Low self-esteem - What does it look like?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

As I review 2018 and plan for 2019, one of the things I would like to work on is my low-self esteem which rears its ugly head in a myriad of ways. Unfortunately, I cannot always tell what behavior and reaction is LSE and what is just because I'm me.

If you or someone you know has LSE, what are some behaviors you notice?

DO you know any good books about LSE  that you would recommend? 

[wintermom]

I do not believe that low self-esteem in itself is a psychological disorder. The way you phrase your question makes it seem like you see it as such. It could be part of a larger mental health issue, however. If it is tied closely to a mental health problem, then it may be wise to tackle that issue as it could be the root of the problem.

[Pen]

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/raising-low-self-esteem/

[solascriptura]

I always thought of low self esteem meant that a person just feels inadequate, less of a person, or unimportant.  They believe that they aren't worth it, in a sense.  You may be able to change behaviors or responses, but I'm not sure that you can just change low self esteem.  Low self-esteem is a kind of (false) belief about yourself and your worth.  Honestly, I struggled it for much of my life until I truly began to see myself as God saw me.  I have absolutely no idea where you find your value, but I began to see that if I always depended on a person to find my self worth, it's a losing game.  

[forty-two]

Thinking along "false belief" lines, Mindset, by Carol Dweck, was a game-changer for me.  It's not directly addressing self-esteem, but the fixed mindset it describes has a lot of overlap with characteristics of low self-esteem, in that a fixed mindset can definitely contribute to low self-esteem.  In a fixed mindset, a person assumes that their traits and abilities are, well, *fixed* - that either you can or you can't, and if you can't, there's nothing you can do about it.  Who you are now is who you've always been and who you always will be.  Dweck contrasts this with a growth mindset, where just because you can't do something *now* doesn't mean that you can't do it *ever*.  Failing today is just failing today, not proof that you are inherently a failure at something.

When I read the book, I realized I had a tangled mix of both fixed and growth mindset assumptions - it really helped me to get it all out in the open, where I could look at my assumptions, and explicitly get rid of fixed mindset assumptions and replace them with growth mindset assumptions.

[Alicia64]

Someone I really trust recommended these two books:

The Joy Diet and Finding Your Own North Star both by Martha Beck (she writes for the Oprah magazine).

The person referring said they were awesome and life changing.

I also want to refer you to Brook Castillo's podcast. So, so good for everyone, not just her target market. And totally free. I've been listening for two years now and haven't paid a cent.

Alley

 

 

[Alicia64]

I also heard that Carol Dweck is just awesome and Mindset is fantastic.

[Liz CA]

I find that low self esteem / worth is often accompanied by poor boundaries and "pleaser" tendencies. Since we cannot please everyone, anxiety or anger can follow which is then turned on self / self-blaming and this in turn feeds into low self esteem = "can't do anything right."

In more observable ways, people with LSE often look down, avoid eye contact, do not voice their opinions very often or couch anything in vague terms.

Edited December 24, 2018 by Liz CA

[Chris in VA]

Just a thought--this kind of thinking is prevalent in adult children of alcoholics as well as grandchildren of alcoholics.  Looking into ACOA and GCOA websites/resources can be of enormous benefit, even if you have no idea if that is in your backround. 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Thanks, ladies. I do have anxiety and depression and my LSE is part and parcel of those two things. It seems like certain triggers, however, really set off the negative thinking and the subsequent cascade can be overwhelming. 

Mindset has been recommended to me for another reason. Now that you have suggested it, I'm taking the hint, and will go find it for my next read.

[EMS83]

This psychologist sees low self-esteem as its own struggle: http://getesteem.com/

Her book helped me a good bit, but my faith has helped me the most.  I've been piecing myself (being pieced?) together over the last several years; I'm not sure whether it's "again" or "for the first time," honestly.  Not comfortable, but worthwhile.  🙂 

[Ann.without.an.e]

13 hours ago, Liz CA said:

I find that low self esteem / worth is often accompanied by poor boundaries and "pleaser" tendencies. Since we cannot please everyone, anxiety or anger can follow which is then turned on self / self-blaming and this in turn feeds into low self esteem = "can't do anything right."

In more observable ways, people with LSE often look down, avoid eye contact, do not voice their opinions very often or couch anything in vague terms.

 

This!  This, This, This!  Might I add....this!  At least for me, it was totally the case.  I cared far too much about pleasing others, making sure that others were happy with me, etc. I put many of my own feelings and opinions aside for others to make sure they were completely happy.  Long story short, some really hard things happened and the very people that I had worked so hard to always please turned on me in a very mean and vicious way.  I had to let go of what they thought about me, re-focus, and find my bearings.  Boundaries were established, decisions were made for me for once, not for others.  It was a life changing step.  Guess what?  My marriage is better, my friendships are better, my relationship with my kids is better.  

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.”

― Shannon L. Alder