s/o of fat; relating to kids

[Carrie12345]

How do you (of any size) balance knowledge/concern and kindness with your kids?

 

My older dd is SO much like me, thin kid but big changes in puberty.  She's very well versed in nutrition and healthy choices, but she's also in the stage of having an insatiable appetite.  Our fridge and pantry lean more toward 90/10 for the 80/20 rule, but she's quickly gravitating toward eating more of the junkier stuff and less (but still a decent amount) of the healthier stuff.

 

She's perfectly fine in weight and general health, but my own experience is taking control of my brain.  She's right where I began all of my unhealthy habits that took me more than 20 years to break.  I keep trying to remind myself that she is not me. And that she's half her father (who has a metabolism people would kill for.)  But every time I see her reach for a third helping or buy her own chips/cookies/candy, I'm nearly biting right through my tongue.  I don't know if I'm more afraid of giving her a complex or of the chances of her following my same path!

 

She has shown interest in joining my gym with me, but she's not old enough yet, and you can't out-gym lots of cheeseburgers.

[SparklyUnicorn]

The only thing I can think to do is to not buy junk.  Not saying that is easy or fun, but if it's not there she won't have a choice at least not while at home.

 

 

[Joyofsixreboot]

Hmm. I get it. I was an active thin kid who got lots chubbier in puberty and then overweight from high school on. I see my 16 yo dd following a similar path. I have said nothing to her. I don't think it will stop her eating whole pizzas. What I do try to do is encourage her to continue sports, take walks for a break, help with yard work,etc. and I try to keep "junk" for perhaps Saturday night. At 16 though, and with her own earnings, she can walk to the gas station and buy all the junk she wants. I'm biting my tongue. She's going to have to work that out on her own.

[Chris in VA]

It is hard not to let my food issues overly affect my dd, so I get it.

 

I am ok with a suggestion now and again to fill up on another part of the meal (instead of a 4th slice of pizza, for example). I see my job as providing both the healthy choices and the good example of eating a diverse diet. I know she needs to feel some sense of control, because it's lack of that feeling of control in life that leads to disordered eating.

 

Maybe doing things together if you notice she's eating out of boredom, or buying smaller packages of junk (control the environment?), or offering bigger meals that have more of the healthy components. I know I've taken to offering a salad and two veggies with our meals, and going smaller on the pasta and less cream sauces (alfredo, etc). So we are eating a lot of volume, and a lot of good-tasting foods, but just having smaller portions of the higher calorie or less nutritious stuff. Not low fat, though, but not so much processed carbs.

 

I don't know what the answer is. I do know I had to deal with my own food issues and fears. Still am.

:grouphug:

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's tricky too because at that age they really CAN get that hungry.  Mine is only 13, but man some days it's like he inhales food.  So you just never know what's real hunger and need verses not?  I wouldn't know. 

 

My husband has been overweight most of his life.  Not insanely overweight.  But his family, IMO, set up some very lousy habits.  His mother just overfed him.  She'd just keep piling on the food.  She is still like that.  When we visit it's like I have to start getting nasty about not wanting more food because she doesn't seem to want to take no for an answer.  He was also brought up to finish all of his food.  Restaurants in Germany don't tend to provide ridiculous size portions.  So when he came here he'd feel compelled to finish all of his food in a restaurant.  One day I said you know you don't have to eat all of it.  You can take the leftovers home.  He still has a hard time not doing that.  His mother would get quite nasty if he didn't finish his food, but she'd give him too much.

 

 

[Carrie12345]

Yeah, I definitely don't buy a lot of junk, but she's all over the stuff I do! And then I feel bad when I see her happily plowing through a bag of carrots or sunflower seeds.  Sigh!

 

She's fairly active most of the year, so that's good.  She's said she mostly wants to join the gym b/c she's much less active in the winter (which can be 6 months here.)  She's a smart cookie, so there is a part of me that sees she's not automatically doomed to Mommy's Story!

