AimeeM Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 (edited) Today my husband received a call from my FIL's eucharistic minister, who dropped by FIL's house to give communion. This eucharistic minister also happens to be married to DH's cousin, so he called DH to let him know that it seems FIL hasn't ate in about 3 days (lack of appetite). Apparently Dad also had a visit from his home-health nurse as well, but wouldn't talk to DH about it yet (it was a temp nurse, who likely advised FIL to stop working - which his regular doctor and nurses know better than to do). The little DH got out of Dad also indicates that the cancer may have spread even more. DH's cousin also indicated that Dad didn't look good overall - at all. Me and the kids will likely be heading up there in about a week to stay with Dad for the duration. DH will be following shortly for as many four-day weekends as he can pull off (his office is generally pretty understanding about these things). This could be short-term for a few weeks, or as long-term as months. I'm not sure. Obviously, I hope it's for months, because that means Dad... well, it means he's still alive. I don't know how to explain this to DS6 and DS3. DS6 is naturally an anxious child who, if you've read another post of mine, is already terrified of losing me, since the move. He still mourns our late GSD, Luke, who passed away two years ago (mourns him as in cries for him). He is definitely our sensitive child. He has his faith to lean on, which is a blessing, but he still occasionally asks if we can have Luke back, which indicates to me that he doesn't quite understand the concept of death. I know we need to talk to him prior to going to FIL's. I have no clue HOW, though. Maybe ask our parish priest (who is awesome with children)? Edited January 1, 2016 by AimeeM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 (Hugs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 No advice - sorry - but I can send :grouphug: . (Your kids are too young for me to have any suggestions. I trust those who are more used to working with that age will offer their thoughts.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonesinIndiana Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 In our family we have a "need to know basis" for our anxious kiddo. Basically, it is letting the child know just enough info, right before the event. For example, my child had a series of dental appointments that I would tell her as we were getting ready to go, usually as we were driving in the car. This worked for us because she had less time to worry and obsess. I would tell her that I am a good strong mommy that makes good decisions and that I will her keep safe. (We also limited tv news and disaster type shows, like shark week or natural disaster documentaries, even if they're educational.) Now for this situation, I would rely on your faith. As you are getting ready, (don' t know if you're driving or flying) but as you are traveling to get there, I would explain about your FIL's health, that he is very ill, he may not speak, he may look different than the last time your son saw him, etc. Reassure your child that you will be there with him, you're not going anywhere, Grampa lived a long, good life and he loves us all very much but he is very sick. I wouldn't talk about Grampa dying without mentioning how sick he is and heaven and how Grandpa will be healed in heaven. Have a few Bible verses that offer assurance. One of my favorites is Psalm 46:10 a Be still and know that I am God. (I am not familiar with your history with your son or FIL, so I am sorry if this info isn't helpful.) We just went through this 3 times in the past year, with my sister, mom, and dad dying. At the end with my dad, we didn't have my girls (ages12 and 10) visit him. He had Alzheimer's and he was saying inappropriate things, and he wouldn't have known them anyway. We did tell my girls there would be lots of crying, but laughter too as we remember the good times with my dad. This helped prepare them for the funeral and viewing. Can you limit your son's time with your FIL? Or have him nearby, in another room while you are there? I would recommend that you do what is best for your son, your husband, and you in this situation. Don't let the extended family pressure you into doing something that goes against what your gut tells you is right for your son. God bless you during this difficult time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 Aimee-- So sorry your FIL is getting worse so quickly. For your anxious kiddo, would it help him to have something concrete to do--perhaps a series of jobs that are his? For instance, it could be his job to take the newspaper to FIL every morning... bring FIL a three o'clock snack... or whatever, just some little things that might help him feel involved but are routine and predictable enough for him to feel some sense of control in what is going to be an up and down situation. Hugs to all of you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 In our family we have a "need to know basis" for our anxious kiddo. Basically, it is letting the child know just enough info, right before the event. I understand that this approach is probably easier much of the time, and it may be the right approach for some kids, but for my anxious kid, this would be a death nail in our relationship and trust. In other words, Aimee, I'd think about what's the right approach in terms of information - he's young but he'll likely remember this because it's a big event. It may be that you want to limit information, but be sure that it's not in a way where he'll later feel like you lied to him about how sick his grandfather was or that you withheld time he might have had to help or say goodbye. When we were losing a grandparent and my kids were not much older than that, a children's grief specialist friend gave me some advice, including... * don't use the word "sick" for younger kids - people get "sick" all the time and it may increase the anxiety around routine illnesses, either for the child or of people in the child's life - instead say "disease" or, in this case, "cancer." * be sure to say that it's not the child's fault - this is the sort of thing that seems super obvious to adults (duh, how could this cancer be his fault!) but young kids make strange connections - this turned out to be something my kids needed to hear after their grandfather died and as soon as they heard it, they were like, well, yeah, obviously, but they still needed to hear it * be sure to reassure them that you and dh and siblings are all healthy and don't have that disease