Putting an unschooled teenager in PS?

[SW in IL]

A friend from my homeschooling group has a 13yo son who has always been homeschooled. For the past several years they've unschooled and now the mom is pretty much at her wits end because her ds literally does nothing all day except watch tv and play video games. He's gotten to the point where he doesn't even want to go out and hang out with friends, preferring the companionship of electronics instead.

 

Going out with them has turned from a pleasant experience to a nightmare. The son, when he doesn't get his way, will actually get physical with his mom... literally pushing her around until she's so embarassed about the scene he's causing (or maybe even fearful for her own physical safety) that she gives in.

 

His older brother was schooled in the same manner and now is teaching himself... not sure the word for it... computer graphics design, movie making type stuff. An older sister, also schooled in the same manner, has gotten very 'into' gymnastics and is teaching class.

 

I can't help but wonder why the older two have turned out so differently from the youngest. And I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.

 

Now my friend is talking about putting her youngest into public school. She's worried about that but doesn't know what else to do. She's tried, over the past year, to really work with him, teaching him (using, I believe, AOP's LIFEPACS, starting with the 4th grade ones) but he says the work is too hard and refuses to do it.

 

Any ideas?

 

Thanks,

Sue

[KrissiK]

Well, it sounds like there are more issues than just an unmotivated kid. It sounds like he has not been disciplined at all. Putting him in school isn't going to help, since his problem isn't academic, and at this stage in the game, they're going to have a tough row to hoe with him.

[Ria]

What you described isn't unschooling in the traditional sense. It's no schooling. Poor kid. Public school would probably help in the education department if he had enough discipline to do the work. From what you've described, though, his success anywhere sounds iffy at best.

 

Ria

[Tammyla]

That's very little information to go on, but could he have a LD of some kind? I'd start with a good assessment of him. A standardized test would be a good place to start.

[WTMindy]

I can not even imagine what my dh would do to our son if he ever pushed me!! It sounds like there are some serious issues that need to be worked through.

[Jami]

I can not even imagine what my dh would do to our son if he ever pushed me!! It sounds like there are some serious issues that need to be worked through.

 

:iagree: Mindy. Where is dad in all this? My dh wouldn't put up with that attitude toward me or education at. all.

[wide eyes & laughter]

is get rid of ALL electronics from the house. Box it up & put it in the rafters or sell it, whatever. This would send the message loud and clear - not just "ground" him from these things b/c with his physical treatment of his mom, he'd "get his way" pretty easily.

 

Since the other work is "too hard" - give him some that MIGHT be too easy? I wouldn't insult him with "baby stuff", but a very slight challenge would be something he might go for.

 

Thirdly, if there isn't a dad in the picture, I would commit myself to not giving in to him. Continue taking away his "desireables" - only to be given back when he shows respectful attitude toward his mom.

 

My guess is that as soon as his electronic gods are gone, his attitude may worsen at first but will soon follow w/ a sweeter more respectful attitude. Electronics would not come back into my house until he has shown respect and academic pursuits for a good long while. Then I would slowly introduce them back in - who knows maybe they wouldn't be missed after a while!!

 

I'd be interested in hearing someone's perspective who's btdt or similar~

[dragons in the flower bed]

I don't think public school will be an answer, except if the mom's afraid for her safety a majority of the day. It sounds to me like addiction. All addicts get pushy in one way or another when they're separated from their fix. In this kid's case, the dopamine his body craves is being provided by electronic media. I would remove all such devices from the house for a few months, and put the kid into therapy.

 

As to why two kids turned out alright but one didn't... Since the other kids are doing fine, I imagine it's not environmental or parental. It could just be his temperament. He could have a physical problem: thyroid, or allergies, or various psychiatric issues. It could be both. Everyone's different. I have two easy kids who would succeed no matter what, I think. Then I have one kid that was born angry and scared. He has needed lots of extra help to be calm enough to act altruistically.

