Etiquette for taxi drivers

[Innisfree]

A small matter, really, but annoying me ATM:

If one is the parent of older kids or teens, and one finds oneself driving them to assorted activities, what obligation is one under to pay attention to said activities?

In the specific (small) class I'm thinking of, dd is the only participant who is not an adult. I am the only person who is present merely as a chauffeur. I have spent umpteen hours waiting patiently, but I'd really rather be playing with my phone than hanging on the instructor's every word. I feel so rude if I actually do that, though! The only place to sit is with the people who are taking the class, so I can't separate myself physically (although I don't take part in activities). The instructor looks at me as she's speaking, just like she looks at everyone else, and I keep feeling like I have to pay attention just to be polite, but it's not my class. Wwyd? Is it okay to at least divide my attention between the class and my own pursuits, or should I just smile pleasantly and daydream?

[Alte Veste Academy]

Taxi drivers should wait outside. ?

[Miss Tick]

Even when I drive my dc to events that have waiting areas, i still sometimes camp out in my car to be able to do my own thing without anybody feeling miffed. We have a standing operating procedure, like, "step outside to look for me, but if I'm not obvious please wait inside with the people you know." 

[Innisfree]

I guess maybe at this point I could wait outside. I started coming in because this is a dog training class for my dd with ASD. There just seemed too many possible complications for me to send her in with her dog and all the other dogs around. Actually I need to check the rules-- I may have to be there. Now she could probably handle being there alone, if it's permitted.

eta: Checked; because of her age I have to be there.

Edited September 18, 2018 by Innisfree

[goldberry]

I don't think you're under any obligation to appear to be paying attention.

 

[SKL]

1) I would go take a walk.

2) If I couldn't do (1), I would find a seat out off to the side and engage with my electronics.  (More likely a laptop in my case.  I would look very important having super urgent work to do in case anyone looked my way.)

[Miss Tick]

Hmm, if you have to be there I would shoot for sitting as far out of the way as possible. Perhaps bring a laptop and a notebook so it is clear you are "working" then do as you please. If you felt it was necessary you could make apologies to the instructor that you have something that you need to get finished tonight. 

You could look at it from the perspective that since you didn't pay for yourself to take the class, you don't want to use time/resources that belong to someone else.

If the class has been going well, they might be willing to excuse you from the requirement to be present.

[Daria]

Is there a reason you can't wait in the car, or drop and come back?

I think it would be disconcerting, as an instructor, to have someone sitting around the table or in one of a row of those chairs with desk arms who was using media..  If you were slightly separated (e.g. in the back of the room), then I wouldn't worry about it, but if you're really siting mixed in with other students, then that's hard.  

Can you get there early enough to get a back row seat?

[Daria]

1 hour ago, Innisfree said:

I guess maybe at this point I could wait outside. I started coming in because this is a dog training class for my dd with ASD. There just seemed too many possible complications for me to send her in with her dog and all the other dogs around. Actually I need to check the rules-- I may have to be there. Now she could probably handle being there alone, if it's permitted.

eta: Checked; because of her age I have to be there.

Sorry, I missed this post.  I wouldn't have asked my questions if I'd seen it.  I think the dog and the ASD both complicate things.

I guess my first question would be, what are you worried would happen that made you choose to be there.  Is it something where your DD could ask you for your attention, or something like not reading the cues of another dog, leading to a sudden negative interaction?

If it's the former, then I'd see if there's any way you could move your chair to the corner.  I would explain it to the instructor that you feel as though both your daughter and your dog need some space to develop their relationship, so you're going to give them as much distance as possible, both physically (by moving to the corner) and psychologically (by averting your attention).  If it's the latter, and you need to be actively supervising, then I don't see how the phone will work.  

 

[Innisfree]

5 minutes ago, Daria said:

Sorry, I missed this post.  I wouldn't have asked my questions if I'd seen it.  I think the dog and the ASD both complicate things.

I guess my first question would be, what are you worried would happen that made you choose to be there.  Is it something where your DD could ask you for your attention, or something like not reading the cues of another dog, leading to a sudden negative interaction?

If it's the former, then I'd see if there's any way you could move your chair to the corner.  I would explain it to the instructor that you feel as though both your daughter and your dog need some space to develop their relationship, so you're going to give them as much distance as possible, both physically (by moving to the corner) and psychologically (by averting your attention).  If it's the latter, and you need to be actively supervising, then I don't see how the phone will work.  

 

Honestly, I probably just need to explain to the instructor. Writing things out and getting responses clarifies things until I feel silly not to have seen this from the start, lol.

At first there were multiple reasons for me to be there. The classes require it because of dd's age and undoubtedly liability concerns; also, I know dd doesn't always do well under stress; also, a bunch of dogs in the room.

At this point dd is pretty comfortable there, having taken multiple classes, but she's not always good at speaking up and explaining things if she needs to. Plus, the instructor changes with each six-week session, so they don't really have a chance to get to know her well. We have a better understanding of how her dog behaves around others now, too, but the liability issues and facility rules remain. Otherwise I'm just there for emergencies, essentially.

I do need to be in the room, and there isn't much space away from the others (lots of crated dogs around the room), but I'll just have to excuse myself and then look extremely busy. The laptop is a stroke of genius, thanks!

[Daria]

I think that explaining that you are actively giving your DD space is a good idea.

