Speaking of weddings...

[busymama7]

I am curious how many people expect to *enjoy* their child's wedding reception specifically. We are preparing for our first and both my husband and I are dreading it and expecting it to be a pain and exhausting. The ceremony, no, that should be wonderful.  But the reception? Part of it is our personalities but yeah we arent really expecting to enjoy it. We are scheduling extreme down time for me afterwards because I get really worn down from big events, even fun ones and usually need a few days in bed afterwards. 

 

Anyways,he thinks this is normal for us not to enjoy it and I think it's really sad and should be enjoyable for the family/parents. I'm just curious that's all 😉

[Rosie_0801]

I wouldn't even expect to enjoy my own wedding if I had one. 😂

[Chris in VA]

I would very much expect to enjoy such a lovely event celebrating a joyful covenant made by two people in love! I don't understand it not being something to enjoy. Are you micromanaging? Do you need to be in control? Are you over-worried about perfection? Do you dislike the spouse or think the marriage a mistake? Hate crowds, even if they are composed of people you love enough to celebrate a most important and happy event? I don't get it at all. 

[linders]

It depends. If it is a modest sized event where my DIL-to-be is not a bridezilla and I am lucky to know many of the young friends well, I fully expect to enjoy it.

[Pawz4me]

DH and I are gearing up for our nephew's upcoming wedding and the associated pre-events and we're planning on being exhausted and needing serious down time afterwards. My current (self assigned) task is trying to help my wonderful, much loved SIL keep her sanity. I can't imagine what it will be like when it's one of our boys (or even worse--if we had a daughter). I'm sure we will enjoy our nephew's wedding and eventually our sons'. But I'm equally as sure that we'll find them massively stressful and utterly exhausting. The trials of being introverts  . . .

Hugs, Busymama7

[mumto2]

1 hour ago, linders said:

It depends. If it is a modest sized event where my DIL-to-be is not a bridezilla and I am lucky to know many of the young friends well, I fully expect to enjoy it.

Well said.  Since I have no idea who the other half of the wedding party will be I could get a surprise.  It’s sure to be hectic because our it will involve quests from two countries.  But I am looking forward to whatever the future holds.

btw, my wedding was a zoo. I didn’t enjoy it but I am an optimist and the two country thing should keep it small. 😉

[hjffkj]

We are far from weddings as my oldest is only ten.  But I sure hope when the day comes that I'll enjoy it.  If the spouse is a good person, I can't imagine why I wouldn't enjoy it.  But I can also imagine needing a few days to recover.

[Tenaj]

The day my oldest son was married was beautiful AND exhausting!  I enjoyed the wedding, enjoyed the reception AND was exhausted and would have loved some down time afterward.  It can be both at the same time.

[catz]

How much work are you doing?  Is this just socializing or are you cooking, baking, cleaning, setting up, decorating, sewing, etc 

I do think it's unusual to need to spend DAYS in bed after a big event.  And I'd follow up if that is a regular thing.  I could see an introvert preferring a few quiet days at home after a big event.  I don't think literally wanting to isolate yourself in bed and needing that much rest is normal.  That could be a sign of anything from thyroid issues to extreme anxiety.   Are there other strange family relationships or dynamics at play?

My parents had a great time at my wedding.  They weren't really in charge of anything - it was mostly just a social event for them.  But probably relished a little down time after the event and the relatives cleared town.

[busymama7]

I do have (treated) hypothyroidism and suspected possible the beginnings of fibromyalgia. Both my mom and sister have it and is it suspected that I am headed that way although treating my thyroid has helped immensely. It's just that any extra stress, even when it is fun stress, lands me in pain and in bed.  I was in bed due to it more frequently before beginning thyroid treatment though. Now it is only a few times a year and a large amount exertion triggers it.

We are both introverted and they are planning a long day with a 5+ hour reception with 300-500 people And lots of loud music etc. I was expressing that I was bummed that I would not be  enjoying the reception and it would wear me out but he thought that that was to be expected.  

They are planning it and we are just supporting them so it's not really about that although any stress due to the work ahead of the time wouldn't surprise me. It was just the idea that the reception wasn't going to be enjoyable and fun for me. I DO love to socialize and consider myself social despite being introverted. And I know that seems backwards. But just due to the way they are doing things, it isn't the kind of event that makes me feel like I will feel comfortable. 

