Night Elf Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Ok, I'm out of things to say to dd who is away at school 1.5 hours from me. She suffers from depression and anxiety and is on medication for them. She sees mental health providers on campus to monitor her meds and counsel her. To stabilize her moods, she likes to go to bed early, around 9:00pm. She's often in bed by 8:30pm. She's missing out on social time. She wakes up super early, when no one else is awake. She's still trying to learn time management with regards to studying. She struggled last semester and got A's and B's, which surprised her because she thought she was going to get 2 C's. Of her 4 classes this semester, 3 have a heavy work load, including Calculus 2. Each of her homework problems take 10-15 minutes, so she is discouraged even before she begins. She's only made a few friends and they are often busy so she is lonely a lot of the time. She skips meals when she doesn't feel like eating alone. At least she goes to the store weekly so she's got food in her room to eat. She knows she can come home anytime she wants to but she doesn't want to for whatever reason. What can I say to her? How can I help her? I just feel she's in over her head at this university but DH doesn't think so. I think her biggest challenge is trying to deal with day to day stuff with mental difficulties. It's extremely hard for her to focus on schoolwork when she's feeling depressed or anxious. I'm just worried about her. Last semester she was in a therapy group that did yoga for an hour then group therapy for an hour. That was good for her. The class only has 8 spots and she didn't get in for this semester. The only other yoga class that meets on campus is an open class and it's scheduled during one of her classes so can't go. She finally found a club she thinks she'll like and they meet weekly on Mondays. She's going to try tomorrow. I am encouraging her to do this because she needs a social outlet. I'm hoping she'll make a few friends. I feel she's having a hard time adjusting. She had a falling out with her roommate who moved out and she was assigned a new roommate within a few days and she is a much better match, but she's a very busy person and isn't in the room often so dd is alone. The campus is about 36,000 students so she feels she's such a small fish in a huge pond. Will she ever feel comfortable? This is only her second semester. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 The last sentence is key. This is only her second semester. From my own experience, and the experience of some young people I am close to, adjusting to college can take longer. Not only do student need to find a groove with respect to classwork and studying, but they also need to find a circle of friends, and while for some, that happens right at the beginning, others don't find their tribe until late during their first year, or in their second year. It sounds as if your DD is doing many right things: she is taking her medication and getting counseling, doing well in her classes, listens to her body's need for sleep. These are huge. Social time is often hard to come by for students. I would focus on her eating and try to get to her be mindful of eating regular meals - depression causes meal skipping, and not eating makes everything worse. If she is an early morning person, maybe she can connect with early birds? Go to an early am exercise class at the student rec center and meet people there? Is she part of a study group? People may not have time to "just hang out", but a lot of socializing happens while studying. Encourage her to avail herself to any opportunity to meet people that works with her schedule, but also let her know that it is normal that finding friends takes time. I was absolutely miserable for my first semester and found my "tribe" during my second semester - from then on college was fabulous for me. Young people I know have gone through similar trajectories, thought they would never feel happy at school, and then when they finally found a circle of friends, everything changed for the better. Tell her to hang in there. It WILL happen. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 FWIW, my first year my roommates and I were not a great fit and I had a hard time finding my niche. I was lonely quite a bit. Sophomore year? I found an awesome group of people. We clicked and have stayed close every since. Even though none of us live near each other we still stay in contact and see each other at least every couple of years. My last three years of college were way different than my first year and definitely way better. What is interesting is that my core group of close friends gelled from an incoming class, not the class I started and graduated with. They were all a year behind me grade-wise. She may just need more time to find her niche. I agree, encourage her to go out and attend things, put herself in a position to meet others. I found my group because I decided to go by myself to an on campus music performance. There weren't any seats left so a group of incoming freshman offered to let me sit with them. My mother remembers that night because I called her and told her about this group of people as soon as I got back to my dorm room. We just hit it off right away. She remembered being so relieved to hear the excitement in my voice as I described the evening. I don't blame you for worrying. It is hard to predict when or if something like that might happen and as a parent it is hard not to be able to help. Freshman year can be really challenging, though. Sometimes it takes a year or so to really get into a groove and find your place. