Dss16

[TechWife]

Lol. No. Just no. Not the reality of my son. At all. Lol.

 

Maybe not now, but in 5 months  or years, yes, it is quite possible his mother's odd behavior will come affect his eating habits. People are funny that way - we don't always show the immediate effects of the damage that is done to us, even when it is done with the best intentions in mind. 

[Scarlett]

I can tell that you are taking better care of his physical needs than his mother was, that is wonderful. Yes, I did miss the "drama," but I don't think that one appointment that occurred a few years ago is sufficient to address a current, ongoing issue. If it is determined that he currently has no issues with urinary incontinence, then I reiterate my suggestion that he needs outside help.

It was not one appointment. It was many many appointments. I don't know exactly when he went last.....6 months ago? But he has been under the care of a pediatric urologist for about 3 years.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Did you see the part where it doesn't matter what food it is?  He eats it all.  I cant' take all the food out of the house.

 

We have friends whose teen daughter was bulimic. She was arrested for trespassing in the middle of the night going through a neighboring business's dumpster for food. For more than a year, mom went shopping daily for food to keep as little as possible in the house, and she locked up whatever they didn't eat. They had two younger teens in the house also. (The girl eventually got into Teen Challenge and has been in recovery for 2+ years, now doing pre-med classes in college.)

 

I think you have to give your other son food to keep hidden. He should be able to eat and snack like a normal person.

 

 

 

There was no food in the house and we didn't go to the store until after the doctor appointment.  Do you think I am stupid?

 

I think I should  have told him no at Taco Bell.  I mean, I WANTED to....but it feels mean.  I have never had to deal with this.  I have never lived with anyone who is even one pound overweight.

 

It may have felt mean to tell him no, but I think it was really mean to go through the drive through and then be upset that he wanted something. It doesn't matter how hungry you were, that was really awful. :(

 

I know this has been a long and hard struggle to work with him. Even if you were home 100% of the time, I think his issues go beyond what a parent can do for him. The trainer idea was excellent, and perhaps you can get a prescription for a gym or Y membership to help with the expense (you may have mentioned this).

 

:grouphug:

[Scarlett]

Maybe not now, but in 5 months or years, yes, it is quite possible his mother's odd behavior will come affect his eating habits. People are funny that way - we don't always show the immediate effects of the damage that is done to us, even when it is done with the best intentions in mind.

Give me a break. Step brother eats all the food. Here is a box of breakfast bars.

 

Right. I am setting my son up for emotional damage.

[TechWife]

It was not one appointment. It was many many appointments. I don't know exactly when he went last.....6 months ago? But he has been under the care of a pediatric urologist for about 3 years.

 

Okay, so he has an ongoing urologic issue and you are upset that he is soiling the toiling area. Does the urologist know he does this? What does he say? Does he think that ds' should "just stop?" I am so confused. 

[Scarlett]

We have friends whose teen daughter was bulimic. She was arrested for trespassing in the middle of the night going through a neighboring business's dumpster for food. For more than a year, mom went shopping daily for food to keep as little as possible in the house, and she locked up whatever they didn't eat. They had two younger teens in the house also. (The girl eventually got into Teen Challenge and has been in recovery for 2+ years, now doing pre-med classes in college.)

 

I think you have to give your other son food to keep hidden. He should be able to eat and snack like a normal person.

 

 

 

 

It may have felt mean to tell him no, but I think it was really mean to go through the drive through and then be upset that he wanted something. It doesn't matter how hungry you were, that was really awful. :(

 

I know this has been a long and hard struggle to work with him. Even if you were home 100% of the time, I think his issues go beyond what a parent can do for him. The trainer idea was excellent, and perhaps you can get a prescription for a gym or Y membership to help with the expense (you may have mentioned this).

 

:grouphug:

He told me he had just eaten and didn't need/ want to eat. What could I have done? In hindsite I should have left him waiting at the doctors office and gone to get myself some food.

[Frances]

I will totally agree it is a life and death situation. But if he doesn't put forth any effort we are all spinning our wheels for no reason.

 

And tonight is the first time I have put food in Ds's room. For two reasons. Two keep it out of Dss's sight and to allow ds to have some of it. What part of that....at this point...is unhealthy?