[catz]

It makes a lot of sense if you have some health issues in the mix that the stress and the build up would hit you harder.  Can you just give the couple a heads up you may be slipping in and out as you feel up to it?  Is there a quiet corner at the venue that could be procured?  Or is it in or near a hotel where you could have a room?  It's nice you mostly just have to show up.  I think it's totally fine to set priorities and boundaries for the day and slip out early if they're planning a late night of dancing.   Are there ways you can imagine the day going where you would enjoy it? Embrace the things you are excited about and try and let go of any sense of obligation.  

[lavender's green]

I hope to enjoy their weddings, though it might depend on the personalities involved, or the amount of work, official or unofficial, that has to be done. I know my mom dealt with a couple of difficult relatives at my wedding, unbeknownst to me. Who else was going to do it? Some things will just naturally fall on the parents' shoulders.

I expect I'll need a little Introvert Recovery Time afterwards. Nothing major, just a good night's sleep and maybe a day to quietly putter around the house.

[busymama7]

14 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

I would like to suggest, if you aren't the hosts of the reception and aren't going to be responsible for cleaning up after, then don't stay the whole time.  Shoot, I didn't even stay for my whole reception, I think DH and I left like an hour early.  Also, take time out to get away from the music and the people during the reception.  See if you can find a quite place in the lobby with a comfortable chair, or if the weather permits, take a break or two outside.  

 

Also, going in under the assumption that you aren't going to enjoy it is likely to create a self fulfilling prophecy.  Instead of thinking about all the people and time and noise, think about the things that will be enjoyable.  Like watching the couple's first dance together.  Or dancing with your own DH.  Or seeing relatives that you don't get to see often.  Or whatever you are looking forward to.  Try to focus on that stuff and that can help stress you out less.  

Well it's weird.  It is at our church and we are responsible for the clean up. But my husband and I plan to send me and the younger children home once the couple leaves and he will stay and supervise clean up. 

And thank you. That reminder does help. I will focus on the good parts. It's just that by the end I don't expect any of our friends or relatives to still be there and I was totally seeing myself crashed on the couch in the lobby 😉. But that can be ok!  I can chill and then be there to wish them well as they leave. 

[catz]

Does the couple have friends that can help with clean up?  Ask the wedding party perhaps?  Is there room in the budget to hire someone?  Even if you get to leave, I would not enjoy having that obligation over my head after a very long day.  

[busymama7]

7 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Does the couple have friends that can help with clean up?  Ask the wedding party perhaps?  Is there room in the budget to hire someone?  Even if you get to leave, I would not enjoy having that obligation over my head after a very long day.  

We are very not happy about being saddled with this but they think it's not a big deal and won't listen to reason. We've suggested finding another location but they want the church as it's free.  Supposedly we will have lots of help from her friends and family.  I really hope so as getting the church ready for the Sabbath the next day is going to be a big job. 

[busymama7]

5 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Yes, hanging out on the couch in the lobby is perfectly fine! lol.  Also, if you don't feel up to staying until the bride and groom leave, then don't.  And depending on your younger kids ages, they might not last that long anyway.  If my oldest were to be planning a huge long reception like that, she would be beyond understanding if either DH or I had to leave early because the kids were just done.  

 I don't like the idea of not being there to see them off.  And I'm not sure what they would think of us leaving early even if we could. And the thought of them not caring that we left would also make me sad. They want what they want and our needs aren't be factored for.  It's exactly what people say weddings are like but in my head I hoped it would be different. 

[busymama7]

2 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

 

OP please don’t assume a critical tone, but, if any of my kids were planning such a lengthy party event, his/her budget would include a line item for clean up assistance. The church should have a janitorial staff. I understand there will be decor to pick up but perhaps it could be arranged that you come back the next morning for that?

No because we have church at 9 am the next day. We are LDS and the church members clean the building. We don't have staff. We could pay someone to clean up after the reception but they are reassuring us that they will have plenty of help lined up.  

[busymama7]

1 minute ago, Seasider too said:

 

“They won’t listen to reason”???Simply tell them they either need a solid written list of who exactly is going to be there to help, or they can cut the reception time by an hour if they expect it to fall on you.

