Graduation-Divorced Godparents

[Jean in Newcastle]

I am not demanding that he be not invited, just thought out of courtesy that my brother would have run it by me first. I know that is what I would have done.

 

I will say this when i was in Florida with one of my nieces I had asked her if she has heard from my ex and her response was he is getting better at it.

 

I know when I wrote that e-mail I was upset. My parents thinks its awful that they didn't let me know before hand, but then again they are old school

 

Yes we have been divorced for 17 years have no children..I never re-married or had any kids of my own.

And yet you came to a homeschooling forum to complain about your family? This seems like an odd choice especially for a first post/thread.

[winterbaby]

OK though guys, if you're gonna take it on, don't let your analysis be prejudiced by the context of the poster being, um, new. As stated, the situation is that her brother and maybe other members of her own family are preferring her ex to herself to the point he's in the loop on their events and doings before she is. Nobody would be happy about that, even aside from the Florida vacations she's generously taken their kids on.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

And yet you came to a homeschooling forum to complain about your family? This seems like an odd choice especially for a first post/thread.

 

Maybe we've hit the big time on Google. If you search "complaints about X" or "family wedding dilemma" maybe you get the WTM forums, and assume the chat board is kind of a free for all?

[blonde9128]

This is my first time here...I didn't know this is about homeschooling forum ???  I saw other posts other then homeschooling.

Sorry

 

[PeachyDoodle]

Haven't read all the replies, but I'm responding as the "niece" in your situation.

 

A favorite aunt and uncle of mine divorced when I was a young tween. It was a fairly nasty split and although we were kept sheltered from most of it, I know that my parents were put in the middle of the proceedings because my father and my uncle were (are) close friends, while my aunt was (is) my mother's sister. It got a little hairy.

 

Ten years later I invited both Aunt and Uncle (along with their respective significant others) to my wedding. I sincerely wanted both of them there. Aunt was angry and called my parents to demand that we uninvite Uncle, as we were *her* family, but I refused because I loved him and wanted him there. I wanted her there too. I didn't expect them to interact with each other at all, just manage to be in the same room as each other and 200 other people for a couple of hours.

 

Aunt had agreed to help direct the ceremony, as I didn't have a wedding planner. The day of the rehearsal, she called to say that she was stuck out of town and her flight had been delayed, so another aunt filled in at the rehearsal and was supposed to give Aunt the rundown the following morning. To make a long story short, Aunt refused to show up because Uncle was coming. My mother and other aunts pitched in to handle all the necessary tasks, and everything went off without a hitch, but I've got to be honest and say that I felt like she was making my special day all about her and her decade-old grudge. It's not like I refuse to speak to her or anything, but I still think about it. It was petty and silly and I think less of her for it.

[Crimson Wife]

I am not demanding that he be not invited, just thought out of courtesy that my brother would have run it by me first. I know that is what I would have done.

 

Your brother should have INFORMED you, but that is different than "running it by you". You are being unreasonable in thinking you get veto power over whether or not your ex receives an invitation.

 

My brother has an ex-GF whom I am still friends with and I would absolutely invite to an event if she lived close enough. My brother was 100% in the wrong for ending their relationship though of course it's his life and he is entitled to live it as he pleases. I would give my brother a "heads-up" as a courtesy if I were to invite the ex-GF, but would not make the invitation up for discussion.

[Scarlett]

Haven't read all the replies, but I'm responding as the "niece" in your situation.

 

A favorite aunt and uncle of mine divorced when I was a young tween. It was a fairly nasty split and although we were kept sheltered from most of it, I know that my parents were put in the middle of the proceedings because my father and my uncle were (are) close friends, while my aunt was (is) my mother's sister. It got a little hairy.

 

Ten years later I invited both Aunt and Uncle (along with their respective significant others) to my wedding. I sincerely wanted both of them there. Aunt was angry and called my parents to demand that we uninvite Uncle, as we were *her* family, but I refused because I loved him and wanted him there. I wanted her there too. I didn't expect them to interact with each other at all, just manage to be in the same room as each other and 200 other people for a couple of hours.

 

Aunt had agreed to help direct the ceremony, as I didn't have a wedding planner. The day of the rehearsal, she called to say that she was stuck out of town and her flight had been delayed, so another aunt filled in at the rehearsal and was supposed to give Aunt the rundown the following morning. To make a long story short, Aunt refused to show up because Uncle was coming. My mother and other aunts pitched in to handle all the necessary tasks, and everything went off without a hitch, but I've got to be honest and say that I felt like she was making my special day all about her and her decade-old grudge. It's not like I refuse to speak to her or anything, but I still think about it. It was petty and silly and I think less of her for it.

