Twins and the NMSQT, or... The twin thing can be so hard...

[yvonne]

Please don't quote.

 

 

 

Just heard that one of my boys made Nat'l Merit SF. The other missed the cut-off by one point. (This site is compiling info on state cut-offs.) 

 

I haven't told them anything, yet. The one that missed it is the more sensitive one and is going to be devastated, really devastated. He already feels "less than" and always in the shadow of his more outgoing, water-off-his-back brother. He keeps everything in, so he won't want to talk about it. He scored slightly higher than his brother on the actual SAT, but that won't help. If he'd been in probably 40 other states, he might have qualified, but that won't help.

 

I am so sad for him and the deep sadness he'll be feeling soon. I have no idea what to say to make things better. I'm an extreme introverted, thinking type, horribly deficient in the "feeling" dimension that most moms have and that all kids need from a mom. :(  My first impulse was not to mention it to either of them, but that isn't fair to the one who made it, though he'll be worried and sad for his brother, too.

 

If anyone has any suggestions for how to handle this, please post or PM me.

 

Thank you

Edited August 28, 2017 by yvonne

[Julie of KY]

No suggestions. Just hugs.

[Arcadia]

:grouphug: my kids are a year apart and has been through similar stuff. My SIL's identical twins has been through similar stuff and things worked out when they choose different majors in college.

[creekland]

:grouphug:  Sometimes a mama's job is really tough.  This is one of those time.  I wish you the best and wish I had suggestions, but other than telling them both that your love isn't dependent upon any award or other perceived "status" symbol in life and giving them some examples that fit, I have none.  :grouphug:

[OnMyOwn]

That is tough! I have a tendency to want to fix things or reframe them so that they don't seem so awful, but that isn't always helpful during the first wave of disappointment. At that time, what seems most helpful to my kids is for them to hear that I understand and empathize with their feelings. So, if one of mine said, "It's not fair!" I'd reflect back to them. "You are right! It's not fair and I'm ao sorry you are disappointed."

 

Later, once the initial sadness had passed, I would emphasize that they both tested exceptionally well and maybe point out the national percentile the twin is in who did not make nmsf because it is a pretty impressive percentile. Also, I'd say I was proud of them both because they are both clearly exceptional students. I'd also mention that a test is only a snapshot of a person's abilities on a given day, as is clearly exhibited by this twin getting the higher sat score.

 

((Hugs))

[...................]

((hugs)) THat is such a bummer!!! :(

[RootAnn]

:grouphug:  I think you have the 'feeling' part down as you pointed out that you are sad for the one. 

 

I don't have any advice, just condolences for you and your boys. Tough situation.

[Jilly]

This is a tough one. I have fraternal twins and one of them is an amazing test taker and one of them isn't. This caused a lot of heartache last year around our home. It was a tough time for both twins as one was a little angry that the other wasn't happy for them and the other was just so down about the whole thing. The best I can say is just allow both of them to express their feelings and give them time to work through it.

 

I also found that this issue was a good first step on the way to being more independent twins and to them figuring out their own individual futures for themselves. 

[Junie]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[frogger]

That is a tough one. Wish I had great advice but I really don't. Just wanted to sympathize.

[wapiti]

My twins have a different relationship (um, they don't usually get along except for rare family vacation moments), so my thoughts probably won't apply, but I'll throw in my two cents anyway.  I'd be pretty matter-of-fact about it; it's just part of life.  I don't see this as a huge deal at all - annoying, to the extent that actual money is at play with the colleges the student will be applying to, but relatively meaningless beyond that, and that is probably where I'd put my emphasis.  At this point, it's not as though he got rejected from a school his brother was admitted to.

 

My twin B tends to do much better on standardized tests than twin A.  He's presumably highly-gifted but has all manner of health and other issues such that no one would want to trade lives with him.  Twin A is more even across the board.  They will probably get the same grades in the two classes they take together at high school, but twin B is a year ahead of twin A in math.  Such is life.  They have a long way to go in the next 2-3 yrs, but at this point, it would not surprise me at all if they either didn't apply to any of the same schools (most likely situation) or if there were reach schools where one was admitted but the other rejected.

Edited August 29, 2017 by wapiti

[yvonne]

Thank you, everyone, for the hugs and for your thoughts on the situation.

 

I will go at it from a no big deal angle. And, in fact, it really isn't a big deal at all, if I look at it from an objective, overall scheme of things point of view. My first reaction, of course, is subjective and emotional.  I'm sure that will be theirs as well.

 

It did make me start thinking about the upcoming college application thing, though. My sons are identical, with very similar interests and backgrounds. The big passion for both of them is speech and debate. One did take Greek for four years in addition to the Latin both studied, but otherwise their academic records are very similar. It was always something that worked well for them...being able to talk about the work they were doing or work on math/science problems together. It makes for very similar college apps. The NMSQT thing is probably minor compared to how I/they'd feel if one got into a college but the other did not. I'm going to do everything I can to help them find colleges most suited to each of them individually. Maybe they'll each settle on a different list. 

Thank you, all, again!
 

[Alicia64]

I have twins -- and I would be in the exact same boat as you are. I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

 

Here's how I deal w/ this kind of disappointment: I use it as a teaching moment for my kid (for myself too).

 

I talk about resilience and "talking the talk is one thing, but feeling your strength when disappointment is pummeling you is another." I also might find stories of great people who endured terrible disappointments. (Which, btw, is every successful person.)

 

If your boy loves Iron Man -- look into Robert Downey Jr.'s timeline. He had a great career, ruined it ending up in prison -- and rebounded to be one of the most beloved and highest paid actors of our generation. People say that he brought the Marvel Superheroes genre onto the big screen singlehandedly.

 

Definitely watch the Steve Jobs commencement speech at Stanford. Incredibly good: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1R-jKKp3NA.

 

I wouldn't actually say, "This is your moment to shine!!" but I might think it -- because real disappointment and difficult times can transform a person's life for the better in a way we can't foresee.

 

Tongue-in-cheek I might add, "It's a shame about your brother. We'll wish him our best, won't we?"

 

I think that when parents show belief in their kids and a "we'll get through this. . . together" attitude, the child can then believe in himself at a deeper level.

 

Hang in there. I have one "rolls off the back" type and one super sensitive type too. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Alley