I am going to do exactly that.  Ask for a list 😉

[catz]

Well, if they want a free space, I don't think it's unreasonable that they have some budget for clean up or assign that duty to their wedding party/friend circle or to work with the church on clean up and for you to say you are sorry but you just can't take that on.  

I really think you being there at the end is your call.  I've been to many weddings where it's just the youngest folks dancing into the wee hours and most other people clearing out a bit earlier, including parents.  Obviously that is your call whether you want to stay or not.  I don't think it's unreasonable they throw the party they want.  I don't think it's unreasonable for you to leave early if it's going to go very late.  I think missing their leaving the venue is only a big deal if you think it is.  

Oh - I just read about the church circumstances.  I think assigning someone to oversee cleaning that isn't a parent is what they need to do.  Or they can budget for it.  For a free venue, I don't think that is unreasonable.

[busymama7]

1 minute ago, Seasider too said:

 

How much of the cost are you bearing?

That is still unclear and undecided. It is a VERY complicated process.  We have a budget in mind for our part but they are a moving target with the planning and it's just complicated. I have contacted a wedding planner in hopes that they will use her services(we will pay for it) to try to smooth some of this stuff out. 

[busymama7]

3 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Well, if they want a free space, I don't think it's unreasonable that they have some budget for clean up or assign that duty to their wedding party/friend circle or to work with the church on clean up and for you to say you are sorry but you just can't take that on.  

I really think you being there at the end is your call.  I've been to many weddings where it's just the youngest folks dancing into the wee hours and most other people clearing out a bit earlier, including parents.  Obviously that is your call whether you want to stay or not.  I don't think it's unreasonable they throw the party they want.  I don't think it's unreasonable for you to leave early if it's going to go very late.  I think missing their leaving the venue is only a big deal if you think it is.  

Oh - I just read about the church circumstances.  I think assigning someone to oversee cleaning that isn't a parent is what they need to do.  Or they can budget for it.  For a free venue, I don't think that is unreasonable.

No it's not unreasonable but they are 😬. I am really hoping they will agree to sit down with the wedding planner so that we can iron these kinks out. So far it's been all on them and they won't listen to what we are suggesting so I feel it's time for a neutral 3rd party. 

[mom2scouts]

I enjoyed my oldest son's wedding reception and I expect to enjoy another son's reception this year. This one will be different as there won't be many people we know at the reception and I'm always exhausted after large social events, but that doesn't mean I won't enjoy it.

[catz]

Well one thing you could do is just say we will be giving you X dollars as a gift to use toward the wedding.  And we have Y dollars allotted for a clean up service to take that off your plate.  Doing it that way may take stress off of you and you could throw in what you'd be happy to help with in a more hands on way.  Especially if the process is looking complicated with the other side's family, etc, pulling yourselves mostly out of the picture may help things go smoother.  

My parents did that for our wedding.  My mom took on one hands on element that was important to her (some of the music).  I will definitely do that for our kids too.  It's a good exercise for a young couple to budget and compromise together.   It's also perfectly acceptable to say "I'm looking forward to your wedding, but I can't be in charge of logistical elements that day so you will need to out source and budget for that somehow."

Edited January 17, 2019 by FuzzyCatz

[Carol in Cal.]

If it were me I would plan to stay through the clean up to make sure it was done right, but I would also hire a team to actually do the work.  I’d bring along a comfortable camp chair or even a camping pad and sit or lie down while the cleaning was being done.  And I would do that happily because it would enable me to enjoy my kid’s wedding.

[theelfqueen]

I don't like weddings much in general. So my son's wedding was mostly stressful and exhausting to me. 

[busymama7]

3 months away.  Things like the ceremony and reception hall are reserved, DJ and band etc are done. Some decorations. We are being held up by details changing like the start time for the reception. At first it was 7ish, cake and desserts only. Now as of yesterday they want it to start at 5 but still not serve any dinner/food. I'm pushing back with that as I think it's rude to do that. We havent given them a number as we were told her parents were paying for everything. Now we are being told that isn't fair. Like I said, complicated. I don't have a problem giving them a number and having them work with it but things like not feeding their guests is making me crazy so I'm wanting to hold back a second until the planner is involved and then say that we will pay for the food as our contribution so that they will agree to it. 

