Acknowledging something nice done by someone who is usually not nice..would you?

[Ginevra]

For the sake of some privacy, I'm leaving out the details, but let's say there's a person close in my circle whom I generally dislike a lot. Someone who is often mean as a snake and with whom I interact as little as I can manage. However, this person did just send a card to my son for his birthday and this person wrote something very decent and kind in the card. DS needs encouragement a lot and this was exactly what I would have wanted to say, but it would just be Mom talking had I said it to him. It was extremely fortuitous that she said exactly what I wanted him to hear.

 

I almost sent her a message to tell her how much I appreciate it and that it was just exactly what he needs to hear right now. But I hesitate because...well, because I don't like her. I don't want it to seem like a truce or olive branch and I have way too much very bad history with this person to let her in about what DS needs. KWIM? And I am always too eager to make nice with others and, TBH, I want the wall there.

 

But it would be decent to tell her how much it meant to me. But I don't want the exposure...

 

In any case, DS will write a thank you, because there was a gift with the card. But would you give a personal thanks to the person? Or should I just wallow in my bitterness over her? ;) Only kidding a little bit.

[Chris in VA]

I get what you are saying.

 

Part of me would say to you--

 

Sometimes the icky people need someone to say something nice about them, because they hear it so rarely.

 

But probably, you'd do best to keep the wall up.

 

That's really hard for me to say.

[Slache]

If you see her regularly I would mention it in passing. That would be sincere without too much exposure.

[Guest]

Yes. I would thank her.

 

You can still totally wallow in bitterness, no worries ;-)

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I tend to say something in person when someone does such a nice thing for my child. It's really between them and my child so I don't make a big thing about it; just in passing I might say, "Son showed me the lovely card you sent. Thank you so much for encouraging him."

 

I wouldn't see such a remark as a move toward becoming BFFs, or as giving anything more than is due.

[Guest]

Yes. I would thank her.

 

You can still totally wallow in bitterness, no worries ;-)

Oh, thank goodness! I wouldn't want to give that up.

[Danestress]

If she is still in your circle despite your feelings about her, I'm assuming you're sort of obligated to have some sort of minimal relationship with her. So if you have to interact with her at all, you might as well reach out and tell her how great her card was. It can't hurt. If you were in a position to cut her out of your life because of her past behavior I would feel differently .

[Liz CA]

She probably knows that you make a wide berth around her so surprise her by just adding to your son's thank you card something like: "Really appreciated your encouraging thoughts.." Or email it / text it. Don't know the details obviously but only you can assess if it would it really open the door to more (unwanted) exposure?

[bolt.]

I would thank her in a normal not-gushy way, without details, but acknowledging her kindness.

 

I also have an aquaintenceship (at church in my case) who is adversarial towards me, but very kind and open with my kids. I think she is a better person when she is interacting with people (kids) who are inherently unthreatening -- which leads me to regard her with sympathy if she feels constantly 'threatened-ish' in her adult relationships.

 

Even though I neither like her, nor trust her -- I'd thank her for a thoughtful act towards my child. I definitely wouldn't 'let her in' though. She's been catty often enough for long enough that I'd be foolish to ignore the precident.

[Guest]

She probably knows that you make a wide berth around her so surprise her by just adding to your son's thank you card something like: "Really appreciated your encouraging thoughts.." Or email it / text it. Don't know the details obviously but only you can assess if it would it really open the door to more (unwanted) exposure?

This is probably the best thing for me to do. I'm going to sleep on it so it will not come off as too gushy.

[redsquirrel]

I would thank her, prob in person, if it is someone you see regularly. I would make it not too thankful though. Maybe something like, "Oh hey, I happened to see that card you sent DS. That was so kind of you, I really appreciate it." Then you are out of there

 

BUT I would NOT say anything like "He really needed to hear that' or 'I would have said the same thing" etc. I feel like that is handing her an opening or power.

[SKL]

I'd probably send her a brief email to let her know it was acknowledged and appreciated.

[Guest]

I would thank her in a normal not-gushy way, without details, but acknowledging her kindness.

 

I also have an aquaintenceship (at church in my case) who is adversarial towards me, but very kind and open with my kids. I think she is a better person when she is interacting with people (kids) who are inherently unthreatening -- which leads me to regard her with sympathy if she feels constantly 'threatened-ish' in her adult relationships.

 

Even though I neither like her, nor trust her -- I'd thank her for a thoughtful act towards my child. I definitely wouldn't 'let her in' though. She's been catty often enough for long enough that I'd be foolish to ignore the precident.

Interesting insights. This may even be a similar behavioral profile here.

[RioSamba]

I would wait until the next time I had reason to interact with her, then I would say or write, "Thank you for remembering DS' birthday." Just slip it into the conversation or email. If it's live and in person, be ready with the next topic after she says, "You are welcome."

[SparklyUnicorn]

Might be positive reinforcement for more good behavior in the future. 

 

 

[Katy]

As long as there's not a solid history of passive-aggressive or manipulative behavior from this person, commenting that it was a nice card the next time you see this person would be nice.

 

If there is a manipulative history, I'd personally ignore it but tell DS to give a verbal thanks for the card.

[J-rap]

I would encourage my son to send her thank you note, but I would probably say nothing at all myself.