I grew up in a home where food was put aside for certain people, certain occasions, hidden, etc. and personally I believe it can lead to an unhealthy relationship with food. I don't struggle with my weight and I never have, but I don't think I have the healthiest relationship with food. I would say same the same is true of all of my immediate family members, no matter their weight.

 

I was determined to do things differently with my son. Since the time my son was little, we simply brought very little junk or processed food into the house and rarely baked treats, so we never had to restrict or limit what he ate at home or hide anything. Even when faced with lots of unhealthy choices out in the real world, he almost always chooses the healthy options. He just doesn't seem to crave sugar or junk or processed food.

[Scarlett]

Okay, so he has an ongoing urologic issue and you are upset that he is soiling the toiling area. Does the urologist know he does this? What does he say? Does he think that ds' should "just stop?" I am so confused.

What is confusing? You were concerned he has some undiagnosed urinary problem that makes him drip pee on the floor. I told you he has been evaluated by a pediatric urologist and there is nothing physically wrong with his urinary parts.

 

Is it so hard to believe he could actually stop dripping pee on my tile? I believe he does stop when pressured by Dh on the issue. So he CAN stop the accidents when he wants. Or wipe it up with the Clorox wipes we provide.

[TechWife]

He told me he had just eaten and didn't need/ want to eat. What could I have done? In hindsite I should have left him waiting at the doctors office and gone to get myself some food.

 

You shouldn't have taken him to Taco Bell. You could have done many other things. Next time, consider running into a grocery store and picking up a yogurt and a piece of fruit. Or, better yet, make sure you model good eating habits by getting regular, nutritious meals at home and when you are out. 

 

Eating Taco Bell in front of someone who is dieting (and who likes Taco Bell food) is just mean. Then, on top of it, you complain that he also wants to eat Taco Bell food when you do. 

[TechWife]

What is confusing? You were concerned he has some undiagnosed urinary problem that makes him drip pee on the floor. I told you he has been evaluated by a pediatric urologist and there is nothing physically wrong with his urinary parts.

 

Is it so hard to believe he could actually stop dripping pee on my tile? I believe he does stop when pressured by Dh on the issue. So he CAN stop the accidents when he wants. Or wipe it up with the Clorox wipes we provide.

 

Actually, you didn't tell me he didn't have any diagnosed urinary issues. You said he had been seeing a urologist on a several times over the past three years, as recently as six months ago. If he has no urinary issues, why is he seeing a urologist so frequently? That is what is confusing to me. 

 

If he has no physical issues, it's likely he can physically stop the behavior, as he has demonstrated. However, he needs help figuring out why he doesn't care about this issue. Then, he can deal with that and perhaps he will begin to care.  A sixteen year old should not need his bathroom habits monitored by either parent. He needs help. Get him some help. 

[Scarlett]

I grew up in a home where food was put aside for certain people, certain occasions, hidden, etc. and personally I believe it can lead to an unhealthy relationship with food. I don't struggle with my weight and I never have, but I don't think I have the healthiest relationship with food. I would say same the same is true of all of my immediate family members, no matter their weight.

 

I was determined to do things differently with my son. Since the time my son was little, we simply brought very little junk or processed food into the house and rarely baked treats, so we never had to restrict or limit what he ate at home or hide anything. Even when faced with lots of unhealthy choices out in the real world, he almost always chooses the healthy options. He just doesn't seem to crave sugar or junk or processed food.

Great idea. It is the way I was raised and how I raised my son. Neither of us is overweight

[Lawana]

I will agree that my best for this kid may not be good enough. Thankfully I am not the one actually responsible for him. Dh is. And xwife is. So I am doing the best I can to support them....like taking him to the doctor. ,.shopping for food he might can eat...

The idea that our best might not be good enough can extend to our biological children as well. BTDT. Life is messy. If there were always clear answers, we wouldn't be struggling as much.

 

As difficult as it may be, please know that we can accept and encourage you as you are, and also see things from a different perspective.