 

[busymama7]

24 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

If it were me I would plan to stay through the clean up to make sure it was done right, but I would also hire a team to actually do the work.  I’d bring along a comfortable camp chair or even a camping pad and sit or lie down while the cleaning was being done.  And I would do that happily because it would enable me to enjoy my kid’s wedding.

If I try to do this I think I will offend them (bride and family) as they say they have lots of family and friends who will help. But if they can't give me a commited list of those who have agreed to stay until it's clean then yes, hiring it out would for sure be a good plan.  I will be asking her to put together that list at our next meeting tonight

[busymama7]

To add to it, my son is out of state at college and her parents are from another country. Most of this is falling to her and we are trying to help but they ask for help and then get annoyed that we offer any suggestions other than of course that's perfect. 

[busymama7]

1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

Yeah, it sounds like a pretty stressful planning process.  Can her parents be like face timed in or something when you all get together so that you can be sure that you are getting the right information about what their plans are in terms of paying, family and friends helping out, etc etc?

 

Also it seems that you might be projecting some of the stress of the current planning process into the actual celebration itself.  You might find that once the planning process is finished, you are looking forward to the reception as a chance to relax bit more.  

There is a language barrier too but we can try. 

 

I hope that is the case but the actual largeness and length of the party doesn't sound fun to me and isn't what I am used to at all. In my head I feel like if I still least knew the party would be fun it would be easier to get to that point but the truth is it just sounds exhausting. Like tons of work leading up and still no pay off either. But I just have to deal with that as I know it's my issue. 

[Carol in Cal.]

35 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

There is a language barrier too but we can try. 

 

I hope that is the case but the actual largeness and length of the party doesn't sound fun to me and isn't what I am used to at all. In my head I feel like if I still least knew the party would be fun it would be easier to get to that point but the truth is it just sounds exhausting. Like tons of work leading up and still no pay off either. But I just have to deal with that as I know it's my issue. 

So this is one of those things we do for our kids so that they will have great memories and good stories to tell their kids, and so on and so on.  🙂

[busymama7]

4 minutes ago, Medicmom2.0 said:

Is this a cultural thing?  Are long receptions with little food a common thing in your FDIL’s country?

I’m also unfamiliar with the LDS church.  The churches my sisters were married in had a wedding coordinator who undecorated as part of the church fee.  I would NOT be expecting my friends and family to clean up after a very long reception.  From your times, they’re expecting people to start cleaning up somewhere between 10 and midnight? Especially after not feeding anyone? 

This sound terrible and I love wedding receptions.

I think you’re going to wind up offering X amount of money and letting them know you’re not available to clean up, but they’re welcome to use the money to hire a cleaning crew or move the reception venue.

Long and large receptions yes and this is a thing she has to have to feel like it was a good day from what they are saying. The no food thing is weird and no it is not common. I've asked others from her culture and they are equally horrified  Yes that time frame is right but everytime I bring it up they brush me off and say it will be fine and there will be at least dozens of people there to help. Of course the bride and groom don't have to worry about this and yes I'm annoyed that they don't care that we do and that we are responsible for the church. 

LDS churches are a DIY kinda thing. No co ordinator.  The coordinator I want to hire is both LDS and the same culture as my future DIL. I an really hoping this solves the issues. 

[Valley Girl]

40 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

Long and large receptions yes and this is a thing she has to have to feel like it was a good day from what they are saying. The no food thing is weird and no it is not common. I've asked others from her culture and they are equally horrified  Yes that time frame is right but everytime I bring it up they brush me off and say it will be fine and there will be at least dozens of people there to help. Of course the bride and groom don't have to worry about this and yes I'm annoyed that they don't care that we do and that we are responsible for the church. 

LDS churches are a DIY kinda thing. No co ordinator.  The coordinator I want to hire is both LDS and the same culture as my future DIL. I an really hoping this solves the issues. 

You sound very stressed. It seems to me that the young couple need to get a few things straight. If Mom/Dad are responsible for the church and the actual physical state in which it is left, then you get a voice in what happens, including a firm commitment on and a specific plan for the clean-up process (how many people will  be availabl,  what specific tasks need to be done, what supplies will be needed, etc.). If they can't or won't work with you, then they need to find another location that will not burden you with this responsibility. The free venue does come with a cost--working cooperatively with the people you expect to saddle with the responsibility for clean-up. Sorry you're dealing with such an avoidable hassle (the lack of cooperation/communication).

