Helping siblings deal with growing independence of older sib

[Janie Grace]

17yo dd is a senior and we have intentionally granted her a lot of independence. She drives, has a job, has a boyfriend, has an active social life, volunteers, etc. She still asks for permission to do things and she still has a curfew, but she calls a lot of her own shots in terms of her schedule and activities. We are not offended when she chooses to work or study or be with friends over family time. We see parenting as the slow opening of a circle of authority, and by the time a kid is ready to leave home (as she will in about six months), it is appropriate that they are able to handle a lot of life by themselves. Plus we know that part of adolescence is gravitating more towards peers. 

 

The thing is, her younger siblings do NOT get this and are constantly making snarky comments about her being gone, about her liking her boyfriend more than them, etc. I know this comes from hurt feelings and it makes me sad. As a adult, it stings a little sometimes to watch her spread her wings but I can see it in the perspective of human development and how it's GOOD. For younger sibs, it just feels like rejection, I think.

 

Has anyone BTDT with this? I have never heard anyone else talk about it. Any tips for easing this transition for the younger sibs? (And yes, I do talk to dd about making time for them, and she does. She takes them out one-on-one and just tonight she had one of them come and study with her. It just seems like that doesn't do the trick...)

[fraidycat]

Try to frame it in another perspective. Do you and/or your DH have siblings?

 

Ask the kids if they'd rather you spent all your time with your siblings and parents vs. your DH and them.

Edited January 27, 2017 by fraidycat

[JFSinIL]

Remind them that when they are older, they will have more freedom like their older sister does now, too.  Admit to them that you miss having dd around all the time, but it is your job to help them grow into responsible adults, and that is what dd is doing.  After all - YOU and hubby became adults and no longer hang around your childhood home all the time, either.  Now back to math and cleaning your room, kidlets.

Edited January 27, 2017 by JFSinIL

[Seasider]

Does she still spend any equality time with her younger siblings? Because I say it goes both ways. She shouldn't have to have her wings clipped over it, but a friendly reminder for her to continue nurturing good sibling relationships wouldn't hurt. Especially since she can now drive, an occasional run for ice cream (or something) doesn't have to take much time and goes a long way towards maintaining friendships between them. Personally I think that's important. My youngest LOVES it when an older sibling does this, even if it's infrequently.

 

Perhaos your dd already does the above, but I have seen older teens totally blow off their younger siblings. It can be so sad.

Edited January 27, 2017 by Seasider

[fraidycat]

Does she still spend any equality time with her younger siblings? Because I say it goes both ways. She shouldn't have to have her wings clipped over it, but a friendly reminder for her to continue nurturing good sibling relationships wouldn't hurt. Especially since she can now drive, an occasional run for ice cream (or something) doesn't have to take much time and goes a long way towards maintaining friendships between them. Personally I think that's important. My youngest LOVES it when an older sibling does this, even if it's infrequently.

 

Perhaos your dd already does the above, but I have seen older teens totally blow off their younger siblings. It can be so sad.

She said her DD takes them out one-on-one.

[Seasider]

She said her DD takes them out one-on-one.

Oh, you are right, sorry OP I missed that. Older dd seems to be doing her part.

[Night Elf]

I didn't see that problem with my own kids but I experienced it with my older sister when I was a kid. She's 6 years older than me so she was always doing things that I couldn't do. I was jealous. I wanted to hurry and grow up so I could have the same advantages. I also felt like my mom loved my sister more than me because she let my sister do so much. Just something to keep in mind. I wish I had a solution.

[RioSamba]

We are starting to deal with this too. I think you and DD are doing everything right. Just as it is normal for DD to be around less often, it's natural for younger siblings to feel sad, angry, or rejected. When middle DS says something snarky, I encourage him to talk about the underlying feeling. That seems to help. I don't think there's a magic solution to this, life is thorny!

[BlsdMama]

17yo dd is a senior and we have intentionally granted her a lot of independence. She drives, has a job, has a boyfriend, has an active social life, volunteers, etc. She still asks for permission to do things and she still has a curfew, but she calls a lot of her own shots in terms of her schedule and activities. We are not offended when she chooses to work or study or be with friends over family time. We see parenting as the slow opening of a circle of authority, and by the time a kid is ready to leave home (as she will in about six months), it is appropriate that they are able to handle a lot of life by themselves. Plus we know that part of adolescence is gravitating more towards peers. 

