WWYD?

[May]

Last year, I did the Ancestry DNA kit. My hubby and adult daughters were more interested in the results then me? As a result, my daughters would also like to get it done. There’s the problem. My hubby’s oldest sister gave up a child for adoption when she was 17. There is 14 years difference in age between the two and he only found out about it in his mid twenties. His brother told him and was shocked when he realized hubby didn’t know. Another sister mentioned it, also like she thought he knew. He didn’t say anything and conversation ended. These are the only times it has ever been discussed with him. The sister, who gave the child up, went on to marry and now has two adult daughters. Who knows what, I don’t know and feel it’s none of my business. My husband is concerned that if our daughters go ahead with testing, check the box which says they are interested in being contacted by relatives(?), it could possibly open up a can of worms. So, do I tell them not to check that box, no doubt, they’ll ask why, 2:be vague as possible and share a generic story about one of hubby’s siblings, nieces or nephews giving up a baby (he has 4 sisters, 1 brother and older nieces and nephews)3:do nothing and handle it when and if it comes up? My daughters love their aunt and I know they would never do anything that would cause her pain. She’s entitled to her privacy and it’s her story to tell or not. Thank you for your thoughts and insights.

 

 

[maize]

Can your dh talk to his sister and ask if she is OK with them knowing the truth? Because I would want to tell the truth. In general I think trying to keep secrets in a family is not the healthiest choice.

It may be that other nieces and nephews already know and it would not be a big deal for them to know.

[Carrie12345]

I don't know all the specific Ancestry options (ds did Ancestry, I did 23 and Me.)  If it's anything like 23 and Me, even without a "contact" permission, they would see a 1st cousin listed (assuming the 1st cousin tested, or their children) and probably have questions.

[Garga]

Growing up, I lived with my mom and dad on the east coast, while the entire rest of the family lived on the west coast.  I saw a few family members every few years for a couple of days. 

At age 21, my parents moved to the west coast.  I’m 45 now, so I haven’t lived near any family in 24 years.

I went to visit my mom/dad aunt/uncle this summer.  And for some reason, they decided to let some “family secrets” out.  Now, first of all, pretty much all of the family are strangers to me.  They kept saying, “You might be shocked, but...” and I kept telling them, “Um, no. I’m not shocked.  The people you’re talking about are strangers to me.” 

But honestly, I felt a little sick listening to them spill family secrets.  Not that they were spilling them, but that they’d been secrets in the first place.  After that visit, I absolutely hate the idea of “family secrets.”  

You’ll have to take this advice with a grain of salt, being that I don’t live near family and might not understand the full ramifications of doing this, but my instinct would be to go to the aunt and say, “My kids are going to do an ancestry DNA thing.  There’s a chance they’ll find out about your child.  Just giving you a heads up.”  And then I’d let the DNA chips fall where they may when the results come back.  Either the child will be on there, or s/he won’t, but I wouldn’t keep up the “family secret” thing for myself.  I wouldn't blab it outright, but I wouldn’t try to steer them away from doing their DNA thing.

[bolt.]

I’m getting the sense that the adoption of their aunt’s first child was a decision made in the context of family in the first place. People seem surprised that your DH didn’t know because he was there... but he was 3, so, really, it makes sense that he has no memory of it.

It might be that it is one of those shame-drenched family secrets that is never spoken of because of the sense of scandal. However, it sounds (to me) more like it is ‘never spoken of’ because it is ancient history and rarely relevant.

Having been related by marriage to these people, do you get a sense of why they don’t talk about it?

As adult (or near adult?) family members, I don’t think (in most families) your daughters would be expected to be kept unaware of this sensitive detail of family history.  I would tell them the vague story of auntie’s teenage pregnancy and the successful adoption of her baby, including the gender and what year it was. Then, when the results came up, they wouldn’t be shocked. It would be more like, ‘Oh, there she is’. They would also be ready to either sensitively not chatter about it, or sensitively approach their aunt about their intentions (if any).

[HS Mom in NC]

I think Garga's suggestion is very good.  Let's remember that this is the 21st century, not the 19th, so the culture has mostly caught up with adoption.  As an adoptive parent it's unthinkable to not let children know early on that they're adopted, and a positive and understanding attitude toward birthmothers who placed their children for adoption (not those who had children removed by the state for abuse/intentional neglect) is gaining ground. It's not going to be socially devastating to reveal Auntie placed a baby decades ago. She won't be shunned by all of society. Individual family cultures are a different matter, but this is a grown woman with adult children, not a teen living with her difficult parents.