[AK_Mom4]

Bummer!  That sounds so stressful. 

I have two kids getting married this year. DD25 is handling everything herself and I expect her reception will be low-key and full of music.  DS27’s fiancé has sisters that are doing everything for their wedding - DS and his fiancé will be flying in just before the wedding and leaving right after (military schedules).  

I  think my job will just be to show up and smile.  And possibly hand out tissues to grandparents.

I hope it all works out for you!

[busymama7]

I am 99% sure that the food thing is due to money but when I pressed my son for that, offering to at least pay 1/2 or all the food, he just argued that they just didn't want food 🙄. They do want a small quick dinner for bridal party etc but the timing they are suggesting is totally not doable and coordinator confirmed that (I have spoken with her and yes she knows we are the ones doing the hiring)

 

I really wish I could just show up and smile but they are just not prepared to handle this all alone.

[gardenmom5]

it's "business".  you have to move around the room visiting with people.  My focus was I wanted guests to have a nice time.

1dd's was made worse because I had an undiagnosed kidney infection and a temp of 102.  (I'm so glad I could only find a floor length dress that worked.  I was wearing long underwear, and sheepskin slippers underneath - and they were hidden.)  I don't know how I kept upright - I did end up sitting a lot.  afterwards during clean-up, I went in one room to do somethings, and a friend's dd kept saying "mother, make her sit down!"  I think my temp shot up after I got home.

[Murphy101]

I plan to keep my expectations and personal contributions low - so I suspect that will greatly aid my enjoyment. 

Seriously. If I’d done that with most of my life I probably would have enjoyed more of it general.

[happi duck]

(hugs)  This sounds very stressful.

In another thread peiple were sharing how looking back on their weddings they can see how clueless they were.  "We don't want food" will be one day looked back on with embarrassment I'm sure!

My nephew's wedding was at a venue that did not provide staff.  The people they hired were useless and family and friends pitched in to clean up.  Everyone was cheerful and understanding *but* diy clean-up is the thing that marred the event.  It was exhausting and not the best way to end the night.

[busymama7]

36 minutes ago, happi duck said:

(hugs)  This sounds very stressful.

In another thread peiple were sharing how looking back on their weddings they can see how clueless they were.  "We don't want food" will be one day looked back on with embarrassment I'm sure!

My nephew's wedding was at a venue that did not provide staff.  The people they hired were useless and family and friends pitched in to clean up.  Everyone was cheerful and understanding *but* diy clean-up is the thing that marred the event.  It was exhausting and not the best way to end the night.

Yes this is how I'm viewing it. I know it will be a long project and we will all be hating it. My son is insisting that it will only take 30 mins total since there will be "so much help" and that I'm just being dramatic. Yes he is generally dismissive and condecending. Not sure how that happened but he's his own person. I try not to own that or feel guilty that he is this way. 

[shawthorne44]

Who wants to do clean-up when they are in their nice clothes?     That is nuts.  
Also, if the wedding party gets food, then the guests get food.   Period.   

On clean-up, will it merely be throwing everything away?   packing up stuff in the car(s) takes effort.  

I think normally setting a certain amount of money is a good idea, but not in this case.  Paying for the wedding person, food, and clean-up as your contribution sounds like more than enough. You could combine the food and clean-up helpers.   Get take-out trays of food, and hire some of the kids in the youth group to serve the food and do clean-up.   

[SKL]

I would expect to enjoy maybe the last hour.  The rest of it, I would expect to be busy and stressed out trying to make sure everything is going reasonably as planned.

I'm an introvert so this is the kind of thing I dread.  😛  But knowing that in advance, perhaps I could plan it so most of the stress is on someone else's shoulders?

[Arcadia]

2 hours ago, busymama7 said:

Long and large receptions yes and this is a thing she has to have to feel like it was a good day from what they are saying. The no food thing is weird and no it is not common. I've asked others from her culture and they are equally horrified  

 

That would be weird for me coming from a culture that loves long and large receptions with generous amounts of food. My relatives are experienced at fast clean up though so it can be done for our family. Reception from 7pm to 11pm is my norm though so dinner is always provided.

