BarbecueMom Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 One of our extended family members died this week in a tragic accident. We can make the visitation, but not the funeral. It's logistically impossible. I'm trying to figure out a way to let people know, if they ask, that we won't be at the funeral without it sounding like, "Sorry, but this was at a terribly inconvenient time for us." Every way I try to phrase it in my head comes out painfully cringe-inducing. Just in case, "I'm sorry, we cannot make it," and dropping it isn't enough, what else can I say?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I think "I'm sorry, we cannot make it" is better than "It's inconvenient for us". If someone keeps asking why, you just keep repeating "We cannot make it" over and over. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leav97 Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 I wish I could be there and we will miss (Name) very much. Unfortunately, we can only attend the visitation. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Are you going to the visitation? If anybody asks "Are you going to the funeral?", just say "We're going to the visitation." If they press on the issue, you can change the subject or just cite inflexible schedules with long-term consequences. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 (edited) You could add, "It's so very hard when we can't be there for something that matters so much!" It invites people's sympathy rather than their judgment. Edited August 24, 2017 by bolt. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 How about the truth? Johnny has xyz and we can't make it. If that reason seems insufficient, then maybe reconsider if part of the family can make it, even if some people cannot. If there is something very private that makes it impossible, just say that. Even if one adult from a family can make it, it often looks more legit than the whole family missing. Personally, I don't attend funerals for people unless I was very close to them. Funerals are more devastating to me emotionally that the person passing. I am very empathetic and I feel the grief of every person in the room. Funerals are soul crushing to me and can take me a week to get over. Long after the funeral, what I remember is not the kind words people say, but the sobbing and heartbreak. I know that that funerals are for the living, to offer support and to show respect for the dead. I know it is not about me, but I know that when I die, I would never want someone to feel like I do to, attend my funeral. Due to that, I will pay my respects and grieve in my own way. My family knows this about me and accepts it. The may grumble behind my back but I am ok with that. I will attend for an immediate family member but not for people that I knew casually. ( I work in healthcare and have a very large extended family, so I am invited/expected to attend more funerals than the average person). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarbecueMom Posted August 24, 2017 Author Share Posted August 24, 2017 Are you going to the visitation? If anybody asks "Are you going to the funeral?", just say "We're going to the visitation." If they press on the issue, you can change the subject or just cite inflexible schedules with long-term consequences. Yes, we'll be at the visitation tomorrow. We have child care tomorrow. DH leaves right after for a work trip he cannot cancel. I have kids in different obligations in different towns at the same time, one of which is a tryout. I already have help enlisted to get kids A and C to one location, but I have to take kid B personally. Anyone else we could ask to help out will be at the funeral. It just seems so... crass to reference my sons' activities as an excuse for not being there when another mother is burying her son. I'd like to avoid having to mention it specifically. :-( 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LinRTX Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 As a mother who just buried her son, take care of your living children. You are going to be at the visitation. You care. I had some people just call. They could not be at the funeral. They had a family reunion in another state and could not make my son's funeral. Believe me I did not think less of them. Take care of your children. Linda 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 I doubt anyone will ask but "schedule conflict" is fine. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EMS83 Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 As a mother who just buried her son, take care of your living children. You are going to be at the visitation. You care. I had some people just call. They could not be at the funeral. They had a family reunion in another state and could not make my son's funeral. Believe me I did not think less of them. Take care of your children. Linda :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: BarbecueMom, :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: for you and your extended family. I'm sorry for both your losses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarbecueMom Posted August 24, 2017 Author Share Posted August 24, 2017 As a mother who just buried her son, take care of your living children. You are going to be at the visitation. You care. I had some people just call. They could not be at the funeral. They had a family reunion in another state and could not make my son's funeral. Believe me I did not think less of them. Take care of your children. Linda ((((Hugs)))). I thought of you and your son when I started this thread. I am so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 As a mother who just buried her son, take care of your living children. You are going to be at the visitation. You care. I had some people just call. They could not be at the funeral. They had a family reunion in another state and could not make my son's funeral. Believe me I did not think less of them. Take care of your children. Linda Linda, I'm so sorry. I remember you and your kids from when they were all much smaller. My mother's heart aches for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Yes, we'll be at the visitation tomorrow. We have child care tomorrow. DH leaves right after for a work trip he cannot cancel. I have kids in different obligations in different towns at the same time, one of which is a tryout. I already have help enlisted to get kids A and C to one location, but I have to take kid B personally. Anyone else we could ask to help out will be at the funeral. It just seems so... crass to reference my sons' activities as an excuse for not being there when another mother is burying her son. I'd like to avoid having to mention it specifically. :-( Just go to the visitation, then make an effort to call or visit again in a couple weeks when all of the moral support has de-camped. It'll most likely be very appreciated. And I forgot to add this earlier: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry for your family's loss. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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