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Hoping she finds her niche soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 My dd is in her second semester too. Last August I combed through the club listings with her. I told her she had to try to find a club. She was very anxious about going to anything new and anxious about managing her time.She is also very introverted. She picked a club that meets on Saturdays at 5. At first she would go to meetings and not really participate and therefore not meet people. But she kept going. She eventually go to know a couple guys who walked back toward the same dorm complex. Later in the semester this small group of 4 decided they could meet up outside of club meetings and started eating dinner together once a week. They also started hanging out on Saturday night after meetings. These steps took time for her. Pretty much the whole semester, but because she kept going to the club meetings she made some steps towards some social life. She very slowly met a few people on her hall too. I've suggested doing sorority rush, but she doesn't want to and part of me thinks that process is not a good fit for her. Prior to college she spent years studying classical ballet. there is a ballet club and other dance groups. I thought those might be good starting points, but she didn't want to go that direction. I also bought her a drop in fitness pass. She has gone to a couple yoga classes, but hasn't gotten into a routine. I hope she will this semester. Anyway, with my encouragement, she had to be persistent to get started in connecting with student life. If I had not pushed her, I doubt she would not have made the connections she did with the one club. This stuff takes time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Oh, I'm sorry she's having such a tough time. I completely agree with everyone else who has said that these sorts of difficulties are totally normal for the first year of college and that it can just take time to get comfortable and find your tribe. Regentrude's suggestion of going to the rec center early in the morning is a very good idea. I take 6am classes at my university's rec center most weekdays and there are lots of people there. The early morning crowd is heavy on the faculty and staff, of course, but there's definitely a regular group of undergrads, too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 I'll have her look and see if there is anything early in the mornings. Her first class is at 9:00 though so she might not want to commit to anything before that. I did tell her the first couple of meetings would be awkward but she should stick it out. What worries me is if people have already come together and not talk to the new chick. I know she'd leave there in tears and never want to go back. There is an activities fair on Feb. 1st that she is going to go to to see if she can find any other groups to join. So that's good. I appreciate the reassurance. My college experience wasn't anything like that because I was married young and didn't worry about finding friends in classes. I already had a circle of friends when I started. She had a very rough day. I suggested she go to the store and get a few things including her favorite drink, cream soda. She bought a six pack of cans. When she got home, the first one she opened was empty. She said that was exactly the kind of day she was having. Poor thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 My experience and my sons' exp was that people are always looking for new friends. One thing she can do is pick the same time to go to meals, and that may help her find a group more easily than going at random times. One of my sons had a social gal just hang signs around the dorm to meet at a certain place and go to dinner together at a certain time. She essentially gathered up everyone who didn't come from a regional high school with a group of friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 The last sentence is key. This is only her second semester. <snip> It sounds as if your DD is doing many right things: she is taking her medication and getting counseling, doing well in her classes, listens to her body's need for sleep. These are huge. <snip> Is she part of a study group? People may not have time to "just hang out", but a lot of socializing happens while studying. <snip> All the stuff regentrude said. She is doing a lot of things right, it can just take time. I definitely second the idea of joining or starting study groups. It takes a lot of the pressure off that can accompany more clear-cut efforts to socialize, but she will meet people and there is definitely a social aspect. She had a very rough day. I suggested she go to the store and get a few things including her favorite drink, cream soda. She bought a six pack of cans. When she got home, the first one she opened was empty. She said that was exactly the kind of day she was having. Poor thing. Aw, it's not fair when your comfort food turns against you! She knows she can come home anytime she wants to but she doesn't want to for whatever reason. It might feel like more of an effort than she's able to put forth right now, plus then you feel like you have to spend a certain amount of time at home to make it 'worth it.' If it works for you to go up there and take her to lunch or dinner occasionally, and maybe Target for supplies and whatnot, that's what I would do. One of my kids would never ask me to do that kind of thing, but would be very glad if I did. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 Has she met her advisor in her major yet? I couldn't officially declare a major for a couple of semesters, but I had the advisor for a class my second semester. Perhaps he/she can connect her with students in her major? I went to a huge school as well, and the personal attention from the advisor and upperclassmen in that major (tiny major -- we graduated three the year I graduated, and we hadn't had any in that major the year before me) helped me feel at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 Has she met her advisor in her major yet? I couldn't officially declare a major for a couple of semesters, but I had the advisor for a class my second semester. Perhaps he/she can connect her with students in her major? I went to a huge school as well, and the personal attention from the advisor and upperclassmen in that major (tiny major -- we graduated three the year I graduated, and we hadn't had any in that major the year before me) helped me feel at home. I think for the first two years it's just a general advisor. She hasn't yet met one specifically in Statistics yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 She had a study group for Calculus last semester but the group didn't do anything outside study hour. Just getting them all together at one time a week was a