We also have to deal with changing realities here. You can't control what all your relatives do. I'm sure Auntie has already thought about this. Assuming she's realistic, she's prepared herself on some level for the possibility.  Give her the head's up so she knows it could be set in motion soon. It also gives Auntie an opportunity to suggest any phrasing she might like you to use with your daughters if she wants you to explain or maybe she'll say if she does or doesn't want to be notified if contact is made between your daughters and her child she placed for adoption or maybe there's something else she wants to say or make known to relatives in this situation.

[Annie G]

I think along the same lines as bolt but would probably wait and see if said cousin shows up on the family line. If so, a casual ‘oh yeah, this happened but it was a long time ago and I don’t think about it often’ would probably suffice. I wouldn’t go to the birthmom now and bring it up because I’d worry that she thinks she is still being gossiped about in the family. I wouldn’t want her to feel that a past mistake (that probably made it possible for another couple to become a family!) is still a source of shame. 

But I know nothing about these dna tests-would said cousin only show up if he/she also took a dna test? If so, maybe the cousin isn’t even going to appear.  

[bolt.]

I think descendants of parents-who-were-adopted are often (not always) among the people who have a lot of interest in seeking DNA information, knowing their biology, and (at times) connecting with biological family members as an adult.

Threfore it seems like there is at least a fair chance that biological cousins down the line would be ‘in the database’.

[maize]

3 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

I don't know all the specific Ancestry options (ds did Ancestry, I did 23 and Me.)  If it's anything like 23 and Me, even without a "contact" permission, they would see a 1st cousin listed (assuming the 1st cousin tested, or their children) and probably have questions.

The way 23andMe works these days people who test do not show up in DNA relatives unless they opt in. If OP's daughters wanted to test there without others being able to see that they have tested they could. That would also mean they wouldn't have access to the DNA relatives feature themselves though.

[Katy]

Also an adoptive mom here. I would just tell them the truth now, not wait for someone to show up or not on a DNA test. It's very common for those who want to track down birth families to use every major DNA testing company.

But DON'T frame the adoption as a mistake.  It wasn't a mistake. It was a positive, selfless choice and took a lot of courage for their aunt to go through an entire miserable pregnancy, give birth to a baby and then selflessly give the baby a family she felt was better able to care for that baby than she was. She could have made many other choices, but she chose the most difficult and selfless choice there was for the good of her baby. That must have been very painful. It's probably still painful. So painful they should not mention it to their aunt. But nothing about that was a mistake. Good for her.

IF the girls want to opt into DNA matching, please have your DH give his sister a heads up.  It doesn't have to be a warning about being found, just an offhand comment about DNA testing is enough.

[SKL]

I would just make sure they know that some family members may or may not have interesting stories that differ from the generic two parents always married having all kids biologically within wedlock.

Who knows whether the adopted relative is even on Ancestry DNA, and if so, whether she is "sharing" info?  I was going to say it is unlikely, but actually I think adoptees may be more likely to investigate their past in this way.  But not all of them do.  So, if your kids find someone on there that is a "first cousin," you could then share with them that one of their relatives had a child very young out of wedlock and chose adoption.  I would advise against trying to contact that person, as it would seem more appropriate to let the adoptee decide if he wanted to bring bio family back into his life.

I am on 23andme and my closest relative in the database is a second cousin.  There is not a single person on there whom I know in real life.  Only one has a last name that sounds familiar from my dad's extended family discussions.  I do have a couple "second cousins" who may have an adopted person in their recent ancestry.  I am aware that I had cousins who were relinquished for adoption as babies.  I think it would be cool to find them, but I would never attempt to contact them first.

[May]

Thank you all for your insights. I know for a fact, my DH would never talk to his sister about it. What little he does know, the pregnancy brought great shame to the family:( It was a small farming community and they were very active in their church. I can’t imagine giving up a baby and continuing on as nothing happened. I know this wasn’t atypical for the time(probably 52 or 53) but my heart hurts for her.I will speak again to DH about this topic, keeping in mind the things I’ve read here. Thank you!

[Scarlett]

I would tell your daughters the truth.  The adopted child will or will not eventually come looking for her bio mom.....your daughters need to have a heads up about that.