I would be budgeting for food and cleanup, assuming that those tasks won’t get done. Hopefully your son and FDIL is willing to work with your wedding planner. 

 

[busymama7]

21 minutes ago, shawthorne44 said:

Who wants to do clean-up when they are in their nice clothes?     That is nuts.  
Also, if the wedding party gets food, then the guests get food.   Period.   

On clean-up, will it merely be throwing everything away?   packing up stuff in the car(s) takes effort.  

I think normally setting a certain amount of money is a good idea, but not in this case.  Paying for the wedding person, food, and clean-up as your contribution sounds like more than enough. You could combine the food and clean-up helpers.   Get take-out trays of food, and hire some of the kids in the youth group to serve the food and do clean-up.   

So, due to the DIY nature of most LDS receptions, cleaning up after is really normal and expected. Most people hire out the decorating and catering and so those people clean up that part but the rest of the church is done by family/friends usually. I've seen some change clothes before.  

The big difference is that generally receptions only last until 9:00 at the latest. They are wanting much later but since the rule is that we are supposed to be out by 11, they want to end it at 10:30. They would prefer later which is why I suggested they find another venue. Ending at 10:30 and being out by 11 is NOT going to happen but DIL, son and DILs mother all think it will and I'm the one with the issue. So I'm having to not be the bad guy on this one and just deal with the fallout. 

[Faith-manor]

I didn't enjoy my own wedding, and if I had a time machine and could go back, we'd just run down to the college chapel with our chaplain and a couple of friends, get it done, and then call our parents.

We have married off one, a daughter. It was DIY to save money, and no help from any corner. The groom's relatives were from out of state, my sister lived 700 miles away at the time, my mother was nursing along my father figure after major surgery, my brother never helps with any family event ever, and the out of town guests had a clear expectation of being fed an elaborate meal.

So we worked. We worked. We worked. We worked. I did hire a caterer. She totally screwed up! Big time, and had no work team, and could hardly manage because she had no work team. So we worked hard right through the reception, and then having made the mistake of using a church so there was no ability to do some of the tear down and clean up on Sunday, had to do everything that night and leave it spotless.

Yes I enjoyed the ceremony, and LOL, I was at the piano playing them down the aisle and back, doing all the prelude and postlude music. That was my favorite part!. The reception was a personal nightmare that I did not enjoy in the least though apparently the guests did. Dh was exhausted, DD's younger brothers were exhausted and run ragged. If we had it to do all over again, they'd be given a check and told "run away to Jamaica, call us when it's all over".

None of my sons are in a hurry to marry. Actually not one of the trio has any desire to marry. They watch their friends crash and burn in toxic relationships and have decided that dating, courting, relationships, and marriage are too much stress to be worth it. If they change their minds, at least as mother of a groom, I'll just be told what to wear and when to show up. If for some reason the bride's family thinks I should help in some DIY event, I'll write them a check and say, "Please hire help. I have BTDT got the t-shirt, and will not ruin the entire thing for myself, my husband, and my son by working like a dog for days." I will give them enough money to really be able to hire some help for several hours.

[Mbelle]

I do expect to enjoy my childrens weddings.  I have always enjoyed every wedding reception I have ever been to. 

I did once go to one out of obligation but two mimosa's in and it was awesome! LOL

[Guest]

I think, in general, it is never as fun to be the host of a party as it is to be just a guest. The closest experiences I have had have been graduation parties or Christmas parties; a large number of guests, a lot of preparation, and the need to be alert during the course of the event - is the trash bag overflowing? Did all the ice melt? Are people confused by the fondue? 

I would expect a wedding to be the same way. The best way around this is probably a wedding manager and assistant, but even with those, still. I mean, I wouldn’t expect to have a lousy time, but it’s definitely different hosting than it is participating as a guest. 

[Guest]

Quote

Yes I enjoyed the ceremony, and LOL, I was at the piano playing them down the aisle and back, doing all the prelude and postlude music. That was my favorite part!. The reception was a personal nightmare that I did not enjoy in the least though apparently the guests did. Dh was exhausted, DD's younger brothers were exhausted and run ragged. If we had it to do all over again, they'd be given a check and told "run away to Jamaica, call us when it's all over".

