Nan in Mass Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Gwen,s funeral question reminded me that if you have a student who is going to be living somewhere other than home, you might want to think through how much you are going to insulate them from family problems. If their aunt dies in the middle of their final exams, do you tell them? Or wait a few days? Will they be grateful not to be disturbed? Or will they feel betrayed and be forever wondering if there is something bad going on that they don,t know about? You all may change your mind about something when it actually occurs, but I can tell you from experience that as the parent, it is easier to make these decisions if you have discussed it beforehand and have some idea how the student feels about it. An easy time to do this would be when you are discussing the forms your student has to sign in order to give a parent access to their academic information or health information. Just in case... Nan 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 We ran into this last school year on a much smaller scale when the family pet was killed. He went missing on a Monday, we found him on Wednesday, and we had Friday open to drive to the school and tell dd in person. I felt awful not telling her those 2-3 days b/t finding him and telling her in person. I was concerned that she'd be angry or hurt that we didn't tell her (it felt dishonest), but I didn't want to tell her and not be able to give her a hug. Also, I was afraid she'd think it was silly of us to travel out there just for that. I agree that things might play out differently should anything happen, but it's good to discuss it ahead of time. Thanks, Nan. Wise advice, as usual. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 We have a young friend whose family was trying to give him time to finish an exam and he found out on Facebook that his father died. It's not always possible to keep things quiet for even a few hours anymore. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Yes, I agree that you need to discuss this up front. My mother was NOT good at this. I had a beloved great aunt that was in hospice with only days left. I told my mother than I had an exam first thing Monday morning, and not to call if she died until I was done. Mom called at 3am Monday morning and wanted me to leave right then, which of course I could not do because that school had no make-ups. Not a happy memory! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Good topic Nan! I'm wishing we had talked before dropping them off. Gramma was in the hospital the week before they left. (As in she has been home a week.) It looks like she may have to go back again. She is that anemic. State girl will be fine either way. Campbell girl has a special place in her heart for Gramma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian (a lady) Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 We have a young friend whose family was trying to give him time to finish an exam and he found out on Facebook that his father died. It's not always possible to keep things quiet for even a few hours anymore. I think there is a difference between extended family and a parent. I don't know how you can not be upset at the death of a parent, especially if it's unexpected. But it is also just about impossible to keep stuff like this quiet on social media. (There have been some really good columns written by military wives who found out from Facebook postings that their husbands were missing and then that the search had been called off. There is supposed to be an in person notification by the military. Even though the military reps were there as soon as they could be, they couldn't outrace social media.) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 they couldn't outrace social media I think this is it in a nutshell. Even if it's the family pet, you pretty much have to not tell anyone, or someone will post a comforting message about all dogs going to heaven. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 I don,t think there is an "even" when it comes to some students and their dog (or whatever). Some I know would rather lose just about anybody else. I,d be really careful not to underestimate those pets. I think for some, the pet is the student,s family at a time when they know they are feeling that they no longer belong in their original family. Just in case... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen in VA Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 We held off telling older dd about younger dd's diagnosis with a serious physical condition. Telling her immediately wouldn't have changed anything, and dd1 was in the middle of final exams. (The delay was only about 48 hours.) Since older dd was leaving straight for Holland for six weeks with no time at home, we all drove out to tell her in person and have a quick family visit. Older dd always respected how we dealt with that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamee Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Yes, please ask your kids how they want this dealt with. As an adult, my brother and I are STILL trying to get through to my parents that we want to be told when such things happen and that they won't be "ruining" our whatever. That it is worse when we find out after the fact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 We went thru this with DS23 who was in college when my father died suddenly. It was not during finals, but school was intense at the time. Facebook beat us to it though - someone in the family posted about it before we could talk to DS about his grandpa. These days, you can't really guarantee that you are the one who gets to break the news. It worked out OK - DS23 had a great support group in his friends at school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Nan, this is a really important subject. The reality is that due to Facebook and the fact that it is hard for students to stay off social media because so many schools use it for announcements, and professors use it for contacting students, it is going to make it really hard to keep things like this under wraps. So, I think a discussion ahead of time is a wise idea. If the student doesn't want to know during Finals, then they are going to have to find a way to stay off social media and maybe even email and possibly even not answer their cell phones except for calls from mom and dad. I found out in college that a relative died by mail. My parents were keeping it on the down low because I had a very, very important piano recital coming up and a competition. Short of my own death, there was about no way to get out of these things. But, someone from my home town saw the obituary in the newspaper, cut it out, and mailed it to me. GRRRRR....and it was hard not to let it be a distraction at a time when my scholarships were on the line depending on these performances. I didn't appreciate it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 We ran into this last school year on a much smaller scale when the family pet was killed. He went missing on a Monday, we found him on Wednesday, and we had Friday open to drive to the school and tell dd in person. I felt awful not telling her those 2-3 days b/t finding him and telling her in person. I was concerned that she'd be angry or hurt that we didn't tell her (it felt dishonest), but I didn't want to tell her and not be able to give her a hug. Also, I was afraid she'd think it was silly of us to travel out there just for that. I agree that things might play out differently should anything happen, but it's good to discuss it ahead of time. Thanks, Nan. Wise advice, as usual. We experienced similar when we put our dog down last year, just as dd was gearing up for a big test in a hard class. We kept it completely silent, no social media posts, nothing. I told her about it the following week. It was weird, but by then, we were in a different place in our grief, and I didn't feel like positing anything by the time she learned about it. I'd still do it the same way over again. It was a sad time, and I would not want her distracted from that test. Some things are easier to keep silent for awhile. Obviously, other things aren't, and the student should be told immediately. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I had this situation when I was in college and my parents withheld the death of a family friend from me until after finals week. I won't say I was betrayed because the deceased was not that close of a friend. But I was peeved that they thought I was so delicate that I couldn't handle it, and I was also somewhat troubled by the fact that they would withhold that information in the event that this could have been someone very close to me. So thanks for the reminder to get my kids' opinions on this when they head off to college. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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