[LisaKinVA]

We make use of various documentaries (which I pre-watch), and various articles. We discuss what/when/why of nutrition. I get my kids involved with making meals, and we talk about what we should include and why.  We talk about what our bodies need, what we enjoy, and that good food can taste great!  We talk about treats, special foods, etc. and their roles in our life. I am honest about things I experienced and how I've damaged my body, and that I am trying to become more healthy again.

 

I don't look at a scale, I don't ask them to chart their weight or anything. If one of them (usually a pre-pubescent or pubescent child) is having difficult feelings about not fitting their pants or whatever), I tell them NOT to focus on a number on the scale, but how they feel.  My 11yo was recently going through this (it was around our first summer swim season. We talked about being stuck in a hotel for 7 months, not having access to our regular foods and going back to the SAD for those 7 months. We also talked about his age, and the changes his body was going through.  We talked again about nutrition and healthy habits.  That if he was unhappy with how he looked/felt, that he should not diet, per-se, but that being back in our own home, with a good cooking stove, and places to store fresh fruits and veg, we were going back to many of the habits we had back before we moved here.  If he ate more veg, and would eat his veg/egg omeletes, and just made sure he could go outside and ride his bike/jump/run/swim he would probably get back to his "normal" in good time.  He's still a little squishy -- but the squishy now is 100% hormonal pudge that I am not going to worry about.  He is going to start growing soon.  I didn't act concern about his weight, but I did offer support and advice and information when HE was concerned. 

 

My daughter is a different animal. I am concerned with her at times, because she DID stop eating when she was 7 because girls on the summer swim team were calling her fat (she was NOT fat, and no, that is not a mom in denial talking). It took me (and a doctor) awhile to figure out what was going on.  We caught it early -- but I still worry.  My daughter was muscular, and she has an athletic build.  Next to a twig, she will *always* look big. BUT, that does not make her fat.  I do take a stronger approach with her, but that is because I have my own history of food-related illness, and she has leanings the same way.  We talk a LOT (she is now 13 1/2, and there are even more pressures). If I'm worried about her, I pull her aside and tell her I'm worried about her.  She does lie about what she's eating (or not eating), and that is a HUGE red flag.  But, the meals I oversee she eats well.  There are no mysterious trips to the bathroom, and I clean her room out on an impromptu basis (so there is no hiding, either -- I don't tell her that's why I'm cleaning, and I've never brought up binging/purging, but I'm not going to pretend she hasn't been exposed to that concept).

 

Meals are planned around what is good for everyone.  Bread is a condiment -- if kids want seconds of bread/fruit, they get seconds after everything else has been consumed (veg/meat portions in total). My kids are active enough that I trust their food cues.  And we talk about THOSE, too.

 

It may sound like all we do is talk about food -- but we don't.  It doesn't come up on a daily basis, and not even on a weekly basis. I'd say playing and exercise comes up more often.

 

I hope we are doing this right -- because it's not how it was done in my house.  But I suppose we'll see!  

 

 

[Donna]

I try to instill healthy eating habits in my whole family by buying very, very few processed foods (now with the garden coming in there is very little in the house that is processed), all home-cooked meals, providing at least two vegetables at meals, keeping salad fixings, grilled chicken, and fruit in the refrigerator, cooking/baking with healthier alternatives (replacing fats with applesauce and sugars with honey, etc…). I do love to bake and can't always modify recipes but every little bit helps. I also can't be with the older ones every minute and the kids make their own money so can buy any junk they want so I do what I can at home. When we come up with a new, healthier recipe we share it with each other.

 

My dd and I began a habit of walking a few miles together every other day. Not only is it a nice time to talk and enjoy the outdoors but we are getting exercise. I encourage her to find time to do some sort of physical activity daily…might be a walk, jumping on the trampoline, running with a dog, or learning a step from a dance video. 