[Laurie]

The entire family should adopt healthy eating and exercise habits, yes. They should have nothing but encouraging words for dss. They should be willing to forgo what they like because what they like can kill him. Yes, absolutely. 

 

It is a life and death situation. Physicians aren't making this stuff up. Obesity leads to high blood pressure and heart disease. High blood pressure can lead, not only to heart failure, but kidney failure and liver failure. Obesity can lead to problems with skeletal support - back issues, foot and leg issues, neck issues. It can lead to skin issues as well. Skin is pretty important - it kinda keeps our innards in place. Should a person develop type 2 diabetes, they have considerably shortened their life span. They could end up with damaged nerves - not just numbness, but constant burning sensations and eventually loss of limbs, particularly feet and legs. People who are obese sometimes develop sleep apnea - this means that they stop breathing while sleeping. Many cannot lie down to sleep because of it, and medical interventions such as C-PAP only help minimally at a point. People who stop breathing while they are asleep die. 

 

Allowing a healthy person to hide food in their room is setting them up for unhealthy eating habits in the long term. Food is fuel, it is a necessary part of life. It should not need to be hidden. The entire family has to support this person. 

 

 Since you quoted me...

 

I'm not ignorant of the health problems linked with obesity.  What I said was that it's not the same life or death situation as exposing a person with a peanut allergy to something that could kill him immediately.  The young man in this situation needs to face reality, or will he expect everyone...co-workers, future spouse and children, anyone he ever dines with...to also sign onto his special needs diet?   

 

I think it should be up to the individuals in Scarlett's household whether or not they want to drastically change their own diets .   And I totally understand that some people have medical reasons for avoiding certain foods...I shop/cook for a diabetic and someone with IBS.   At first, when I changed meals to accommodate the diabetic diet it turned out that this very negatively affected the one with GI issues.  (I can tell you that while whole grains might be preferable for blood sugar they can be like internal sandpaper for the person with IBS, just for example.)   

 

The food is fuel thing doesn't work for me...I believe in and support the eating of treats within reason.   And I also believe that the world would be a better place if more people would focus on self-control than on other-control.  

 

It sounds like keeping food in one's own room is a last resort when there's someone else perfectly willing to eat more than his fair share without regard for himself or others.    

[Scarlett]

You shouldn't have taken him to Taco Bell. You could have done many other things. Next time, consider running into a grocery store and picking up a yogurt and a piece of fruit. Or, better yet, make sure you model good eating habits by getting regular, nutritious meals at home and when you are out.

 

Eating Taco Bell in front of someone who is dieting (and who likes Taco Bell food) is just mean. Then, on top of it, you complain that he also wants to eat Taco Bell food when you do.

 

He likes most food. He told me he just ate and didn't want to eat more. what could I have eaten that wouldn't have been 'mean'?

[Scarlett]

The idea that our best might not be good enough can extend to our biological children as well. BTDT. Life is messy. If there were always clear answers, we wouldn't be struggling as much.

 

As difficult as it may be, please know that we can accept and encourage you as you are, and also see things from a different perspective.

Thank you. That is very kind.

[Scarlett]

Actually, you didn't tell me he didn't have any diagnosed urinary issues. You said he had been seeing a urologist on a several times over the past three years, as recently as six months ago. If he has no urinary issues, why is he seeing a urologist so frequently? That is what is confusing to me.

 

If he has no physical issues, it's likely he can physically stop the behavior, as he has demonstrated. However, he needs help figuring out why he doesn't care about this issue. Then, he can deal with that and perhaps he will begin to care. A sixteen year old should not need his bathroom habits monitored by either parent. He needs help. Get him some help.

He is a bedwetter. He takes meds nightly to prevent it. It has worked almost 100% of the time. For a couple of years now.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Does the doctor who monitors his BP and weight, also screen him for type 2 diabetes? Or does the urologist do an A1C when he sees him?

[Scarlett]

What does dh say? I think you’re right in turning it over to him. I’d let him handle it, maybe even the visits to the dr to talk about weight. Just give it to him. Stock the kitchen with healthy foods and let dh take over the rest.

Yes. This is my plan. And to find a way to save a treat or two for my son.