I am in a similar situation a lot at work.  I do a lot of "travel training" and "community based instruction", which means I'm teaching teenagers with disabilities the skills they'll need to be independent in public.  My presence is required, because my students don't yet have the skills to manage all parts of the trip, or because they don't have the skills to manage an emergency by themselves, but in some ways my presences keeps them from having the experiences they need to develop the skills they need, because both members of the public, and the students themselves are quick to turn to me rather than working things out.  

So, I often use my phone, or other excuses, to create some distance.  For example, I've had situation (I'm pretty sure I vented about them here before) where one of my students will ask someone who is working a question like "Where is the bathroom?", and rather than telling them, which would allow my student to practice skills like listening to the direction, or following a person's point, the employee will walk across the sales floor to tell me where the bathroom is.  I've learned that if I turn away, and stare at my phone (which I sometimes set so that I'm watching the interaction in my camera), people will actually talk to my student. 

[KungFuPanda]

They wouldn’t require you to be there just to take up space. Your attention must be expected. 

[Innisfree]

11 minutes ago, Daria said:

I think that explaining that you are actively giving your DD space is a good idea.

I am in a similar situation a lot at work.  I do a lot of "travel training" and "community based instruction", which means I'm teaching teenagers with disabilities the skills they'll need to be independent in public.  My presence is required, because my students don't yet have the skills to manage all parts of the trip, or because they don't have the skills to manage an emergency by themselves, but in some ways my presences keeps them from having the experiences they need to develop the skills they need, because both members of the public, and the students themselves are quick to turn to me rather than working things out.  

So, I often use my phone, or other excuses, to create some distance.  For example, I've had situation (I'm pretty sure I vented about them here before) where one of my students will ask someone who is working a question like "Where is the bathroom?", and rather than telling them, which would allow my student to practice skills like listening to the direction, or following a person's point, the employee will walk across the sales floor to tell me where the bathroom is.  I've learned that if I turn away, and stare at my phone (which I sometimes set so that I'm watching the interaction in my camera), people will actually talk to my student. 

Yes. Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear.

[Daria]

8 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

They wouldn’t require you to be there just to take up space. Your attention must be expected. 

 

I disagree.  I think there are lots of times when we expect an adult to be present for older kids but don’t need them interacting of actively supervising.

For example, at my school kids can’t be in a classroom without an adult.  The reasons that are given are things like evacuating them in a fire, and making sure they throw away their trash.  Sometimes kids need a quiet space at lunch, so if I am planning on working in my room at lunch, I will let them in.  But I am entering grades, or helping another student.  I am present enough that I would notice a fire or a food fight and intervene, but I’m not providing active supervision.

 

[J-rap]

In your situation, and if you're concerned that your dd may need your help or guidance at some point, then I'd remain in the classroom but would not feel obligated to listen -- unless, you thought your dd wasn't taking it all in.  But if you trust her to do a good job listening, then I'd probably bring a book or catch up on my computer or whatever.  

[KungFuPanda]

14 hours ago, Daria said:

 

I disagree.  I think there are lots of times when we expect an adult to be present for older kids but don’t need them interacting of actively supervising.

For example, at my school kids can’t be in a classroom without an adult.  The reasons that are given are things like evacuating them in a fire, and making sure they throw away their trash.  Sometimes kids need a quiet space at lunch, so if I am planning on working in my room at lunch, I will let them in.  But I am entering grades, or helping another student.  I am present enough that I would notice a fire or a food fight and intervene, but I’m not providing active supervision.

 

You might be right.  It could be an insurance thing.  It's probably best to talk to the instructor about it and find out why she has that requirement.  It could be that children are welcome participants as long as an adult is actively engaged as part of the class.  The fact that she keeps eyeballing the OP leads me to speculate that she expects more from her.

[WendyLady]

It is awkward.  I go to my son's violin lesson.  He still wants me to come in with him, though he's at a point that he really doesn't need me there.  With previous instructors, I was needed to make a list of items to practice, but this instructor doesn't work the same way.  He does occasionally make comments toward me, but just as conversation, not practice points.

So I sit there, for an hour, in a very small space and uncomfortable chair.  Initially I sat with my notebook and tried to pay attention, but had  a couple close calls with falling asleep.  Now I bring the violin notebook, along with my calendar and my phone. 

I use the time to update my calendar, then I just spend time reading on my phone. I sort of listen and keep the violin notebook handy in case there's something I need to record (rarely).  I sometimes feel like I'm being rude, but I can't just sit there and do nothing, it's also not my lesson and I don't want the instructor to waste our lesson time with stories of orchestra past...

If I could wait in my car, I would.  Since I can't, I hope I give a vibe of there, but occupied (but not rude?)

Good luck!  I feel your pain!

 

[Miss Tick]

1 hour ago, KungFuPanda said:

You might be right.  It could be an insurance thing.  It's probably best to talk to the instructor about it and find out why she has that requirement.  It could be that children are welcome participants as long as an adult is actively engaged as part of the class.  The fact that she keeps eyeballing the OP leads me to speculate that she expects more from her.

I agree with you that it is an insurance thing, particularly since the op said it was a blanket age-based requirement. If the instructor changes every 6 weeks they may not even be aware that op isn't an official member of the class (although she is probably the only one without a dog ?)  Some instructors are probably equally uncomfortable NOT making eye contact since she is there and they don't want to be rude.