 

The thing is, her younger siblings do NOT get this and are constantly making snarky comments about her being gone, about her liking her boyfriend more than them, etc. I know this comes from hurt feelings and it makes me sad. As a adult, it stings a little sometimes to watch her spread her wings but I can see it in the perspective of human development and how it's GOOD. For younger sibs, it just feels like rejection, I think.

 

Has anyone BTDT with this? I have never heard anyone else talk about it. Any tips for easing this transition for the younger sibs? (And yes, I do talk to dd about making time for them, and she does. She takes them out one-on-one and just tonight she had one of them come and study with her. It just seems like that doesn't do the trick...)

 

We talk about with great power comes great responsibility - but a little in reverse.  Because olders have so much more weight and responsibility on their shoulders, they have more freedom.  We tell the rest of them their time will come.  We do not encourage jealousy.  That's a nasty, discontent attitude that shouldn't be sympathized or tolerated.  Their time will come and while they wish it was now, or that they had X, or could do Y, they cannot.  It is not theirs to have and while you can empathize with the hard time waiting, I would not let them milk it, if that makes sense.

 

For example - if someone says a lie in order to feel sorry for themselves, we do not allow this.  

 

"No one loves me."

It sounds very sad and your mama urge is to say, "Oh my goodness, my poor darling, how can I comfort you and make you feel better?"

The truth is that it is a lie and they certainly know it isn't true, but they feel justified voicing the lie and giving it more air than it needs. We don't tell lies in our house.  You can say, "Mom, spend time with me."  But you can't say, "Poor me, you don't love me."

 

It is okay for DD to say, proactively, "Hey, sister, could we go to the bookstore on Saturday and have Sister Time?"  It is NOT okay for her to sulk and say, "She loves him more than me."

Do you see how that same scenario plays out to be proactive and helpful rather than passive agressive and encouraging a victim mentality?  (Poor me, I am just stuck here, I can't do anything to change my lot....)

Edited January 27, 2017 by BlsdMama

[Noreen Claire]

FWIW, I am 7 years older than my brother (only sibling) and, after I got my license, I used to take him out all the time. We would spend time together at the movies or out to McDonalds or whatever. I was kicked out at 20 (pregnant), and then didn't get to spend any real time with him for a few years. I didn't realize until many, many years later that this really hurt him. So, when your oldest leaves the house, impress on her that it would ease the pain with her younger siblings to keep up their special one-on-one time to help them with the transition.

 

That all being said, there is a 13yr gap between my oldest and the next boy, and a 21yr gap between oldest and youngest. Oldest still lives here, but is here only rarely. I wish he spent more time with the younger boys. It makes me sad.

[gardenmom5]

FWIW, I am 7 years older than my brother (only sibling) and, after I got my license, I used to take him out all the time. We would spend time together at the movies or out to McDonalds or whatever. I was kicked out at 20 (pregnant), and then didn't get to spend any real time with him for a few years. I didn't realize until many, many years later that this really hurt him. So, when your oldest leaves the house, impress on her that it would ease the pain with her younger siblings to keep up their special one-on-one time to help them with the transition.

 

That all being said, there is a 13yr gap between my oldest and the next boy, and a 21yr gap between oldest and youngest. Oldest still lives here, but is here only rarely. I wish he spent more time with the younger boys. It makes me sad.

 

I don't know if it's because your oldest is a boy, mine's a girl, or just personality differences.

1dd (22 years older) spends a fair amount of time with dudeling.  she has him for sleepovers, she'll come get him and do something fun when he's having a bad day .. he get's excited when she comes over.

1ds was 15 when dudeling was born - but they still have a good relationship. come fall, 1ds plans on heading across the country for school, I don't know how that will affect their relationship - right now it's very good even though 1ds lives elsewhere.

 

I have an aunt who lived in another country - I only saw her every three years when she'd come home.  I always looked forward to seeing her, even though in hindsight, she didn't spend that much time with us.