8 Year Old Drama. Help!

[MEVmom]

I have serious issues with my 8 yr old DD when it comes to her emotions. She's been like this since the beginning: easily frustrated, falls apart, melts down, etc. Anytime she doesn't want to do something or thinks it's too hard, she comes undone. And this is regardless of any amount of consequences or rewards. It's so bad DH and I are considering counseling if things haven't improved by the end of this year. I'm really trying to focus on my relationship with her, and I'm working with her on a cognitive-behavioral workbook for anger.

Math is one of the worst triggers for her. Despite being good at it (A average), math class is just hell. Some days she'll be chipper and we get through it smoothly. But often she seems to decide from the start that she just can't even. I've tried everything. I don't know if I can face another year of battles.

I've been considering switching from Saxon to CLE, just for a change of pace. But tonight I set her down with the placement test, and it did not go well. For one thing, it is long. As soon as she saw it, she was already climbing the walls. It didn't matter that I told her we would just do a few every day. The very first problem absolutely shut her down. She knows how to do it, but apparently "forgot". And she was just DONE. But then when I finally took the test away ("we'll revisit this tomorrow"), she was all mad. "I didn't even get to do one problem!" AHHH shoot me please. The school year hasn't even started and we're already battling.
I've got to find a way to get through this. I'm open to suggestions... except for "just spank her". Please. We've tried it all. For YEARS.

[fairfarmhand]

Have you Read the Explosive Child? (Ross Greene)

[MEVmom]

Yes I read it recently. I liked a lot of things about it... but having a hard time putting it into practice. I have talked to DD about coming up with solutions to the math crisis, but she doesn't have any ideas. And math is a "has to be done" kind of thing. Has it helped in your family?

[Kiara.I]

It has helped here.  The main thing that helped was the concept of a "learning disability" in one of the pathways to do with coping.  I forget how he phrases it exactly.  But have you identified the pathways that are problems for your daughter?

 

It really doesn't sound like the kind of thing rewards and consequences will help with--they're based on the idea that a child will if they WANT to, so you make them want to.  But this sounds more like (as he describes in the book) children will if they CAN.  It sounds like the kind of thing she needs targeted teaching to address.  Knowing which pathway it is will help with that targeting.

 

Counselling might indeed be very helpful, if you can find a counsellor who knows how to target those particular skill sets and help build them.  I don't think that's typical for counselling, though.  Once you've identified the pathways she struggles with, you might need to do some pretty tricky detective work to find out HOW to address those learning needs.

[MEVmom]

Hmmm I don't really remember the pathways thing. Maybe I need to look again. I remember him talking about identifying triggers. But I also remember thinking my DD isn't as predictable as he suggests. The things that are often a problem aren't always a problem. For example, we've recently been teaching her and DS to play catch. One day, she'll go out and try and be fine. The next she seems to decide up front that she can't. And then she won't and it's all kind of drama and meltdowns. If you ask her if she wants a break, she will say no. But if you ask do you want to keep going? Also no. I feel like I'm in a trap.

 

And as you said, I'm overwhelmed by the thought of finding a good counselor....

 

[MEVmom]

I read through your blog posts on "challenging child". It all hits home! I liked the idea about schoolwork contract. My DD wants to do well and she will say she's going to do better. But then things head downhill. And if I start heaping consequences, I can end up losing hours with her just increasingly out of control. What do you do if your child doesn't uphold the terms of the contract?

[Tsuga]

Your daughter sounds so much like mine.

 

My partner has been really good at two things which seem to be extremely helpful. I will not say we are "there". We are not. But we have a coping mechanism or two.

 

1. Effusive praise for coping effectively. Not over-the-top effusive, but sincere and in-depth. "Hon, I really see you growing up here. You took on that challenge, you took a deep breath, and you went for it. It was really mature and I'm glad." or "You could have freaked out but you didn't. I am so proud to see you working at this. And look at how well you did."

 

2. When tantrums start, take a deep breath and walk away. Remove everything which can be destroyed. At the end, "I'm sorry that happened. Let's try this again. I know you can do it."

 

Other things that have helped:

 

Doing things more challenging than math with a teacher, like learning a musical instrument. She gets to enjoy the mastery more because you get more than just one paper--you have a song you can do well. There is a real reward for sticking with things. But it was hell to get there at times. I thought she would break the piano. But seriously this seems to be helping. 