I just spoke with a friend of mine whose dd is getting married this May. The couple and her parents (my friend) and I think two best friends only are going to a tropical island and calling it good. Even the groom’s mom is not going. I think his parents are also divorced and family rancor on that side played a role in their decision. My friend said a few years ago, she would have been really bummed not to get to do a traditional wedding for her dd, but now that she’s seen other friends’ kids’ weddings - the expense, the effort, the DRAMA!!! - she is glad they chose this. Plus, she’s going to the Carribean in the deal so...

I’m realllly beginning to see the wisdom in this way of getting married, friends. Really starting to see it. 

[HS Mom in NC]

OP, you need more hands on deck to compensate for your medical issues.  You must feel exhausted all the time.  And I wouldn't enjoy a loud gathering with a huge crowd either, it's just not an introvert style reception, which is fine if that's what the bride and groom want.  Have nothing planned for a few days afterward and decompress.

Why would someone expect to not enjoy their kid's wedding reception? I certainly didn't. Family and extended family dynamics can be complicated.  Personality differences in certain combinations can be challenging.  Subcultures can vary dramatically.  Mental illness can make even the simplest things hard.  Depending on those factors in each engaged couple's situation, it can be perfectly reasonable and even wise to set expectations to probably-not-going-to-enjoy levels.  Don't mistake that for not wanting to enjoy it. Desires and expectations are completely different categories.

If you're interested in reading the details below you can easily see why mixes like these would make someone tamp down expectations about enjoying receptions.  It would be fine if all of these people had a history of keeping their thoughts to themselves and just being pleasant, but they don't.  Because they don't, decisions had to be made about whether or not to invite them at all and whether the fall out from not inviting them is worth it or if creating limits by making it short and limiting interactions is better. My mother has 4 granddaughters.  3 are married and she wasn't invited to any of their ceremonies and she was only invited to 1 reception.  The other granddaughter doesn't interact with her at all. But my mother is right, darn it! Right about what a wedding and reception should be. She knows better than anyone else and, darn it, she has the wisdom and experience everyone needs! She has almost no relationship with any of them but she. is. right. Let that be a cautionary tale to people everywhere.

I didn't expect to enjoy either of my daughters' receptions because of family dynamics issues, but I mostly did, which was a bonus.
Here are some of those factors we faced in each of my daughters' situations. I'm only listing major players among the relatives and the extent of my knowledge of some are limited:

Middle daughter's wedding: Married when everyone listed was local in AZ. Ceremony with couple and officiant (friend of groom) only, short white lace dress, charcoal suit, quick modest outdoor reception at groom's parents' acreage in a tent, catering buffet style from favorite casual Italian restaurant, sodas and water bottles, cake, and LED lights at rented tables instead of flowers. Friend with photography background took pics. 2.5 hours long. No booze, no dancing, no entertainment. Easy-going feel to everything.

Groom's Side
Groom: introvert, non-religious, non-traditional, frugal, sensitive to those in difficult family dynamic situations, flexible
mother: introvert who has some sort of either mental illness or severe social challenge like undiagnosed autism or Asperger's, rigid thinker, socially inappropriate behavior like asking potentially sensitive questions that are none of her business in public settings, non-religious, hyper-focused on things that don't matter, easily upset by unimportant things, unreasonable, material status oriented, 
step-dad: former fundamentalist but lapsed since his divorce, pleasant in social situations
maternal grandmother: pleasant in social situations
much older step-siblings: that he wasn't raised with, fundamentalist isolationists who don't really engage much in conversation (tried, I really tried)  and keep to themselves even at social events

