AimeeM Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 (edited) When I was a child, my parents were therapeutic foster parents for dozens and dozens of children over the years. My mother is in contact (by the choice of the children) with several and is actually close with one of the biological moms of a sibling group my parents raised for several years. One child from her years as a foster parent haunts her. The child was a severely autistic child who was traumatized when he came. He was nonverbal and just such a sad child. My parents had him for years... and over the course of those years that my parents had him he became a loving, affectionate, very verbal child; still obviously special needs, but a joy. My parents wanted to adopt him when they suddenly found out that he had a sibling (it appears to have been a half-sibling that nobody realized existed until adoptions were trying to be processed) - a sister who was also in the system, and who also had foster parents trying to adopt (her). The adoption workers decided that the children needed to be placed together, despite having no bond (and, in fact, having never met before that point). Long story short, the other family had money that my parents didn't and were able to pull some strings - the boy my parents had raised was placed with the other family and he was adopted by the other family, along with the sister. To say that my mother was devastated would be the understatement of the century. Later my mother heard that the family had the boy placed in a home *or* gave him back to the state's welfare agency. In other words, they had never wanted him (suspected regardless) and only kept him long enough to adopt the girl that they wanted. My parents suspect that his behavior deteriorated after he was removed from their home, as he didn't do well with change. My parents were, by that point, done fostering and had fewer connections. My mother was never able to find out what happened to this child and has no clue what his name is now (was it changed with the adoption... or not because he was eventually placed back with social services or in a home), but has his original name. She would like to find out what happened to him, but his original name is fairly common (when I looked it up, there were dozens and dozens of hits in that area). Is there any way to find him, or at least find out what happened to him? Would it be unethical of my mother to do so? Edited January 13, 2016 by AimeeM 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I don't know how one goes about this but I know people who've tracked down adopted family members. :grouphug: If I were her I would want to try as well. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 How heart wrenching! I hope your mom is able to find him, and that things went better for him than she fears. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I think she should look. He would probably be thrilled if she found him. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I don't think I could give a flying fruit tingle about ethics in this situation, but I have a particularly soft spot in my heart for those sorts of boys. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I'd absolutely look. It sounds like she was as close to a real mother as he had and the possibility of a relationship with him now could be a huge blessing to them both. Try tracking him down and if he wants nothing to do with the family then go okay, but that is a choice he should be allowed to make. It sounds like he doesn't have much ability for this sort of hunt on his end, so as far as I'm convinced it is an *ethical* thing to try and find him and at least offer the information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gisel_le Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I would look. I don't think it is unethical. We fostered, and I have every intention of looking up a sibling group we had. I will wait until they are adults and probably won't contact them. I saved pertinent information that will make it easy for me to find them as long as they are in the US still. Good luck and hugs to your mama. I know the heartbreak she is feeling. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 That poor child...and your poor mom. My question is just what happens if/when your mom does find him? Does she want some kind of ongoing relationship with him now? You're talking about contacting someone with significant issues. If she's not wanting to be part of his life again on a regular basis, what will contacting him "to see what's happened" do to HIM? Will he understand, or will it just tear his heart apart again? I'm certainly not saying don't do it. I'd just hate so see more pain. What happened to that child and your family is just plain cruel. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 My aunt and uncle looked up a child that they had removed from the because they were treating him too much like their own and the social worker in charge was working hard for reunification with his mother. Long story short reunification never happened and they were never given the chance to adopt him, but they consider him their child as an adult and he is part of their family. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I don't think it's unethical. Does she have any useful information besides his name--birth date, docket number for court (though if the adoption was finalized, he may have been given a new docket number when handed back into the system; still it would be a way to connect his court records to him). She would probably need to have an ally or two within the CPS agency for it to get anywhere. Is he still a minor child? An attorney experienced in working in those courts would be able to advise her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 my only thought here is, is your mother in a fragile place? Suppose he has passed away? Suppose he in dire straights. Either would be incredibly painful, of course. But is there any chance it would be too much of a blow to look and find horrifying news? If not, i agree with everyone else. Find him! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 That poor child...and your poor mom. My question is just what happens if/when your mom does find him? Does she want some kind of ongoing relationship with him now? You're talking about contacting someone with significant issues. If she's not wanting to be part of his life again on a regular basis, what will contacting him "to see what's happened" do to HIM? Will he understand, or will it just tear his heart apart again? I'm certainly not saying don't do it. I'd just hate so see more pain. What happened to that child and your family is just plain cruel. I don't really know. I imagine that she wants him to know that somebody loved him, loves him, and wanted him - for him, not for any other reason than that he was a part of someone's heart, in the event that the child DIDN'T have a good life after he left. If he did end up in a happy place, then I guess just to let him know that more people loved him. I have no doubt that my mother would help him in any way she could if he needed ongoing support or help. My father, too, for that matter, even though my parents are now divorced. They've helped several of their former foster children once they became adults. This one would be more so because they formed a strong parent/child bond with this particular child. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 my only thought here is, is your mother in a fragile place? Suppose he has passed away? Suppose he in dire straights. Either would be incredibly painful, of course. But is there any chance it would be too much of a blow to look and find horrifying news? If not, i agree with everyone else. Find him! Unfortunately, if he is in dire straights as in "in trouble," my parents are pretty used to that. Many of their former fosters ended up in jail as adults... but that didn't stop them from trying to help or seeking resources or just plain saying, "Hey, I love you, straighten up - what do you need to do that?". If he's in dire straights regarding a living situation or something similar, I would caution her to be careful, because she doesn't know him very well as an adult, and knowing my mother she would immediately try to help in whatever way she could, even to her detriment (she's disabled and not in great health). If he passed away she would be devastated... but not knowing is eating away at her, I think. She mentions him more and more over the past year or two. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 I don't think it's unethical. Does she have any useful information besides his name--birth date, docket number for court (though if the adoption was finalized, he may have been given a new docket number when handed back into the system; still it would be a way to connect his court records to him). She would probably need to have an ally or two within the CPS agency for it to get anywhere. Is he still a minor child? An attorney experienced in working in those courts would be able to advise her. No, he isn't a minor. He's a few years younger than me (I'm 31). I'm sure she has his birthdate. No court docket numbers (she was "frozen out" once he was placed with the new family). She has nobody still in DSS that she can contact. This was a long time ago, frankly. Other foster parents washed out like my parents did and at the time (and one of the reasons they quit) case workers were a dime a dozen, changed constantly, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I think she should try to find him, and once she knows a bit about his situation, she can decide whether or not to contact him. I think he would be so happy to know that she cares about him even after all these years. But one thing -- can you find him first and make sure he is not potentially dangerous to your mom? Many years have passed and if he is now some sort of violent criminal or something like that, it might be best if your mom doesn't get in touch with him. I know he's probably still a nice person and that I sound totally paranoid, but depending on his circumstances and influences over the past several years, you can't tell for sure, and I would hate to see your mom end up regretting her decision to find him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 I think she should try to find him, and once she knows a bit about his situation, she can decide whether or not to contact him. I think he would be so happy to know that she cares about him even after all these years. But one thing -- can you find him first and make sure he is not potentially dangerous to your mom? Many years have passed and if he is now some sort of violent criminal or something like that, it might be best if your mom doesn't get in touch with him. I know he's probably still a nice person and that I sound totally paranoid, but depending on his circumstances and influences over the past several years, you can't tell for sure, and I would hate to see your mom end up regretting her decision to find him. If I could find him before she does, I would absolutely check his criminal record first. I will say that I sincerely doubt my mother would decide not to contact him, even if he has a record. A number of their former fosters have been to jail for violent crimes and that didn't stop my parents from being in contact with them... but I'll note that in those cases, the crimes often occurred shortly after they were booted from the system and they had turned themselves around pretty significantly by the time my parents had contact with them again. And you aren't being paranoid. It isn't uncommon (at all, unfortunately) for children kicked around in the system to come out dazed, confused, and very, very angry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 So...given how long ago it is, they might need to hire a private investigator maybe? Finding him after that long will be challenging, especially if he moved out of state at some point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 So...given how long ago it is, they might need to hire a private investigator maybe? Finding him after that long will be challenging, especially if he moved out of state at some point. That's my problem :( If the number of men with his name, that fit his age, are in just that region of NC, if he moved out of state? It would definitely be private investigator territory, not mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 I don't think I could give a flying fruit tingle about ethics in this situation, but I have a particularly soft spot in my heart for those sorts of boys. Agree. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.