 

Sending her outside. Obviously not in sub-zero temperatures or sweltering heat, but sometimes she just needs fresh air and I need to be away from the screams / whining to collect myself.

 

We have seen a big change in the last year although she is definitely the most dramatic and sometimes it is just exhausting. But at least now we have good nights as well as bad ones. I think a lot has to do with my partner's ability to totally disconnect and rinse-repeat more effectively. He is modeling that for me and it's helpful.

 

I hope you find something that works. I don't think there's a magic solution. I don't believe in parenting advice that begins with "just", either. Some people are harder to be around at times.

[Kiara.I]

Hmmm I don't really remember the pathways thing. Maybe I need to look again. I remember him talking about identifying triggers. But I also remember thinking my DD isn't as predictable as he suggests. The things that are often a problem aren't always a problem. For example, we've recently been teaching her and DS to play catch. One day, she'll go out and try and be fine. The next she seems to decide up front that she can't. And then she won't and it's all kind of drama and meltdowns. If you ask her if she wants a break, she will say no. But if you ask do you want to keep going? Also no. I feel like I'm in a trap.

 

He talks about it in the same chapter as the triggers.

The pathways he lists are:

Executive skills (including 1. Shifting cognitive set; 2. organization and planning; 3. separation of affect)

Language processing skills

Emotion regulation skills

Cognitive flexibility skills

Social skills

 

I read through the whole thing and couldn't identify my son in them.  But then one anecdote at the back of the book was *EXACTLY* one of the types of things that would set my son off.  So that's how I identified one of them.  When I'd read through the chapter, I'd nodded and read, and nodded and read...but hadn't really understood what those things referred to.  I needed a concrete example to help me out.

 

So you might be seeing unpredictable triggers, but it might be the same *pathway* in all of them, you know?  And of course some children have issues in more than one pathway, so you might see two of them.

But both the situations you described look like similar triggers to me.  There is a skill to practice that she feels is challenging.  Some days, she's up to the challenge.  Some days, for whatever reason, she isn't.  Both math and playing catch fit in that same category. 

 

I just had a look at Dr. Greene's site, and he's got some resources for maybe helping you to identify which of the skills she needs some extra scaffolding in.  http://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents

[MEVmom]

So do you give any consequences for tantrum behavior? Or just move on once it's over? I'm having a really hard time with this aspect because I feel uncomfortable with the way DD expresses her frustration/rage. On the other had, if I begin dishing out consequences, things can really spiral out of control.

 

[Kiara.I]

So do you give any consequences for tantrum behavior? Or just move on once it's over? I'm having a really hard time with this aspect because I feel uncomfortable with the way DD expresses her frustration/rage. On the other had, if I begin dishing out consequences, things can really spiral out of control.

 

Me?  No, not generally.  If he's hurt a sibling or something I ask him to apologize.

I'm not a huge fan of consequences after the fact in general.  It never helps me perform better, and I haven't seen it help my children perform better either.  Therefore, I don't really think it's an effective system.

 

Are you wondering about consequences to help her know that it wasn't appropriate?

Does she seem confused about that?  I mean, after she calms down, does she know the way she behaved was a problem?

[MEVmom]

Yeah she knows although sometimes it takes a while to get through the blaming everyone else stage...

[fairfarmhand]

I read through your blog posts on "challenging child". It all hits home! I liked the idea about schoolwork contract. My DD wants to do well and she will say she's going to do better. But then things head downhill. And if I start heaping consequences, I can end up losing hours with her just increasingly out of control. What do you do if your child doesn't uphold the terms of the contract?

 

I don't help her with the issues she's asking for help with. That means that school drags on and on. Yes, it stinks for me, but it only takes afew times before I saw EFFORT being expended in holding it together.

 

And the contract means I don't have to lecture. She starts falling in the floor, I just get up and leave the room. And she still doesn't get her math done. Which means she can't move on to TV, games, etc.

 

I did give my kid points when I could see her trying to be respectful, even if it wasn't perfect.

 

Have you tried marker board math?

 

Letting her work all her problems on a markerboard, call out the answer and then move to the next one? This really helps my math phobic, perfectionists because all evidence of a mistake can be wiped away. Also, she gets immediate feedback on whether the problem was right or wrong.

 

She still will need lots of handholding at age 8. You may need to sit right there with her and say, "Ok, what's the next step?' for aqhile yet.

