bettyandbob Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I'm on the road. I just learned through a obit posted by a local news agency on FB that the 21 to ds of dh friend died suddenly. Dh went to law school with friend, friend was in our wedding, and they live on the other side of town, but I have not seen the family since the oldest kids (my 21 yo was born weeks before this young man) were toddlers. The wife made it known that while she didn't dislike me she had friends already (I was in the " gets sent invitation to pampered chef party, but not invite to join girls night out" outer circle of friends to her) so we just didn't hang out. Dh and friend have gotten together less than a handful of time over the years and have collaborated on some business. Its probably been 4+ years since they've seen each other. dh is pretty bad about working on friendships. (To illustrate, dh has one childhood friend, who was his best man. I regularly remind dh to go do something with him and respond to invitations that come every 6 months. I made sure we attended that friends dd's wedding--dh wasn't sure going to a wedding was important. ) I will be gone until next weekend. I've called dh and told him the news website to look up to get information and told him he has to go to the funeral. I'm going to remind dh he needs to actually greet the old friend and his wife, rather than duck in and out of the synagogue. They've listed a place for donations. Other than attending the funeral and making a donation should dh do anything else. Should I do anything when I get home with my kids. I feel like doing more might be awkward, but ya'll are good at figuring social stuff, which I am terrible at and dh worse. I thought I'd ask here and go with your suggestions. Sorry for so much background. I thought it would help to understand, where dh and then the rest of our family fall in the circle of friends/ acquaintances. This is truly a nightmare. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Definitely attend the funeral. Beyond that I'm not sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Your dh needs to go to thee funeral. I would send a sympathy card also. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 DH could go to the funeral and maybe send a sympathy card or take a small potted plant with a sympathy card attached. I don't see there being anything else necessary since you are not close, not family, and have not had much contact at all over the years. However, if you really felt like you wanted to help, you might check to see if some sort of meal provision might be welcome once you return. Bring over a casserole or something easy to prepare. Don't feel obligated, though. Its just a suggestion in case you want to do more after DH gets back from the funeral and you get home. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 DH should definitely go the funeral. It's always fine but not necessary to send a plant or such. If you have any pictures with this boy in them from when they were young, I would send copies in a sympathy card, "sending these just in case you don't have them." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 No plants. Please no plants. People put a place in obits for donations because they don't want plants and flowers. Go the the funeral (him only if you can't). Write a note. Make a donation - make sure you make it in his name. We received notes from the foundation we listed for my father telling us certain people made donations. It didn't matter who specifically or how much - it was just nice to see that people honored his memory that way. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 No plants unless you are going to plant them yourself. Unless gardening is their way of postponing reality, they won't want the obligation to keep the thing alive. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Your dh needs to go to thee funeral. I would send a sympathy card also. I agree. Even if you can't go, your dh definitely should go. Send a sympathy card too. I really appreciated the sympathy cards I received in the weeks after my mom died, even from people I didn't know all that well. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaLisa Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Going to the funeral and giving a donation sounds right and yes, sending a sympathy card is always helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 It would be thoughtful to send a sympathy card. A real one that you write yourself, on a blank note card, as opposed to a Hi There Greeting Card Company card. Just a simple note, such as "I'm so sorry for your loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 22, 2016 Author Share Posted March 22, 2016 I spoke to dh yesterday. He had been in contact with his friend and is going to the funeral this morning. I had already called the synagogue regarding a donation and given that info to dh. So he was going to take care of that too. I texted a friend who I thought would have some mutual connections. She's out of town, but she confirmed my feelings that the wife has a strong support network. A lot of people are out of town. My friend's ds, like my dd, is the same age as the young person's younger brother (the family's middle child). They are all high school seniors. My friend's ds is in class with the middle child and knows the middle child's best friend is out of town also. My friend said this is the seventh recent graduate of the school to die this year. It's been very difficult. Thank you for helping me think through the best approach. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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