nor will you likely have it any time in his childhood, but also explain that if anything did happen that there's a plan for him - people in his life would take care of him * kids often swing between happy and sad and angry much faster than adults, which is normal and can be very amplified during times of grief There are lots of good children's books about death. If you're able to swing by a library and get some, I especially like Badger's Parting Gifts (this one is not specifically Christian but I think fits in fine for Christian families - there's a strong sense of heaven in the book), but there are others out there. I second giving him things to do to make him feel like he's part of the process of being there and not an extra burden on you. One thing he might do is put together pictures of him and grandfather - that might be something your older dd could help him do - make a memory book, including while he's right there. My boys did this and their grandfather got to read it and it was very special. :grouphug: I hope things go better than you're anticipating - both for your ds and for your fil. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 I understand that this approach is probably easier much of the time, and it may be the right approach for some kids, but for my anxious kid, this would be a death nail in our relationship and trust. In other words, Aimee, I'd think about what's the right approach in terms of information - he's young but he'll likely remember this because it's a big event. It may be that you want to limit information, but be sure that it's not in a way where he'll later feel like you lied to him about how sick his grandfather was or that you withheld time he might have had to help or say goodbye. When we were losing a grandparent and my kids were not much older than that, a children's grief specialist friend gave me some advice, including... * don't use the word "sick" for younger kids - people get "sick" all the time and it may increase the anxiety around routine illnesses, either for the child or of people in the child's life - instead say "disease" or, in this case, "cancer." * be sure to say that it's not the child's fault - this is the sort of thing that seems super obvious to adults (duh, how could this cancer be his fault!) but young kids make strange connections - this turned out to be something my kids needed to hear after their grandfather died and as soon as they heard it, they were like, well, yeah, obviously, but they still needed to hear it * be sure to reassure them that you and dh and siblings are all healthy and don't have that disease nor will you likely have it any time in his childhood, but also explain that if anything did happen that there's a plan for him - people in his life would take care of him * kids often swing between happy and sad and angry much faster than adults, which is normal and can be very amplified during times of grief There are lots of good children's books about death. If you're able to swing by a library and get some, I especially like Badger's Parting Gifts (this one is not specifically Christian but I think fits in fine for Christian families - there's a strong sense of heaven in the book), but there are others out there. I second giving him things to do to make him feel like he's part of the process of being there and not an extra burden on you. One thing he might do is put together pictures of him and grandfather - that might be something your older dd could help him do - make a memory book, including while he's right there. My boys did this and their grandfather got to read it and it was very special. :grouphug: I hope things go better than you're anticipating - both for your ds and for your fil. I want to second what Farrar wrote. We got this same advice from a child psychiatrist when my DH's father died when our oldest was about 6. We used the name of the disease instead of sick or ill. We did tell him who would take care of him if something were to happen to us. And we made sure he knew it wasn't his fault. I didn't realize he might have that feeling, and I don't think he realized that he had that in the back of his head, but he did find it reassuring. Hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 I am so, so sorry. I have no advice, but just wanted you to know you are in my prayers this new year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 1, 2016 Author Share Posted January 1, 2016 (edited) Thanks everyone. I think I'd like to steer clear of mentioning anything about being "sick." Or frame it correctly. This is also my son who has medical issues of his own (heart, lung, vascular). While DS is stable, and right now he doesn't think anything of his relatively frequent visits to the local children's hospital, I can't imagine what would go through his head IF he did suddenly connect the doctors/nurses/lab techs in an out of Pop Pop's house with his own frequent exposure to doctors, nurses, and lab techs. For some reason, I can't imagine him being able to understand the difference between "sick, but the doctors can help" vs. "sick and going to live in heaven with Mother Mary and God." At least not without becoming anxious about it, while trying to determine the difference each and every time from now on. A job while we're there is a wonderful idea for him. He is a helper through and through. Edited January 1, 2016 by AimeeM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 I would probably consult with a therapist, partially because of the complicating factors in this situation (son's anxiety about losing you and his own sickness). I know time is short, but perhaps a phone or internet consult? That might be better anyway, as you and/or son could continue to talk with them after you leave. The priest could certainly be a fine idea also, but some specific advice and strategies might really help. Plus it lays the groundwork in case son does get so anxious that he needs to talk to someone. Do you know people there who can help with the boys as FIL gets sicker/weaker? Get them out of the house for breaks, or when things are particularly bad? I don't want to add to your pile of worries, but the end stages of cancer can be pretty horrific, and I would want to know that someone could take the kids as needed. It sounds like home health is already in place, which is great. Best of luck to you and your family. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barnwife Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 I am so sorry you are going through this. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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