I hope you are never in her shoes and have to deal with such a situation.

[AimeeM]

It sounds like your ex was a part of these girls' lives. 

Just because you divorced him, doesn't mean that the rest of your family can--or should--be forced to give up their relationships with him (absent abuse, I would caveat).

 

My parents divorced when I was 12. My grandfather (mom's father) still spent as much time as he could with my father and they remained close -- including inviting him to family functions. 

[AimeeM]

I would like to think I am close to my nieces..We try to get together every couple of months and they always ask if they can join in on my vacations to Florida and of course I say yes.

 

I wrote an e-mail to my brother and told him how I felt. and I also said in closing that I will NOT be attending both the graduations.  I just feel they asked him first and obviously they wanted him to go first off.

and plus my parents are going to be there they are going to feel uncomfortable they are not driving to the first graduation but will be at the second and party.

 

I am not trying to make it about me, however I feel they should have asked how I felt about the situation before they asked him..I am is sister and blood relative he is not.

Family relationships, how they function, and how they keep, isn't (and shouldn't be) always about blood.

[AimeeM]

Honestly, with the rude description you make of your nieces, perhaps you should give your regrets:

 

My answer to that is :

 

I am not being rude about the description of my nieces, I don't know how many times that people have come up to me and said what's up with your nieces they don't talk or and don't carry on conversations..Just one word answers and just chuckle. Even my sister-inlaw's sister and her husband have mentioned that it's not normal.  I don't know if mommy keeps them so sheltered and they are afraid to talk. I just don't get it. It's like pulling teeth to get a conversation started.. My answer was to someone asked if they were close to my EX...I highly doubt it based on what I just mentioned.

Seriously, if you described my children like this (or thought so obviously little of them), you wouldn't be invited to jack -- regardless of your blood relationship to them.

[Zinnia]

My parents have been divorced for 23 years, and it's still hard and awkward. I get it. Not saying which is the right choice to make, just that I can understand the hurt feelings.

 

My brother has been pushing the issue for the last couple of years, inviting both my mom and dad to things.

 

So, I do understand. And I am sorry that you have to deal with this right now.

[bettyandbob]

I hope you are never in her shoes and have to deal with such a situation.

No one wants to be in that situation. However, if the aunt wasn't going to go to the wedding she should have been up front and not said she would help direct the event. From the get go she should have told her niece that attending the wedding with X was going to be difficult and niece needed to find someone else to fill the job because having to be at the event with X would be distracting for to do the job. That way someone would have been found ahead of time and the aunt not showing wouldn't have affected the coordination of the wedding day.

 

It is possible skip out under stress without affecting​ others. It means you have to admit to yourself that you haven't "moved on" the way others have and plan how to give yourself an appropriate out.

 

I recognize I don't handle certain stressors well and plan around them. I don't say I will take on extra tasks and flake at the last second.

[QueenCat]

This is my first time here...I didn't know this is about homeschooling forum ???  I saw other posts other then homeschooling.

Sorry

 

The commonalty of our members is that we either homeschool, have homeschooled, are thinking about homeschooling or have a general interest in heavily supplementing our children's brick & mortar experiences. The main Well Trained Mind page explains a bit about the WTM approach, which is what leads most people to checking out the community.

[PeachyDoodle]

I hope you are never in her shoes and have to deal with such a situation.

 

So do I.

 

The reality is that, while I appreciate the difficulty of her situation, her problems with her ex are not MY problems. He is still the same uncle who played with me as a kid, took me to movies and out to dinner, bought me an expensive coat that I couldn't afford my freshman year of college because he was "so proud" of the accomplishments I'd made. Just as she is still the same aunt I've always known and loved.

 

I didn't expect them to kiss and make up, or even speak to each other. I did hope they could manage to be in the same room for a couple of hours, ignoring each other, as they've done before and will do again, as they have children and now grandchildren together. If that was impossible, it was acceptable for her to graciously decline (although I would have been hurt). It was not acceptable for her to try to dictate the terms of MY wedding.

[Scarlett]

So do I.