[kewb]

Weight has been an challenge for my dd since toddlerhood.  She has always been at the top of the chart for height and weight.  I have discussed with her pediatrician and the pediatrician has discussed with dd.  Her growth chart runs parallel.  My pediatrician says cause for true concern is when the height stops and the weight keeps going.  My dd swims competitively.  She is in the pool 4-5 days per week for 2 hours at a time and this maintains her weight. I purchase minimal junk, although as a teenager she can certainly buy what she wants out of the house.  It does not help that her brother is a beanpole while eating enough to feed a small village. 

Our home has always been about nutrition and smart food choices. My dd knows that her weight and food choices are something she will have to be aware of forever. She has to want to be in charge as no one will be able to do it for her.

As a family we focus on how we feel not how much we weigh. None of us need the junk so I make it a point to try not to buy it. I approach it from the standpoint that none of us need it to be healthy as opposed to having it in the house and not allowing dd to have it. 

 

 

[ErinE]

Yeah, I definitely don't buy a lot of junk, but she's all over the stuff I do! And then I feel bad when I see her happily plowing through a bag of carrots or sunflower seeds. Sigh!

 

For junk food, I don't think I'd completely stop buying it. It's good to learn how to consume treats. I would however limit the times I bought it. If we run out of chips, we'll wait until the next scheduled shopping trip to replenish them, otherwise, eat an apple.

 

If we want cookies, make some from scratch. Michael Pollan has said that if you want fries, make them yourself. That way, no food is forbidden, but the hassle of making the food limits the times you can so sure it.

 

Does she get a bowl or plate everytime she eats? My kids would, if they had the choice, gladly eat direct from a bag or box of goodies, but I require them to get a bowl, put a serving in the bowl, and then put away the food before sitting down to eat. For myself, this increases my "mindfulness" of what I'm consuming and I hope it will help the kids as well.

 

I encourage eating at set times: 8 am breakfast, noon lunch, 3:30/4:00 snack, 6:30 dinner. Eating outside these times gets questioned to make sure the child is really hungry. I also ask, "Are you eating because you're hungry or because you're bored?

[SKL]

If she has pocket money and spends it on junk food, then I'd stop providing junk food at home.

 

I was also a skinny kid who started to gain weight during puberty.  I too spent my pocket money on junk food.  I was outside walking or otherwise exercising most of the time I wasn't in school, so that helped, but I got heavy enough that some hillbillies driving by hollered "porka$$" and my dad said I was "getting broad across the beam."  :P  I don't remember whether I decided to eat a little better after that.  Probably not much.

 

One day when I was maybe 22, I suddenly got sick of junk food and never wanted to eat another bite of it.  I lost about 20 lbs in a short time.  Lucky me.  Maybe 10 years later, I got on a health kick with eating and yoga.  It kept me pretty fit until recently (I'm nearing 50).

 

I have a younger sister who has always been heavy, and my parents went through the usual frustration of trying to say "the right thing" only to see her eat more.  So possibly because of that, my parents didn't say much of anything to me, as I was blessed with a good metabolism.  This probably made it more likely that I would motivate myself at some point and get things under control.

 

In your situation, I think I would encourage as much outdoor activity as possible, and good active habits (which can include chores).  Participation in sports / martial arts can be beneficial not only because of the exercise, but because of hanging around peers who care about fitness.  I'd also encourage her to eat a minimum amount of certain nutrients each day if possible.  If she's had some fruit, veg, water, etc., then she is less likely to gorge on junk food.

[Scarlett]

Reading along because boy do I have issues in my house. My bio son is 15 and thin...but not too thin. Doc said he is in 84 percentile but his height of 6'2 1/2 make him look thinner. He is hungry all of the time. After that thread about making sure out teens eat ( when they won't do it themselves) I have been really working on feeding him regular healthy snacks etc. my only issue with him is making sure he doesn't reach for the junk every time.

