VeteranMom Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 I have been helping my dh run 2 competitive basketball teams for over 4 years. We deal with about 17 families currently. It's been fairly common to feel disappointment and I'm at the point of walking away. I'm frustrated and it's built up over many years. People bail out of their commitments, they don't pay us what they owe (after we've pre-paid out of our pockets for tournaments, etc), and many have no loyalty to the team or my husband. We've had people lie about us. We've had other coaches openly come after our players and lie about us. I'm losing faith in people. Just when I think I've seen everything, something new is being tossed at us. I feel there is always a problem to be dealt with and we never catch a break from problems. And...I feel pretty taken for granted and resentful at this point. How do you cope? Any words of wisdom? What do you consider your role on the team? What do you do in between games? Do you socialize with the other parents? Do you stop going to watch your kids play (if your kid is on the team)? I know this is likely most about boundaries. I don't know how to not feel like my heart is regularly being stomped on. We spend so much time with these families and I don't know how to continue being around them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Personally...it wouldn't be worth it to me and our family. We would walk away. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndOfOrdinary Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Growing up, I was on ultra competative teams and did experience both the good and the bad. We walked away from the bad. It made getting to the good ones much quicker. Unfortunately, it had to be a no tolerance policy. One strike and I was gone. It took two teams to find one where what you describe was not happening. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon77 Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Neither my husband nor I coach, but our kids have participated in various types of sports and from the brutality I've seen, I'd never be involved in that way! I am very sorry for what you must be going through. For whatever reason, sports brings out the very worst in people. We've had several friendships end because of it. It's scary to see how people change when they are chasing that all elusive sports scholarship! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 We don't coach but do a bunch of volunteer organizational stuff. I no longer will do it unless I can stay out of drama. I don't cover people's money. I say we need payment by 10/10/2016 or you won't be able to participate. People get one shot and then they get blacklisted with me. If I couldn't do it without drama, I do not do it. I'm sorry you are having such a bad experience. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 I have been helping my dh run 2 competitive basketball teams for over 4 years. We deal with about 17 families currently. It's been fairly common to feel disappointment and I'm at the point of walking away. I'm frustrated and it's built up over many years. People bail out of their commitments, they don't pay us what they owe (after we've pre-paid out of our pockets for tournaments, etc), and many have no loyalty to the team or my husband. We've had people lie about us. We've had other coaches openly come after our players and lie about us. I'm losing faith in people. Just when I think I've seen everything, something new is being tossed at us. I feel there is always a problem to be dealt with and we never catch a break from problems. And...I feel pretty taken for granted and resentful at this point. How do you cope? Any words of wisdom? What do you consider your role on the team? What do you do in between games? Do you socialize with the other parents? Do you stop going to watch your kids play (if your kid is on the team)? I know this is likely most about boundaries. I don't know how to not feel like my heart is regularly being stomped on. We spend so much time with these families and I don't know how to continue being around them. Agreeing with a PP - Don't front money for people, unless you are willing to lose it. Don't expect people to have the same emotional investment in the team that you do. For them, it may be just an activity they pay for and take their kids to. They may not have any loyalty to the team. They are going to come and go for all kinds of reasons. Make your peace with that. And on that note, don't think you have to cater to everything that everyone says they want from the team. Decide what YOU want, for YOUR kids, and do that. If other people want more, let them take on the task of making it happen. And if other people want something quite different, create a community where it's OK for them to drop the team and go elsewhere if it's a better fit for their kid and what they want from a team (even if their perceptions of both your team and their new one are unrealistic or wrong). Be gracious and rise above. It will help you and your team in the long run. Don't expect people to understand, let alone appreciate, what you and your dh are doing for their kids. Often, they won't, especially if they aren't the type of people to take on these jobs themselves. You know in your hearts what you are giving those kids; let that be enough. When you give like this, it eventually comes back to you, in unexpected ways. Let it surprise you when it does; don't go looking for it. Don't expect to be best friends with these families. Think of it like a work relationship, not a family friendship. Make sure you have friends outside of the team, so you are not reliant on these families for all of your social needs. Ditto for your children. Try not to get involved in any drama. Listen, if you like, but don't participate in or pass on any gossip. If you can nip it in the bud, do so. And, if your child has gotten all they need from the activity, it's ok to let go your involvement and create a space for someone else to step up and take on your role. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 We don't coach but do a bunch of volunteer organizational stuff. I no longer will do it unless I can stay out of drama. I don't cover people's money. I say we need payment by 10/10/2016 or you won't be able to participate. People get one shot and then they get blacklisted with me. If I couldn't do it without drama, I do not do it. I'm sorry you are having such a bad experience. :iagree: I'm thrilled some of the girls in my Girl Scout troop have decided to leave, not because of the girls (they are great kids), but because their MOMS are so incredibly negative and difficult, with behavior much like the OP describes. If those moms weren't leaving I'd be quitting. Sorry you are going through this, VeteranMom. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 If you're in charge of ANYTHING, ALWAYS get the money up-front. NEVER float your own money. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Not sure in what area you live, but that's not ok. We don't coach, but ds plays baseball and they always have parents volunteer for coaching. Dh usually helps as assistant coach, but not the main one. We treat them with respect, pay them what we owe, and try to thank them when we can for their time and effort. It's just the right thing to do. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Not a coach but from the parenting side of travel/competitive sports we learned early on that the coaches are not our friends. The other parents are seldom truly our friends. Many teams are quick to declare themselves family but it turns ugly pretty quickly sometimes. We considered our relationships with coaches more like business arrangements and not personal friendships. We made a couple good friends with parents but learned in general to keep our guard up. It sounds so silly but for us the kids' sports had to have a level of emotional distance. So much drama. I am glad we are done with sports. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Oh gosh, I would have left a long time ago, but as far as the money, I would say, "Everyone must pay X amount by the deadline or we can't go to the tournament." I would then weekly post who has paid and remind them. Publicly post! And if it isn't paid by the deadline, it isn't happening, PERIOD. No way I would put that much stress onto my family life. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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