Adults-only weddings

[poppy]

I don't think I understand this comment.  

 

In New England, the only people ever addressed as "Miss Firstname" are daycare employees and preschool teachers. 

 

In my kids public school, the preschool teachers are Miss Firstname (regardless of marital state).  Kindergarten teachers, aides, secretaries are Mrs. or Miss Lastname.   And the cafeteria employees and janitors have a choice of being Mrs. Lastname or FirstNameonly. 

 

I suppose if a cafeteria worker wants to be Miss Donna instead of Donna, they could. But I don't know anyone who choose to be  Miss Firstname. 

 

My kids 6, 7, 8 year old friends call me by my first name. My girl scouts call me by my first name.  It's not how I grew up.  But I'm OK with it. I far prefer it to "Miss Firstname". Which makes me think of an employer/servant relationship.

 

 

 

[poppy]

I'm trying to figure out why anyone would be offended at receiving mail addressed to Mrs Husband's Firstname Lastname.  (I am talking about people in the US only, where it has been a common form of address for at least as long as I've been alive but surely much longer.)  

 

I can see why people might not love it.  I remember the first time my mother sent me mail that way.  It felt weird.  Like, where am I in this?  But then of course I came to my senses and opened the letter.  It was a nice letter. :-)    

 

I can see why it might seem antiquated and odd. 

 

But I cannot for the life of me see what is offensive about it.   

 

I don't know if I'd say I'm offended, but it would ruffle my feathers if I got a letter addressed that way by a peer. 

 

I also don't have my husband's last name, like many women in my circle of friends.... but I don't think that makes a whit of difference in the appropriateness of that form of address.

Now, if it was by an old lady, I wouldn't mind so much. Old ladies get a lot of leeway from me on this kind of thing-- assuming they are doing it to be proper versus to be deliberately provocative.

[marbel]

I don't know if I'd say I'm offended, but it would ruffle my feathers if I got a letter addressed that way by a peer. 

 

I also don't have my husband's last name, like many women in my circle of friends.... but I don't think that makes a whit of difference in the appropriateness of that form of address.

Now, if it was by an old lady, I wouldn't mind so much. Old ladies get a lot of leeway from me on this kind of thing-- assuming they are doing it to be proper versus to be deliberately provocative.

 

Well there's the difference, I guess.  I don't tend to see things like this as deliberately provocative unless I have other reasons to think the person means it that way.  By itself, it is just a traditional form of address, nothing provocative about it.  

 

BTW I don't use it myself.  I typically do without titles altogether and just use peoples' names.  I suppose that offends someone too. 

 

Oh, and I agree it would seem very odd to get that from someone who knew I hadn't taken my husband's last name.  I might correct the person in that case. 

[TechWife]

In New England, the only people ever addressed as "Miss Firstname" are daycare employees and preschool teachers.

 

In my kids public school, the preschool teachers are Miss Firstname (regardless of marital state). Kindergarten teachers, aides, secretaries are Mrs. or Miss Lastname. And the cafeteria employees and janitors have a choice of being Mrs. Lastname or FirstNameonly.

 

I suppose if a cafeteria worker wants to be Miss Donna instead of Donna, they could. But I don't know anyone who choose to be Miss Firstname.

 

My kids 6, 7, 8 year old friends call me by my first name. My girl scouts call me by my first name. It's not how I grew up. But I'm OK with it. I far prefer it to "Miss Firstname". Which makes me think of an employer/servant relationship.

Miss First name is a common form of address in the southeastern US. It is used for all ages, regardless of marital, income or employment status. It is far preferable to being called by only a first name. Mrs./Ms./Miss Last Name is preferable to using the first name only as well.

 

If Mrs. Last Name is the respectful form of address where you live, why wouldn't all of the teachers, janitors and other employees be addressed that way? People are due respect no matter how they make a living.

Edited September 17, 2016 by TechWife

[goldberry]

In New England, the only people ever addressed as "Miss Firstname" are daycare employees and preschool teachers. 

 

In my kids public school, the preschool teachers are Miss Firstname (regardless of marital state).  Kindergarten teachers, aides, secretaries are Mrs. or Miss Lastname.   And the cafeteria employees and janitors have a choice of being Mrs. Lastname or FirstNameonly. 

 

I suppose if a cafeteria worker wants to be Miss Donna instead of Donna, they could. But I don't know anyone who choose to be  Miss Firstname. 

 

My kids 6, 7, 8 year old friends call me by my first name. My girl scouts call me by my first name.  It's not how I grew up.  But I'm OK with it. I far prefer it to "Miss Firstname". Which makes me think of an employer/servant relationship.