Bride's Side
bride: introvert, non-religious, non-traditional, frugal, sensitive to those in difficult family dynamic situations, flexible
mom (me): introvert, sensitive to challenging family dynamics, only religious in my immediate family so I can get along with people of differing or no religious views, only strong options on weddings are don't go into debt, and don't spend resources: time, money, energy on things you don't really care about, frugal
dad (my husband): extreme introvert, can make pleasant chit chat if the situation calls for it, not religious anymore, upset he wasn't invited to the ceremony but wouldn't complain to anyone but me about it in private, wants some sort of ceremony and reception without debt, but wouldn't be the one to start the conversation, sensitive to and flexible with people in difficult family dynamic situations, frugal
adult sister (my oldest daughter): introvert, exploring religion, anxiety, bipolar 2 (the milder version), rigid, vocal about opinions in most situations, non-traditional, spendy
my  mother: ambivert, very religious, very legalistic, extremely judgmental about others-particularly non-religious people, rigid,controlling, holds grudges, meddling, vocal about everything she doesn't approve of in most situations, former church wedding organist and floral designer, social status oriented, only approves of traditional religious weddings/receptions, frugal,tried to talk oldest daughter out of marrying because groom wasn't religious (neither is bride, so it was stupid)
my step-dad: extrovert, pleasant and chatty, religious, not legalistic or judgmental of people, not status oriented, flexible, traditional, frugal
my dad: introvert, pleasant one on one or in small groups, non-religious, non-traditional, flexible, hates crowds and anything not in his usual routine but can suck it up, sensitive to people in difficult family dynamics situations, frugal
my sibling and step-siblings: 2 introverts (all religious but not judgemental), 1 extrovert (non-religious),  1 ambivert, 1 introvert is clinically depressed, all are pleasant and sensitive to the feelings of people in difficult family dynamic situations, very flexible and understanding, 2 materialistic, mix of frugal and spendy
dad's parents (my in-laws): ambiverts, religious, judgmental, constantly bickering between themselves, chronically negative when they think no one is listening but someone always is, both clinically depressed, materially status oriented, traditional, spendy

Oldest daughter's wedding:  Bride and groom recently moved to OH, bride's family to NC, bride's extended family and all of groom's family in AZ. Wedding planning off and on for 2 years, work and move were a challenging transition, decided in early Oct. to get married in 2 weeks, invited parents and siblings, but groom's family couldn't do it (explanations changed, I stayed out of it and didn't probe.) Bride's adult sister couldn't do take time off her new job. Bride's parents and youngest sister drove to OH. Bride's best friend (a photographer) flew from PA. Pics were gifted. The couple, friend, parents and young sister of the bride met for dinner at an upscale French restaurant  near the coupe's home. General sense of relief and calm.  1 year anniversary party in AZ was in planning stages, but with serous issues brewing over the Christmas visit with both branches of groom's family, I doubt it will happen.

bride: introvert, exploring religion, anxiety, bipolar 2 (the milder version), rigid, vocal about opinions in most situations, non-traditional, frugal
Groom's side
groom: introvert, always pleasant, non-religious, non-traditional, not judgmental, frugal
mother: NPD and everything that goes with that, non-traditional, not status oriented, spendy, tried to talk groom out of marriage in general because she is anti-marriage now
mother's GF: pleasant at social events
father: pleasant in social situations, non-religious, non-judgemental, non-traditional, not status oriented, serious likely EF problems, chronically missed/late events, deadlines, skips important details that have major effects on group activities, spendy, currently overwhelmed with living with an addict, caring for preschooler son by new wife and teen son in joint custody situation with ex-wife with NPD
step-mother: pleasant when sober, prescription drug addict self-medicating mental health issues and chronic health problems, currently in full force addition, refusing help that is lovingly and non-judgmentally offered to her, cannot function sober or stoned

[fairfarmhand]

Is there a function occurring in the church reception area for which your son can volunteer to help with clean up between now and then? I think it may be eye opening. 

[busymama7]

21 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Is there a function occurring in the church reception area for which your son can volunteer to help with clean up between now and then? I think it may be eye opening. 

That would be brilliant but he is out of state at college. He has grown up attending church parties and cleaning up after and he knows it's not done in 30 min. These are smaller with less decorations etc and it still can't be done. His answer is that FDIL's family and friends can do it since they are better at it 🙄. He is still squarely in the know it all phase. 

[hjffkj]

Honestly, with all  you have said I would personally sit down with ds and fdil and tell them that you will contribute X amount of money to the wedding but not have any part in organizing it or cleaning up afterwards.  You do not need to be the bad guy who shoots down their plans.  But you also don't need to be the one stressing about what happens when things don't go the way they thought it would.

Edited January 17, 2019 by hjffkj