challenge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkateLeft Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 (edited) My oldest daughter is introverted, has bipolar 2 and is very serious about her academics. She struggled with similar issues when she first went off to college. To compound things, her freshman year roommate made some bad choices and withdrew from the university a couple of months into the first semester, so she didn't even have that socialization. The next two years, she lived on her own without a roommate. Fortunately, now in her fourth year, she's made a nice little group of like-minded, equally quirky friends, has gotten involved in a couple of clubs and volunteers with a local art gallery. She moved into an off campus apartment with a friend, and she's had successful summer internships for the last two years, and already has two offers for this summer. It took time. It was probably a couple of years before she really started to find her tribe. I thought I was probably one of the few parents who'd talk to their college kid on the phone and encourage them to quit studying and go hang out more. She's such a contrast to my younger daughter, who is a total extrovert who plays sports and joined a sorority. It really sounds like your daughter is doing the right things, so hopefully she'll find her people soon. I completely understand your anxiety though. I felt it myself for a very long time! Edited January 23, 2017 by ghostwheel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 She had a study group for Calculus last semester but the group didn't do anything outside study hour. Just getting them all together at one time a week was a challenge. Are they meeting again for their next math class this semester? DD formed her study group her first semester. They have been studying together for a number of courses. Their problem sets are difficult, so there is not just "study hour" - it's study hourS. They have also formed a fb group to discuss their work when they cannot get together in person. They don't do much socializing outside of studying (who has the time?), but still, studying leads to chatting, to stopping when they run into each other on campus. to grabbing a cup of coffee together between classes, sitting together in class and walking to the next building. It may not lead to best friends, but it broadens the circle. DD did not click with her first year room mate and never hung out with her. She found other friends in her dorm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 Are they meeting again for their next math class this semester? DD formed her study group her first semester. They have been studying together for a number of courses. Their problem sets are difficult, so there is not just "study hour" - it's study hourS. They have also formed a fb group to discuss their work when they cannot get together in person. They don't do much socializing outside of studying (who has the time?), but still, studying leads to chatting, to stopping when they run into each other on campus. to grabbing a cup of coffee together between classes, sitting together in class and walking to the next building. It may not lead to best friends, but it broadens the circle. DD did not click with her first year room mate and never hung out with her. She found other friends in her dorm. No, it didn't continue this semester. The class was on a group chat and got together at least once a week although it wasn't always the same people. She had 4 people drop out by midpoint so there were only a few of them left. They did normally study together longer than an hour, I just called it that. Not everyone was helpful. She'd ask about certain problems in group chat and no one would respond. This semester, her class has a group chat so far and the teacher has a website with a board to discuss problems so I don't even know if students will want to get together outside class. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 No, it didn't continue this semester. The class was on a group chat and got together at least once a week although it wasn't always the same people. She had 4 people drop out by midpoint so there were only a few of them left. They did normally study together longer than an hour, I just called it that. Not everyone was helpful. She'd ask about certain problems in group chat and no one would respond. This semester, her class has a group chat so far and the teacher has a website with a board to discuss problems so I don't even know if students will want to get together outside class. She should take initiative and invite - but be selective in inviting who gets to be in the group. Pick students who appear serious and seem to want to learn. group chat is not a substitute for actual study groups or peer learning. especially not for subjects like math where you need to stand together in front of a blackboard and work out the solution as a team. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 She should take initiative and invite - but be selective in inviting who gets to be in the group. Pick students who appear serious and seem to want to learn. group chat is not a substitute for actual study groups or peer learning. especially not for subjects like math where you need to stand together in front of a blackboard and work out the solution as a team. I don't think my dd has seen the type of organization you have experienced. Last semester, the study group was really open to everyone in class. If someone had a problem, they'd ask in group chat if anyone could meet. There were 2 or 3 that seemed always there, but others would come and go depending on if they needed help on that week's content. Even dd didn't attend every week. I don't even know if anyone has asked for help this semester. Dd hasn't mentioned meeting up with anyone. She usually uses online resources to explain confusing concepts. Sometimes she emails my DH and they work together. There is something from Monday that she wants to go see the instructor about during his office hours, but I don't know if she actually did that. I don't think she's asked the group for help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 The campus is about 36,000 students so she feels she's such a small fish in a huge pond. Oh my goodness! DD looked at a school with 25K and she felt totally overwhelmed by it and marked it off the list. I'm kind of glad she made that choice. Her two options right now are both about 9000. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) Might the occasional care package brighten her day? I know it doesn't address the overall problem, but sometimes a fun surprise can help us get through a tough week. Usually I just use Amazon, because we have Prime. If I have to send her a book or something, I will usually find a little add-on item to go with it (add-ons are the little items that don't qualify for Prime unless your total is $25+). The other day I did have to mail something from home, so I threw in a tube of mini M&Ms, $3, and some Mickey Mouse stickers. Yes, $3, it's what happened to be in my wallet, lol, and she can buy a little guilt-free treat with it. Of course you can do cards and letters as well. I wouldn't have paid postage to send a bit of candy, but the needed item required priority shipping anyway, so I threw in whatever fit. It's just a bit of fun and helps her to know that we are thinking of her. We text and video chat often, but there's something about that unexpected envelope or box showing up . . . Edited to add, once again, that it sounds like she is managing her first year really well overall. The social part really can take some time, especially if you are introverted or have unusual interests. Even when you make friends right away, it's not unusual to have a hard bump in the road with that first friend group. I just noticed she's taking Calc 2 - is that the same as Calc B? My oldest is taking that, maybe they should start a Skype study group :laugh: younger dd: jeez, mom, nobody Skypes anymore, you sound old! Edited January 25, 2017 by katilac Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I don't think my dd has seen the type of organization you have experienced. Last semester, the study group was really open to everyone in class. If someone had a problem, they'd ask in group chat if anyone could meet. There were 2 or 3 that seemed always there, but others would come and go depending on if they needed help on that week's content. Even dd didn't attend every week. I don't even know if anyone has asked for help this semester. Dd hasn't mentioned meeting up with anyone. She usually uses online resources to explain confusing concepts. Sometimes she emails my DH and they work together. There is something from Monday that she wants to go see the instructor about during his office hours, but I don't know if she actually did that. I don't think she's asked the group for help. These are different things - open study environments where people come and go, and a tight knit study group whose members make the commitment to get together every.single.week and work on their problem sets together. I facilitate the former for my classes, and students organize themselves into the latter if they want. When I suggested forming a study group, I was referring to the latter. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 You are probably going to say that this isn't her scene, but did she think about joining a sorority? Southerm schools have a big Greek presence. Many of my students who go to UGA, USC (Carolina not California), Auburn, Tennessee, even Georgia Tech, who you would think aren't the fraternity or sorority type, join. From my hippie girls to my jock girls to my cheerleaders to my academics, they join sororities. Just something to think about. If she is where I think she is, other things I have seen my students join--fencing,chamber music group, societies for their majors... I also agree with regentrude about study groups. I have a student at UGA who is graduating this spring with an accounting degree. He has been in the same small study group (and grabbing dinner together and what have you) since his freshman year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 Of course you can do cards and letters as well. I wouldn't have paid postage to send a bit of candy, but the needed item required priority shipping anyway, so I threw in whatever fit. Actually I did send her a Thinking of You card with ten $1 bills to use in the vending machine. I mailed it Sunday night and she hasn't said anything about it so I guess she hasn't received it yet. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 You are probably going to say that this isn't her scene, but did she think about joining a sorority? Southerm schools have a big Greek presence. Many of my students who go to UGA, USC (Carolina not California), Auburn, Tennessee, even Georgia Tech, who you would think aren't the fraternity or sorority type, join. From my hippie girls to my jock girls to my cheerleaders to my academics, they join sororities. Just something to think about. If she is where I think she is, other things I have seen my students join--fencing,chamber music group, societies for their majors... I also agree with regentrude about study groups. I have a student at UGA who is graduating this spring with an accounting degree. He has been in the same small study group (and grabbing dinner together and what have you) since his freshman year. My dd is at UGA too. She has no interest in a sorority. She did join a club that meets weekly but she couldn't get past small talk last Monday and the conversation petered out leaving her sitting alone. She said she was going to keep trying. She joined a subcommittee of it so there may be some people in that that she will work with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 My dd is at UGA too. My dd looked at UGA, too bad they didn't both wind up at Huntsville! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JanetC Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 My dd is at UGA too. She has no interest in a sorority. She did join a club that meets weekly but she couldn't get past small talk last Monday and the conversation petered out leaving her sitting alone. She said she was going to keep trying. She joined a subcommittee of it so there may be some people in that that she will work with. Patience. You have to show up about six times before you move from "that weird new person" to "someone who's been here a while." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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