[Cindyg]

His older brother was schooled in the same manner and now is teaching himself... not sure the word for it... computer graphics design, movie making type stuff. An older sister, also schooled in the same manner, has gotten very 'into' gymnastics and is teaching class.

 

I can't help but wonder why the older two have turned out so differently from the youngest.

 

Computers games and videos are not like other interests. They're addictive.

[mom2abcd]

Stories like these remind me to stay vigilant with limiting screen time, etc. LOTS of issues...

 

Here's a very sad story...

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,448026,00.html

[Tracey in TX]

Yikes, this boy needs some tough love. Ditch the electronics, and begin with basics. Not just academics, but behavioral training. He's slipped through the cracks long enough that he feels entitled to do as he sees fit. I tell my kids "I love you enough to set boundaries."

Mom needs to step up to her responsibility and stop pandering to DS's demands.

[jamnkats]

Well, FWIW, here is my experience. I have a 14yo who is very much "into" the computer. We homeschool (12yo and 9yo) and unschool (14yo and 7yo) and live consentually so I'm certainly not going to box up the computer and deny him access. A few months ago he agreed to try some academics but the last month he has dropped pretty much everything he was doing (Friday Freewrites, daily copywork and daily Teaching Textbooks). The material doesn't interest him and the expectation (even on his own and not inferred by me) that he is to do this work daily really grates on him. I continue to ocassionally talk to him and get his input and feel him out for what he is needing and would be willing to try.

 

I'm continually looking for other ways to engage him and when we make our annual US trip (a few weeks) I'm hoping to pick up some TTC videos. I also read books to them (finishing Sonlight core 5 now) - he and his brother - so he's getting some exposure there - he is usually on the computer while I'm reading though.

 

My children, once past the toddler ages, never got physical with me (that I can remember). My youngest is 7 and I know it has been ages since she did. So the fact that the 14yo is unable to control his body gives me concern that there is a deeper issue here.

 

I think it is really hard to see the value in computer gaming (I'll be the first to admit I have trouble personally) and I'm constantly astounded at some of the stuff my 14yo knows about - all related to Google searches and stuff that has come up in gaming. I'll be perfect honest and say I'd much rather he'd crack a book one of these days though. :)

 

It sounds like there is something deeper going on with this kid and the mom couldn't go wrong really trying to connect with him. I really don't think that public school is the answer unless that is what the kid wants.

[CAMom]

I haven't read the other replies yet, but some of the behavior you describe fits with the signs of video game addiction. We've dealt with that in our home. Once we addressed the issue, our family life really began to change.

 

Just a thought...

 

ETA: I see others have mentioned the addiction possibility. It is very real and very destructive.

Edited November 9, 2008 by CAMom

[Peela]

Computers games and videos are not like other interests. They're addictive.

 

I agree- and some kids are more easily addicted to them than others.

I feel sorry for people who get idealistic about unschooling- it does sound good after all- and then this addiction thing happens around electronics. It undermines all the value of the unschooling philosophy, but kids need a variety of stimulus and environments, books, ideas, exposre to different things. I guess electronics weren't around in John Holt's day, so it wasn't factored in.

I have a child who is addicted to electronics- it is severely limited and monitored and so his life is in balance, but if we didn't parent him and control it, it would have been way out of control and long time ago.

School is not a solution, but you never know what will snap a child like that into a different headspace- maybe a particular teacher, maybe a daily routine, maybe something the mother isnt providing. Or maybe not. Certianly the major thing is to cut off access to the electronics for most of the time so that the child is forced to engage with the world.

[Ellie]

There are more issues here than the way she homeschools. The only thing that will happen if this boy goes to school is that his mother will be safe during the day. He's gonna come home and be as much of a problem as he was before, and there are no guarantees that he will learn anything more at school.

 

This family has some serious issues. There is clearly no discipline in the home (unschool does not mean undiscipline). The mother could quite wringing her hands and unplug the electronics; the father could be all over the ds for being physical with the mother.