[Scarlett]

Does the doctor who monitors his BP and weight, also screen him for type 2 diabetes? Or does the urologist do an A1C when he sees him?

The family doctor does all his blood work. Everything was normal.

[TechWife]

 Since you quoted me...

 

I'm not ignorant of the health problems linked with obesity.  What I said was that it's not the same life or death situation as exposing a person with a peanut allergy to something that could kill him immediately.  The young man in this situation needs to face reality, or will he expect everyone...co-workers, future spouse and children, anyone he ever dines with...to also sign onto his special needs diet?   

 

I think it should be up to the individuals in Scarlett's household whether or not they want to drastically change their own diets .   And I totally understand that some people have medical reasons for avoiding certain foods...I shop/cook for a diabetic and someone with IBS.   At first, when I changed meals to accommodate the diabetic diet it turned out that this very negatively affected the one with GI issues.  (I can tell you that while whole grains might be preferable for blood sugar they can be like internal sandpaper for the person with IBS, just for example.)   

 

The food is fuel thing doesn't work for me...I believe in and support the eating of treats within reason.   And I also believe that the world would be a better place if more people would focus on self-control than on other-control.  

 

It sounds like keeping food in one's own room is a last resort when there's someone else perfectly willing to eat more than his fair share without regard for himself or others.    

 

Yes, it is the same. It is a life and death situation. I would hope that close friends and family would always be understanding and considerate of someone with special nutritional needs, no matter what their age, just as I would hope that an adult with special nutrition needs would take ownership of his nutrition needs. If taking someone though the Taco Bell drive through is detrimental to their health, then don't take them through the Taco Bell drive through. If someone is allergic to peanuts, don't eat a peanut butter sandwich in their presence. Don't keep unhealthy food and unhealthy amounts of food in your home. Don't keep peanuts in  your home. Don' expect the person with IBS to eat like a diabetic, but don't flaunt the fact that you can eat things the person with IBS cannot. Each person should have their needs respected and when they are children, as this young man is, they should have the support of their parents. This particular situation is not a maintenance situation, it is a critical situation that can quickly develop into a life threatening crisis - stroke, heart attack, etc. can come on very quickly and with little warning. In this particular situation, everyone in the family should be on board with doing what they can to make it through the crisis until the situation improves. Sometimes we just have to suck it up, put on our big girl panties, keep our chins up and do the right thing. 

[scoutingmom]

LOL...maybe it will lead him to realize he needs to stop eating all the food in the house.

Do you even hear yourself?

[TechWife]

He is a bedwetter. He takes meds nightly to prevent it. It has worked almost 100% of the time. For a couple of years now.

 

So he does have a diagnosed urinary issue - enuresis. His physical anatomy is functioning properly, but he does have a diagnosed urinary issue of enuresis. Thank you for the clarification. Does the urologist know about the toileting issue as well? 

[Scarlett]

Yes, it is the same. It is a life and death situation. I would hope that close friends and family would always be understanding and considerate of someone with special nutritional needs, no matter what their age, just as I would hope that an adult with special nutrition needs would take ownership of his nutrition needs. If taking someone though the Taco Bell drive through is detrimental to their health, then don't take them through the Taco Bell drive through. If someone is allergic to peanuts, don't eat a peanut butter sandwich in their presence. Don't keep unhealthy food and unhealthy amounts of food in your home. Don't keep peanuts in your home. Don' expect the person with IBS to eat like a diabetic, but don't flaunt the fact that you can eat things the person with IBS cannot. Each person should have their needs respected and when they are children, as this young man is, they should have the support of their parents. This particular situation is not a maintenance situation, it is a critical situation that can quickly develop into a life threatening crisis - stroke, heart attack, etc. can come on very quickly and with little warning. In this particular situation, everyone in the family should be on board with doing what they can to make it through the crisis until the situation improves. Sometimes we just have to suck it up, put on our big girl panties, keep our chins up and do the right thing.

You keep saying Taco Bell as if it is the big trigger for Dss. I have no knowledge that it means anything to him special.....I needed a quick bite to get through the afternoon of doctor visit is and grocery shopping.....it was not unreasonable of me to stop to get a taco especially when he told me he had just eaten.

