Black and white thinking driving me crazy

[Kanin]

Most of the time, my husband is a black and white thinker. About big ideas, philosophical ideas, science, physics.... he's a creative and expansive thinker. But day-to-day stuff? Not so much. Tonight, for example, he has to write a letter on letterhead. He can't find the "good" template he made a few weeks ago, but he does know where the old template is. The old template, however, "is terrible," and he doesn't want to sign his name to something "terrible." This small project that should take an hour is probably going to take 4 hours. 

 

I'm the complete opposite. I would rather spend 1 hour on a task and make it pretty good, good enough, than spend 4 hours to do something absolutely perfectly. To me, the difference between pretty good and perfect is not worth stressing over. My mind is constantly making calculations about what to do vs. the time there is to do it. Apparently our task-to-time ratios are vastly different. 

 

He's also REALLY BAD with time. He's been known to say that the experience of 5 minutes and 1 hour feel almost the same to him.

 

Maybe I'm just a slacker, but this is really bugging me at 10:30 on a Friday night!  :glare:

 

 

[Starr]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[MercyA]

He might have OCD. He probably has executive function disorder. I know it's frustrating for you, but it's probably even harder for him.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[JumpyTheFrog]

I thought black and white thinking referred to morality issues? Perhaps you mean that you are a satisficer and he is a maximizer?

 

ETA: https://gretchenrubin.com/2006/06/are_you_a_satis/

Edited September 30, 2017 by HoppyTheToad

[Kanin]

He might have OCD. He probably has executive function disorder. I know it's frustrating for you, but it's probably even harder for him.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

You're right, it's harder for him. He definitely has executive functioning difficulties. It's amazing to think that a person with a Ph.D. can have these problems, but he does. Usually I'm able to think positive and actually help him, but we're both exhausted and out of gas tonight. 

[Guest]

I actually think people with high level degrees have more of these issues than the general population. Some of what makes someone creative, super productive, or highly detail oriented and benefits their academic and career pursuits isn't actually neurotypical function.

 

My husband and I are both a little cracked in different ways, and that's actually what has made us talented in our specific areas of skill. We're like superheroes, but sometimes wearing the Clark Kent glasses can be trying ;)

 

And when we are tired or stressed the coping abilities go way down and our idiosyncrasies get exaggerated. That's really normal and something to watch out for. Our tolerance for other people's issues also drops like a stone when we bonk and hit the mental/physical/emotional wall. Again, pretty normal, but something to be aware of :)

Edited September 30, 2017 by Arctic Mama

[Pawz4me]

I actually think people with high level degrees have more of these issues than the general population. Some of what makes someone creative, super productive, or highly detail oriented and benefits their academic and career pursuits isn't actually neurotypical function.

 

My husband and I are both a little cracked in different ways, and that's actually what has made us talented in our specific areas of skill. We're like superheroes, but sometimes wearing the Clark Kent glasses can be trying ;)

 

And when we are tired or stressed the coping abilities go way down and our idiosyncrasies get exaggerated. That's really normal and something to watch out for. Our tolerance for other people's issues also drops like a stone when we bonk and hit the mental/physical/emotional wall. Again, pretty normal, but something to be aware of :)

 

All of this, but especially the first paragraph. DS18 is 2e. He'd make a fabulous college professor but  otherwise . . .I worry about how he'll do in the work force.

 

OP, I agree that black and white thinking doesn't really describe your DH's behavior. I'd say it's "perfectionism versus okay is good enough." Or OCD, like Mercy said.

 

:grouphug:

Edited September 30, 2017 by Pawz4me

[Carrie12345]

All of this, but especially the first paragraph. DS18 is 2e. He'd make a fabulous college professor but  otherwise . . .I worry about how he'll do in the work force.

 

OP, I agree that black and white thinking doesn't really describe your DH's behavior. I'd say it's "perfectionism versus okay is good enough." Or OCD, like Mercy said.

 

:grouphug:

 

While I can't relate to the template example, I am definitely a person who might spend 3 hours writing a two paragraph communication, looking for just the right words, phrasing, tone, and overall flow.  Later, I'll whip up a one line email that manages to shove both feet in my mouth at the same time.