[fairfarmhand]

So do you give any consequences for tantrum behavior? Or just move on once it's over? I'm having a really hard time with this aspect because I feel uncomfortable with the way DD expresses her frustration/rage. On the other had, if I begin dishing out consequences, things can really spiral out of control.

 

I try to teach my dd to practice self soothing behaviors before she gets to the crazy stage.

 

And we talked and talked about this when we were all calm. "You know, when people get all emotional and upset about stuff, they really can't learn things well. So if you start getting wound up in math, why not go outside and swing or jump on the trampoline for a few minutes. Perhaps that will calm your feelings down so they won't get in the way of learning."

 

Consequences for tantrums (screaming, crying) never reallyhelped. By the time my dd was in meltdown mode, she was beyond caring about consequences. So I tend to try to help her find appropriate ways of dealing with meltdowns (we only cry in our rooms. Noone else wants to hear that. I understand how upset you are but it's unfair for the rest of the house to have to listen to it) until they pass. now if she damages stuff or says hurtful things, then we make amends. But screaming and crying are just like socially inappropriate ways of dealing with anger and frustration, not actually being disobedient or mean.

[Tsuga]

So do you give any consequences for tantrum behavior? Or just move on once it's over? I'm having a really hard time with this aspect because I feel uncomfortable with the way DD expresses her frustration/rage. On the other had, if I begin dishing out consequences, things can really spiral out of control.

The consequence is that I won't be around it. If I must be inside (dinner on stove, or when her sister was a baby) then she goes outside. Otherwise I go outside to relax. That is the consequence: total removal of engagement. Nothing else worked anyway.

[sweetpea3829]

I have a son that tends to melt down and escalate into anger/frustration quite easily.  One of the posters mentioned sending your daughter outside.

 

I second this...when my son begins to escalate, I immediately ask him to practice deep breathing.  Make your belly big and round while breathing in deeply and blow out gently.  He almost always escalates past this point too quickly.  When he does escalate beyond this point...he gets to a level of frustration where he can't breathe well at all.  For about a year or so, I have had a lot of success with him by sending him outside to run a lap in our field.  It is a little less than a quarter mile and it forces him to take those calming breathes that you need to take in order to calm down. Its kind of hard to scream and cry and hyperventilate when you are running.  Almost always, he is calm when he comes back to the house.  

 

 

Another thing you might want to consider is signing her up for karate...tai chi if you can find a good instructor nearby!  We explained our son's anger struggles with his instructor and his instructor has, in turn worked with him on anger management and deep breathing.  For our son, his struggles come in dealing with his intense emotional response to frustrations.  Angry outbursts are something we've never really tolerated in our home, but for him, that means he doesn't have that outlet to vent frustration.  So instead, he gets more and more upset.  That's the area that we are working on, and that's where the karate and tai chi really comes in handy.  

 

 

 

[mama mills]

My 8 year old is so very much like yours. I have read The Explosive child and many other books along the same lines. I am still trying to figure it out the best way to help him. We are also considering counseling because it seems like nothing works. Yesterday we decided to try and up his intake of vitamin B12 to see if that helps him at all.

 

You mentioned math specifically so here is what helped our math. My son would scream, cry, fight, throw pencils at the mention of math. Until we tried Math U See. Most days we are able to do 1 or 2 pages of a lesson. If it looks like there is more than 2 pages of work he won't do it no matter what I try. Each lesson has 3 practice pages and 3 review pages so he only has do as many as it takes for him to understand the concept. There is not a lot on the pages and having a Dvd that he can watch with me and the blocks to help him if he gets stuck all seem to be good things. If you haven't looked into it maybe it is something to try. It has helped us in the math area. I am still searching for the right fit in other subjects...

[MEVmom]

Thank you all! I am still really working on just ignoring and walking away. In the past I have felt that I have to constantly stay on top of everything and I think that added more conflict. It's just hard because I feel like I have to take a action or I'm being permissive. But I'm learning that she just needs more leeway to express her feelings. I have to just let her be upset, when what I really want is to shut it down. The real difficulty is in establishing the line between releasing your anger and just going way too far. That's what we're working on.

[fairfarmhand]

. In the past I have felt that I have to constantly stay on top of everything and I think that added more conflict. It's just hard because I feel like I have to take a action or I'm being permissive. But I'm learning that she just needs more leeway to express her feelings. I have to just let her be upset, when what I really want is to shut it down. The real difficulty is in establishing the line between releasing your anger and just going way too far. That's what we're working on.

 

Do not feel that you have to take immediate action.