[Scarlett]

Do you even hear yourself?

Yes I hear myself.

 

Dear dss16. Please stop eating all the food in the house. Other people live here who also need food to survive.

Signed,

Wicked step mother

[Scarlett]

So he does have a diagnosed urinary issue - enuresis. His physical anatomy is functioning properly, but he does have a diagnosed urinary issue of enuresis. Thank you for the clarification. Does the urologist know about the toileting issue as well?

The toileting issue? Good God. He drips pee on the floor. Beyond that he fails to clean it up, please don't make this some sort of urologic issue. Seriously. But no we haven't told the pediatric urologist he drips pee on the floor and fails to clean it up. Maybe the threat of telling the pediatric urologist will get dss16 attention.

[TechWife]

He likes most food. He told me he just ate and didn't want to eat more. what could I have eaten that wouldn't have been 'mean'?

 

Well, like I said in the post you quoted, you could have run into a grocery store and picked up a yogurt and piece of fruit. Or, you can change your habits so that you model healthy eating by eating nutritious healthy meals and snacks on a regular basis so that you don't find yourself out of the house and in a panic because you don't haven't met your nutrition needs properly. What you shouldn't be doing is tempting him with food you know he shouldn't be eating. You know he eats when he shouldn't, so going through the Taco Bell drive thru with him in the car, letting him order and getting the food for him is setting him up to fail. 

[Scarlett]

Well, like I said in the post you quoted, you could have run into a grocery store and picked up a yogurt and piece of fruit. Or, you can change your habits so that you model healthy eating by eating nutritious healthy meals and snacks on a regular basis so that you don't find yourself out of the house and in a panic because you don't haven't met your nutrition needs properly. What you shouldn't be doing is tempting him with food you know he shouldn't be eating. You know he eats when he shouldn't, so going through the Taco Bell drive thru with him in the car, letting him order and getting the food for him is setting him up to fail.

Blah blah blah.

 

I am a human being, who went away for the weekend with my husband to visit his family and spent Monday morning doing laundry and Monday afternoon at the doctor office with my step son. I needed a bite of food. Stop acting like I am modeling poor eating habits.

[TechWife]

The toileting issue? Good God. He drips pee on the floor. Beyond that he fails to clean it up, please don't make this some sort of urologic issue. Seriously. But no we haven't told the pediatric urologist he drips pee on the floor and fails to clean it up. Maybe the threat of telling the pediatric urologist will get dss16 attention.

 

He shouldn't be threatened, but it should be discussed with the urologist. I would hope that if there is a physiological reason for it, you would want that reason addressed the best way possible. There may be physical issues the urologist didn't; address in his initial evaluation because he didn't know he needed to. 

 

I don't understand why you are insisting he can "just stop" doing this on a consistent bass when he has a known urological issue without thoroughly investigating the possibility there might actually be something physical going on that you don't know about. I don't understand why you wouldn't tell a urologist this. 

Edited December 19, 2017 by TechWife

[TechWife]

Blah blah blah.

 

I am a human being, who went away for the weekend with my husband to visit his family and spent Monday morning doing laundry and Monday afternoon at the doctor office with my step son. I needed a bite of food. Stop acting like I am modeling poor eating habits.

 

But you are. 

[TechWife]

You keep saying Taco Bell as if it is the big trigger for Dss. I have no knowledge that it means anything to him special.....I needed a quick bite to get through the afternoon of doctor visit is and grocery shopping.....it was not unreasonable of me to stop to get a taco especially when he told me he had just eaten.

 

No, you are the one who went to the Taco Bell. It is unreasonable for you to stop and get a Taco. Even though he told you he had just eaten, you are the adult and you know that he eats when he doesn't need to eat. As the adult, it is up to you to model good habits and to do everything you can to help him. Tempting him with food he shouldn't eat, whether it be Taco Bell, which is not healthy food, or eating food in front of him when he shouldn't be eating is in no way supportive of his needs. It is unreasonable of you to expect him to be able to magically control himself in a difficult situation. 