 

Oh, okay.  I didn't realize there was any kind of protocol attached to it.  I just knew some people preferred the Miss Firstname thing, I thought it was just a less formal variation.  DDs friends insist on calling me Mrs. Lastname, even though I have asked them to call me by my first name. Not Miss, just first name.  They have said their parents would not allow it.  I find it annoying.

[goldberry]

If Mrs. Last Name is the respectful form of address where you live, why wouldn't all of the teachers, janitors and other employees be addressed that way? People are due respect no matter how they make a living.

 

Yes, that's odd to me.  I didn't think it had any social connotations like that.  I thought it was just preference.

[poppy]

Miss First name is a common form of address in the southeastern US. It is used for all ages, regardless of marital, income or employment status. It is far preferable to being called by only a first name. Mrs./Ms./Miss Last Name is preferable to using the first name only as well.

 

If Mrs. Last Name is the respectful form of address where you live, why wouldn't all of the teachers, janitors and other employees be addressed that way? People are due respect no matter how they make a living.

Firstname is also a respectful form of address where I live.

 

It's not just janitors and cafeteria workers. It's basically all adults. The exceptions are doctors , teachers and school administration . And anyone who choses to introduce herself by a title .

 

But generally, if I am introducing my kids to my friend Eliza, I say , this is my friend Eliza . Easy simple and not disrespectful.

 

My daughter calls her teachers in a homeschool context my first names . Coop teachers, zoo school teacher, hike leader, parkour instructor , all first name . (I do ask what they prefer to be called when introducing her if I am the one doing the introduction ).

 

I do understand that if I move to - say - Georgia , my kids and I will adjust to the convention of that region .

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Edited September 17, 2016 by poppy

[gardenmom5]

Miss First name is a common form of address in the southeastern US. It is used for all ages, regardless of marital, income or employment status. It is far preferable to being called by only a first name. Mrs./Ms./Miss Last Name is preferable to using the first name only as well.

 

If Mrs. Last Name is the respectful form of address where you live, why wouldn't all of the teachers, janitors and other employees be addressed that way? People are due respect no matter how they make a living.

Makes me think of "miss elllie" from dallas. NO ONE would mistake her for a preschool teacher, and even her husband deferred to her!

 

Firstname is also a respectful form of address where I live.

 

It's not just janitors and cafeteria workers. It's basically all adults. The exceptions are doctors , teachers and school administration . And anyone who choses to introduce herself by a title .

 

But generally, if I am introducing my kids to my friend Eliza, I say , this is my friend Eliza . Easy simple and not disrespectful.

 

My daughter calls her teachers in a homeschool context my first names . Coop teachers, zoo school teacher, hike leader, parkour instructor , all first name . (I do ask what they prefer to be called when introducing her if I am the one doing the introduction ).

 

I do understand that if I move to - say - Georgia , my kids and I will adjust to the convention of that region .

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

my dd referred to nearly all of her prof's by their first name.  the only one's who wanted to be called "prof ___" came from somewhere else and were "just visiting".  but it was a school students tended to really get to know their profs.

[Valley Girl]

I'm trying to figure out why anyone would be offended at receiving mail addressed to Mrs Husband's Firstname Lastname.  (I am talking about people in the US only, where it has been a common form of address for at least as long as I've been alive but surely much longer.)  

 

I can see why people might not love it.  I remember the first time my mother sent me mail that way.  It felt weird.  Like, where am I in this?  But then of course I came to my senses and opened the letter.  It was a nice letter. :-)    

 

I can see why it might seem antiquated and odd. 

 

But I cannot for the life of me see what is offensive about it.   

 

Because taking offense at things where no offense or malice was actually intended is becoming an Olympic sport?

[marbel]

Oh, okay.  I didn't realize there was any kind of protocol attached to it.  I just knew some people preferred the Miss Firstname thing, I thought it was just a less formal variation.  DDs friends insist on calling me Mrs. Lastname, even though I have asked them to call me by my first name. Not Miss, just first name.  They have said their parents would not allow it.  I find it annoying.

 

I know a lot of folks - unsurprisingly, a lot of them at church - who insist their kids call adults by Mrs/Ms/Mr Lastname, 

 

I guess it is rude for parents to disregard a request by an adult to be called what they want, but I have a hard time getting annoyed by it. I understand that for some people it seems to be an important way to make it clear to their kids that adults are not their peers.

 

We've been here long enough that I know quite a few kids who've grown up during the time I've known them.   Around about the time they start college I suggest they transition from calling me Mrs Lastname to just my first name, if they'd like to and actually can do it.  Sometimes it takes a few months, but it always works out. 

[gardenmom5]

Because taking offense at things where no offense or malice was actually intended is becoming an Olympic sport?

 

It can also be entertaining to NOT take offense  when offense *was* intended.    even more entertaining to be positively cheerful!

