Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 I have boys that are a year a part. Have any of you dealt with both of them liking the same girl? I am staying out of it, but I see a bit of trouble on the horizon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Does she like either of them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 Does she like either of them? She has shown interest in both of them! Two years ago she and my son were 14 and 15 and seriously crushing on each other. Her dad got terrified and asked my son (without my knowledge) to 'cool it'....He literally didn't look at her or speak to her for a year! Anyway, then my step son came to live with us and he obviously likes her a lot. She was very friendly in texts to him.....but we all (parents) made them stop because it was excessive.....but he clearly still really really has a crush on her. Now he is gone to his mom's for the rest of the summer and she and ds are very chatty. Again. A good friend of mine, with grown and married daughters told me a long time ago that these kids will swing back and forth for a long time before they settle on 'the one.' I definitely see that happening and I try to keep that in mind...I know it is normal, but throwing an extra teen into my house so close in age is making things complicated. They are so very very different I wouldn't think they would like the same girls or the same girl like them, but who knows. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Ouch. What do they think they should do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeenagerMom Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 So the girl and your DSS are texting again? Are she and your son texting or talking or has your son moved on because you mention current communication with one but not the other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 (edited) So the girl and your DSS are texting again? Are she and your son texting or talking or has your son moved on because you mention current communication with one but not the other. No dss and her are not texting. And he is gone to his mom's. Ds and her were very chatty last night when a group got together for ice cream. Then he got home and told come and ask me if he could go running with her and her younger sister tomorrow night. I don't know if they are texting much....but he is working full time this summer so he is pretty busy. Edited July 12, 2017 by Scarlett Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 Ouch. What do they think they should do? Oh they are not discussing it or acknowledging it. At all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Sounds like it might be necessary to warn both of them not to blame the other for a young girl's fickleness. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeenagerMom Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 No dss and her are not texting. And he is gone to his mom's. Ds and her were very chatty when a group got together for ice cream. Then he got home and told come and ask me if he could go running with her and her younger sister tomorrow night. I don't know if they are texting much....but he is working full time this summer so he is pretty busy. Oh, I read it wrong. Sorry. Yeah, you definitely have a sticky situation there. The adults involved made the DSS and girl STOP texting and now DS is talking to her. Honestly, I wouldn't allow DS to be involved with her either if you (as in all the adults involved) made DSS stop communicating with her because they were excessive and too serious. In our household that would appear that DS is moving in on the girl behind his stepsibling's back while he is out of the picture and could cause a lot of hurt and resentment. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 Oh, I read it wrong. Sorry. Yeah, you definitely have a sticky situation there. The adults involved made the DSS and girl STOP texting and now DS is talking to her. Honestly, I wouldn't allow DS to be involved with her either if you (as in all the adults involved) made DSS stop communicating with her because they were excessive and too serious. In our household that would appear that DS is moving in on the girl behind his stepsibling's back while he is out of the picture and could cause a lot of hurt and resentment. Except that she and ds really really liked each other a lot before dss came to live here. And ds is a year older. But yes I do predict some resentment. Somewhere. I told dh things might get tricky. He agrees. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeenagerMom Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Except that she and ds really really liked each other a lot before dss came to live here. And ds is a year older. But yes I do predict some resentment. Somewhere. I told dh things might get tricky. He agrees. Yeah but if they had cooled it for a year and DSS and she was a recent thing, that's where the issue lies. We had a similar situation in our family. A brother went to live with another parent for a year and other brother moved in on Brother 1's crush. It's been bad. Like extremely harmful to their relationship now. They can barely be in a room together for more than an hour and if the girl's name is brought up, it can be ugly. ESPECIALLY since your DSS did not stop talking to this girl of his own accord and your previous thread about it made it seem like it was serious between them, I think that could be very damaging to the relationships in your household. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 Yeah but if they had cooled it for a year and DSS and she was a recent thing, that's where the issue lies. We had a similar situation in our family. A brother went to live with another parent for a year and other brother moved in on Brother 1's crush. It's been bad. Like extremely harmful to their relationship now. They can barely be in a room together for more than an hour and if the girl's name is brought up, it can be ugly. ESPECIALLY since your DSS did not stop talking to this girl of his own accord and your previous thread about it made it seem like it was serious between them, I think that could be very damaging to the relationships in your household. Well, it was no more serious than it was between ds and her 2 years ago when they were also told to cool it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 I think her father should be telling her not to be a source of trouble between two brothers who are still living together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 