[Scarlett]

He shouldn't be threatened, but it should be discussed with the urologist. I would hope that if there is a physiological reason for it, you would want that reason addressed the best way possible. There may be physical issues the urologist didn't; address in his initial evaluation because he didn't know he needed to.

 

I don't understand why you are insisting he can "just stop" doing this on a consistent bass when he has a known urological issue without thoroughly investigating the possibility there might actually be something physical going on that you don't know about. I don't understand why you wouldn't tell a urologist this.

Omg. He can't absolutely stop peeing on the floor or if not he can absolutely clean it up. Why are you making this some deal? Good God.

 

He wets the bed sometimes. That he can't help. But we certainly expect him to wash his dang pee soaked bedding. Because even though he has a medical condition that makes him pee the bed he Also has the ability to wash the bedding.

 

I am living in crazy town.

[Scarlett]

But you are.

No I am not. A taco on a unusual day is not the model. I dont have to be perfect to model good habits.

[TechWife]

Omg. He can't absolutely stop peeing on the floor or if not he can absolutely clean it up. Why are you making this some deal? Good God.

 

He wets the bed sometimes. That he can't help. But we certainly expect him to wash his dang pee soaked bedding. Because even though he has a medical condition that makes him pee the bed he Also has the ability to wash the bedding.

 

I am living in crazy town.

 

You are the one who is making it a big deal. I wouldn't have known about it if you hadn't brought it up. I really do want to encourage you to get some outside help in regards to how you interact with this young man and how you react to him. 

[Scarlett]

No, you are the one who went to the Taco Bell. It is unreasonable for you to stop and get a Taco. Even though he told you he had just eaten, you are the adult and you know that he eats when he doesn't need to eat. As the adult, it is up to you to model good habits and to do everything you can to help him. Tempting him with food he shouldn't eat, whether it be Taco Bell, which is not healthy food, or eating food in front of him when he shouldn't be eating is in no way supportive of his needs. It is unreasonable of you to expect him to be able to magically control himself in a difficult situation.

It is not unreasonable of me to eat a taco. And nothing you can say will make me believe I behaved unreasonably in this situation. I cannot be perfect all the time. Dss lives in the real world where occasionally people might eat fast food and he has to resist it. Or not resist it and take responsibility for not resisting it.

[Scarlett]

You are the one who is making it a big deal. I wouldn't have known about it if you hadn't brought it up. I really do want to encourage you to get some outside help in regards to how you interact with this young man and how you react to him.

Why? Because I went through Taco Bell? I need outside help on interacting with my SS because I drove through Taco Bell?

[TechWife]

No I am not. A taco on a unusual day is not the model. I dont have to be perfect to model good habits.

 

 

You are setting him up for failure and you aren't taking responsibility for it. I don't think you understand at all what his real issues are, or you would never do this. Would you likewise say "I had a bad day, so I'm going to get a drink" even though you are eating with an alcoholic that is desperately trying to avoid alcohol? It is the same thing. Sometimes we parents do have to make sure we don't have "unusual days" that are to the detriment of our children. It's part of parenting. For you, it's part of step-parenting. 

 

I don't think there is anything more I can possibly say as you seem determined to avoid responsibility for the effect your poor planning and resulting poor choices have on those around you. Perfection isn't required, consideration is required. 

[TechWife]

Why? Because I went through Taco Bell? I need outside help on interacting with my SS because I drove through Taco Bell?

 

I would say that is a symptom,  yes. Getting to the underlying issue would help you figure out why you did that and why you don't think it's a big deal. Actually, I think we were talking about his toileting issues, but yes, figuring out why you react to him the way you do and finding better ways to do so could be helpful all the way around. 

Edited December 19, 2017 by TechWife

[Scarlett]

I would say that is a symptom, yes.

LOL....ok then. Just know I think that is an irrational opinion and I won't be paying it any mind.

[TechWife]

LOL....ok then. Just know I think that is an irrational opinion and I won't be paying it any mind.

 

I'm not surprised. 

[kitten18]

I don't even think I have anything to say this time around. I'm just so sad for this poor boy.

[scoutingmom]

Yes I hear myself.

 

Dear dss16. Please stop eating all the food in the house. Other people live here who also need food to survive.