[poppy]

I know a lot of folks - unsurprisingly, a lot of them at church - who insist their kids call adults by Mrs/Ms/Mr Lastname, 

 

I guess it is rude for parents to disregard a request by an adult to be called what they want, but I have a hard time getting annoyed by it. I understand that for some people it seems to be an important way to make it clear to their kids that adults are not their peers.

 

We've been here long enough that I know quite a few kids who've grown up during the time I've known them.   Around about the time they start college I suggest they transition from calling me Mrs Lastname to just my first name, if they'd like to and actually can do it.  Sometimes it takes a few months, but it always works out. 

 

I don't think it is actually respectful to ignore a person's preferred form of address.  It is a child overriding an adult's wishes.  It is not something any adult would do to another adult, so why would a parent teach a child to behave that way?

 

Not saying I'd get offended or upset, I just think the parents are teaching their children to be tactless here.... but I do recognize that everyone has good intentions in this scenario.  And I really don't ever get mad at kids over 'etiquette'. I get amused, if it's really bad I gently guide, that's the extent of it.

[gardenmom5]

I don't think it is actually respectful to ignore a person's preferred form of address.  It is a child overriding an adult's wishes.  It is not something any adult would do to another adult, so why would a parent teach a child to behave that way?

 

Not saying I'd get offended or upset, I just think the parents are teaching their children to be tactless here.... but I do recognize that everyone has good intentions in this scenario.  And I really don't ever get mad at kids over 'etiquette'. I get amused, if it's really bad I gently guide, that's the extent of it.

 

 

while I get your point even kids should call an adult by what the adults chooses (my parents had friends who went by first names, and friends who went by Mrs___)   - the "overriding an adult's wishes is not something any adult would do to another adult" is woefully naive.

 

Edited September 18, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Guest]

I don't think it is actually respectful to ignore a person's preferred form of address. It is a child overriding an adult's wishes. It is not something any adult would do to another adult, so why would a parent teach a child to behave that way?

 

 

You must not have any NPD relatives. I do not call my NPD inlaws by their requested form of address. Its inappropriate. Mil is Mrs. Lastname until, she invites me to call her by her first name or nickname. She wants to be called 'mom', although she does no mothering .. in her mind that makes her a person who should get thing$ from her children, a dependent. At times, they attempt to cause trouble by adressing my children other than by the names they use...that is my cue the NPD is flaring and they seek control over me (the children think old people have memory trouble). What we have taught the children is not to be manipulated or accept disrespect. Edited September 18, 2016 by Heigh Ho

[poppy]

while I get your point even kids should call an adult by what the adults chooses (my parents had friends who went by first names, and friends who went by Mrs___) - the "overriding an adult's wishes is not something any adult would do to another adult" is woefully naive.

 

Guess I should have phrased it not something any adult SHOULD do to another adult. Don't train your kids to correct people basically .

[Bluegoat]

I think it's a bit odd to tell kids to call an adult by a title they don't prefer, if the idea is really that they should do so no matter what.

 

That being said, some kids have a hard time with rules that aren't the same all the time, so to a large extent I also would tend to accept, with younger kids, whatever they had been taught.

[heartlikealion]

I don't know what NPD stands for, but I would be uncomfortable calling anyone "Mom" besides my own mother. Speaking just about these choices: Mrs. Lastname vs. firstname I would say I'd use what was preferred. If in doubt, I go with "Mr./Mrs./Ms." just because it seems more formal. When I was growing up my neighbor had me call her firstname, but I didn't do it with any random adult I met. I would feel disrespectful if someone specifically asked me NOT to call them something and I did it, anyway. You might like the name "Sam" but if you meet a Samantha and she wants to be called Samantha, don't call her Sam. It's simple.

[marbel]

I think it's a bit odd to tell kids to call an adult by a title they don't prefer, if the idea is really that they should do so no matter what.

 

That being said, some kids have a hard time with rules that aren't the same all the time, so to a large extent I also would tend to accept, with younger kids, whatever they had been taught.

 

I've come to the conclusion that I just don't have a strong preference on what kids call me.  If a parent wants to teach their kids to use Mr/Ms/Mrs Lastname, I don't really care.  But I also don't have a problem with a little formality.  

 

When my son joined Boy Scouts, he called all the adult leaders Mr Lastname.  The Scoutmaster told the boys to call him by his first name.  He said something like "I know your parents probably told you to call me Mr. X, but I'd like you to call me Joe."   So that's what everyone did. The other leaders remained Mr Lastname, though - none of them preferred the same level of familiarity.   

 

So I don't know.  It's not a big deal to me but I can see that others have stronger preferences.

 

Edited September 19, 2016 by marbel