I think her father should be telling her not to be a source of trouble between two brothers who are still living together. I very very much doubt she is trying to cause trouble. She is just being a 16 year old girl. She told a close friend of mine 2 years ago that my son was 'the one' and she was going to marry him. To add a wrinkle to this situation her family is going through a really rough time. Her dad is suffering from depression and it is hard on them all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 (edited) I would suggest ds and dss steer clear of her. It's not cool on her part. I would be upset with my dd and I would be telling her to leave both brothers alone. ETA: My dd is almost 16 and I don't agree that is typical behavior. Edited July 12, 2017 by Joker 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 I would suggest ds and dss steer clear of her. It's not cool on her part. I would be upset with my dd and I would be telling her to leave both brothers alone. What is it she has done so wrong? I mean they are all friends and they all talk.....I just 'see' the spark when it is there.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 You set this thread up as her being interested in both brothers and going back and forth on which one she is texting / hanging out with. Is that true or are you just assuming more than friendship is there? I'm confused why you're wondering what she's doing wrong. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 I very very much doubt she is trying to cause trouble. She is just being a 16 year old girl. She told a close friend of mine 2 years ago that my son was 'the one' and she was going to marry him. To add a wrinkle to this situation her family is going through a really rough time. Her dad is suffering from depression and it is hard on them all. I wasn't suggesting she was doing it deliberately, just that 16 year old girls who don't know better should be told. And neither of your boys should be playing daddy replacement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 I wasn't suggesting she was doing it deliberately, just that 16 year old girls who don't know better should be told. And neither of your boys should be playing daddy replacement. Oh no I am not suggesting they are responsible for her! At all. I am just thinking that her dad has checked out a bit of the parenting thing.....they are barely hanging on by a thread in some ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 You set this thread up as her being interested in both brothers and going back and forth on which one she is texting / hanging out with. Is that true or are you just assuming more than friendship is there? I'm confused why you're wondering what she's doing wrong. My gut feeling.....is that she likes my son a lot and my dss likes her a lot. And I think my ds does like her but he is MUCH more careful and cautious. But who knows. Maybe I am just seeing it through bio mom's eyes I don't know. I don't think she is 'going back and forth'. I think she is friendly with both of them and I think because her parents let her keep texting dss so long they both got caught up.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sneezyone Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 (edited) Both boys need to expand their horizons and find other prospects. Whether she's intending to cause conflict or not, that's where this is headed. It seems like you're saying she liked DS until DSS showed up and now that he's gone she's free to go back to DS who she wants to marry (which I would not take seriously at 14/15). I would be actively discouraging both boys from setting their cap for her. Edited July 12, 2017 by Sneezyone 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 (edited) Both boys need to expand their horizons and find other prospects. Whether she's intending to cause conflict or not, that's where this is headed. It seems like you're saying she liked DS until DSS showed up and now that he's gone she's free to go back to DS who she wants to marry (which I would not take seriously at 14/15). Ds17 seems to be friendly with a lot of girls. She isn't the only one. And no I don't think her and ds17 talking again has anything to do with dss being gone for the summer. I think it has to do with time passing, they are older etc. Very true about her comment to a family (adult) friend when she was 14. I know that girls have all sorts of thoughts at that age that don't work out etc. I was just giving a little back ground. As I've talked through this in this thread I think I am mostly worried about dss16 taking this really hard. I mean if ds17 and her end up as a couple. Which heck who knows....they are both young and lots of things can happen. I am trying not to worry about it. Just venting to you all helps. Edited July 12, 2017 by Scarlett Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 Both boys need to expand their horizons and find other prospects. Whether she's intending to cause conflict or not, that's where this is headed. It seems like you're saying she liked DS until DSS showed up and now that he's gone she's free to go back to DS who she wants to marry (which I would not take seriously at 14/15). I would be actively discouraging both boys from setting their cap for her. I don't know that term. :) But we already defintely are discouraging pairing up this young. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Callie Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Ds17 seems to be friendly with a lot of girls. She isn't the only one. And no I don't think her and ds17 talking again has anything to do with dss being gone for the summer. I think it has to do with time passing, they are older etc. Very true about her comment to a family (adult) friend when she was 14. I know that girls have all sorts of thoughts at that age that don't work out etc. I was just giving a little back ground. As I've talked through this in this thread I think I am mostly worried about dss17 taking this really hard. I mean if ds17 and her end up as a couple. Which heck who knows....they are both young and lots of things can happen. I am trying not to worry about it. Just venting to you all helps. So dss was made to stop texting with her, but you are wondering about her and your son being a couple. Your bias toward your son in this thread is huge. HUGE. Lots of trouble brewing and I can't believe you are pretending to be so naive about it. FWIW I have four daughters and each 'set' are approx. 