Signed,

Wicked step mother

Btw I am a step mother to 3 and also have 4 with my husband.

 

You are laughing at some very inappropriate times.

 

Your preference for your full son and feelings about your step-son come through loud and clear, although I don't think you are even aware of them.

 

You definitely have very strong food issues, although I'm sure it is only this situation that bring them to light. You also have very strong attitudes about weight and do tie that into your opinion on a person's character. Again, I don't think you are aware of them.

 

Btw... instead of going through taco bell to eat in front of him (even though he ate earlier), you should have gotten quick healthy food that doesn't fill the car with a strong tantilizing aroma... something that you wouldn't have been upset about him eating if he decided to eat.

 

I have adult family members that will not eat in front of non-family members because of food issues and the attitudes they have felt from other people. We go, for example, to the church Christmas dinner. They will socialize, but will not have a single bite to eat. We come home and they make something for their supper. I eat because I put mental armour on and tell myself that I could give a care what others are judgeing me about. I worry about the food issues my kids (ALL, although my step-kids are adults now) are likely getting because of their exposure to things like that.

 

I honestly think you ard trying. It isn't an easy issue, and opinions vary. The thing that I find sad is how clearly your feelings about your step-son, the blended family, food, weight, etc. come through to some of us through your writings, and honestly it doesn't look good. I am of the opinion that if your family doesn't get some help with these attitudes and issues within the family, that your trying to help is likely to cause more issues. As already said by others, the food is a symptom. And re-inforcing the second-class citizenship that appears your step-son has in the family by having different foods available to different family members is not going to help.

 

I won't say my family is the best example of a blended family.... but I will say that I never ever called it that. It was our family. I only called my step-kids 'step-kids'as that was their preference. And My grand kids are my grand kids.

[Scarlett]

You are setting him up for failure and you aren't taking responsibility for it. I don't think you understand at all what his real issues are, or you would never do this. Would you likewise say "I had a bad day, so I'm going to get a drink" even though you are eating with an alcoholic that is desperately trying to avoid alcohol? It is the same thing. Sometimes we parents do have to make sure we don't have "unusual days" that are to the detriment of our children. It's part of parenting. For you, it's part of step-parenting.

 

I don't think there is anything more I can possibly say as you seem determined to avoid responsibility for the effect your poor planning and resulting poor choices have on those around you. Perfection isn't required, consideration is required.

Poor planning? Holy crap. You are not listening to me. You hear nothing but your own sanctimonious opinion. Stop. Just stop.

[Joker]

I honestly think you feel you're doing your best but I do think you could look at it differently.

 

I lost my taste and smell years ago and some foods are just horrible to me in terms of smell and taste. Dh and neither of my dc will bring the bad smelling foods into our home nor will they ask to ever eat at certain places (Taco Bell is one). I've never asked it of them. Yes, I live in the real world and have to deal with those horrible smells but those that love and care for me go out of their way to help me avoid them. I also know they really enjoy some things I hate so I go out of my way to make them certain foods every few months (anything with cilantro as it's now the foulest smelling food to me). I really don't think it's too much for one to ask or expect that those closest to them are considerate of their needs and wishes. You always seem in your posts to be very considerate of what your dh wants or needs so maybe you could extend that consideration to what your stepson needs.

[scoutingmom]

Blah blah blah.

 

I am a human being, who went away for the weekend with my husband to visit his family and spent Monday morning doing laundry and Monday afternoon at the doctor office with my step son. I needed a bite of food. Stop acting like I am modeling poor eating habits.

You were mad at your step-son because he wanted to eat what you were eating in front of him. Something that would have a strong tantalizing odor. Taco bell. KFC. McDonalds. Pretty much any fast food has a strong odor that is going to tempt most people, especially someone that has food issues. Or teenaged boys (or even teenaged girls).

 

You don't see that that is cruel? Really?

 

Wake up.

[scoutingmom]

 

 

I am living in crazy town.

Not arguing

[Scarlett]

Btw I am a step mother to 3 and also have 4 with my husband.

 

You are laughing at some very inappropriate times.

 

Your preference for your full son and feelings about your step-son come through loud and clear, although I don't think you are even aware of them.

