chairs at once, but if there's only two sinks in the kitchen, only two people can wash up. If there's only one or two vacuum cleaners, the carpet can't be done any faster than two people can vacuum.  Also, sometimes more peopel are a hindrance. I've done lots of break down and set up. Often what happens is that people take down all the chairs and I have to come back and say, "Ummm, we were supposed to leave up two big tables over here and leave up 18 chairs in a semi circle." So we work at cross purposes when too many cooks are stirring the broth so to speak.

[fairfarmhand]

2 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

Yes but what if they don't? It will fall to us.  We can't make them do it but we are trying to lay ground work to lesson that chance. I'm just frustrated with my son over this whole matter. 

I know! But this needs to be a line in the sand so to speak. 

"Ds, we are willing to pay for $x for a cleaning crew. Let's get an estimate from them on the time it will take and then determine ending time based up on their estimate. Otherwise, if our family is officially working the clean up crew, then you need to go with what we're asking for here as far as time to get out of the building. These are your only options. You and ddil will be outta there and dad and I will be stuck in a bad position if things don't go according to plan. Otherwise, dad and I will withdraw our name from the church reservation and we'll allow you and ddil to make it yourselves with you and she not being able to leave till clean up is done." 

[Frances]

3 hours ago, busymama7 said:

So, due to the DIY nature of most LDS receptions, cleaning up after is really normal and expected. Most people hire out the decorating and catering and so those people clean up that part but the rest of the church is done by family/friends usually. I've seen some change clothes before.  

The big difference is that generally receptions only last until 9:00 at the latest. They are wanting much later but since the rule is that we are supposed to be out by 11, they want to end it at 10:30. They would prefer later which is why I suggested they find another venue. Ending at 10:30 and being out by 11 is NOT going to happen but DIL, son and DILs mother all think it will and I'm the one with the issue. So I'm having to not be the bad guy on this one and just deal with the fallout. 

Do they realize if they only provide very limited food that guests might not stay very long at the reception, especially if the reception starts right after the wedding? Do they expect guests to stop and get dinner before going to the reception?

[fairfarmhand]

Also, if your son is being a condescending know it all, let your dh handle it. I've noticed that young men frequently get that way with their moms but they won't do it as much to their dads.

 

Also, ask your dh to not frame things in terms of "Your mom thinks..." or "Your mom is worried that..." He simply needs to say, "I believe that..."

[Frances]

On 1/17/2019 at 1:06 PM, Quill said:

I think, in general, it is never as fun to be the host of a party as it is to be just a guest. The closest experiences I have had have been graduation parties or Christmas parties; a large number of guests, a lot of preparation, and the need to be alert during the course of the event - is the trash bag overflowing? Did all the ice melt? Are people confused by the fondue? 

I would expect a wedding to be the same way. The best way around this is probably a wedding manager and assistant, but even with those, still. I mean, I wouldn’t expect to have a lousy time, but it’s definitely different hosting than it is participating as a guest. 

I completely agree with your first paragraph. But 

Edited March 6, 2019 by Frances

[elegantlion]

1 hour ago, Frances said:

Do they realize if they only provide very limited food that guests might not stay very long at the reception, especially if the reception starts right after the wedding? Do they expect guests to stop and get dinner before going to the reception?

Are kids going to be at the reception too? I can't imagine little kids (or teenagers) being patient about being hungry. 

 

 

[elegantlion]

As for my son's wedding (some nebulous day in the future), I hope I'll be happy and celebrate for him. I won't have money to give him anyway. He's not a huge crowd person, so I can imagine a small intimate gathering. Oh, who am I kidding, he's probably going to end up marrying a wonderfully competent woman who will take control of everything and I'll show up and cry. 

[busymama7]

9 minutes ago, elegantlion said:

Are kids going to be at the reception too? I can't imagine little kids (or teenagers) being patient about being hungry. 

 

 

Yes kids. Here's the thing, with LDS weddings there is only a small list for who attends the ceremony.  They are ok with me feeding that crowd (approx 100 people total including the kids who wont be at the ceremony but will be with their parents. ). But the amount of time available between really doesn't give us time to do that. Most guests will come just for the reception and while cake/punch receptions are fine, not at 5:00 pm.   If they started the reception at 7, we would feed that smaller crowd before hand and then desserts only would be fine. But they want the early, long reception AND no food. It's ridiculous. 

