Can't decide if I am being petty and immature, or justified feeling how I do....

[wintermom]

But I suppose I do "blame her" for making it more inconvenient on me than necessary, since I did specifically ask her to choose between flight options, booked what she told me to book, and now she is telling me she will actually pick me up and drop me off at basically the exact times that would have allowed me the more convenient flights. Who, exactly, am I supposed to blame that on, if not the person who was calling the shots?

 

And rightly so, and her massively detailed "explanations" of why it doesn't work conveniently for her anymore (without apologies) just seems to shout out that she knows she's in the wrong, but unwilling to be kind or generous or flexible. Perhaps she's really stressed about something else that you unfortunately got in the middle of with bad timing.

 

You've definitely done nothing wrong. It's up to you to decide whether you go or not. I certainly wouldn't sit and wait for hours in an airport, or pay for taxis.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

:grouphug:  I'm truly sorry you are going through this. Long distance, intermittent friendships are some of the most difficult to maintain. Even with communication via email and texting, those friendships are not the same as ones with regular face-to-face interaction. Whatever you decided to do, I hope you have peace and can enjoy the conference, either the far one or the one near your home.

[marbel]

<snip>

 

But I suppose I do "blame her" for making it more inconvenient on me than necessary, since I did specifically ask her to choose between flight options, booked what she told me to book, and now she is telling me she will actually pick me up and drop me off at basically the exact times that would have allowed me the more convenient flights. Who, exactly, am I supposed to blame that on, if not the person who was calling the shots?

 

This is what would frustrate me.   

 

It does sound like your relationship is changing.   In my ideal life, I would be direct in asking what was going on - why she refused your original plan till after you made your reservations to her specifications, and then, essentially, insisted upon your original plan.  I would express concern that maybe the visit wasn't going to be very convenient for her and maybe you should come another time. Then, depending on how the conversation went, go on to ask if she still valued your friendship or if she was moving. on.

 

All very difficult for most people, myself included.  So, in my real life, I would stew and stress about it, then cancel, using my husband's trip as an excuse.  And then I think I would wait to see if she talked about coming to the event when it is near you.  

 

:grouphug:

[FaithManor]

To me it sounds like she is moving out of a close, personal relationship and since this event is in her field of work, potentially seeing it as more job related and less social which is going to affect her perspective of the trip.

 

An hour cab ride is expensive and if you encounter a traffic jam could run a lot longer than that.In Chicago, a 20 mile ride from say Adler Planetarium to O'Hare International during traffic runs $80.00

 

Given that money is tight for you and she may have business reasons to be rethinking the current arrangement but not comfortable disclosing them, I would ise hubby's trip as an excuse not to attend.

 

Then I would try to keep up a friendly back and forth to see if she open to getting together some time not centered around the event.

[J-rap]

If she were a dear friend and this is really out of the blue, then I'd probably suggest what someone else said, which is to first talk to her, explaining that you had hoped to make this trip as convenient as possible, but now it seems to be becoming not only inconvenient but stressful, and therefore you believe it is best to cancel.  I wouldn't ask her, "Do you think I should cancel?"  But just say that you believe it's best that you cancel.  You can always add that perhaps another year it will work out more easily.

 

If she really wants to make it work, I assume she'll get back to you right away to try and get you to change your mind.  If she agrees that it just isn't convenient this year (who knows why), you don't even have to worry about her getting back to you because you've already informed her that you will be canceling.

 

But, it sounds like the friendship has been changing already.  Do you perceive changes in your lives or views?  There could be so many reasons, many of them having nothing to do with you at all.  I wouldn't worry about it too much though.  Maybe it's just time to move on.

 

 

[SKL]

Her friend picked out her own flights and determined when the OP picked her up. I am guessing they were fairly convenient times since she did all the shot calling.

 

 

But if OP had been unable to make it to the airport at a certain time, I'm sure her friend would have adjusted in some way or other.

 

If I understand correctly, the friend is on someone else's payroll and thus has to put the job's requirements first.  It is possible she has less flexibility in terms of getting to a far-away airport.

 

I really don't see what is the big deal about asking OP to get other transportation to / from the airport.

[SKL]

But I suppose I do "blame her" for making it more inconvenient on me than necessary, since I did specifically ask her to choose between flight options, booked what she told me to book, and now she is telling me she will actually pick me up and drop me off at basically the exact times that would have allowed me the more convenient flights. Who, exactly, am I supposed to blame that on, if not the person who was calling the shots?

 

Unless you think she set you up for this on purpose, I don't see the need to "blame" anyone.  I see the need to adjust to the circumstances, whether that means changing your flight back to what it would have been before, or getting your own transportation, or canceling the trip if it doesn't work under the new reality.

 

[TheReader]

But if OP had been unable to make it to the airport at a certain time, I'm sure her friend would have adjusted in some way or other.

 

If I understand correctly, the friend is on someone else's payroll and thus has to put the job's requirements first.  It is possible she has less flexibility in terms of getting to a far-away airport.

 

I really don't see what is the big deal about asking OP to get other transportation to / from the airport.

 

She is self-employed in a craft industry and has absolute flexibility on when/how to get to/from the airport.

[TheReader]

Unless you think she set you up for this on purpose, I don't see the need to "blame" anyone.  I see the need to adjust to the circumstances, whether that means changing your flight back to what it would have been before, or getting your own transportation, or canceling the trip if it doesn't work under the new reality.