 

You definitely have very strong food issues, although I'm sure it is only this situation that bring them to light. You also have very strong attitudes about weight and do tie that into your opinion on a person's character. Again, I don't think you are aware of them.

 

Btw... instead of going through taco bell to eat in front of him (even though he ate earlier), you should have gotten quick healthy food that doesn't fill the car with a strong tantilizing aroma... something that you wouldn't have been upset about him eating if he decided to eat.

 

I have adult family members that will not eat in front of non-family members because of food issues and the attitudes they have felt from other people. We go, for example, to the church Christmas dinner. They will socialize, but will not have a single bite to eat. We come home and they make something for their supper. I eat because I put mental armour on and tell myself that I could give a care what others are judgeing me about. I worry about the food issues my kids (ALL, although my step-kids are adults now) are likely getting because of their exposure to things like that.

 

I honestly think you ard trying. It isn't an easy issue, and opinions vary. The thing that I find sad is how clearly your feelings about your step-son, the blended family, food, weight, etc. come through to some of us through your writings, and honestly it doesn't look good. I am of the opinion that if your family doesn't get some help with these attitudes and issues within the family, that your trying to help is likely to cause more issues. As already said by others, the food is a symptom. And re-inforcing the second-class citizenship that appears your step-son has in the family by having different foods available to different family members is not going to help.

 

I won't say my family is the best example of a blended family.... but I will say that I never ever called it that. It was our family. I only called my step-kids 'step-kids'as that was their preference. And My grand kids are my grand kids.

Did you read that I only tonight put food in my son's room? So no Ds's has not had a second class status and no food in this house has been for ds p17 only.

 

We are a blended family. My am not this child's mother and of course I feel differently about my own son. I think it would be disingenuous to pretend a blended family is the same as an intact one.

[Scarlett]

You were mad at your step-son because he wanted to eat what you were eating in front of him. Something that would have a strong tantalizing odor. Taco bell. KFC. McDonalds. Pretty much any fast food has a strong odor that is going to tempt most people, especially someone that has food issues. Or teenaged boys (or even teenaged girls).

 

You don't see that that is cruel? Really?

 

Wake up.

I wasn't anywhere close to mad.

 

And no it isn't cruel to go through Taco Bell.

[Scarlett]

I honestly think you feel you're doing your best but I do think you could look at it differently.

 

I lost my taste and smell years ago and some foods are just horrible to me in terms of smell and taste. Dh and neither of my dc will bring the bad smelling foods into our home nor will they ask to ever eat at certain places (Taco Bell is one). I've never asked it of them. Yes, I live in the real world and have to deal with those horrible smells but those that love and care for me go out of their way to help me avoid them. I also know they really enjoy some things I hate so I go out of my way to make them certain foods every few months (anything with cilantro as it's now the foulest smelling food to me). I really don't think it's too much for one to ask or expect that those closest to them are considerate of their needs and wishes. You always seem in your posts to be very considerate of what your dh wants or needs so maybe you could extend that consideration to what your stepson needs.

Which is what? I have no idea what he needs or wants. There is no food on the planet he won't eat if he is anywhere near it.

[scoutingmom]

LOL....ok then. Just know I think that is an irrational opinion and I won't be paying it any mind.

That has been working well for you so far. For months you have been bringing up issues you have with your step-son, then ignoring the people that tell you there are unhealthy issues.

 

I will say this as clearly as I can. There are many issues in the family that are not your step-son's issues. Your family needs help. And your step-son has been placed in the position of the "problem child". As you spend your time trying to get force him to fix his problems, you can avoid the responsibilty of yourself and others in the family dynamic. Meanwhile he is given the message that he is second class, broken, not as worthy etc.

 

This all comes out in your writing. It honestly does.

 

Paraphrase: it isn't my fault, he should just eat less. I don't know what else I could do, he eats everything. Why would we get him help, he should just stop.

 

Wake up

[scoutingmom]

Poor planning? Holy crap. You are not listening to me. You hear nothing but your own sanctimonious opinion. Stop. Just stop.

Oh, believe me I hear you. Many of us hear you. You just honestly don't hear yourself.