 

Now ss14 is here for the summer. He is considered obese on the cdc bmi chart. He weighs 224 at 5'9. Last summer he lost 12 pounds in the first two weeks he was here by riding his bike 5 or sometimes 10 miles a day. He felt good about himself and his efforts. We will encourage a lot of exercise this sumer too...we have a pool and swimming is good for that....but I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying more about his weight. I can tell in the last 6 months or so he is working hard to change his eating habits. He doesn't get seconds, he doesn't eat near as much junk...I told him I noticed that and he told me he was doing it intentionally.

 

That other thread about adults makes me feel terrible, but I really wish he would lose weight now before it gets more difficult to lose.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I sure do miss being younger.  It was like I could eat anything and not gain weight.  Now I gain weight if I think about food.  Sucky...

 

 

[Liz CA]

Yeah, I definitely don't buy a lot of junk, but she's all over the stuff I do! And then I feel bad when I see her happily plowing through a bag of carrots or sunflower seeds.  Sigh!

 

She's fairly active most of the year, so that's good.  She's said she mostly wants to join the gym b/c she's much less active in the winter (which can be 6 months here.)  She's a smart cookie, so there is a part of me that sees she's not automatically doomed to Mommy's Story!

 

I stressed the importance of healthy choices vs not so healthy and maintaining good health being vital for the future. I know teens don't look far into the future but talking about some of the potential issues that come with being overweight may help. However, I would not even talk much about the weight thing but being active and fit. I cut a lot of stuff out once I understood how to read labels and know what was good or bad or acceptable. I taught my son label reading - perhaps this will make her think more about choices and choose healthier alternatives. If she is interested in nutrition, Mary Fallon's book "Nourishing Traditions" may help. There are numerous blogs as well.

 

ETA: Everyone craves something sweet now and then. You write you don't buy much junk. Could you perhaps buy no junk but good chocolate, Larabars and try homemade items? You can even learn how to make potato chips at home - but this may be taking it too far for you. I am an experimenter at heart. :)

[LostSurprise]

I think all we can do is help teach nutrition (which foods are nutritionally dense and which are high calorie for little nutrition, which foods 'stick' with you longer so you don't feel hungry, how to balance foods together, how to recognize hunger and fullness, how dehydration can read as hunger, how to keep drinking water throughout the day), keep food at home healthy with occasional treats, and encourage them to be busy and active. 

 

I was an overweight child/teen. My oldest son is overweight (and his brothers are either average or underweight). 

 

If I could give my son one thing I would help him understand that he can influence his weight. He can take control of it. I did when I left home and went to college. 

 

Sometimes it's hard to watch someone else struggle, especially if we see our own struggle in it. I often remind myself that if I push him or control him now when he leaves home it will be harder for him. Better that I give him unconditional love now, teach him the tools he can use when he chooses, listen, and make our home as healthy for all of us as possible. People will make their own decisions. Give them the tools they need.

 

I also want to mention that sometimes food can be a natural comfort to people. Being a teen is stressful, both physically and emotionally. I don't want to withhold food just because it's hard for me to remember how really hungry teens are. I want to teach them to deal with their anxiety and emotions actively. I want to be a support...and I can't do that if I control or criticize. 

[Tsuga]

Tough call.

 

My neighbor had an eating disorder as a youth and I know this affects how she presents foods to her and my kids. They are a force for good in our lives but the junk food bothers me.

 

I try to focus on gut health and how it allows our body to get the nutrients it needs to do what we want and not to send bad information to our brains about what we need.

 

We would leave size out of it entirely, but my daughter hears it on the playground!! And repeats it!!! I have NEVER said "I feel fat", ever. Because I don't, because we are skinny. But she heard it somewhere, not from my house. So I had to address that. We talked about how we don't make comments on personal appearance except genuine compliments. We talked about how bodies are for living not displaying, though of course when you find that special someone, physical attraction plays a role.

 

We try not to keep junk in the house but my stepkids are used to it. It is a problem. I don't want to restrict them but it is hard as a stepparent to be saying no all the time.

[kroe1]

We have always had the one treat a day rule in our house. It has worked so far.