18 months apart. I would have put a stop to any of them doing this. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 (edited) I think my big worry is that if she started dating ds then it might set dss back on his weight-loss/get healthy goals. Then he'll always have some type of resentment toward ds. Crushes come and go but at least for now they have to live together. If my DD were to start dating a guy that DSD liked (NEVER happen but....) it would be all out war and DSD would likely either run off back to her mom or do something drastic to secure the boys interest (which is what she did back in March when she decided she liked her bff's boyfriend :glare:). So, while I'd hate to get involved I'd have to put my foot down and tell my kid that it wasn't right, plus with all her family stuff going on she needs friends (ds and dss both)not boys who have crushes on her. Also, just to speak plainly,if ds wants to "date/go out" with girl then he needs to make sure it's cool with dss first. I don't want to sound all caveman but ds going after the girl now is just wrong when dss didn't voluntarily choose to stop texting. And before I get flamed of course what the girl wants is very important but if the boys want to preserve their relationship then there's a certain way to go about this kind of thing..... As a step parent it can be hard to NOT choose your child over your step child but you have to really think long and hard about what is fair and what you're teaching your child if you don't do the right thing. Edited July 12, 2017 by foxbridgeacademy 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 So dss was made to stop texting with her, but you are wondering about her and your son being a couple. Your bias toward your son in this thread is huge. HUGE. Lots of trouble brewing and I can't believe you are pretending to be so naive about it. FWIW I have four daughters and each 'set' are approx. 18 months apart. I would have put a stop to any of them doing this. :iagree: Kids one year in age apart are basically Irish twins. While they're under your roof, I would not give one privileges the other doesn't have the only exception being legal privileges or disciplinary actions. If you shut down communications for DSS it seems nuts to allow DS to have unfettered access to a girl DSS may have a crush on. And honestly it seems like the girl is playing games and is not really serious enough for a relationship anyway. Maybe she is just looking for distraction and emotional support if life is rough at her house right now. I would not be ok with letting a girl that comes off as immature come between 2 brothers. There are plenty of girls out there. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Yeah, you really can't treat the boys differently in this. One year isn't going to make a difference to their ability to be romantic. If you want them to be on a friends only footing, you should make a point of saying it to both of them. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 So dss was made to stop texting with her, but you are wondering about her and your son being a couple. Your bias toward your son in this thread is huge. HUGE. Lots of trouble brewing and I can't believe you are pretending to be so naive about it. FWIW I have four daughters and each 'set' are approx. 18 months apart. I would have put a stop to any of them doing this. I am not suggesting ds and her might be a couple right now. I was thinking of the future . And I guess that is a mistake because who knows what will happen with these kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 I think my big worry is that if she started dating ds then it might set dss back on his weight-loss/get healthy goals. Then he'll always have some type of resentment toward ds. Crushes come and go but at least for now they have to live together. If my DD were to start dating a guy that DSD liked (NEVER happen but....) it would be all out war and DSD would likely either run off back to her mom or do something drastic to secure the boys interest (which is what she did back in March when she decided she liked her bff's boyfriend :glare:). So, while I'd hate to get involved I'd have to put my foot down and tell my kid that it wasn't right, plus with all her family stuff going on she needs friends (ds and dss both)not boys who have crushes on her. Also, just to speak plainly,if ds wants to "date/go out" with girl then he needs to make sure it's cool with dss first. I don't want to sound all caveman but ds going after the girl now is just wrong when dss didn't voluntarily choose to stop texting. And before I get flamed of course what the girl wants is very important but if the boys want to preserve their relationship then there's a certain way to go about this kind of thing..... As a step parent it can be hard to NOT choose your child over your step child but you have to really think long and hard about what is fair and what you're teaching your child if you don't do the right thing. Well. I don't know. She and ds liked each other first. And no one thought dss should get ds's permission before he decided he liked her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 :iagree: Kids one year in age apart are basically Irish twins. While they're under your roof, I would not give one privileges the other doesn't have the only exception being legal privileges or disciplinary actions. If you shut down communications for DSS it seems nuts to allow DS to have unfettered access to a girl DSS may have a crush on. And honestly it seems like the girl is playing games and is not really serious enough for a relationship anyway. Maybe she is just looking for distraction and emotional support if life is rough at her house right now. I would not be ok with letting a girl that comes off as immature come between 2 brothers. There are plenty of girls out there. Oh I agree all of them are too young for a relationship. And if she and ds start 24/7 texting it will be shut down, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 Yeah, you really can't treat the boys differently in this. One year isn't going to make a difference to their ability to be romantic. If you want them to be on a friends only footing, you should make a point of saying it to both of them. Friends only is for sure what we preach. No dating. No excessive private communication . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 So dss was made to stop texting with her, but you are wondering about her and your son being a couple. Your bias toward your son in this thread is huge. HUGE. Lots of trouble brewing and I can't believe you are pretending to be so naive about it. FWIW I have four daughters and each 'set' are approx. 