Supporting a newly widowed young mother

[zimom]

Thanks for all the advice!

 

removed information to respect privacy.

Edited March 17, 2016 by zimom

[bolt.]

Try to "be a friend" not just by being kind, compassionate, and helpful -- but by taking any excuse to work from those things ("I brought you some of my garden veg.") to real things ("Do you mind if I sit for a bit? My xyz is crazy and I could use a break. How bout this weather?"

 

Sometimes people crave companionship that doesn't totally revolve around 'sorry for your loss' / 'how can I help?'.

[amyx4]

Something like that happened in our social circle. I just kept offering lots of basic help. I'd call and say I was standing in the grocery store, "did she need bread, milk, etc."  I offered carpooling. Our kids were on the same team, so I'd offer to take to hers to practice. If we were cleaning our gutters I'd just call and say, "hey we've got the ladder out can we just stop by."   We tried not to stay too long or make her talk too much. We just figured that offering labor was a way of offering love.

Thinking back on that time still brings me to tears but I can look back and know that we offered really practical help which just kept the house running until the tears stopped running.

[Guest]

I'll be writing thank younotes this week for a new widow. Others are gathering all the comments on FB and online obituaries to put them into the memory book. Someone else is scanning photos to add to the slide shows from the memorial. We're getting them to her and her adult children on thumb drives. One guy went out and had her point at stuff that needed to go to the dump and loaded it up and made a dump run.

 

I'm sorry for this young woman but so thankful so many (including you) are doing what you can.

 

Apparently at about 3 months people start forgetting and at 6 months the grief hits hard, so maybe you can be of help in remembering.

[fairfarmhand]

Just don't stop offering help after the first few weeks.

[happi duck]

I agree with continuing to be a friend and continuing to offer help beyond the window of time when lots of people want to help.

 

Imho, I would not give a necklace with a note about giving her an option for her husband's ring. I would assume she *chose* her hand over a chain for a reason. Giving the chain might make her feel self conscious about wearing it on her thumb, kwim?

 

My sister was widowed suddenly and wears her husband's ring on her hand so she can always see it.

[Ellie]

 

Imho, I would not give a necklace with a note about giving her an option for her husband's ring. I would assume she *chose* her hand over a chain for a reason. Giving the chain might make her feel self conscious about wearing it on her thumb, kwim?

 

 

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

And definitely continue to include her and her children in your life. It's so easy to forget after a few months, but she will still be mourning and in need of friends.

[Karen A]

Invite them over for meals.  Particularly if she is not working, adult conversation can be so welcome.  I know someone who had a widow over weekly for several years--even soup/grilled cheese or pizza are better shared with good company.  Doesn't have to be fancy.

 

Note on your calendar the 1 mo, 6 mo. 9 mo, 1 yr, 18 mo, 2 yr, etc.  anniversary dates and shoot an email or note over.

 

Offer to babysit, or to take her babysitter home if you know she is going out.  Nobody wants to pay $10/hr, and still have to wake up kids, load in car so babysitter can be driven back home at 10 or 11 pm.

 

If you knew her husband, talk to her about him when you are reminded of him and remember him. -- eg, at this years block party:  "I remember last year what a great steak (late husband) cooked."  She is remembering--tell her you are too!  Or at Little League--"I'm sure (late husband) would be so proud to see Johnny playing so well."

 

Sounds like you have already thought through some things we depend on husbands to do (lawn care, sprinklers).  If there are other things you can think of, offer to help or referrals for handyman/other things beyond your skill set.

 

Re the necklace--I'm not sure I'd do that either.  It is kind you are thinking of it, but she might feel awkward if she keeps ring on thumb and sees you.

 

Sounds like you're neighborhood is already doing a great job.  

 

[OneStepAtATime]

Great suggestions.  And yes, absolutely try to stay in her life as long as you can or she seems receptive.   Reality may hit her long after everyone else has stopped making an effort.  She may need a friend then even more than now.

 

And kudos to you and the other neighbors for wanting to help her.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[zimom]

Thanks for all the help.

 

Edited:  removed information to respect privacy.

 

 

Edited March 17, 2016 by zimom

[GAPeachie]

Note on your calendar the 1 mo, 6 mo. 9 mo, 1 yr, 18 mo, 2 yr, etc.  anniversary dates and shoot an email or note over....

 

If you knew her husband, talk to her about him when you are reminded of him and remember him. -- eg, at this years block party:  "I remember last year what a great steak (late husband) cooked."  She is remembering--tell her you are too!  Or at Little League--"I'm sure (late husband) would be so proud to see Johnny playing so well."

 

Yes, yes, yes..... 

 

So many people don't mention the deceased for fear that they will "bring up" the issue.  They are already thinking about their loved one and often times grieve that everyone feels like they have to tippy toe around them.