 

 

Blame was your word, not mine. I don't feel that being annoyed by her actions is equivalent to blaming her for the inconvenience (thus why I put that in quotes). But yes, adjusting circumstances was the point of the post -- to try and determine whether it was ridiculous to consider cancelling, or if I should just take a taxi/uber/public transportation, or change my flights, or some other combination of those. 

 

As it is, if I go, I can't change the morning flight (not enough time), but won't mind waiting that amount of time. An hour isn't much on the arrival side, gives you time to deplane, get luggage, go to the bathroom, get some breakfast & coffee, etc. Not a huge deal. Far better than spending the $$$ to taxi across a large metro area, or the added hassle of figuring out mass transit  in an unknown city (I did check that first, honestly; I'd have to take a train from airport one to downtown, switch to a different train to get to airport two, then find the shuttle from airport two to the hotel/convention center, which will take approx. 2.5 to 3 hours according to the website). 

 

For the return flight, if I go, I could change my outgoing flight to the earlier one, at a slight extra cost. If I go through with the trip, I'll do that most likely (but then will have to absolutely make sure she sticks to departing when she's said and doesn't change her mind again later on; I'm nervous to make the change, because when I asked about that time, she said it was too early.....I'd be worried up until departure that she might decide to stay later that day). 

 

But, yes, as others have said & noticed throughout the thread....things seem to have been changing for a little while now. I came home in the fall, after she was here for the event in my city, feeling very disappointed; that was the first time it was very obvious she was here more for the event than to see me (as the previous 4 visits had been). I enjoyed the weekend and the event....but felt as though I'd been robbed of any actual quality time with my friend. My fear, and I guess what really prompted this whole post, is that her reaction and attitude towards picking me up (changing plans, changing times, etc) seems to indicate the same thing.

 

It's one thing for me to come home disappointed from a weekend in my own city, having only spent a little on hotel & food; it's quite another thing to spend more than double that and still come home disappointed with the visit, ya know? Reading her email, seeing how she's viewing this trip/visit, I'm realizing that maybe I really don't want to spend that amount of money just to go and be disappointed. Or, I'm realizing that I likely will come away disappointed, based on the tone of her email (not the words of it, the request....the tone, the attitude, the "this is what works for me, adjust" declaration). 

 

Sadly, I think that even if I do arrange my own transportation to/from the airport, I'll still end up disappointed as it will still (likely, seemingly) feel very much as though she's there for the event, and I'm there only for maybe company, maybe to keep room cost down, maybe as an afterthought....I don't know, but definitely not as a priority. And that shift in our relationship very much makes me sad. 

[stephanier.1765]

No matter what you do, your relationship will never be the same again. Even if you make her happy at every turn, your heart will become more bitter each time. That's not selfish, that's normal. You didn't ruin this friendship, she did.

 

You could tough out this occasion. You might even enjoy yourself. But you will never forget what happened and slowly and surely things will sour.

BTDT, it's not worth it.

[SKL]

Blame was your word, not mine. I don't feel that being annoyed by her actions is equivalent to blaming her for the inconvenience (thus why I put that in quotes). But yes, adjusting circumstances was the point of the post -- to try and determine whether it was ridiculous to consider cancelling, or if I should just take a taxi/uber/public transportation, or change my flights, or some other combination of those. 

 

...

 

But, yes, as others have said & noticed throughout the thread....things seem to have been changing for a little while now. I came home in the fall, after she was here for the event in my city, feeling very disappointed; that was the first time it was very obvious she was here more for the event than to see me (as the previous 4 visits had been). I enjoyed the weekend and the event....but felt as though I'd been robbed of any actual quality time with my friend. My fear, and I guess what really prompted this whole post, is that her reaction and attitude towards picking me up (changing plans, changing times, etc) seems to indicate the same thing.

 

It's one thing for me to come home disappointed from a weekend in my own city, having only spent a little on hotel & food; it's quite another thing to spend more than double that and still come home disappointed with the visit, ya know? Reading her email, seeing how she's viewing this trip/visit, I'm realizing that maybe I really don't want to spend that amount of money just to go and be disappointed. Or, I'm realizing that I likely will come away disappointed, based on the tone of her email (not the words of it, the request....the tone, the attitude, the "this is what works for me, adjust" declaration). 

 

Sadly, I think that even if I do arrange my own transportation to/from the airport, I'll still end up disappointed as it will still (likely, seemingly) feel very much as though she's there for the event, and I'm there only for maybe company, maybe to keep room cost down, maybe as an afterthought....I don't know, but definitely not as a priority. And that shift in our relationship very much makes me sad. 

 

Well actually, "blame" was your word and you said it twice, including "who should I blame it on" as if there has to be someone to blame.  You seem angry and not open to viewing this as anything other than an intentional slight.

 

So you have been having funny feelings about this friend for a while.  In that case, I would not invest in this trip.  I would look for a way to politely call it off and hope for better interactions on her next trip to your city.

[Tiberia]

Since it appears that the friendship is starting to die a natural death (people often do move on esp. when the relationship is long-distance), I would cancel due to your husband's trip.  I would go to the event in your own city.  And I would pay more attention to the signs in the friendship.  If it was a friendship that still appeared to be going somewhere, then I would be honest with her about your valid feelings and would talk it out.  If the friendship is indeed changing to an acquaintance level then I wouldn't bother. 

 

I would do what Jean suggests. Maybe your friend truly is stressed out over the driving and is struggling with how to set boundaries on her time and energy. Maybe she doesn't know how to express boundaries and decisions with grace yet.

 

I wouldn't cancel the friendship, just the trip. Then wait and look for the signs on her next trip to you.