18 months apart. I would have put a stop to any of them doing this. You would have stopped what? Your daughters from having a crush on someone their sister also has a crush on? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sneezyone Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 (edited) You would have stopped what? Your daughters from having a crush on someone their sister also has a crush on? Not Callie but...YES! There are fifty bajillion boys out there. If they couldn't settle it amicably between them, they'd both be encouraged to move on. The sibling relationship is far more important than a teen crush. Edited July 12, 2017 by Sneezyone 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Well. I don't know. She and ds liked each other first. And no one thought dss should get ds's permission before he decided he liked her. That was 2 years ago and he chose to honor the father's request. But yeah, dss probably should have made sure ds was cool with him texting. You all made dss and the girl stop texting, so not their choice and who knows what would have come of the relationship. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Callie Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 You would have stopped what? Your daughters from having a crush on someone their sister also has a crush on? No. I can't stop someone from having a crush, but I could stop one of my dd's pitting two brothers against each other. And maybe she is too young to realize it, but as an adult I would have clearly been able to see the trouble she could have been starting in a family. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Callie Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 So baffled you are pretending not to see this as a potential problem. But I guess it is ok because now it is your son she likes again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Also what happens when theses kids all turn 18 (which is soon right)? Do you expect them to continue to behave the way you've ordered? I'm actually curious. Do you think they won't start dating/texting? I was very restricted as a teen and went absolutely crazy when I got out from under my parents.... and I was a good kid prior to that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 I think you should ask ds to proceed no further than interacting when a group meets up for bowling or whatever, until dss returns and the two of them talk about the situation. Are you sure dad is not texting while at his mother's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 No. I can't stop someone from having a crush, but I could stop one of my dd's pitting two brothers against each other. And maybe she is too young to realize it, but as an adult I would have clearly been able to see the trouble she could have been starting in a family. Oh I misunderstood you.....I thought you meant if you had two daughters crushing on the same boy....yes I would caution my boys not to come between two sisters....but I am not that girl's parent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 So baffled you are pretending not to see this as a potential problem. But I guess it is ok because now it is your son she likes again. did you read my first post in this thread? I said I see trouble on the horizon. I don't know why you insist I am somehow favoring my bio son in a situation where I've basically done nothing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 Also what happens when theses kids all turn 18 (which is soon right)? Do you expect them to continue to behave the way you've ordered? I'm actually curious. Do you think they won't start dating/texting? I was very restricted as a teen and went absolutely crazy when I got out from under my parents.... and I was a good kid prior to that. Your terminology is a little biased. They aren't ordered. And we don't think they are very restricted. But to answer your basic question of course they will do as they please when they leave our house. Not all kids go crazy when they do. Some kids continue on with the guidelines their parents helped them set before leaving home. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 I think you should ask ds to proceed no further than interacting when a group meets up for bowling or whatever, until dss returns and the two of them talk about the situation. Are you sure dad is not texting while at his mother's. No I can't be positive. But I don't think so. If they are they are both going against what their parents asked of them. Ds17 isn't actually 'doing' anything. Maybe I wasn't clear in that. It isn't like he is dating her or texting her excessively....I just noticed them talking more than usual. So I am sure not going to say 'hey ds17 stop talking to the girl until dss gets home and you discuss it with him.' That seems insane to me. I don't think dss gets to dictate the relationship between ds17 and anyone anymore than ds17 would between dss16 and anyone. I mean, when dss16 started texting her night and day it never crossed my mind that he should get permission from ds first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Also what happens when theses kids all turn 18 (which is soon right)? Do you expect them to continue to behave the way you've ordered? I'm actually curious. Do you think they won't start dating/texting? I was very restricted as a teen and went absolutely crazy when I got out from under my parents.... and I was a good kid prior to that. Some kids do, and others don't. My parents were strict with me as a teen and while I did choose to attend college 3,000 miles away from them, I didn't go wild & crazy in college. I did drink too much alcohol but that was the norm at my college (as it is at pretty much every college that isn't dry for religious reasons). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 Some kids do, and others don't. My parents were strict with me as a teen and while I did choose to attend college 3,000 miles away from them, I didn't go wild & crazy in college. I did drink too much alcohol but that was the norm at my college (as it is at pretty much every college that isn't dry for religious reasons). I didn't go crazy either. At some point people have to be responsible for their own choices. We are doing the best we can by both of them. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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