 

Warn her ahead of time, when you are both calm. "When you start to get upset, you need to go outside and do x (whatever soothing activity she feels might be helpful). If you fall to pieces, and you are hurtful to me your siblings, or your stuff, you will have to make amends."

 

but when she's mid-storm is not the time to start imposing consequences. Wait till later in the day. "You were very hurtful to me when you said a,b, and c. When we hurt others, we apologise and try to make up for it. Since I am so tired from having to deal with your hurtful words today, i need you to help me with a and b chores."  Or, "Since you tore three pages in your math book, you need to get out the tape and start repairing it."

 

Don't worry about being too permissive. I am pretty sure you are not "permitting" or "tolerating" any of the crap that these kinds of kids can dish out. However, it doesn't seem to be stopping her right? :)  BTDT.

[Targhee]

Have you Read the Explosive Child? (Ross Greene)

Yes, please read this or visit the website LivesIntheBalance.org

 

"Children do well if they can" is a phrase he uses and it completely shifted my view when we come to problems (which we do often). I find myself going back to this book/website to help me get that healthy view when I've lost it to my own frustration.

 

The book title is not what the author wanted. It isn't meant for only kids with serious, diagnosed behavior issues - it's meant for anyone who works with kids that exhibit a problematic behavior, to help them identify the unsolved problems and lagging skills that are at the root of the behavior and then gain those skills and problem solve co-operatively. And it helps you prioritize behaviors in order to address them one at a time.

[Targhee]

Oh, I was so excited to recommend I didn't read further to the fact that you have ready read the book.

 

Another that I am reading right now, which seems to use a lot of the same psychology as Greene does is "Raising a Thinking Pre-teen."

[MEVmom]

Several of you have mentioned sending her to her room/outside/whatever when she is falling apart. This is something I've been doing. However she always views this as a consequence and really blows up when I say "you need to go to your bed". I've explained during calm times that taking a break is not a consequence. During calm times she seems to understand the importance of taking a break. But in the moment, when I send her away, I get a lot of screaming. She will go but not before telling me how mean I am, etc. No matter how much I warn her before hand (if you do x, you will have to leave the room), she always seems shocked when it happens.

[MEVmom]

The "thinking preteen" book looks really good. Added to my Amazon cart!

[fairfarmhand]

Several of you have mentioned sending her to her room/outside/whatever when she is falling apart. This is something I've been doing. However she always views this as a consequence and really blows up when I say "you need to go to your bed". I've explained during calm times that taking a break is not a consequence. During calm times she seems to understand the importance of taking a break. But in the moment, when I send her away, I get a lot of screaming. She will go but not before telling me how mean I am, etc. No matter how much I warn her before hand (if you do x, you will have to leave the room), she always seems shocked when it happens.

 

So what?

 

Seriously, my dd gets angry when I send her to her room, and it makes her mad. In the words of my father in law "She can get glad in the same pants she got mad in."

 

Let her be shocked. Let her scream.

 

I know it's unpleasant, but after raising my own dd for 17 yrs, you have to learn to shrug it off. It's not personal. It's just the way these crazy kids are. I honestly think Jesus could raise my dd and she'd still act like an emotional nutjob.  It's not how well you are parenting. It;s just the way they are.

 

Read the quote in my siggie.

 

Yeah, I came up with that myself.

[73349]

She is a beginner at self-control. So is my DS.

 

Some kids are more advanced at it by this age.(Some can also read the Harry Potter books, knit scarves and use the high dive. Mine is unfortunately too tall and verbal to pass for a four-year-old.) We knew before we brought him home from the hospital that he was high-maintenance even for a newborn.

 

I've come to see that he can no more intuit self-control that he can tying shoelaces: he needs direct instruction in small doses, plus supported practice. And consquences for not having a skill don't teach the skill. We have to work through it: remember that s/he is a beginner; be empathetic in the moment; work gently on the skills. We are going to use Zones of Regulation in second grade.

[Kiara.I]

I've come to see that he can no more intuit self-control that he can tying shoelaces: he needs direct instruction in small doses, plus supported practice. And consquences for not having a skill don't teach the skill. We have to work through it: remember that s/he is a beginner; be empathetic in the moment; work gently on the skills. We are going to use Zones of Regulation in second grade.

 

We're going to try using it in first grade...  And hope.

 

What trips me up often, and I bet the OP runs into this too, is that *sometimes* the self-control seems to work just fine.  So it's extra frustrating when it doesn't.