 

The reality is that, while I appreciate the difficulty of her situation, her problems with her ex are not MY problems. He is still the same uncle who played with me as a kid, took me to movies and out to dinner, bought me an expensive coat that I couldn't afford my freshman year of college because he was "so proud" of the accomplishments I'd made. Just as she is still the same aunt I've always known and loved.

 

I didn't expect them to kiss and make up, or even speak to each other. I did hope they could manage to be in the same room for a couple of hours, ignoring each other, as they've done before and will do again, as they have children and now grandchildren together. If that was impossible, it was acceptable for her to graciously decline (although I would have been hurt). It was not acceptable for her to try to dictate the terms of MY wedding.

I agree with you.

 

I can't imagine my niece inviting xh to her wedding. But I guess we all have different situations.

 

I am 8 years from my divorce and I can be in the same room with xh. We even sat next to each other for our sons NTHS induction last month. I do try my best to make ds feel comfortable.

[PeachyDoodle]

I agree with you.

 

I can't imagine my niece inviting xh to her wedding. But I guess we all have different situations.

 

I am 8 years from my divorce and I can be in the same room with xh. We even sat next to each other for our sons NTHS induction last month. I do try my best to make ds feel comfortable.

 

That's laudable, and I'm sure very difficult. I can't even imagine.

 

[StephanieZ]

I think that we make choices of who to marry, and by doing that, we ask/require our family to accept the new person as family. 

 

Then, we and the person we chose to marry make choices to stay together or not. It's not fair to expect others to dump their "family" (who WE brought into the family) if we split. As far as I'm concerned, the "ex" remains family as much as the blood relative. 

 

Now, like most families, we've had some ex-ing in our family, and I certainly have rejected some of the exes. These are exes who I knew were cheating, gas-lighting, taking terrible advantage, and IMHO abusive emotionally/psychologically if not physically. I want nothing to do with them. But, there're other spouses who I respect and care for as much as the blood relative, and unless something bizarre or evil happened with them, then if they did divorce, I wouldn't side with the blood relative by side-lining the spouse. 

 

There was one "ex" who was dh's aunt (by marriage). Her husband (dh's uncle by blood) cheated and then left her for a much younger woman after 25-35 years of marriage. . .  The cheater's siblings (many) continued to treat the "ex" as close family for many years, up through her death this year. They had a mass, came in from distant parts, called all the extended relatives . . . They were ALSO close to the blood family member (after a couple years of freezing him and his hussy out . . . ). Anyway, I think that was likely the right way to handle that situation . . .

 

So, if the ex is abusive, violent, or otherwise clearly an awful, evil person, then of course our friends and relatives should stand by us and reject the awful person. I'd expect this whether they were blood family or by marriage. 

 

So, at the end of the day, unless Dan was abusive/evil and your family knows this, then, sorry, you get to be the one who is uncomfortable and awkward. Sucks, but it is what it is. 

 

Additionally, this event is about your nieces and their parents. It's their special event, and you should do nothing to mar it or cause stress or disharmony. If you don't want to ride with Dan, that's totally fine. Just mention to your brother that you decided it'd be more comfortable to drive yourself, whatever. He should understand that and accept it graciously. 

 

 

[myfunnybunch]

So don't ride with your brother and ex.

I would also feel a little hurt by being invited second to my ex, but you have no control over their choice. You can choose whether or not to accept.

 

I hope you have fun at the graduation. :) It's your nieces' day. Enjoy them for their sweet quiet awkward selves. Probably they appreciate the effort you make to keep conversation going and to engage them.

[Word Nerd]

The commonalty of our members is that we either homeschool, have homeschooled, are thinking about homeschooling or have a general interest in heavily supplementing our children's brick & mortar experiences. The main Well Trained Mind page explains a bit about the WTM approach, which is what leads most people to checking out the community.

This is still a public board, and none of those commonalities is an actual requirement--no matter how many posters try to insist that only homeschoolers may post here.

[Jean in Newcastle]

This is still a public board, and none of those commonalities is an actual requirement--no matter how many posters try to insist that only homeschoolers may post here.

No, but there is a greater likelihood that brand new posters who have nothing at all to do with educating children and who immediately post what could be controversial threads on family drama that they are contributing to are trolls.

[QueenCat]

This is still a public board, and none of those commonalities is an actual requirement--no matter how many posters try to insist that only homeschoolers may post here.

 

I didn't say it was.......... I was responding to the OP's response that she didn't realize this was a homeschooling board. Simply explaining the basis for it without going into detail about WTM.