Roast a perfect chicken, burn the potatoes.

Meticulously clean the ceiling fan... over the carpet I just vacuumed.

Spend 2 hours creating the perfect grocery list, follow it to a T, then order Dominos pizza because nothing looks good enough to bother cooking.

Wake up an hour early and get somewhere 20 minutes late.

Spend a whole weekend decluttering and gathering random garbage, then miss the garbage truck on Monday morning because I was in the middle of googling something.

Spend weeks meticulously painting kitchen cabinets, and then leave two of them hanging crooked for even more weeks because suddenly who cares about how the kitchen looks.

 

I have ADD with hyperfocusing issues.

[HomeAgain]

In our house we call this "forest and trees".  The forest people (like dh) can look at the overall picture and make decisions based on what would be best for the entire forest.  The tree people (like me and ds18) look at each part and focus our attention on making each tree perfect.  It also means we sometimes get bogged down looking at the entire picture because we see each part individually and can get so overwhelmed by them all "shouting" at us that we don't do it at all.  I have had friends look around my house amused because it looks so minimalist in certain rooms - I can't handle the visual clutter.  Cleaning the kitchen means, for me, to have to look at each individual item, decide if it belongs there, if not, then where, and putting it away where it should go.  So on our counters we have a coffee pot, a trivet, a wine rack, a crock of cooking utensils, and a cookbook holder.  Everything else has to be put somewhere.  Anywhere. 

 

Vacation planning is fun with us. :lol: Dh and I have hit on a method that takes both our strengths to deal with most every day things.  He makes one or two overall decisions to set parameters.  It's then turned over to me to focus on a list of details like restaurants, packing lists, etc., things that would be 'good enough' if he did them but not done as well as I would like.

[fairfarmhand]

Are you married to my husband?

 

 

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[Kanin]

I actually think people with high level degrees have more of these issues than the general population. Some of what makes someone creative, super productive, or highly detail oriented and benefits their academic and career pursuits isn't actually neurotypical function.

 

My husband and I are both a little cracked in different ways, and that's actually what has made us talented in our specific areas of skill. We're like superheroes, but sometimes wearing the Clark Kent glasses can be trying ;)

 

And when we are tired or stressed the coping abilities go way down and our idiosyncrasies get exaggerated. That's really normal and something to watch out for. Our tolerance for other people's issues also drops like a stone when we bonk and hit the mental/physical/emotional wall. Again, pretty normal, but something to be aware of :)

 

I was comforting myself last night by reading comments on an article about leaving academia. Many people think academia is a fantasy land, a cushy job - but in reality, the 12 hour days, seven days a week, the expectation to answer emails within an hour no matter the time of day or night - it's so draining! We're thinking seriously about an exit from academia. One person's comment said that she's so envious of her department secretary because she gets to go home at 5 and not think about work until the next day.

[Kanin]

All of this, but especially the first paragraph. DS18 is 2e. He'd make a fabulous college professor but  otherwise . . .I worry about how he'll do in the work force.

 

OP, I agree that black and white thinking doesn't really describe your DH's behavior. I'd say it's "perfectionism versus okay is good enough." Or OCD, like Mercy said.

 

:grouphug:

 

Yes, this. Perfectionism is probably the right description. In many ways, his perfectionism is amazing - he always knows where everything is (except for the rare things he doesn't... like last night... and then it's a crap-fest), he is well respected for being considerate to his students and always helping them, and he doesn't usually have a foot-in-mouth situation like I do, because he's quite careful with what he says and writes. On the other hand, it causes immense stress when something, anything, is the slightest bit out of whack. Over the years, I think I've developed my own odd way of thinking, because to compensate for his over-reactions, I now under-react to many things. Most things just don't phase me any more, even things that normal people would be bugged about, like a car repair or something. I can't tell if that's a good quality or not at this point. 

 

I wonder if a detox period between leaving academia and getting an "industry" job would be good. I could support us for a while if we lived frugally in a low-cost area.