[shawthorne44]

6 hours ago, busymama7 said:

So, due to the DIY nature of most LDS receptions, cleaning up after is really normal and expected. Most people hire out the decorating and catering and so those people clean up that part but the rest of the church is done by family/friends usually. I've seen some change clothes before.  

The big difference is that generally receptions only last until 9:00 at the latest. They are wanting much later but since the rule is that we are supposed to be out by 11, they want to end it at 10:30. They would prefer later which is why I suggested they find another venue. Ending at 10:30 and being out by 11 is NOT going to happen but DIL, son and DILs mother all think it will and I'm the one with the issue. So I'm having to not be the bad guy on this one and just deal with the fallout. 

Can you ask the assistance of an elder on this?   Someone that will arrive at a pre-set time, say 10:15 pm, to turn the music off and announce, "It is now clean-up time." 

 

[MaBelle]

Oh my goodness, I LOVED our receptions.  Lots of drinking and dancing.  Dsil's family are the greatest wackiest dancers in the world!  So much fun.

We have our own wedding venue on the ranch so it was handy.  

Grandgirls played "wedding" for weeks afterwards.

We had four weddings in four years, had a bit of a break between oldest and youngest four.

Only one was not so good because the groom was an ass.  Annulment six weeks later.  Only good thing that came of that was I have permanent "I told you so" rights to my husband.  (never to dd)

Not to mention that I have three of the most fabulous dils and the best sil in. the. world.

As for cleanup we always had a party the next day to eat all the leftovers, say goodbye to out of towners and just get together one more time.  Once I got there kind of late and my nephew in law and his four kids had already put up the chairs and tables for us.

Edited January 18, 2019 by MaBelle

[ktgrok]

7 hours ago, Quill said:

I just spoke with a friend of mine whose dd is getting married this May. The couple and her parents (my friend) and I think two best friends only are going to a tropical island and calling it good. Even the groom’s mom is not going. I think his parents are also divorced and family rancor on that side played a role in their decision. My friend said a few years ago, she would have been really bummed not to get to do a traditional wedding for her dd, but now that she’s seen other friends’ kids’ weddings - the expense, the effort, the DRAMA!!! - she is glad they chose this. Plus, she’s going to the Carribean in the deal so...

I’m realllly beginning to see the wisdom in this way of getting married, friends. Really starting to see it. 

Yup.

DH and I got married, just the two of us, in Scotland in a tiny romantic chapel built of stone, lit only by candles. It was amazing. Then we had a casual reception at our home a few weeks later. Not really a "reception" as much as a party. We did hire a videographer and photographer for the ceremony and we had a projector at the "reception" and put the ceremony video up on a big screen on the wall while everyone was eating, so they could see it, and gave my parents a copy of the video. 

Ideally, I would have liked to have my immediate family there, but financially we knew it would be a hardship for them to go, and were worried that DH's mother would somehow scrape the money together or go into debt for it and we REALLY didn't want her there and not my family for a bunch of reasons. And we didn't want friends there if my parents couldn't be there. So we did it with just us. 

It was romantic, and special, and SO low drama. We ate our wedding dinner at the pub in the hotel/castle we were staying in, and ate a tiny traditional scottish wedding cake with plastic spoons in our hotel room. 

I'd love my DDs to do something similar, but i desperately want to actually be there. (this was my second wedding, so don't feel AS bad that my parents were not there..but still). So immediate family only, maybe one attendant each, somewhere romantic? Or maybe rent one of the reunion villas here in Orlando and have a bunch of people, and do it outdoors somewhere, or even a couple of those big vacation cabins in the mountains in GA or TN or something. Or a cake/champagne punch reception, with or without tea sandwiches at the church hall. Or for more elegant/fancy a dessert buffet in the evening, post dinner. Or a barbecue/pig roast, etc etc. Lots of options that are NOT the high stress DJ/hotel buffett/debt monster that is the typical wedding these days. 

[shawthorne44]

Back to the original question, I probably wouldn't enjoy it.   But, I don't normally enjoy wedding receptions.   I am not a formal party sort of person.  But, I love wedding ceremonies.  So, then if I had 10% of the stress of the OP, I would be dreading it.  

Is there a fine if the space isn't cleaned up and people gone by 11 pm?   I wonder if they couldn't couldn't collect that up-front as a deposit.   Might motivate the bride and groom.  .   

I just had an evil thought.   You probably won't have to worry about them clearing out by 11 pm if there isn't food. People will be gone by 7 pm in order to eat.