And that's where I found the Explosive Child book helpful, the idea that the times it works well, it's because the situation isn't a specific trigger for him, for whatever reason.  And other times it is, and therefore the self-control doesn't work well.

[MEVmom]

Yes it is frustrating when it goes well some days and then bam! Even with math, here are days when she comes to the table all chipper and "I love math!" And I'm thinking "am I taking crazy pils?!"

Fairfarmhand, I loved what you said about Jesus could raise my child and she'd still be a handful. Seriously.

I haven't heard of zones of regulation...

[MEVmom]

And I want to say thanks again for understanding. Sometimes other moms can be really judgmental so I appreciate the empathy here.

[fairfarmhand]

And I want to say thanks again for understanding. Sometimes other moms can be really judgmental so I appreciate the empathy here.

 

Yeah. And one thing to keep in mind. Don't see your child's behavior as a reflection of how good of a mother you are. She is the way she is and that's all there is to it. You are probably a great mom with a very challenging child. Take your own ego (said nicely because I had to learn this too, oh about the time my dd was 8) out of it and meet her where she is.  I did a seminar on the WTM online conference and I will PM you the link to my notes. I didn't cover everything in the notes, and they are kind of rough (they are just notes for speaking from) but there is some good information for you in there that will probably help you a TON.

[MEVmom]

Thank you fairfarmhand! I'd love to see the notes. And yes, I'm getting a lot of opportunities to work on my own pride and anger!

[Kiara.I]

And I want to say thanks again for understanding. Sometimes other moms can be really judgmental so I appreciate the empathy here.

 

Ah, that's no fun.

Some of it might depend on the area you live in.  Some areas, the culture leans toward, "You gotta CONTROL your kids!!!" and if you live in that kind of area it could be tough.

And also, in a way-long-ago post you mentioned that you followed a specific book of parenting advice.  If you are surrounded by people who follow that book, yes, you're probably going to run into a lot of judgement.  :(

 

I'm glad you've found here as a place to find help instead of judgement.

[Tiramisu]

I would recommend visiting a doctor and getting the basics checked that can affect behavior, things like hemoglobin and thyroid. It that come out clear I'd an occupational therapy evaluation, especially if you've ever noticed any signs of sensory processing disorder. 

[abba12]

There's obviously some deeper emotional issues at play here, which others have offered better advice about than I could. But, I just want to throw in there, Saxon is a boring, dry, and dull curriculum. I have known even gifted kids who were forced to use it, and just gave up. It works beautifully for some families. But for others, it is the reason the child hates math. 

 

Math is a must do, and this won't deal with the deeper issue, but, to try and deal with this particular trigger in the short term, can you consider putting the math away. Figure out her weaknesses and strengths in math and look at some living math JUST for a few months. Similar to the 'de-schooling' concept, give her a chance to move beyond the negative associations she already has with math. Maybe throw in some Life of Fred? Then, in a few months time when she hopefully hates math a bit less, start a new curriculum which is different to Saxon, which she already associates pretty strongly with failing. I don't have any great suggestions, but I see Math Mammoth and Talking Textbooks being popular for struggling students, and perhaps supplementing with Life of Fred

 

It wont fix the real issue, but it might be a bandaid to a symptom of it you are dreading, until you can get things better dealt with. 

[calihil]

Goodness, this is my 6.5  year old. She is so dramatic and ragey it really wears me out!!!

[pitterpatter]

I don't really have time to jump into this conversation. We're heading out the door for vacation in a few hours.

 

I'm wondering, though, is your DD actually "angry" or are there things that trigger her and she spirals into a meltdown that no amount of threats or consequences can overcome? Like some things you are asking her to do are just mentally/emotionally painful for her? Is there a great intensity to it all?

 

I can describe my DD like you do below, but I would never classify her as an angry child. I would say DD as a very happy child, actually. She definitely has strong outbursts of frustration, as she frustrates very, very easily. DD has been sensitive since birth. When DD was not more than two, she would cry every time we told her her birth story (she'd want us to tell her over and over). This blew us away. How could a two-year-old possible understand the love that new parents possess when beholding their child for the first time to the point of crying about it (we never cried or got teary-eyed when telling the story).

 

"She's been like this since the beginning: easily frustrated, falls apart, melts down, etc."

 

Anyway, we've had some rough times (particularly during school) and I've really had to work on how I react to DD's emotions. I no longer punish her for what seemed at first unacceptable behavior (I try not to anyway...it's difficult, right). I try to stay as calm as possible, have her get up and get a drink, break the spell somehow, and try to get her to talk about whatever is triggering the emotion in a calm, productive way. Then, we search for a way to get around it, if it's impeding progress in our school work. We never "quit" anything. Now, I may mentally modify what we're doing, but I never tell her it wasn't part of the original plan. I don't want her to think she can just quit when the going gets rough. Break yes, quit no.

 

I wish I had more time to talk. DD definitely has something going on behind the scenes, but we haven't yet gotten her evaluated.  She's likely ADHD and dyslexic in addition to whatever "else" she is. For a number of years, we thought she was perhaps gifted in some way. She may be, as she has other attributes not discussed here. Who knows? We just call it her "otherness" for now.

 

I don't know if there is a definite link or it's my imagination, but it does seem to help for her to avoid Red Dye #40. When she intakes a lot of it (mostly at parties), there seems to be a noticeable increase in her intense emotions. Also, growth spurts seem to trigger the rougher times.

[CAtoVA]

This is my oldest DS who is now 11 1/2 and rising 6th grade. He also always has been more "sensitive" and high strung than his younger siblings (from babyhood). He was diagnosed with anxiety disorder two years ago which has shown itself in many school and non school related ways. With school it has been with math and reading comprehension/literary analysis mostly.

 

We have tried several interventions but what has been most fruitful for us the last two years has been nutritional supplements and cognitive behavioral therapy. He has completely lost his math "phobia" and now is more willing to try anything new without all the drama. This may be due to age (maturity), the supplements, the therapy, I don't  know but I do know he is far easier to deal with behaviorally and is a far happier child.

 

I also appreciate hearing from others that have similar issues—the guilt and self-blame have been almost overwhelming for me and my DH at times. It's nice not to feel alone.

[MEVmom]

Yes it is so nice not to feel alone! My DD is a wonderfully affectionate, helpful, generous, and creative child. But the other side of her can be exhausting!

I do plan to change math curriculums just for a break. And I'm still working on how we're going to get through it this year.

[Targhee]

Yes it is so nice not to feel alone! My DD is a wonderfully affectionate, helpful, generous, and creative child. But the other side of her can be exhausting!

I do plan to change math curriculums just for a break. And I'm still working on how we're going to get through it this year.

I call this the "horns and the halo"

[Tsuga]

Yes it is so nice not to feel alone! My DD is a wonderfully affectionate, helpful, generous, and creative child. But the other side of her can be exhausting!

I do plan to change math curriculums just for a break. And I'm still working on how we're going to get through it this year.

Oh, they cut these kids from the same cloth. :) you are definitely not alone.

 

Has she done music? Not to make it easier, but because so many creative people find outlet in this way. More for her, than you. For you... Wine?

[Alte Veste Academy]

I highly recommend Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer? It helped me understand my DD (now almost 11) better than any other book I read (and I feel like I read them all). Honestly, things have been so much easier since I recognized and prioritized her need for her feelings to be heard. I still have expectations and she still has consequences, but the way we relate is much more reflective/relational than confrontational/authoritarian. If I had to sum up our relationship in one word, it would be allies.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Willed-Child-Dreamer-Dana-Spears/dp/0785277005/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top?ie=UTF8

[MEVmom]

That sounds great. Thank you!

[MistyMountain]

This thread is helpful for me to read. I put the explosive child on hold at the library but there us a small wait list. I have a similar child and it is helpful to hear tips and that I am not alone and it is nothing I did.

[KSinNS]

Hugs.

 

Kids are all different, but here are some things we find helpful. My favourite consequence is taking away TV, when necessary. D is often acting out when he is overstimulated, so the consequence makes a point, and improves his behaviour by reducing his overstimulation. Win, win. I don't punish him usually for meltdowns, but I do get him to his room to avoid world war 3. Fresh air also helps, so I do throw him and his sibs outside when the wind starts blowing the wrong way. With school, I keep things very short, and try to stop before the drama starts, even if the lesson isn't done. Better to learn what they can than trigger a fit. I love MUS because of the layout more for my older two. D likes math. With my older two, the drama did improve over time. Not so much with D yet.

 

When the moment strikes, I always try to remember that they are crying "Oh God, the sea is so big and my boat is so small." So I take control of what I can, and get them to a safe quiet place to decompress. This is not easy, and there are days I lose my cool, especially with D. Hang in there.